Nengi*, 25, thought breaking up with her boyfriend and starting something new with a woman would bring her peace. Instead, it marked the beginning of a year-long cycle of threats, fear, and emotional whiplash, all from the man who once claimed to love her.
He couldn’t believe she left. He definitely couldn’t believe who she left him for. And he made sure she felt it every chance he got.
TW: Physical and Sexual Abuse, Threats, Stalking
This is Nengi’s Story, as told to Princess
Ben and I had known each other all our lives. Our families were close, and we’d hang out at each other’s houses all the time. But we lost touch after a while, only seeing each other at weddings or funerals. Later, during the corona year, when my mum and I were staying at my aunt’s while our house was under construction, I started seeing him again. He lived nearby and would come around. That’s when we started talking more.
At first, it was just sex. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. But eventually, he gave me an ultimatum: date me or never talk to me again. So I entered the relationship, not really because I wanted to but because it almost felt like I didn’t have a choice. In the beginning, the relationship was playful and fun. It was also sneaky, which added a forbidden layer to it, heightening things between us. See, though we were family friends, my mum didn’t approve of him. She never liked him, so I had to keep the relationship hidden.
I wanted to end things from the very start. But he kept begging, apologizing, talking about love and second chances. He gave me no breathing room. I couldn’t get rid of him, no matter how hard I tried. Also, he held onto something that happened early on in the relationship.
One weekend, my best friend dragged me to hang out with a guy she liked. His best friend, who also happened to be one of my exes, *Sam, was there too. Ben was fully aware. I let him know where I was going and who I was with. I even sent snaps when I got there. Nothing happened between Sam and I, but when I went to see Ben, he wanted a run-down of the day. With nothing on my mind, I shared everything, including when Sam leaned in and tried to kiss me. Looking back, that wasn’t information Ben needed. It was like he was deaf to the part where I clearly said I didn’t let it happen. He screamed and accused me of instigating things and lying. He asked why I would go there in the first place if I was serious about him. He caused such a scene that night and gaslighted me so much I didn’t even know when I started apologizing and crying. He held it against me for the two years we were together.
He was controlling and possessive. He would text constantly, expect immediate replies, and always wanted updates about my day and whereabouts. For most of our relationship, I was at school in Benin and he was back in Port Harcourt. He didn’t know Benin well, but still demanded location updates. If I didn’t respond fast enough, it was a fight. If I missed a call, it was an issue.
I never felt like I could be myself. I was always pretending to be broke because he never spent on me. I had to take care of myself, but if he saw me doing that, he’d question where the money came from. He knew I modeled, but that wasn’t where most of my money came from. If he knew how much I spent, he would fight me. So, I hid everything. He questioned my friendships, especially with women. For some context, I’ve always been into women, since I was 6 or 7. I’d been kissing and feeling up my female friends years before we were anything. He knew. Ben and I were friends before dating, so I guess I overshared, and he used that against me later.
The arguments were constant. He always found something to be angry about, something I did wrong. It was exhausting. Eventually, I decided to leave. It was partly because I had someone I now cared for and wanted to be with. Mostly, I just didn’t want to stay in a relationship with someone who manipulated me and made me feel constantly on edge. I told him it was over via text, then calls. He, of course, tried to fight it. I remember when we first met after our break up. I was going to see Karina*, the woman I met while with him, and he showed up.
I got in his car for a quick chat. I told him I was done and didn’t love him anymore. He kept apologizing, but I was done. I told him he had been saying he would change the entire time we had been together. He wasn’t changing. This was who he was. Still, he kept trying, saying we had our whole lives ahead of us and reminding me of the good times at the start.
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The next time we met, I agreed to a civil conversation at a restaurant. I only did it because I had empathy for the creature I had spent years with. But the conversation was a repeat of the one in the car ride. I said I wasn’t happy, didn’t love him anymore, and had only stayed because he kept threatening to post my nudes, tell my mum things, or take away my phone. In fact, I showed up that day intending to give the phone back, but he suddenly became the bigger person, saying he wouldn’t take it because he bought it for me.
This magnanimity, of course, lasted only until he realised I wasn’t budging. Then he started screaming in the restaurant, saying that I was leaving him for a woman. “How could I do that? We had our whole lives to live!” He said I wouldn’t be happy with my new partner. That we wouldn’t last. He even suggested that if I wanted to “do women”, I could, but still be with him. Something we both know he would never have been fine with, because it wasn’t just a physical thing. He held nothing to them, and he hated that. He proceeded to grab the phone he said he wouldn’t take, as well as my purse, and stormed out.
Luckily, I have sense. I hadn’t placed an order or touched anything until he paid. The bill was already sorted before we began talking, and my aunt’s house was nearby, so after calming myself down and wiping my tears, I picked myself up and started walking to my aunts.
A few steps down the street, I heard my name. Ben was running after me with my bag and phone. I ignored him and kept walking. When he got close enough, I dragged my things from him and continued my journey. In his attempt to pull me back, he gave me a cut on my hand. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. We were still on the street, and I spun around and started screaming! “YOU NO GO LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME O! LEAVE ME O! You know my own is not good. YOU KNOW!”
It was so bad that people on the street and even his Bolt driver were shouting at him. After I blew up, he finally left. That wasn’t the first breakup attempt. It was maybe the 50th. Every time I tried to leave, he acted like his life was ending. He’d cry, beg, and promise to change. It became a cycle.
But after the breakup, the true hunting began. He would beg and threaten in turns. He showed up at my house. When he didn’t find me, he went to my mum’s office and told her everything, including the fact that I was now with a woman. My mum was a deacon in church. He knew what telling her meant. Everything I had been trying to avoid by continuing in that horrid relationship happened. Everything I was scared of became reality. He texted, called, made new accounts on Telegram, Instagram, WhatsApp. He used his dad’s, sister’s, brother’s numbers to try to reach me.
He found out I had moved in with my partner in Lagos. I told him directly, too. I think it bruised his ego more than anything. He didn’t just lose me to someone else, he lost me to a woman. He couldn’t dismiss it as just sex. He knew it was serious.
He showed up at places. He physically harassed me once on the road with my cousin. He threatened to come to Lagos and hurt me and my partner. He sent her literal death threats. He also threatened to go to her family house in Port Harcourt. That first year of our relationship was full of his pungent presence. It felt like he refused to let go, and we were stuck dealing with the fallout.
He was also physically abusive while we were together. He would check my phone obsessively. Once, he got violent when a message popped up from someone he didn’t know. He dragged me across the floor to get my phone. Another time, he pinned me down and forced my legs apart when I said I wasn’t in the mood for sex. All of that stayed with me long after we broke up. I was scared, even in public. He said he knew where I was in Lagos. He promised to come and hurt me. For a long time, I kept looking over my shoulder.
Eventually, it stopped. Or more like, he got tired and was too broke to follow up with his threats. I never responded. I blocked him everywhere. When he reached out with a business idea, I blocked that too. He ran out of ways to reach me. He even tried reaching me through Vera.
My partner went through it with me. It was heavy, having to build something new while my ex was actively trying to destroy it. And while I was trying to heal from what I went through with him. He even threatened Karina’s family. I felt terrible for dragging that into her life, but she stood by me. That mattered.
Now, I haven’t heard from him directly. But I know he still talks to one of my friends. Apparently, he’s miserable. And honestly? Good. He caused me so much pain. As for me? July will make it three years since I have been with the love of my life. We have the craziest ginger hamster known to man. We’re happy.
If you’re going through something similar, I’d say this: it will hurt to leave, but it’s a pain that leads somewhere better. There’s life after the ache. There are people who will treat you better. What I’ve learned is that the only person you owe anything is yourself. Don’t let fear keep you in danger. Don’t wait for it to get worse. Leave, and keep leaving. Block, block, block. Your peace is worth protecting.
Editor’s Note: The picture and names in this article are not related to the subject in the story
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