9 Things That Can Go Terribly Wrong During Sex

February 11, 2020

🎶 Let’s talk about sex, baby
Let’s talk about you and me
Let’s talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be 🎶

Specifically, all the things that can go wrong during sex (a.k.a The Devil’s Tango) because no one talks about them and some of them are so bad, they’ll send you and/or your partner straight to the E.R.

1) Fractured Penis:

If you’re a penis-haver, you know how this can happen. Your penis doesn’t have bones (so it can’t be fractured) but it can be bent real bad until the two tubes of blood that fill it during an erection rupture, causing swelling, bruising, and sifia pains.

2) Missing Condom:

Either it came undone during coitus like Naevia’s négligée in every episode of Spartacus’ first season and proceeded to get lost inside the receiving partner OR the heat of friction made it tear apart like a tyre being driven recklessly across gravel.

3) Accidentally choking someone to death:

If you trust a Nigerian to choke you during sex and they mistakenly crush your windpipe, killing you like that albino assassin in the Da Vinci Code, you deserve no one’s pity. Why? Because the average Nigerian is constantly frustrated. You should’ve known better.

4) An object that getting stuck up a place it shouldn’t be:

Like, butt plug, dildo, cucumber, 50CL soda bottle, pestle, medium-sized forest animal, etc.

5) Someone taking a shit in the heat of the moment:

Gworrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl!

6) Saying someone else’s name:

“Explain yourself, woman!”

7) Dirty Talk:

8) Pulling a muscle:

Who knew that skipping leg day would come back to haunt you mid-romp?

9) Too much teeth:

But it’s too late because now there’s a severed penis on the floor.

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