Mr. Barber. I came here to get my hair cut (obviously), I didn’t come here to gist. So stop asking me about how my day was or if my sister is seeing anybody at the moment. I also don’t want to talk about how awesome the match was between Chelsea and Man United. Also, getting a haircut, for some people, is a very relaxing thing so PLEASE don’t try and talk to me about politics. I am already stressed. Talking about Nigeria’s problems makes things worse.
2. When they slice your head open with their insanely sharp clipper.
Mr. Barber. I’m happy that your clipper has been sharpened and is now set to cut my hair and shave my beard properly. I have to ask one question sha. ARE WE FIGHTING?! AH AHN?! Why do you always slice my head like you’re trying to open a can of Geisha? Even when you shave my beard, there’s always blood everywhere. Are you trying to give me AIDS? If I’ve offended you in the past, I’m sorry. Let us bury the hatchet please!
3. When they pour the spirit on your head without warning and you’re like “sssssssssss!”
Mr. Barber. I get that I am a man and I’m supposed to be tough. But when you just pour the spirit on my head without warning, it hurts. It hurts so bad that I want to scream like a 10 year old girl but I can’t because people will look at me somehow. Edakun, warn me so that I’ll prepare myself mentally to bear the pain.
4. When they take breaks (while cutting your hair) to pick a song to play.
Mr. Barber. This one is just annoying. I know that I said that getting my haircut is a relaxing thing for me but it doesn’t mean I want to spend all day here. Don’t be leaving my head to go and search for the perfect club banger on your phone to give me headache with. It’s very annoying because after wasting all that time looking for songs, you still end up playing complete trash. So either you let a movie on African magic play in peace and or you turn everything off because I did not come here to waste time while listening to Terry G’s greatest hits. Also, don’t sing along to the music when you’re so close to my face. I don’t want to feel your hot breath on my cheek and I’m not trying to be mean but your voice is terrible.
5. When they use too much powder and forget to dust it off when they’re done.
Mr. Barber. I get that the white powder you apply is supposed to make me look fresh or whatever but why do you always have to over do it? You apply so much powder that it gets to places I can’t see even with a mirror (the back of my head and neck) and then you let me leave your shop in broad daylight looking like I have leprosy or like I just took a dive into a pool of cocaine. You’ve destroyed my reputation because many people now think I do drugs. It’s not fair. Like I said before, if I offended you in the past, tell me so I can apologize. Ehn, I’m sorry.
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