Samson Toromade, Author at Zikoko!

It’s not every day Buhari leaves Abuja for another part of Nigeria that’s not his home in Daura. His top three destinations are usually London, London and anywhere that’s not Nigeria.

Catching international flights, not local feelings

But Buhari made the rare local trip to Imo State on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022, and there are a few things that didn’t escape our watchful eyes.

These are the things we noticed about Buhari’s trip to Imo.

Buhari is healthier than ever

We just need to get it out of the way that Buhari is looking way more dashing as he approaches the end of his second term in office. He’s gone from looking like in 2017:

…to looking like the Fresh Prince of Daura in 2022:

All those London trips are finally paying off

We know feeding fat on the Nigerian treasury is a healthcare routine that’s impossible to match, but we’re still going to need him to write a blog post to give us all the tea. Because why’s this guy looking like he’s ready to compete in the Olympics?

#PMBinImo, Sept 13, 2022 @MBuhari X @Hope_Uzodimma1

🎥: @BayoOmoboriowo pic.twitter.com/n7G8JXJzCr
— Tolu Ogunlesi, MON (@toluogunlesi) September 13, 2022

When Buhari promised change seven years ago, he really meant for his own health status. Or maybe this is just how you look when you’ve been on leave from work for seven years.

Buhari needs a hug

Buhari used his Imo trip to take yet another familiar dig at the “Nigerian elite” whom he blamed for not protecting Nigeria’s interests for decades. He blamed them for infrastructural decay, especially the lack of development of the railway system and power.

The president’s major complaint was even though he’s apparently racking up achievements in the areas previous governments failed, the Nigerian elite isn’t washing his feet, touching the hem of his garment and patting him on the back for a job well done.

We’d ask the First Lady to give him a hug for us, but she’s probably back to her Dubai base. Since the Nigerian elite has refused to, who’s going to hug Buhari for us? Xoxo, Mr President.

Buhari’s in love with Uzodinma

A bromance made in the Supreme Court

Remember how we said it’s super rare for Buhari to make local trips? Well, it’s even super rarer that he visits the same state more than once, especially in a region where he’s not very popular.

Yet, this was Buhari’s second visit to Imo State in one year, after a previous visit in September 2021. And that can only mean Governor Hope Uzodinma has his nudes and blackmails him into making these rare trips, or he really loves the governor and would do anything to help him boost his political profile.

Nothing says “besties” like matching outfits

Uzodinma is a man of his name

Buhari was in Imo to commission three key projects in the state: a renovated State House of Assembly building and two roads that may or may not be completely ready for people to use.

Buhari, like us, only just found out that “Uzodinma” actually means “good road”, and we suddenly feel like that’s why the governor has a hard-on for road projects. Now, we wonder if “Okorocha” means “good statue”.

Buhari 1 – 1 IPOB

Before Buhari landed in Imo Tuesday, his people must have been wary that the sit-at-home order declared by the Indigenous People of Biafra (IPOB) would taint his appearance. The order was in honour of the Tuesday court appearance of the group’s leader, Nnamdi Kanu, who’s facing treason charges in Abuja.

Many expected that the sit-at-home would mess with Buhari’s visit and undermine his status as the country’s commander-in-chief. Even though there was a sizable crowd that defied the order and welcomed him, the state capital was still largely deserted. So maybe we’ll call a tie here.

The compliance with the order illustrates just how much the president has lost authority in the southeast region over the years, and how much more the government needs to do to end IPOB’s sit-at-home mandate that’s crippling socio-economic activities in the region.

ALSO READ: What We Learnt from Nyesom Wike’s London Tour
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Let’s pretend to write the script of an award-winning film.

EXT. DANBABA SUNTAI AIRPORT, TARABA STATE

Imagine you’re returning to your home state after four years of being away. As you emerge from a private jet, there’s a crowd of mekunus who erupt in cheers and scream your name.

It’s a Saturday, so it’s hard to know for sure if they’re there because they’re unemployed or they really just love you. But you’ll take anything.

You touch down in your white agbada, happy to be back home, and your rich friends are there to shake your hand. The mekunus all want to touch the hem of your garment. You’re happy to allow them, but there are too many, so you ask them to, “Dress back a bit.”

“Give me some air, please.”

You’re not ready to go home yet because you’ve spent most of the last four years indoors. You’re an extrovert that needs some outside noise, so you head to a stadium that’s named after you.

Your rich friends are there, and so are the mekunus who are still fanning about because it’s a Saturday and there’s no Premier League football to watch because of the Queen’s death. They call this a grand reception, and everyone is in a jolly mood.

To the victor, the spoils

It’s time for speeches and the Speaker of the House of Assembly mounts the podium to say really nice things about you on behalf of the absent state governor. He addresses you as, “Your Excellency” and “an iconic figure” so everyone knows you’re a man of timbre and calibre. Then he calls your return home “an epoch-making occasion” so you know he went to school and isn’t a nepotism baby. He concludes his speech with something about forgiveness.

“Forgive and forget, baby. You’re not vengeance.”

It’s now your turn to mount the podium and address your adoring fans — your rich friends and the mekunus who are still there for some reason. A vote of thanks is important, so you appreciate the retired military general in Abuja who made your return home possible.

These are tears of joy

And for your coup de grace, it’s time to talk about the people who were the reason you’ve not been home for four years. You should diss them for keeping you from the comfort of your lovely bed, but you’re not Nyesom Wike and you don’t have his merry band of jesters or the charisma to pull it off.

You’re not him

As the Christian you are, you forgive your haters with your church mind that doesn’t allow you to wish them evil for sending you away from home. You say, “I hold no grudges against anybody, and I’ve forgiven all who God used to send me to prison.”

Prison ke? Who are you?!

You’re Jolly Nyame, and you’re a convicted thief. And the haters you’re forgiving are the people who made sure you faced justice for your crimes.

Unfortunately, this is all real life.

Who’s Jolly Nyame?

In 1992, the people of Taraba State elected Jolly Nyame as their governor, but his tenure was cut short by the 1993 military coup of General Sani Abacha. Six years later, in 1999, he won another election as governor and a re-election in 2003. This leaves him with the rare flex of having won three governorship elections in Nigeria — a very exclusive club.

But when Nyame left office in 2007, the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) knocked on his door to bring him the gospel of anti-corruption. “You’ve been a bad boy,” the EFCC said. Naturally, Nyame didn’t agree.

“Whatever this is about, it wasn’t me that stole the ₦1.64 billion, but I may have taken ₦180 million out of a ₦250 million contract I approved to buy stationery for government offices. I’ll return that small change but leave me alone after,” he said, but not in those exact words.

The EFCC didn’t leave him alone, and the two parties dragged the case in court for years while Nyame tried unsuccessfully to become a senator in 2011 and 2015. Finally, in May 2018, Justice Adebukola Banjoko of the FCT High Court considered the evidence again Nyame and gave her ruling:

Justice Banjoko sentenced Nyame to 14 years in prison, but he fought this judgement at the Court of Appeal which shaved his prison time down to 12 years. Still unsatisfied with his mini-victory, the former governor pressed ahead to the Supreme Court to overturn his sentence, but he lost.

These aren’t tears of joy

Many reasonable people would say this was his final bus stop, but Jolly Nyame’s God doesn’t wear flip-flops — he’s an ordained reverend after all.

Manna from ~~heaven~~ Buhari

The government of Buhari (of anti-corruption fame) announced on April 14th, 2022, that the president had granted a pardon to 159 prison inmates and ex-convicts who begged for it. Jolly Nyame was one of the lucky ones. Nigerians were pressed about the pardon, but Nyame couldn’t care less. He was a free man eight years ahead of schedule.

The presidency explained in April that Nyame got his pardon due to life-threatening ill-health. But that hardly looked the case when the former governor finally made his grand re-entry to Taraba State on Saturday, September 10th, 2022, welcomed and feted by the same people he stole from.

What’s the lesson here?

Nyame’s victory lap in Taraba has naturally received some backlash online:

https://twitter.com/Bolajuade/status/1569439428581654530?s=20&t=TibeCLsf4n3A5Ojdb1jJNQ

Not only has Jolly Nyame got a slap on the wrist for a crime with far-reaching implications on the lives of people he swore to serve, he’s walking around acting like his release vindicates him. Even worse, the people in government are licking the underside of his boots.

With the 2023 elections around the corner, a man who robbed his state blind is now promising to help reshape its future. It’s a situation that calls for the head of those who released him to get checked by a doctor or a friendly taser.

Nyame’s Taraba homecoming was ugly, chaotic and an insult to the Nigerian justice system, and the only lesson to learn from it is if you want to steal and get away with it in Nigeria, steal big.

ALSO READ: Why Everyone Is Angry Buhari Pardoned Two Thieves for Easter
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Finally, some good news for Nigerians: Buhari’s special Christmas gift is to end terrorism completely by the end of the year.

President Buhari’s ascent to the number one seat in the country rested on his promise to end insecurity in Nigeria. Voters believed him easily because he’s a retired military general and that should mean he can crush terrorism with just his side eye if he stares really hard.

But the president must have only been squinting at terrorists as insecurity escalated over the past seven years. He definitely tightened the noose on Boko Haram, but a different kind of terrorism with no religious buzz rose in other regions of the country. Those terrorists have attacked Nigerians in their homes, on the road, on train tracks and even at the airport.

The president is sick of that now and has ordered the country’s security agencies to do their jobs and secure the country. The Minister of Interior, Rauf Aregbesola, who’s known more for announcing public holidays than his spectacular failure to manage internal security, announced the government’s new resolve at a joint security press conference this week.

The minister said the day is coming when Nigerians can sleep with their two eyes closed again because their security is guaranteed. And by December 2022, peace is scheduled to be restored to every inch of Nigeria. Buhari has ordered it and so shall it be.

The government’s latest promise would be the kind of news to toast cheap bottles of wine to, except we’ve been here before many times under Buhari. We’ll believe it when we see it.

What Else Happened This Week?

Unpaid Police Officers Are Losing Their Wives to Okada Riders

Even by Nigerian standards, police officers taking to the streets to protest against unpaid wages is a terrifying nightmare. Yet, that’s what police special constabularies in Osogbo, Osun State did on September 7th, 2022.

For context, these officers are part of the Community Policing Constabulary Scheme. They assist the main police force with grassroots tasks like intelligence gathering and reporting cases. So, they’re like the errand boys of the Nigeria Police Force (NPF).

The constables complained that the government failed to pay their salaries for 18 months, and you can imagine what that means with the state of this economy. Inflation is skyrocketing and the cost of living isn’t anybody’s mate right now. But even worse than that, the protesters were unhappy that the sapa choking them was making them lose their wives to okada riders. It was enough of a significant problem that one of them wrote, “Okada riders are sleeping with our wives” on a placard at the protest.

The NPF didn’t roll out tanks, water canons and tear gas against the protesters like they do to civilians. But the Osun State Commissioner of Police, Adewale Olokode, did have strong words for them. He called them an embarrassment and expected them to communicate their grievances more privately according to protocol.

Every worker deserves his fair wages, and it’s abundantly clear why the government should never neglect to pay the allowances of police officers. A failure to do so is the kind of thing that leads them to extort innocent Nigerians, and extortion is just the gateway drug for crooked cops to get worse. The government should pay them so they can get their wives back.

Have You Seen This Video?

Who do you think will win in 2023? pic.twitter.com/mbuHd8m5K3
— Citizen by Zikoko (@ZikokoCitizen) September 3, 2022

Question of the Week

What are the names of the two top politicians who recently turned skit makers? (Hint: One is a former minister and the other is a former senator.)

Click here to tweet your answer to @ZikokoCitizen on Twitter.

Ehen, one more thing…

We may not be in the days of Noah, but deadly floods have wrecked thousands of lives in 33 states and the Federal Capital Territory (FCT) since the beginning of the year. Buhari says he’s on top of things, but who believes anything that guy says these days?
Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom has died after 96 long years on this rock planet. She ascended the throne in 1952, just eight years before Nigeria finally became independent from the colonial grips of her British empire.

We look at her relationship with Nigeria through the lenses of many cameras over the decades.

1956: Queen Elizabeth II’s first time in Nigeria

Queen Elizabeth’s first ~~excursion~~ visit to Nigeria happened in 1956. She spent 20 days after landing on January 28th, making a lit entrance in this borrow-pose Rolls Royce:

Here are a lot of black and white pictures from the visit:

[Image Source: Nigerian Finder]

[Image Source: Arewa Cycle]

[Image Source: Guardian Nigeria]

[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]

[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]

[Image Source: Facebook/TalkRealSolutions]

[Image Source: Only Africa Facts]

The Queen got some colourful pictures too:

[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]

[Image Source: Study HQ]

[Image Source: Nigerian Info]

[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]

And she had adoring fans at the time too, or people who just needed to make their urgent ₦2k:

[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]

2003: Queen Elizabeth II’s reunion with Nigeria

Queen Elizabeth visited Nigeria a second time for the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM) summit in 2003. She spent only two days, so you only get two pictures from her visit.

President Olusegun Obasanjo played host:

[Image Source: Alamy]

ALSO READ: Operation London Bridge: Queen Lizzie Is Dead

Handshakes with Nigerian presidents

President Obasanjo was Nigeria’s only democratic president to host Queen Elizabeth, but she hosted others in her country.

Like President Yar’Adua:

[Image Source: Dominic Lipinski/PA Images]

President Jonathan ~~and his orange juice~~:

[Image Source: Getty Images]

She also shook hands with this guy:

[Image Source: Presidency]

…on more than one occasion:

[Image Source: Presidency]

And then, there was this one time she synced in formation with the Nigerian High Commissioner, George Oguntade:

[Image Source: Vogue]

ALSO READ: But How Does Queen Elizabeth II’s Death Affect Nigeria?
Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom lived a long eventful life, but she finally died at the age of 96 on September 8th, 2022.

The queen’s exit is the end of an era and its impact isn’t limited to just her home from where colonialism did a global tour. Her death will directly impact many things in Britain from the nation’s anthem to its banknotes.

But what impact can the queen’s death possibly have in Nigeria?

We’ll probably name something after her

As Nigeria’s former monarch, it should come as no shock to anyone when the Nigerian government decides to (re)name something important after Queen Elizabeth.

Serial presidential aspirant, Adamu Garba, is already ahead of everyone and suggesting the University of Nigeria, Nsukka (UNN) be renamed in the queen’s honour.

In order to immortalized Queen Elizabeth, we should rename the University of Nigeria, Nsukka to Queen Elizabeth University of Nigeria since it is the first University in Nigeria.
— Adamu J. B Garba II (@adamugarba) September 8, 2022

We can expect the Nigerian government to do oversabi and name the Fourth Mainland Bridge or soon-to-be-completed Second Niger Bridge in her honour.

There may be a public holiday

The United Kingdom will likely set aside a day as a public holiday in honour of the queen. As part of the Commonwealth of Nations, Nigeria may decide to adopt this holiday, but this isn’t set in stone. We can always do with an extra holiday sha, and treat it as a final gift from the queen. Buhari, make it happen!

ALSO READ: Why the FG Needs to Give Us More Public Holidays

Renegotiate Commonwealth membership

Speaking of the Commonwealth of Nations, the queen’s death is expected to affect the political association that’s been criticised as a post-colonial legacy of the British empire. It’s a PR club to launder the history of an empire that colonised and exploited the world. And the queen’s death may be the catalyst to finally burn it to the ground.

Those Benin Bronzes

Over 100 years after British soldiers destroyed the Benin Kingdom and stole thousands of artefacts, many of them remain scattered all over the world. While many institutions are starting to return these artefacts, the British Museum which houses the biggest collection has insisted on hanging on to them. They keep telling Nigeria:

Maybe King Charles will press the museum’s neck to return them in an attempt to earn some low-hanging goodwill?

Buhari has a trip to plan

Buhari can’t allow a good excuse to travel to the UK go to waste, and the queen’s death is a reason as good as any. Expect our travel blogger-in-chief to hop on a plane anytime soon to go console King Charles.

ALSO READ: Operation London Bridge: Queen Lizzie Is Dead
The 2023 presidential election is yet another make-or-mar election for Nigerians to decide the future of the country.

…and boys and girls are not smiling

The choices voters make can be the catalyst for Nigeria becoming either Wakanda or the African Venezuela.

With the campaign season set to officially start on September 28th, 2022, what are the electoral issues that’ll be front and centre when Nigerian voters head to the polls next February?

Education

When President Buhari started his second term in office, his aide, Bashir Ahmad, tweeted that his second term would be focused on “education, education and education”. Unfortunately, the past three years haven’t lived up to the promise in that tweet.

Bookmark this tweet. This second tenure of President @MBuhari is going to be education, education and education. Schools will be upgraded. Our basic education system will be improved. Education will be priority. Number of out-of-school will be drastically reduced.
— Bashir Ahmad (@BashirAhmaad) June 20, 2019

Nothing makes education an electoral issue more than the fact that thousands of students have been sitting at home for more than six months. Since the Academic Staff Union of Universities (ASUU) went on strike in February 2022, they’ve failed to reach an agreement with the government to resolve their issues. These issues have been recurring since as far back as 1999.

The 2023 presidential election must produce a president who has a clue or two on how to find a permanent solution to ASUU strikes — a pressing problem for the millions of Nigerian students who’ll be voting.

Economy

The economy is a default electoral issue anywhere in the world even in countries with booming economies. But in an economy bent out of shape like Nigeria’s, it’s a critical issue to focus on. The Buhari administration succeeded in dragging Nigeria through two terrible recessions in seven years. Double-digit GDP growth is now a pipe dream.

On the other hand, double-digit inflation has prevailed for years and Buhari has presided over the naira’s worst-ever period in history.

The next president needs to convince Nigerian voters that the trials and tribulations the economy has witnessed under Buhari can be something to laugh about in the future.

Security

In 2022, Nigerians can’t even sleep with two eyes closed anymore, with how insecurity has ravaged the country under Buhari’s APC-led tenure.

The current administration may claim to have significantly tamed the monster of Boko Haram, but terrorists in other regions of the country have filled that vacuum much too comfortably. Thousands of Nigerians are now routinely kidnapped and exchanged for ransom, or killed in mindless acts of violence. The roads are now terribly unsafe and terrorists are targeting rail lines too.

Whoever becomes president in 2023 must provide a clear roadmap for ending the bloodshed.

Make Sleep Great Again

Restructuring

Nigeria is still fundamentally a deeply-divided country. Regional sentiments of secession are as prominent today as they’ve ever been during the current republic. And the antidote to breaking up the country is restructuring it in a way that it caters to regional interests while still remaining together.

Buhari danced around restructuring for much of his tenure, but the next president is going to have to tackle it head-on.

Health status of candidates

Nigeria has already lost one president to death due to his poor health status in 2010. And a highlight of Buhari’s presidential legacy is the combined 200+ days he spent in London treating an undisclosed illness.

It’s no surprise Nigerian voters need some reassurance that presidential candidates are in the best shape to take over the reins of the country, so history doesn’t repeat itself. It’s the kind of thing that would make voters wary of red flags like Tinubu’s mannequin challenge:

WHY IS TINUBU LEFT HAND CONSTANTLY SHAKING AS HE ADDRESS HIS FOLLOWERS? pic.twitter.com/ClsIaWGUDt
— Lori Afefe (@LoriAfefeTV) February 28, 2022

It wouldn’t be a bad idea for candidates to make their health reports public before Nigerians head to the polls. But will they do it?

Candidate’s origin

Zoning has been a major talking point of the 2023 elections already, especially around the primary elections that produced the candidates. With Buhari, a northerner, ending his time at Aso Rock Villa after eight years, there have been calls for the next president to be a southerner.

And even in the south, there have been calls that the next president should come from the southeast region. This origin issue has taken a beating for much of this year and isn’t as prominent anymore, but it’ll still play on the mind of millions of Nigerians at the polls in 2023.

Religion

A candidate’s religion isn’t typically a major talking point because everyone usually adheres to the principle of balancing a presidential ticket. But the candidate of the All Progressives Congress (APC), Bola Tinubu, has sent tongues waging with his choice of a fellow Muslim as running mate.

No major presidential ticket in Nigeria has been bold enough to make such an attempt since 1993, and aggressive opposition to it is expected to grow as the 2023 election approaches.

As a Nigerian voter, what are the electoral issues your candidate must promise to tackle?

ALSO READ: Emi Lokan: Why Tinubu Feels Entitled to Nigeria’s Iron Throne
Femi Fani-Kayode, a former federal minister, and Dino Melaye, a former senator, have exactly two things in common — they’ve both been in the same Nollywood film and possess an abundant lack of shame. Both men have years of political experience under their belts, but their most visible contribution to Nigerian politics has been farcical comedy.

On the one hand, Fani-Kayode is unintentionally hilarious because he takes himself too seriously and shoots off wacky conspiracy theories like evil spirits directing Nigeria’s affairs.

On the other hand, Dino Melaye is a deeply intentional comedian with his skits and theatrics, including dodging a court appearance by faking a kidnap story that involved hiding on a treetop for 11 hours.

Together, Fani-Kayode and Melaye are both the unstoppable force and immovable object of political comedy in Nigeria. And they clashed on social media this week.

Who started it?

On September 4th, 2022, Fani-Kayode called for the arrest of Melaye and the leadership of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) for alleged corruption. He said Melaye confessed in an interview that PDP governors spent money on delegates to elect party chairman, Iyorchia Ayu, in 2021, violating electoral laws.

And because Fani-Kayode can’t do without speaking big English, he called the PDP “a party of scammers, carpet-baggers, vote-procurers, petty thieves, pickpockets and yahoo-yahoo criminals.”

Fani-Kayode also warned the Nigerian police to take action or he’d be forced to drag the PDP to court. You see, unintentional comedian.

How did Melaye take it?

Melaye didn’t take Fani-Kayode’s finger-pointing too well when he issued his own response hours later. First, he said the comment his nemesis referred to was from an old interview — as if that changes anything — and devolved into his own round of name-calling like “bootlicker”, “drug addict” and “a serial hustler around food dispensers”.

And this was when the real war moved to the worst place imaginable: Twitter.

A timeline of insults… and skits

Fani-Kayode spent much of September 5th calling Melaye an “asslicker” and drug addict with tweets like this:

He days Dino was taking drugs with him the night before? Tell us more!

My Hausa brothers, please translate… pic.twitter.com/PCp4OOEPWU
— Femi Fani-Kayode (@realFFK) September 5, 2022

And Melaye responded with a video clip of a random woman calling Fani-Kayode a drug addict.

FFK IS A DRUG ADDICT. NO SHAME AT ALL…..No bi Dino MELAYE talk dis one oooo.! pic.twitter.com/NEQ4iGTR7S
— Senator Dino Melaye. (SDM) (@_dinomelaye) September 5, 2022

On September 6th, Melaye played his next card: a clip of the current Minister of Transportation, Rotimi Amaechi, accusing Fani-Kayode of embezzling over ₦2 billion during his tenure as Minister of Aviation between 2006 and 2007. Melaye now added his own jara that Fani-Kayode spent the money on drugs.

*FFK Collected #2billion from Rivers State and used it for DRUGS* . pic.twitter.com/Mzku5QCgPX
— Senator Dino Melaye. (SDM) (@_dinomelaye) September 6, 2022

Fani-Kayode responded with his own video “proof” that Amaechi’s allegation was bogus. He also found it in his heart to call Melaye a “fat, desperate, mannerless, filthy and uncouth plebian, peasant and clown”.

He refused to post my response to the allegation on the same day and on the same programme.

Needless to say I proved that every allegation that Ameachi made was baseless. …2
— Femi Fani-Kayode (@realFFK) September 6, 2022

But the entire time, he still considered his engagement to be “mild and restrained”.

We come from different worlds and the gutter is your natural habitat and domain.

You were born there, you live there and you will die there.

Meanwhile I am waiting for you.

This is personal and from today your life will never be the same again.
…5
— Femi Fani-Kayode (@realFFK) September 6, 2022

God save us all if this is restrained

Before we go on, here’s an intermission showing Melaye doesn’t know how front cameras work:

Atiku is it pic.twitter.com/F3Xd9al7ju
— Senator Dino Melaye. (SDM) (@_dinomelaye) September 6, 2022

And back to the battleground, Fani-Kayode posted this hilarious video of Melaye seriously play-acting to avoid police detention. He also dropped some mean words mixed with homophobia, because that’s who this former minister is.

A grown man, weeping and crying and crawling all over the floor simply because he was arrested.

I have never seen such weakness and cowardice.

Is this the man that wants to lead the charge for a serious presidential contender?

…2
— Femi Fani-Kayode (@realFFK) September 6, 2022

He followed it up with this picture of Melaye in the trenches to remind him he used to be poor:

This is Dino Melaye drinking gari when he was still struggling!

You can take a man out of the jungle but you can't take the jungle out of a man!

This clown is real jungle! 🤣 pic.twitter.com/xNTMMlkKdm
— Femi Fani-Kayode (@realFFK) September 6, 2022

And Melaye was quick to reply that with, “And so?”

FFK l posted this picture myself in 2010 as a member of House of Reps showing how much l like garri Ijebu. I have never hidden the fact that am from a very poor background. I am proud of my past, my present and my future. Won 3 National elections and have a second address. pic.twitter.com/m2XcyGQ3L9
— Senator Dino Melaye. (SDM) (@_dinomelaye) September 6, 2022

We presume Drake’s “Started from the Bottom” was playing in the background when he tweeted this

Does this thing end?

For the grand finale that’s better than what Game of Thrones gave the world, Fani-Kayode and Melaye finished with a battle of skits.

Melaye dropped his skit first and it looked like this:

I will not invite FFK for dinner pic.twitter.com/2vxanX0dA4
— Senator Dino Melaye. (SDM) (@_dinomelaye) September 6, 2022

And Fani-Kayode responded with his own skit:

Read the signboard: pigs cannot enter! 😂🤣😂 pic.twitter.com/v9mf3DqQ8S
— Femi Fani-Kayode (@realFFK) September 6, 2022

We really just have some sympathy for those bodyguards and hangers-on who were dragged into the production of these skits to earn their urgent ₦2k. Also, it wasn’t a great day for interior decor.

So, who won?

After dragging each other back and forth for three days, Melaye tweeted that he’d no longer dignify a politically-irrelevant Fani-Kayode with more responses.

I will no longer dignify someone who is irrelevant and not in the political scheme of things. No more response to statements made under influence. Am 100% focused on APC and the colossal failure and calamity they brought upon us. We in the PDP through Atiku will rescue Nigeria.
— Senator Dino Melaye. (SDM) (@_dinomelaye) September 7, 2022

And Fani-Kayode graciously accepted the ceasefire by calling Melaye a lipstick-wearing pig. He also hinted that the ceasefire happened because “leaders” intervened behind the scenes.

…"politically relevant" and who is in the "political scheme of things" and who is not. Out of respect to the leaders who intervened, unless and until the ceasefire is violated, I will not pay any more attention to the unlearned & uncultured. Instead I will focus on doing… 2/
— Femi Fani-Kayode (@realFFK) September 7, 2022

And now, we hope we can start seeing some of the “issues-based election campaigns” everyone talks about even though we never really see it happen.

ALSO READ: The 2023 Presidential Campaign Promises We Already Find Laughable
Just a year ago, Abba Kyari was on top of the world — he was a decorated deputy commissioner of police (DCP) and commander of one of the most elite units of the Nigeria Police Force (NPF). He also had a thing for photo-ops:

…and sick ass poses:

But in July 2021, Abba Kyari’s world turned upside down when a weapon fashioned against him prospered. That weapon’s name is Ramon Abbas, aka Hushpuppi:

With allegations that he collaborated with Hushpuppi, a fraudster, swirling over him, and the United States of America demanding the huge honour of his presence, the NPF suspended Kyari. But he didn’t lay down in a corner of his room to cry about how life was unfair to him. And while the Nigerian government was dragging its feet on sending him to America, Kyari allegedly found a side gig dealing cocaine.

His alleged cocaine dabbling landed him in the net of the National Drug Law Enforcement Agency (NDLEA) and he was soon facing a new set of charges on home soil. And as if he wasn’t already deep in the mud, the NDLEA also found that he also dabbled in some tramadol trade.

It’s been back-to-back-to-back Ls for Abba Kyari for a year now, but something changed recently.

RELATED: Narcos Nigeria: The Curious Case of Abba Kyari

Abba Kyari is anti-japa

Many Nigerians are very eager to japa and relocate abroad these days. But Abba Kyari is the kind of man who’s the opposite, even when he’s being offered an all-expense paid trip to the United States.

“What’s there sef that’s not in Abuja?”

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) sent Nigeria an extradition request in 2021 to kick Kyari over to the United States to answer for his crimes. But the office of the Attorney-General of the Federation (AGF), Abubakar Malami, didn’t file extradition charges against him until March 2022 when he was already the NDLEA’s special houseguest.

The AGF’s timing was problematic for one reason: he was setting Kyari up to win.

How Kyari got his groove back…

Section 3 of Nigeria’s Extradition Act provides for an extradition request to be rejected if the suspect has a pending criminal case in Nigeria. Since the NDLEA already charged Kyari to court on drug trafficking charges, it was clear to even an infant that there was no way a court would approve his extradition to the United States. In fact, this scenario gave rise to online conspiracy theories that Kyari’s cocaine entanglement was orchestrated so he could legally abort his trip to America.

On August 29th, 2022, Justice Inyang Ekwo of the Federal High Court in Abuja threw out the Federal Government’s extradition case against Kyari as predicted by everyone but AGF Malami. The judge described the government’s case as “strange, incompetent and bereft of merit” and wondered how a whole AGF would do such an abysmal job.

By hook or crook, AGF Malami handed Abba Kyari the first thing he can consider a win since Hushpuppi rocked his world in 2021. But, of course, this is Kyari, so there’s always some twist.

…and how he lost it

Whatever oil that helped Kyari win on August 29th, it was already dry the next day when his NDLEA trial resumed before Justice Emeka Nwite at the Federal High Court in Abuja.

Justice Nwite rejected Abba Kyari’s application for bail despite his protest that he’s not a flight risk. It was the second bail application that the judge has rejected since Kyari’s trial started.

On the same August 30th, the NDLEA filed fresh charges against Kyari for non-disclosure of assets and money laundering. The agency also found over ₦207 million and €17,598 in bank accounts that were linked to him.

What will happen to Abba Kyari now?

Abba Kyari’s dramatic fall from grace plays like a Fela song that doesn’t know when to end. He finally tasted victory for the first time in a long time but couldn’t enjoy it long enough before he returned to the mud again.

We know enough of Kyari now to be certain that this isn’t the end of his story. The “supercop” always has a twist up his sleeves because it’s never boring on the Abba Kyari express train. When will he run out of drama?

ALSO READ: Tramadol Heist: Abba Kyari Has Done It Again!
For Lagosians, news of a building collapsing is just another Sunday, except for people that are unfortunately affected.

The state is a witness to many incidents of buildings, completed and uncompleted, crashing down to the ground.

It’s impossible to forget how more than 40 people died when a 21-storey luxury building under construction in Ikoyi collapsed in November 2021. The collapse of a three-storey building in Lagos Island in May 2022 also claimed the lives of three people.

Despite the promises made by different administrations over the years to put a stop to the unfortunate trend, it isn’t slowing down. And now, yet another building has collapsed.

What’s new?

On Sunday, September 4th, 2022, a building collapsed in Oba Idowu Oniru Street beside Avi Maria in Victoria Island, Lagos. The seven-storey building was still under construction when it collapsed and trapped six people under it.

The Lagos State Emergency Management Agency (LASEMA) responded to the scene of the collapse to commence rescue operations.

By the end of Sunday, emergency workers recovered two bodies from under the rubble. The agency recovered four more bodies on Monday, September 5th, 2022, leaving the death toll at six.

Who’s responsible for the building collapse?

Before its collapse on Sunday, the Lagos State government shut down construction work at the building site three times over code violations. But construction somehow resumed each time.

When he visited the site of the collapse on Sunday, the Lagos State Commissioner for Physical Planning and Urban Development, Idris Salako, vowed to crack down on those behind the project.

The commissioner accused the building developer of disregarding the state’s building planning laws. He said the developer constructed the building without a valid planning permit.

According to Salako, the developer merely applied for the permit and went ahead with construction without getting approval. The name of the developer hasn’t been made public, but the commissioner accused him of using his personal security to intimidate government officials who attempted to inspect the project.

The government is now searching for the developer and all the professionals that worked on the building.

Who’s the scapegoat?

On Monday, September 5th, Salako resigned as the Commissioner for Physical Planning and Urban Development in Lagos. Governor Babajide Sanwo-Olu called it a “restructuring” of the ministry, but that’s like calling a potato a fruit. The resignation was obviously a consequence of the collapsed building and dozens of others that have happened in Lagos.

And the governor gave himself away when, in a statement about the resignation, he warned stakeholders in the building sector to play by the rules or face consequences.

The resignation or dismissal of a government official in reaction to tragic incidents is very rare in Nigeria. Should the government do more of this? Maybe it might help foster a culture of accountability?

How to stop the next building collapse

The government has its work cut out for it and needs to improve surveillance of buildings under construction across the state. But vigilant citizens can also help the government by sending tips to authorities if they suspect buildings in their environment aren’t up to code. If you see something, say something as that’s what might prevent the next tragedy.