If you have a Nigerian passport, you know the shege your eyes saw before you got it. Because of how hard it is to get a passport renewed in this country, we came up with 20 ways to get yours as quickly as you like.
Visit your babalawo beforehand
Your babalawo should be your plug for things like this. Call him and ask for a powder to make the officers do everything you say. When you get to the immigration office, just scream, “I WANT MY PASSPORT RIGHT NOW”. If they don’t give you your passport immediately, come and fight us at Zikoko.
Have a politician parent
Imagine your mum or dad is a politician and you need a passport, you’ll get it faster than Asake releases songs. It’s not too late to get them to run for council chairman ahead of February 2023.
Be a politician yourself
Power stops nonsense. Buhari will never wait to get his passport. So, our advice to you is buy a ticket and run for president. Don’t worry, you already have our vote at Zikoko.
Sleep in front of the immigration office
You’re not ready to get your passport if you can’t sleep in front of the immigration office. Just sleep there for three nights in a row, and they’ll have no choice but to give you a passport just to get rid of you. Or they might seek soldiers on you, but it’s worth the risk, right?
Fast and pray
For seven days, fast and pray like your life depends on it because without your passport how will you japa. Then march to the immigration office and demand what belongs to you, your passport.
Go with a placard to protest
If you’re serious about getting your passport, you’ll write, “PLEASE, GIVE ME MY PASSPORT”, on a placard and take it to the passport office where you’ll start singing, “We no go gree ooo”. Just make sure you go with people. The more, the merrier.
This one is 50/50 because, you might cry from now till Buhari’s next checkup in London, and they won’t answer. But you might shed a few drops of tears, and they’ll pity you. Goodluck sha.
Pretend you’re Barack Obama’s relative
Everyone knows who Barack Obama is, so when you get to the immigration office, just tell them you’re related to him. Tip: get someone to help you photoshop a photo of you playing ludo with Barack Obama in the White House compound.
Pretend to be pregnant
People usually feel bad for pregnant women. So when you get to the passport office, just start crying. Tell them that as a pregnant woman, life is hard and you haven’t been able to go for checkups because your hospital is overseas.
Look for a big aunty or uncle with connections
That uncle or aunty that you don’t like probably has connections at the immigration office. When you see them, greet them and compliment them very well. Then beg them to help your life.
Get a scholarship in a university overseas
If you tell the officials you were awarded a master’s scholarship abroad, they’ll rejoice with you and immediately make sure you get your passport.
Tip the officials when you leave
We didn’t say bribe ooo; we said tip them. When you’re done applying for a passport, just give them like ₦5k each and say, “Please, help me manage this”.
Don’t wear ashawo skirt or shorts
All the mummies and daddies at the immigration office will answer you once they see you’re wearing a dress that’s dragging on the floor or a proper suit.
Do your best “Emilokan” impression
If you can do this and do it well, you’ll get your passport on the spot.
Marry an ambassador
All your ambassador spouse would have to do is call them at the immigration office, and gbam, you have your passport. So when you pick your future partner, do it wisely.
Tell them you have to fly out for surgery
Ok, so we’re aware this isn’t the best lie to tell, but you really don’t have a choice, so just try your luck.
Old Nigerians will rather starve than be disrespected. At the immigration office, prostate or kneel down when you want to greet someone. If you see an officer carrying something, help them carry it to wherever they’re going.
Tell them you want to run away from some area boyz
They might be worried for your safety and consider giving you your passport in like two to three days.
Cover up your tattoos and piercings
If you think you’ll get your passport with tattoos all over your body, you’re a joker. You have two options, don’t bother applying for a passport and never leave this country, or cover up your tattoos, remove those extra earrings, and get your passport.
Don’t give up
Go there five days in a row. They’ll eventually get tired of seeing your face by the sixth, and they’ll give you your passport.