The Non-Muslim Guide To Getting Free Sallah Meat

July 19, 2021

We wrote this for non-muslims who want to enjoy their Sallah holidays by eating meat till their teeth begin to ache.

Enjoy.

1. Make a list of all your muslim friends

Just make a list first. The more, the merrier.

2. Wish them Happy Sallah and remind them you love them

Telling them you love them is unrelated to you begging them for meat, of course. Friends tell each other “I love you” all the time.

3. Tell them that you’re coming to their house

Don’t ask. This is where people make mistakes. If you ask, you’re giving them the opportunity to say no. Just say, “How far, I dey show for your side tomorrow.” Only a wicked friend will say no to you.

4. If you’re not really close with them, we have a couple of excuses you can give to get into their houses

Roll Safe, the Guy-Tapping-Head Meme, Explained
  • “I forgot my charger in your house” always works even if you’ve never been to their house.
  • “I have a gift for you.” But the gift is your presence.
  • “I know how to kill rams for free”. With this one, whatever you do when you get to their house is your business.

5. Leave home early

If you get there late, ojukokoros like you would have finished all the meat. Don’t dull.

6. Feast

Nothing is sweeter than free meat. Nothing.

7. But don’t stay in one place

Remember those your other friends you called? Go to all their houses. (This doesn’t apply if you’re in Lagos, as traffic will finish you before you reach your second destination. If you find one place to eat Sallah meat in Lagos, just stay there.)

8. Remember to have nylons in your possession at all times

You cannot eat everything you get at once. Pack the rest inside nylons and put them in your bag. You can use the neat you get that day to make soup for your family.

9. And Flagyl

Just in case your stomach decides to move mad. Be one step ahead.

10. Don’t drink anything

Small time now, your stomach will be full. No, please.

David Odunlami

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