If You Hate Birthdays, This Post Is For You

July 17, 2018

“Birthdays come once in a year. It’s my only special day in the year. I have to remember it for life, it has to be as perfect as my wedding day.”

“I have to feel like a king or queen. Or even both.”

If you can’t relate to the sentences above, this is for you.

Because everyone needs love.

It’s 2 days to your birthday and you’re thinking of the perfect way to leave this planet for that day.

“Dear John, the time has come again, and it is time for me to disappear.”

You finally have it all set in your mind. It’s a simple plan.

You just won’t wake up. That’s it.

Your birthday finally arrives and the first person to wake you up is your mother. Ha mummy! You didn’t have to.

*2 hours later* “amen, amen, thank you mummy, amen, amen, okay thank you, amen, goodbye mummy, amen, I appreciate it, ame…”

After that motivating prayer session, your uncles, aunties, cousins, friends, siblings, enemies start calling your phone.

What’s the wise thing to do? Just put your phone off and pretend you didn’t see any calls.

You have a whole panic attack on your way to work, hoping to God that no one remembers it’s your birthday. But as soon as you step into the office..

“Where’s the cake!! How are we celebrating o! Happy birthday to..” oh Lord, why me? why me?

You finally get a chance to stop fake smiling. Grab your phone, and check your instagram and of course that one friend has gone to write a long epistle about your life.

“I’ve known you since I was in my mother’s womb”

There’s nothing you can do about it so you have to reply and publicly confirm that it’s actually your birthday

“Thank you friend, thank you for this. No seriously, thank you so much. Thank you. I can’t thank you enough, in fact I’m crying”

And the moment you reply, and everybody knows it’s your birthday, your notifications look like this

“Thanks,” “Thank you,” “Haha, thank you.” “Amen, thanks thanks.”

You prayed to God that no one would even consider surprising you with anything. Because you completely have no excitement in your blood.

Imagine the trauma of having to fake excitement. God forbid.

Thankfully there’s almost no surprises but your friends still expect that you’d take them out. You just don’t understand the logic.

I’m taking people out and spending my own money to celebrate myself for getting older.

And everyone is waiting for cake. Why can’t they just buy themselves a big cake and eat?

Who said cakes were made for celebrations alone? Akara is a cake.

If you mistakenly say you don’t feel like doing anything for your birthday, everyone becomes worried about you. Like you have a disease.

“Are you okay? Is everything okay? But your birthday will be boring now…” my birthday, not yours.

All you really want is to be given some time to think about how you’re going to be a year older.

And you don’t yet have 30 billion in your account.

In fact, your ideal birthday would be to just stay at home and watch TV, eat and sleep. All by yourself.

According to your dictionary, that is exactly how to have an unforgettable birthday.

And you know that by the time the day is over, this madness will have ended.

Back to regular programming. Thank you.

Also, is this the most iconic birthday song ever made?

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