The Non-Muslim Guide To Getting Free Sallah Meat

July 19, 2021

We wrote this for non-muslims who want to enjoy their Sallah holidays by eating meat till their teeth begin to ache.

Enjoy.

1. Make a list of all your muslim friends

Just make a list first. The more, the merrier.

2. Wish them Happy Sallah and remind them you love them

Telling them you love them is unrelated to you begging them for meat, of course. Friends tell each other “I love you” all the time.

3. Tell them that you’re coming to their house

Don’t ask. This is where people make mistakes. If you ask, you’re giving them the opportunity to say no. Just say, “How far, I dey show for your side tomorrow.” Only a wicked friend will say no to you.

4. If you’re not really close with them, we have a couple of excuses you can give to get into their houses

Roll Safe, the Guy-Tapping-Head Meme, Explained
  • “I forgot my charger in your house” always works even if you’ve never been to their house.
  • “I have a gift for you.” But the gift is your presence.
  • “I know how to kill rams for free”. With this one, whatever you do when you get to their house is your business.

5. Leave home early

If you get there late, ojukokoros like you would have finished all the meat. Don’t dull.

6. Feast

Nothing is sweeter than free meat. Nothing.

7. But don’t stay in one place

Remember those your other friends you called? Go to all their houses. (This doesn’t apply if you’re in Lagos, as traffic will finish you before you reach your second destination. If you find one place to eat Sallah meat in Lagos, just stay there.)

8. Remember to have nylons in your possession at all times

You cannot eat everything you get at once. Pack the rest inside nylons and put them in your bag. You can use the neat you get that day to make soup for your family.

9. And Flagyl

Just in case your stomach decides to move mad. Be one step ahead.

10. Don’t drink anything

Small time now, your stomach will be full. No, please.

David Odunlami

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

April 19, 2021

Mummy, daddy, uncle and aunty, we shall not be beating around the bush. Here is a list of things you do that we do not appreciate and we think you need to stop doing them.  T for Thanks. 1. Sending Whatsapp broadcasts (a.k.a forwarded many times) Please, make it stop. The broadcasts are always so […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

black girl leaning on the wall with curly hair
September 21, 2021

“Everyone from his fraternity ran away except him, and that was how he went down. He died on school grounds. Omo, I wasn’t myself for days. That was when I realized everything everyone said was true.”

8 Nigerian Women Talk About Their Experience With Cultists

Read here:

Recommended Quizzes

November 11, 2019

Everyone has something to say about what kind of person they are. But how well do we truthfully evaluate these things? Not that much, I can assure you. The average person is always lying to themselves to make sure they look good. But you know what and who doesn’t lie? Zikoko quizzes that’s what. Take […]

December 5, 2019

We already tried to guess how much you have in your account and your current net worth, and we think we did a pretty great job (keep any complaints to yourself). Now, we’re going to try and guess your monthly salary based on your relationship with money. Oya, take the quiz: 11 Timed Quizzes For […]

April 9, 2020

At some point in life, we all learnt that someone can be very intelligent and still lack common sense. That’s the difference between being book smart and being street smart. If you’re not sure where on the spectrum you fall, well, that’s what this quiz is here to tell you. Take it:

More from Chopist

August 27, 2021

Pepper Soup is a watery dish made in different parts of the world with different techniques and ingredients. Countries and cultures around the world have their different version of it. Peppersoup has a lot of nutritional and health benefits. Nigerian pepper soup comes in different forms. There is the goat meat pepper soup, fish pepper […]

August 27, 2021

It’s safe to say that the one thing all Africans can agree on is that Jollof rice reigns supreme over all foods. This is not to say that other foods are terrible. They’re great. But you see Jollof ehn, it does things to the body. Jollof is the food of the gods. It’s almost perfect. […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X