A How-To Guide To Being A Nigerian Instagram Model

December 3, 2015

1. Motivational Quotes

You have to be ready to drop the the most unrelated things — from bible verses to famous quotes to your own little tiny nuggets of “wisdom” on that cleavage picture.

2. A Lot of Outfits

No, seriously you’ll need A LOT of designer clothes, which you’ll have to hash-tag mercilessly. The only item of clothing you’ll be allowed to repeat are shoes (and even that one is small small). Once you’ve Instagrammed it, it can never show up again.

3. A Ton of Followers

Your follower count has to make sense. You can’t just be following everybody that follows you, I don’t care if it’s your sister. See, if it’s to buy followers, no one will judge you, but be ready to buy the corresponding number of likes too (10k followers and 50 likes doesn’t make sense).

4. An Average of 1000 Likes

Now to the appropriate number of likes. Every picture on your page must be sitting above 1000 likes (I don’t care if it is a selfie or a picture of your breakfast). If you post a picture that doesn’t meet that goal, you must pretend like it never happened and delete it immediately.

5. “For bookings”

Once you have reached your likes and follower goals, then you can put up the truest mark of an Instagram model on your bio: “For bookings…” It will be your phone number or email address that comes after it, obviously; remember you are an IG model, you do not have an agent.

6. Great Lighting

You can’t just wake up and decide to take a selfie anyhow. Everything has to come together before that happens, if you’re indoors you have to avoid those cheap nonsense bulbs; and if you’re outdoors, you have to be sure the sun’s angle is agreeing with your complexion. If not, just dead that selfie, abeg.

7. A Bunch of Pushup Bras

For every 5 pictures you post, 3 of them should have your cleavage clearly on display (but don’t make it too obvious, you’re not a runs girl, biko). See, don’t ask me why, just go and buy as many push-up bras as you can currently afford.

8. Hotel Room Videos

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Whenever you find yourself in a hotel room for whatever reason (Hey! We don’t judge) you have to show us every single inch of your room and it’s view too (this is the most important). It’s like an unwritten Instagram model rule; well, I just wrote it, so there you have it. P.S: You get extra points if it’s in Dubai.

9. Latest iPhone + Mirror Selfie

It’s not enough that you have the latest iPhone, you also have to constantly remind us you do. I mean, if no one knows you have it, does it really exist. So, this is where the occasional mirror selfie comes in; 2 a week should be sufficient. But never in your house, it has to be in club bathrooms or random hotel rooms. You’re welcome.

10. Rich Friends

With Instagram modelling, the life hack of surrounding yourself with skreps so you look hotter doesn’t apply. You need your friends to look just as good as you. In fact the friends that show up in your pictures should be your fellow instagram models and Lagos big boys.

11. Famous Acquaintances

You’ll need celebrity “friends”, preferably musicians. Shaking bum bum in their music videos will most likely be your most constant modelling gig. Remember to constantly take pictures and name drop them every chance you get.

12. Sell! Sell!! Sell!!!

It doesn’t matter if it’s fitness tea or waist trainers you choose, you really should be selling something. Waiting for your “modelling career” to bring in cash might not be the best idea. Think about it, how many times will they want you to go and shake bum bum in a music video? You see? Now get to selling.

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