6 Qualities To Look For When You Have To Cheat

September 22, 2020

Let me start off by saying this is not an endorsement of cheating. Some of you might make reference to my name and say “i AM noT sUrpRisEd a fEMi is saYiNg tHis”. Keep quiet. We heard you the first 500 times. Here, I’m not asking men to cheat. 

In fact, I hate cheating. All I’m doing here is gathering tips to help you, in case you have to cheat. You know, like when someone puts a gun to your head and says “Cheat NOW or lose your life.” Yeah, that kind of thing. Or for national security. Like when James Bond goes on his mission to save the world but he has to sleep with somebody to get the nuclear passcodes. That kind of cheating.

When you’re cheating (because you totally and absolutely have to), it’s advisable to look out for certain qualities so it doesn’t quickly become a bad experience.

1. Discretion.

Guys, you want your side to be discreet. The quietest people that don’t like drama make the best sides.

2. In a relationship.

If your side is in a relationship, you’re in luck. This means they will avoid drama as much as you because they don’t want to cast. Win-win for everybody.

3. Speed.

You want somebody fast. You want someone that’s nimble and quick to react. Once you hear your partner coming in the distance, you want somebody that is already outside the window, running like the wind, their heels slapping the back of their heads.

4. Stealth.

Look, let’s face it. You can’t tell your partner that you’re cheating for the sake of national security. If they come and meet you at home, you can’t say “Oh baby, I did it to save millions of people.” The side piece has to run till their heels are slapping the back of their heads. Your side must also be good at sneaking. If they can climb out of a window, that’s even better.

Owl Creeping GIF

5. Can fight.

If stealth fails, I’m afraid you’ll need somebody that can defend themselves, at the very least. Because if they break somebody’s head, all of you will sleep in police cell and they will not hear that it’s for national security.

Angry Fight GIF by Shalita Grant

6. Can beg

Guy, you want somebody that is very persuasive, in case you get caught, so that they can join you when you’re begging for forgiveness. She might even throw in a little. “Forgive him now. You guys make a cute couple.”

Read: 5 Nigerian Men Talk About Vasectomies

Man Like – A series about men, for men, by men. Every Sunday by 12PM.

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

February 3, 2021

Valentine is coming again and, as usual, Nigerian women a particular set of people are getting ready to furnish their men with the usual gifts we see every year. I’ve decided to save you the trouble and make a list of things Nigerian men don’t want to receive this year. If you really want to […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

October 10, 2019

2019 is certainly Burna Boy’s year, but, if we are being honest, so was 2018. Since his transcendent mixtape, Outside, the afro-fusion star has refused to get his foot of our necks — dropping a string of fantastic singles and then capping it all off with his career-best album, African Giant.  So, in a bid […]

November 1, 2019

Twitter is buzzing right now, bringing a new conversation to the concept of cool vs not-so-cool, especially in relationships. If you’ve been thinking about how much of a red flag you are, why don’t you let this quiz help you decide once and for all?

April 14, 2020

Every friend group consists of very different and specific characters — from the parent to the fun one — and it can be a little tough figuring out where you fall. So, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know exactly what kind of friend you are. Take to find out:

how much of an ajebutter
February 12, 2020

Are you an ajebutter or not? Well, if you’ve gone through life blissfully unaware of its harshness, then you probably are. Now, we want to know just how high you rank on that ajebutter scale, using your food preferences as a (very accurate) measure. Take to find out:

More from Man Dem

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X