14 People You Will Meet In A Nigerian Church

March 25, 2016
Going to any type of church in Nigeria, you will definitely meet these sets of people. They sometimes make going to church fun and sometimes a little frustrating.

1. The Annoying Usher

They want you to walk all the way to the front to sit down, won’t leave you alone all service, always check to see if you are using your bible app on your iPad and tap you when you are taking a nap. Please leave me alone now.

2. The Oversabi Choir Member

They can sing perfectly off key, always try to drown out the other choristers voices, wear the most ridiculous outfits and are there for show off. Madam, church not project fame.

3. The Prayer Warrior

This is the person that prays aggressively consistently. Inside the lions den kind of prayer, If you stand close you may lose a tooth.

4. The Weirdos

These ones never close their eyes when prayer is on. To make matters worse they can maintain eye contact like it will take them to heaven. Oga, Jesus is not on my face now.

5. The Town Crier

They have the loudest voices. Whether it is the choir singing or during prayers you can hear them from miles away. Bros/Sis take it easy.

6. The Jonahs

These ones are always sleeping. No matter the event, opening prayer, sermon, tithe. You will find them nodding their heads and almost falling off their chairs. Kuku stay at home and sleep.

7. The Commentator

“Yes Pastor”, “preach on”, “Speak the word sir”. Sir/Mam, the Pastor knows his job now. Church, not football field.

8. Drama Queens

We don’t know if its legit. Small prayer, small breeze the pastor blows inside microphone  they are rolling from the altar to the back door and back.

9. Holiest Holly

These set of people make you feel like the devil. They are perfect or act like they are perfect. Making you wonder if it’s the same heaven you are trying to get it.

10. The National Stadium Gele Women

These people came to church to ensure you don’t see a thing. With geles looking like Teslim Balogun stadium, and they know where to seat to block the view of the whole of the congregation behind them. Blocking someone’s blessings. Stress.

11. Fashion Police

They are in church to critique what everyone is wearing. “See sister Linda carrying a fake Hermes bag oh”, “why is brother kcee dressed like a traffic light?”. And they themselves… Please God accepts us as we are.

12. The Dancehall Person

These set of people came to church to bust the new dance steps they learnt all week. Once it’s time for thanksgiving just let them be, they will dance their hearts out then take a nap during the sermon.

13. The Wale Adenuga’s

Testimony time and ten minutes into their testimony they say “in a nutshell” and carry on for ten more minutes. Testimony time not “Oh Father Oh Daughter” seasons 1-5.

14. The False Prophets

“Sister Toke, I saw a vision and God said I should marry you”, “brother Paul, I think God has put you in my path”.
Avatar

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

August 3, 2021

You’re probably on the wrong side of Twitter NG if you’ve not seen any tweets from user, @deoors. Recently, I saw a couple of really nice tweets from him, so I decided to do a deep dive on his account and find some more bangers. You’ll smile (or chuckle a bit) throughout this post. 1. […]

August 3, 2021

If you are single and in search of reasons why you should get into a relationship, then you are in the right place. Here are eight reasons to convince you and not to confuse you as to why you need to get into a relationship 1) You have someone to be helping you zip your […]

August 3, 2021

The show has started and housemates are already giving their fans something to talk about. Here are five things you need to enjoy Big Brother Naija Season 6 wherever you are in Nigeria, other African countries, or the UK. 1. Cool Friends You may need to change your friends if they yab you for loving […]

man flexing arm bicep
August 3, 2021

In today’s society, everyone has an opinion about what it means to really be a “man”. Whatever those opinions are they end up doing more harm than good, seeing as 75% of suicide victims are men. Here are some of the ridiculous ways society thinks you should act like a man. 1. Never cry. As […]

August 3, 2021

There are very few things that make adults happy. The word ‘adult’ here is used loosely because some of you are 18 and you only barely qualify as adults. Truth is, the older you get, the more simple things make you happy.  1. Finding the perfect grocery store Not everyone can say that they have […]

Recommended Quizzes

What are you like in a relationship?
February 7, 2020

Your taste in music can say a lot about you, and this time, it’s going to reveal what you are like in a relationship. So, pick a few of your favourite Nigerian love songs, and we’ll let you know if you’re typically a distant, passionate or unbothered partner. Here you go:

April 14, 2020

Every friend group consists of very different and specific characters — from the parent to the fun one — and it can be a little tough figuring out where you fall. So, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know exactly what kind of friend you are. Take to find out:

April 9, 2020

At some point in life, we all learnt that someone can be very intelligent and still lack common sense. That’s the difference between being book smart and being street smart. If you’re not sure where on the spectrum you fall, well, that’s what this quiz is here to tell you. Take it:

December 5, 2019

We already tried to guess how much you have in your account and your current net worth, and we think we did a pretty great job (keep any complaints to yourself). Now, we’re going to try and guess your monthly salary based on your relationship with money. Oya, take the quiz: 11 Timed Quizzes For […]

More from Oldies

May 27, 2021

Children’s day, a day set apart for kids. Like they don’t win at life already? You’re not paying bills or rent and you have a day to celebrate yourself? Get me their manager, please. On days like this, we can’t help but remember how good we used to have it so we wrote this article […]

February 12, 2020

Forget Tunji and Daniella, if you’re wondering who your best friend is, it’s most definitely the phone you’re either reading this from or the phone that’s somewhere within your vision; we know this because you’re definitely a phone addict that gets a little impatient when you’re too far away from your phone. Okay, let’s not […]

February 8, 2020

Yes, Valentine’s Day is almost here. Love notes, chocolates, hampers, and everything that comes with it. But while everyone is being hit by cupid’s arrow, there are some people who don’t even feel the hype. If you’re one of them, then grab a seat at this table. 1. You, when you hear that Valentine is […]

February 8, 2020

In case you have not realised it, Nigerians have a PhD in lying. Multiple PhDs, even. And there are some people who are professors in the art of lying, but we will keep that conversation for another day. Anyway, here is a list of common lies Nigerians tell. Don’t lie, we know you must told […]

February 8, 2020

Anyone who grew up in a Nigerian household understands that the Saturday routine does not change. It is the same yesterday, today and forever. If you are a true Nigerian, then you’ll understand these pictures and their connection to Saturday mornings. 1. Morning devotion by 6:00 AM. In which your parents can slap you for […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X