Last year, I tagged along with my sister and her then-fiancé (now husband) the day they of their pre-wedding photoshoot. Watching the makeup artist work magic on my sister’s face with her Newt Scamander-style box of makeup tools piqued my interest. I had questions I wanted answers to but said nothing out of fear of being laughed at. (My sister is kinda the worst.) So I’m asking those questions here.
I’m just a curious man looking to learn. I implore thee, drag me not.
1) How much lipstick do you guys accidentally consume daily?
Because a girl’s gotta eat at some point during the day, am I right? How do y’all do it? It’s even more terrifying because I once spotted a girl at a restaurant reapplying her lipstick after a meal, implying that most of the previous coat had gone down with whatever she’d eaten. So it’s like, is this a fate y’all have resigned yourselves to? Do you just ingest this stuff? Is it edible?
Can…can I eat it?
2) What do you do when it’s really hot and you desperately want to wipe the sweat off your face but can’t for fear of wiping off your foundation in the process?
Also, does the sweat just start slowly seeping through cracks in the foundation like a leaking dam wall? If you sweat long enough, will it wash everything away? I imagine that it’s a lot like feeling an itch but not being able to scratch it.
That’s some torture shit right there.
3) How are you guys not terrified of mistakenly stabbing yourselves in the eye with the mascara and eyeliner applicators?
Looking at the applicator in the image above reminded of the panic attack I had the day I watched a shit ton of blood flow down my friend’s face because she mistakenly cut herself above the eye while doing her own brows.
4) Have you no fear of accidentally glueing your eyelids together when fixing fake lashes?
Because I once had glue come in contact with my eye once and it’s the second most painful/terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced. The first most painful thing was when I caught the tip of my erect penis in my zipper.
That’s a story for another day.
5) What exactly is the point of blush?
I truly don’t get it. Why would anybody want their cheeks orange all the time?