I Lost The Love Of My Life Because I’m Polyamorous

April 6, 2021

As told to Femi.

Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved. I met Chris* in a Zikoko Clubhouse room while he was describing his experience with relationships as a polyamorous man. He had quite the story to tell.

I met Bisola entirely by chance. There was this girl I used to flirt with now and then, and she accidentally sent me a photo of Bisola. When I asked about it, she said it was a mistake, and she’d meant to send the picture of the dress she was wearing to another friend. I told her that I was interested in the girl in the picture and asked for her Instagram handle. When I got it, I sent Bisola a DM and we started talking.

Bisola and I got along swimmingly. She studied philosophy, and I like to consider myself a thinker, so we used to have endless conversations about life’s deepest questions. We became quite interdependent. One day, I didn’t reach out because my battery was dead the entire day. When I came back online, she was furious and had already deleted my number. Being with her was so natural. We never had to force anything and expectedly, we fell in love. It felt like we were in a relationship from the start, but officially, we started dating three months after I sent that DM.

I truly believe that Bisola was the love of my life. Cupid’s arrow had hit me, and it hit me hard. The relationship was great. We kept no secrets from each other. If there was anything on our minds, we told each other immediately. 

Prior to our relationship, I found out that I tended to connect romantically with multiple people at the same time and be genuine about it. It wasn’t a “bad guy” act where I considered women as game; I just knew I could love multiple women sincerely. And if I’m in love with someone, I tell them as soon as I realise it. They don’t have to do anything about it or love me back, I just have to let them know.

Shortly before the lockdown, a year after I started dating Bisola, I met Annie*. We had great conversations and we connected. I realised I loved her. It wasn’t because I wanted to have sex with her. All I felt was a need to have her around me. 

ways to handle conflict in a relationship amicably between couplesGuardian  Life — The Guardian Nigeria News – Nigeria and World News

You know how people say if you love two people, it’s the second one you love the most? That’s nonsense. I still loved Bisola, deeply. But I also found myself developing a connection with Annie, and I didn’t feel like stopping it. 

That was the beginning of the problem. I knew that at some point I would have to tell Bisola about Annie and our budding friendship because we kept no secrets,  and it was impossible to derail from that track. But how do you tell the love of your life that you’re in love with someone else?

In April, during the lockdown, Bisola spent the entire month with me, and it was terrible. Normally, we were a sexually intense couple. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Sometimes, she’d be in a virtual meeting and we’d fuck through even the most important parts of her presentation. Or she’d be giving me head while I’m on a work call. But in that month,  I couldn’t have sex with Bisola because of the dark secret I was keeping from her. The guilt from not telling her another woman was sharing her space in my heart without her permission was weighing me down I knew I had to tell her.

One day, I asked what she thought about polyamory. She explained that it was okay for people to express themselves like that if they so wished, but she was happy being monogamous. With that answer, I realised that I had two choices: continue being monogamous with her and continue with a lifetime of fighting my true self or accepting that I was polyamorous and letting the love of my life go. Cheating was not an option because I absolutely despise dishonesty.

Bisola was like an addiction to me. I couldn’t see myself living without her. At the same time, I was exhausted from fighting my desire for other people. So I told her about Annie. I could tell that she was hurt, but she tried to empathise with my plight. She understood how I could be polyamorous, but she just wasn’t fine with being in a polyamorous relationship. I hated the fact that I was making her hurt, but I also knew that I had to be honest with her.

Five Reasons You Shouldn't Try Polyamory | by Anne Shark | P.S. I Love You

We held on in the relationship, but it was never the same again. It seemed like we were both waiting on the other person to make a compromise: she thought I would let go of the whole polyamory idea and I thought maybe she’d come around and see it my way. While we waited, she started to doubt my fidelity —  I would never do anything I couldn’t tell her and I thought she knew that. The existence of Annie became a source of anxiety for her and it took a toll on the relationship. If I wasn’t available to talk, she’d assume it was because I was with Annie. Our fights were getting bigger and toxic. One day, after a fight over the phone, I asked that we take a break. 

With the break, all I wanted was for us to draw a line between our relationship and our friendship, but she thought I meant we should break up. We were apart for one month. Bisola’s sister told me she was not taking the break well so I called it off.

Before then, I’d always tell Bisola about Annie so she didn’t have to deal with anxiety or imagine things, but the honesty wasn’t helping, so I stopped telling her.

Things went fine for a while until she decided to read my chats and found out I was still talking to Annie. I knew that was the end of our relationship. I begged and pleaded on my knees, but I also knew it was unavoidable. 

I hated myself for causing her pain, but I also couldn’t fight who I am. I was crushed that my best friend was leaving me. We cried and held each other before she got up to leave. That was the last time I saw her. She chose her peace of mind and I chose mine. She blocked me everywhere.

My relationship with Annie deteriorated, and we hardly talk.

People often wonder how I could be polyamorous, They ask me if I’m fine with my partner sleeping with other people. All I care about is honesty. If my partner is honest with me, I don’t care who they are sleeping with. I’ve fallen in love a couple of times after Bisola, but I don’t think I ever want to be in a relationship again. I don’t know if my polyamory is just a phase, but there’s too much uncertainty for me to commit myself to anybody. I don’t want to hurt anyone ever again. I’m very upfront about telling women I meet that I’m not cut out for relationships. It’s their decision whether or not to get involved with me.

I miss Bisola a lot. We are cordial now, but we know that being close friends might not be a great idea. I know that if I drop the idea of polyamory, we might get back together, but that’s not possible. I’ve decided not to enter into any more monogamous relationships. This means no relationships, marriage or kids for me unless I can find partners who are fine with me being polyamorous. I don’t think one single person can be everything for you. In fact, it is unfair to expect them to be. 

Are you a man who would like to be interviewed for a Zikoko article? Fill this form and we’ll be in your inbox quicker than you can say “Man Dem.”

QUIZ: What Kind Of Relationship Works For You?

Zikoko Donation Banner

Help Zikoko keep making the content you love

More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.

Thank you for your support.

We are also cool with Crypto.

Donation Close
Zikoko Logo

Complete Your Commitment

Donation confirm

Your Contribution is confirmed! Amount

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

June 9, 2021

The Twitter ban has affected a lot of people and businesses in different ways. We tend to overlook the impact Twitter has had in various aspects of our lives. One of such aspects is relationships. I spoke to 6 Nigerian men who found love on Twitter. They had such interesting stories. Tosin We had been […]

September 11, 2020

It’s almost impossible to make Nigerian fathers happy. Swim through seven shark-infested oceans and a Nigerian father can ask you if your friend who swam through eigh oceans has two heads. If you think telling your father you love him will make him happy, you’re in for a rude shock. Lucky for you, there are […]


Now on Zikoko

November 30, 2021

As part of the anniversary celebrations in Nigeria, a month-long celebratory campaign commenced this November with activities to excite and delight consumers across the country, most recent of which is the Share A Trip With Coke campaign. This year, the Coca-Cola System in Nigeria, comprising Coca-Cola and its bottling partner, Nigerian Bottling Company, celebrates its […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 30, 2019

With No Nut November FINALLY coming to an end, we’ve decided to mark the torturous month with some more horny content. After quizzes that guessed how many people you’ve slept with, how good you are in bed and who you’ll sleep with next, this one will guess when next you’ll get lucky. Take it to […]

November 28, 2019

There are so many talented and stunning Nollywood actors that make it hard not to fall in love with them. So, while we all know the likelihood of us ending up with any of them is super low, it’s still fun to imagine a world where we actually stood a chance, and that’s why this […]

December 3, 2019

Are you a professional Yoruba demon? Are you walking around in search of whose life you can wreck at any given time? Well, this quiz knows exactly how many hearts you’ve shattered to date, and before you lie that your result is inaccurate, just remember that Zikoko is never wrong. Now, take it and be […]

November 4, 2019

After successfully predicting when y’all are getting married (please, email any complaints to noneofourbusiness@nayousabi.com), we are back to tell you how much is currently in your account. How, you might ask? By using your taste in Nollywood, of course. Shhh. No questions. Just take it already:

February 26, 2020

Are you all set for marriage, or are you still figuring it out? Well, if you’re curious to know the answer, then this is the quiz for you. All you have to do is create your own ideal Nollywood wedding film, and we’ll tell you if you’re ready to say “I do”. Go ahead:

More from Man Dem


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.