Masturbation is actually good for you. For men, it helps protect you against prostate cancer. For everybody else, it’s a great way to improve your mood and help you sleep better. Unfortunately, the African society doesn’t seem to take too kindly to this hobby.

For something people do so much, we find the wildest euphemisms for masturbation to allow us discuss it openly. I’m not sure why, but people would rather not call it what it is. I made a list of all the hilarious ways people refer to their favourite past time.

We’ll start with the common ones

1. Fapping

We don’t know where this came from, but I’m guessing its from some secondary school somewhere.

2. Wanking

I’m not even going to try to decipher what this means

3. Beating your meat

Thoughts and prayers to your meat as we go into the weekend

4. Rolling dice

Obviously because of the hand motion men make when they nead to relax from Nigerian women’s stress.

5. Turning on the sprinklers

Sprinkling what????

6. Polishing the bannister


7. Downstairs DJ

This one is for the women who partake in this famed extra curricular activity.

8. Choking the chicken

What did the chicken ever do to deserve this?

Ines Vuckovic

9. Tapping into your potential

Now when next your pastor says this, it won’t be the same.

10. Engaging in safe sex

What sex is safer than the one you’re having with only yourself?

11. Playing Five-on-one

This does not seem like a fair game at all.

12. Flicking your bean

Yeah women know what I mean.

Ines Vuckovic

13. Celebrating Palm Sunday

This one is self-explanatory. God forgive us.

14. Petting the cat

Another gentle euphemism for the women dem.

15. Beating the bishop

I’ll let this image explain:

Ines Vuckovic

16. Making the bald man cry

I’m not making this up.

Ines Vuckovic

More on fapping: 5 Nigerian Men Talk About Discovering Masturbation


Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.