When people hear that you’re travelling from Abuja, one of the first things that come to their minds is kilishi. Everyone knows Abuja has very good kilishi, but they don’t know how expensive it is so they keep asking you to bring some when you’re coming.
If you’re in this position, or you just want kilishi for yourself, here’s the hack to getting free kilishi that you didn’t ask for.
1. Dress nice
When you want to go and buy kilishi, dress like you are an IJGB trying to taste some Nigerian beef jerky for the first time. The fancier you look, the more “scammable” you seem. The fact is, no matter how you dress, you’ll still get free kilishi. The dressing just increases your chances of getting a shitload.
2. Go to Area 1 Complex
It’s better if you pull up in a fancy looking car or an Uber. The kilishi sellers will look at you approaching from your car and star licking their lips. Market don land.
3. Approach the kilishi area looking confused
Act like you’re still trying to figure out what is going on and you can’t even see that there’s a whole shopping complex filled with kilishi right in front of you. Walk slowly, press your phone, just look confused. They will come and meet you.
4. When they offer you “tasting”, say you don’t want
At this point, about ten people will approach you with huge chunks of kilishi, asking you to taste theirs and buy from them. You’re still looking confused, so you have to say you don’t want to taste. This will make them put even more pressure on you to taste. Make sure you follow these instructions carefully.
5. Collect one and taste it, say you don’t like it
This is bait for the rest of them to try to impress you with their superior kilishi. Taste it and say, “I no like am” with an accent. Even more sellers will rush towards you trying to convince you that you’ll like theirs.
6. Collect everything that comes your way
Begin to collect everyone’s small piece and take one bite each. Eat slowly and act like you’re contemplating on the taste. This will make the others try to convince you to taste theirs as well. They will bring more. At this point, you already have enough to take to your relatives in Lagos.
7. Complain when someone offers you a small piece
If someone offers you a small piece, say you don’t want it because that means the kilishi he sells to you will also be small. This will make the other people offering you small pieces change their ways and bring bigger pieces. Collect everything.
8. Ask for water
Tell them their suya is too hot. One of them will offer to buy you cold water. Collect it. It is your right.
9. Finally choose one
Whoever buys you water is the real OG. Follow him to his stand and buy some. N500 or N5000, whatever you want to do. Be alert though, some more people will come and offer you samples. Collect everything.
The catch here is that they’re giving you very little meat for outrageous amounts of money, so they’re willing to part with some measly samples just to convince you to buy from them.
10. Tell the seller to pack all the free kilishi you got
You definitely cannot finish all the samples you get on one spot, so tell your kilishi guy to pack it all for you in a separate pack. It could even be more than what you bought with your money.
11. Go home and enjoy
Make garri, put on your Netflix, and enjoy your life.
Go again next week.