Forget what your driving school instructor said, that’s if you had one anyway. Take this quiz and we’ll tell you if you’re a good driver or an agbero on wheels.
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When my father decided to sell the land beside our house, a prospect said he needed it for an adult school. Imagine our surprise when kids moved into the building after it was completed.
Based on this experience, here are some sounds no one wants to wake up to after moving into a new apartment:
Noises from children
Whether they’re singing at the assembly, laughing or reciting the two times table. Nobody deserves to suffer like that, certainly not for kids who aren’t yours.
Church bells
The moment you hear church bells, just know you’re in trouble. Because what happens when they decide to hold a 7-day revival, a crusade or even early morning prayers?
And you can’t even tell God to push them away, so you just sit and cry.
RELATED: 7 Lines You Will Definitely Hear In A Nigerian Church
Squeaking of rats
No one wants a freeloader roommate, especially the type that interrupts your beauty sleep cause it wants a midnight snack.
Neighbours’ singing
Nobody said they shouldn’t be happy, but can they be happy at a lower pitch? Mama Chinelo, I don’t want to Buga. I just want to sleep.
FIND OUT: 9 Dead Giveaways Your Neighbours Will Stress You
Landlord’s voice
Nothing good comes out of landlord visits, everyone knows that. We’d rather he texts us whatever he has to say even.
Domestic animals
There should be laws against rearing animals in residential areas tbh. Because not only are they noisy, they also smell a lot. Imagine going through the torture for meat you’re not even going to eat.
ALSO READ: If You Live In Nigeria, We Can Bet These Are Your Neighbours
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Many Nigerians have decided it’s better to be patriotic from abroad than to stick around for things to get better, and can we blame them? The country is after our lives.
While you’re happy about your loved ones’ japaing, it’s also valid to feel sad, upset, frustrated, jealous even. Don’t take my word for it; here’s what these Nigerians had to say about being left behind.
“I don’t know how many more goodbyes I have in me” — Bola
My really close friend travelled a while back, and I was devastated, to say the least. I’d been aware of the whole process, but when it hit was when he got his visa. I was overjoyed — I’m not a witch — but I was also very sad because it could be the end of our friendship. I’ve started to think seriously about relocating because everyone around me seems either ready to leave or in the process, and I don’t know how many more goodbyes I have in me.
“We weren’t close, so it didn’t make a difference” — Esther
It was pretty much a relief for me. My sister getting her visa meant she could join her husband who left a year before. Asides from that, we hadn’t been close for a long time, so her relocation didn’t make a difference to me.
“I was heartbroken for the first couple of months” — Emma
Both my siblings are out of the country, so I’m experienced in this subject matter. However, the reactions were a little different for both of them — my elder sister left when I was younger and in boarding school, so even though I was sad, I didn’t feel it so much.
But because my younger sister and I really bonded over COVID, I was heartbroken for the first couple of months after she left. It’s been a year now, and even though I still miss her, I think the distance has helped us grow. My elder sister and I are even closer now.
“We don’t have enough memories” — Flo
Having people you care about leave just makes you sad. It makes you question yourself like “What are you doing with your life? When will you be ready for this big change too? Is relocating even something you want?”
When you get past that part, you realise you haven’t made enough memories with the person, and that’s the sad part because you can’t even say what will happen after they leave, you can only hope they don’t forget you in the end.
“I didn’t expect to feel as sad” — Bankole
A friend of mine who also happens to be my coworker told me he was leaving in a month, and I was sad. I didn’t expect to feel as sad as I did because we had a misunderstanding some months ago that put a dent in our friendship. But with him leaving, the fight seems so trivial now, and stupid.
“I’ll miss her, but I’m looking at the bigger picture” — Temi
My cousin leaving for the UK is one of the best things to happen with the country falling apart. Yes, I’ll miss her, but I’m looking at the bigger picture — her being there is all the motivation I need to be serious with my plans in the coming year.
“It’s like I’ve missed out on friendships that would’ve been” — Adebo
Over the years, I’ve had my sister and at least three close friends relocate. I’m so happy for them, I switch between asking them to come visit and advising them against stepping foot in Nigeria. But nothing takes away the feeling that I’ve missed out on friendships and relationships that would’ve been. It’s even worse when they move to places with different time zones from mine. My best friend is going to leave soon. Just thinking about it makes me shed tears because he’s my last close friend around.
CHECK NOW: Forget About Japaing if You Do Less Than 14/20 of These Things
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“Our famous Warri beans pie is actually an intercontinental dish”, was what his Whatsapp status read, and because I’d lived in Warri, I actually knew the snack he was referring to. I commented on the post, we had a good laugh, and then, this conversation.
As told to Memi
Up until I left home in 2017, I’d thought everyone knew these foods, or at least, heard about them. But every time I reminisced about the street foods I grew up on, I raised a few brows — and that’s when I realised how unique they are.
I’d never learnt how to make any of these foods, even though I knew most of the ingredients and processes involved by heart. The food just slapped better when it was bought off the streets of Delta State. Not having access to these foods now, has to be one of the biggest culture shocks I’ve experienced moving to the East.
RELATED: 9 Nigerian Meals We Love to Eat but Never Cook Ourselves
I grew up in Delta State, Warri to be precise. And in my 20-plus years, I just might’ve tried all the street foods available there; from madiga to kpokpogarri, esikpokpo and abolibo fish even. But if I had to choose one, it’d be madiga paired with corned beef and Blue Band margarine.
Madiga is baked flour, like bread but stronger and in small hand-size squares. I like to think of it as a local jawbreaker because I don’t think anyone can go through four without having a toothache. I don’t believe there’s anyone in Warri who hasn’t had madiga because it’s everywhere there.
If you want to add a twist, you can eat it with esikpokpo — pork stock or juice, if you may. I know how it sounds, but you’d be surprised how great it tastes.
We had a woman who sold snacks in my high school, and for sure, most of my pocket money went to her. When I wasn’t obsessing over madiga, it was coconut candy — fried coconut shavings wrapped in honey — and on some days, Kpokpogarri — dried cassava sold with groundnut, salted or not.
CHECK THEM OUT: 7 Meals You Can Eat on Sunday Instead of Rice
While others looked forward to Sunday rice, I couldn’t wait to have the end-of-service bean pie. My parents attended an Anglican church and the services went on forever, my friends and I would sneak out during service to buy beans pie. It remains one of my fondest childhood memories because it a Sunday ritual. I recently watched a Hollywood movie in which they mentioned beans pie, and since then, I’ve been bragging that it’s intercontinental. I said what I said.
Speaking of internationally-recognised foods, I was once in an argument about this particular fish dish I liked— abolibo fish — it took a Google search to prove it exists. Nigerians are quick to cancel anything they’re not used to, but I think you have to at least try the food before cancelling it. For instance, maggots — yes, edible worms, fried and lined on a stick. The best ones are gotten in traffic before entering the city proper.
An honourable mention: Banga rice or oil rice. The catch here is it has to be eaten straight from a nylon. You literally just cut a hole at the tip and press the rice out. It doesn’t matter how old I get, this would always be the way to eat it. If it’s served on a plate, I don’t want it.
ALSO READ: This Is For You If You’re Addicted To Street Food
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If you do less than half the things on this list, then you are clearly not as assertive as you think.
Please take this quiz ❌
You should take this quiz ❌
Better let us tell you how assertive you are from this quiz✔️
Questions
This is a question
Choose all that apply:
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What’s that saying about dressing the way you want to be addressed? We can guess for sure what job you’d rather be doing from your outfit decisions.
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The unending floods, traffic and hiked transport fares are here, and so, if you’re still living in Lagos, two things are certain: you’re either in love with suffering or you’ve hacked surviving the city.
No one person has the answer, so we compiled a list of very important tips for surviving Lagos, sourced from Twitter.
This first tip goes without saying, but you see that madness? It’s even more important.
Even if you don’t understand Yoruba, you should have a handful of insults ready for whoever tries to mess with you.
Because if your daddy was a king, why would he let you live in Lagos? *Tearss*
If you still don’t know this, maybe you need to learn the hard way.
READ NOW: The Horrible Stages of Losing Your Phone in Computer Village
Why? We don’t know, but a lot of people agreed with him and he’s a doctor—he has to be right.
We’re pretty sure this is part of your driving school test.
And before then, take swim lessons.
Nobody will want to mess with you if you keep reminding them that you’re not normal.
Wait, where do you think you are?
LMAO, whether you’re in a hurry or not, you can’t appear sluggish at any point, that’s how they take you fi idiat.
After being stuck in traffic, paying double fare price, and still having to swim the rest of the way home, why should anything be funny to you?
WHILE YOU’RE HERE: 7 Things You Must Always Carry With You in Lagos
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Eating the same rice, bread and yam every week can get boring. This is why we compiled a list of other things you can eat.
Water
Getting tired of everyday Nigerian food means you’ve had enough and need a break. Imagine drinking water for lunch and dinner, your skin would be glowing by the time you’re done.
Bonus point: You also get to save money. RELATED: Interview With Water
Music
They don’t call it food for the soul for nothing. After jamming to all the latest afrobeats releases, you’d be too full to even think about any other food.
Your partner’s work
Enjoyment for you, enjoyment for your partner. Is this how we end world starvation?
Beating
Chop one slap here, one knock there. A good beating is all the food you need when you think about it.
If physical beating is too much, just get someone to beat you at a game and watch yourself lose appetite for all these regular foods. You’re welcome.Your annoying sibling
Let’s face it, siblings are great, but they could also be a handful—stealing your clothes, borrowing your money, dragging your parent’s affection with you, and since they also seem to like eating your food all the time, how about you just eat them?
YOU SHOULD KNOW: Which Type Of Sibling Are You?
Scriptures
You should not live by bread alone, but by what?
Latest news
Have you ever wondered why people get a news and instantly have running stomach? If you’re in Nigeria, this one shouldn’t be hard because by the time you finish consuming all the latest news in the country, you’d be full.
We’re not saying it’s good food but at least it’s not rice.
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People swear they’re neither fans of calls nor texts, but does that need to change when they fall in love or enter a relationship? Can you really be interested in someone when you can’t make time to talk to them? These are the questions we had in mind when we spoke to these 8 Nigerians:
“We have at least two calls with texts in between”
Zo*, 28
It’s only right to talk to your partner at least once every day. When you’re not dead or haven’t gone missing, what is your problem?
My partner and I get on a call at least twice a day — one to talk about the day in view, the other to discuss how the day went — with texts at random intervals. We’ve been together for three years, and the longest we’ve gone without talking is a day because we were both really busy and ended up missing each other’s calls.
“We hadn’t spoken for 12 hours, then he showed up at my door”
Pelumi*, 24
There’s no limit to how often you should talk. My partner and I talk every 3-4 hours. There are a lot of calls involved, and when we can’t call, we text each other. Although we had a fight once and went a whole 12 hours without talking — I was going for 24 hours, lol — but he showed up at my door.
Being friends for a long time before dating definitely helps, but it’s still a lot of work.
“I can’t imagine anyone goes a day without talking to their partner”
Lola*, 26
No matter how busy I am, I’ll always find time for people who are important to me, so I’d expect the same energy. My partner and I talk every day, in the morning when we both wake up, with regular check-ins, afternoon check-ins are almost compulsory except for days when we’re very busy. And we have a rule to have evening calls because we’re intentional about communicating.
We’ve never stayed a day without talking, tops we’ve gone is five hours even when we were fighting. This is why I can’t imagine anyone who doesn’t talk to the person they’re dating every day.
RELATED: 8 Signs You Are Now In A Serious Nigerian Relationship
“If we don’t talk in 24 hours, I’d assume you missing”
Erigga*, 24
If you stay a whole day without talking to me, I’d probably file a missing person’s report because, why? We have to talk multiple times a day, with chats, memes and a minimum of one long phone call.
“You should want to talk everyday”
Nosa*, 26
I used to think just being interested in someone meant you had to talk every day, but some things have changed, now I think you should want to talk to the person every day. So even if you don’t talk, it’s not because you don’t want to but because you just couldn’t. And you should save the day’s gist for the next day when you’re filling them in on what they missed.
“We talk till I fall asleep”
Lisa*, 25
We have to talk every day. In fact, every hour of the day, lol. I’ve been in a relationship for a little over a year, and we talk every day. We used to talk a lot more before but it reduced with work stress and the general busyness of adulting. We make up for when we can’t talk during the day by talking at night. On some days, we would be on the call for so long that I’d fall asleep.
“You’re allowed to take a day’s break if you give me notice”
Emmanuel*, 23
If you can’t call or text, except you’re quarrelling, you shouldn’t go past two days. It’s okay for one party to go a day without communicating, as long as there was prior notice, even if you just say you didn’t feel like talking that day.
“We talk everyday because my girlfriend likes it”
Isaac*, 28
I think how often you should talk is largely dependent on what your partner likes. I talk to my babe like three times a day. We chat almost all day, but if she didn’t want to, I’d be okay going a day without talking. There’s no one-size-fits-all with relationships. Your willingness to compromise is what matters.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
ALSO READ: 4 Pros (And Cons) Of Being In A Relationship
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Problems apparently never end in this life, especially if you live in Nigeria. But we can guess your biggest headache when you take this quiz.
