5 Reasons Why Santa Claus Should Scare The Hell Out Of You

December 25, 2018

Santa Claus is coming.

(Or has already come, depending on when you see this.)


It’s Christmas time and ’tis the season to be jolly because you’re about to get a visit from an immortal biblically-bearded, middle-aged man in a red head-to-toe mink tracksuit combo bearing gifts and good cheer.


At some point, society seemingly made a joint decision to just ignore all the shady things about this man who we know nothing about but trust unconditionally to not murder us in our sleep when he breaks into our houses every December 24th. All because of the prospect of presents.


Hopefully, what I’m about to tell you opens your eyes.

1. Santa Claus runs a toy sweat shop up in the north pole using elves as slaves.

Over the centuries, there has been propaganda (funded by Santa himself) meant to make his home, the north pole, seem like a wonderful place full of happy and healthy elves who have willingly dedicated their lives to making toys.


But here’s the tea.


This man has held those poor elves captive for millennia, forcing them to mass produce toys year in year out. It’s cruel, and I’m frankly surprised human rights organizations haven’t looked into this yet. Have they turned a blind eye to the elves’ suffering because elves technically aren’t humans? Or has Mr Claus paid them off?

Something to think about.

2. He has a track record of animal cruelty.

The coolness of this picture aside, look at that reindeer.





He has these animals haul his sleigh (containing his fat ass and a shit ton of presents) around the world in ONE NIGHT. Let’s not even talk about the time the other reindeer made fun of and ostracized Rudolph (because of his glowing red nose) and Santa knew about it but did nothing, leaving Rudolph to endure a hostile work environment.


Where is PETA when you need them? Have their palms also been greased?


3. He’s fond of breaking and entering

Santa could mail the presents to all the houses. He could drop them at everyone’s doorsteps. There are a lot of other ways to distribute presents, but this nigga chooses to invade people’s houses by sliding down the chimney. Which is bizarre because given his size, moving through a chimney would be crazy difficult.


Also, I’m assuming that when he encounters a house that doesn’t have a chimney, he just picks the lock or breaks a window like a cat burglar. He seemingly doesn’t know (or chooses to disregard the fact) that breaking and entering is a crime, and I don’t understand why no one but me is terrified by this.


Well, me and this guy:

4. He likes to watch children sleep for some reason.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake.” 


Is he a stalker with a fetish? Is he a paedophile? I’m not exactly sure. But what I am sure of, is that those lines from the carol are a coded warning from the writers of the song. This is what they really meant to say:

5. He constantly cheats on his wife, Mrs Claus.

There’s a Christmas carol sung from the POV of a child that goes,


I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus

Underneath the mistletoe last night.

She didn’t see me creep

Down the stairs to have a peep;

She thought that I was tucked

Up in my bedroom fast asleep.

Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus

Underneath his beard so snowy white;

Oh, what a laugh it would have been

If Daddy had only seen

Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.


That was Santa kissing that boy’s mother goodbye after what I assume was a two and a half minute quickie, and the poor little boy thought it was just an innocent peck. Also, this brings up many questions:


– Is this is a pattern for Santa? Does he go from house to house wrecking families like this?


– Does Mrs Claus know that her husband is scum who uses this annual trip as an excuse to take advantage of lonely housewives?


– How many STDs has he brought back to her over the centuries??


– Do you realize how unhappy she must be? Trapped in a loveless marriage for centuries with an adulterous husband? This tweet should give you some idea:

You know what the worst part of all this is?

He’s an immortal wizard with access to insanely powerful magic. He’s like Zeus if Zeus had paedophilic tendencies in addition to being an adulterous manwhore. For all we know, they’re probably friends who trade stories of their sexual conquests over cups of ambrosia whenever they hang out.


My point is, humanity is screwed.

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