Once in a while, you have to reach in the back of your closet, pull out the sexiest outfit you own, and give your man sex so wild and filthy that pigs would clutch their pearls in shock if they heard about the coital activities you two engaged.
If you need a few pointers on how to achieve this, your boy is here with some tips. Now, relax, grab a drink and let’s dish.
1. Set the mood
The mood you’re going for is “ashewo house from late 90s Mount Zion movie,” so you’re going to want to invest in some red bulbs for ambient lighting. Lay fresh sheets on the bed and scatter rose petals everywhere. Have a large bottle of champagne on ice ready on the nightstand. To complete the scene, have the official theme song for sexy date nights playing at a low soothing volume.
2 Live Crew’s “Me So Horny.”
2. Slip into something sexy.
Shower, moisturize and put on that sexy outfit I talked about. Then wait sexily for your man, like the girls in that gratuitous fellatio scene in God Of War 1.
3. Meet him at the door and guide him to the bedroom.
Open the door and welcome him home in the deepest, sexiest voice you can muster. When he hears your Beyonce-speaking-voice impression, he’ll know what’s up. Grab him by his tie (or by his neck if he’s not wearing a tie) and lead him to the bedroom while working your shoulders seductively.
4. Handcuff him to the bed
Guys everywhere know that getting handcuffed always leads to deliciously wild sex (except in prison), so he won’t resist. Take this time to whisper something sexy in his ear. Something like, “You better not cum in 2 minutes like you usually do.“
5. Blindfold him.
Blind sex is the best because it requires the participants to use just their sense of touch, smell, taste, and hearing, leading to increased arousal and an amazing sexual experience.
So I’ve heard.
6. Retrieve the grimoire, black candles, and bowl of pig’s blood from under the bed.
Locate the incantation for opening portals to the Hallowed Dimension.
7. Summon the dark lord, G’kharr the Skull Fucker in all his glory.
At this point, your man is going to wonder what all the noise is about. Stroke his head gently and let him know the real fun is about to begin.
8. Rip the blindfold of your man’s face and force him to look into the bottomless pits of pain and agony that are G’kharr the Skull Fucker’s eyes.
“Bish, wtf?!” – Your man
9. Watch him let out a long piercing scream and bleed from every orifice while his brain descends into madness.
“THIS FEELS SO GOOOOOOD EWJCHJKEHDJkwqmlkmklMKMLKMKWhwjk” – Your man
10. As he’s lying there, with his brain turned to mush and his face forever stuck in an expression of shock and horror, steal his wallet.
A lot of people don’t know this but practising dark magic is physically demanding. Use his money to buy yourself a good meal. You’ve earned it.