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  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Love Life: We Cheated, and We Moved Past It
    Love Life: We Cheated, and We Moved Past It

    How did you meet?

    Kuro: We met by chance at a cyber café in 2009. I went there to put together my master’s application documents.

    She was there to get her younger brother who was busy playing PlayStation 2 with his friends. We were both delayed for so long that we struck up a conversation. I don’t think anyone said “hi” first; we just started talking about something we noticed, and that was it.

    Dupe: It turned out that we both lived off the same street. We later found out our parents even knew themselves from living in the same area for so long. 

    Kuro: Anyway, we exchanged numbers before parting ways. But I didn’t ask her out because I was sure I’d relocate soon for school. I even got a part-scholarship.

    But?

    Kuro: The uncle who promised to sponsor me suddenly started posting me until I missed my resumption window. I’d even spent money on a UK visa application by then. It was painful, but I deferred from the September intake to January. That one too came, and this uncle suddenly became scarce. He even started avoiding the whole family because of a promise no one forced him to make.

    Dupe: Now that I know him well, I can’t believe he pretends like none of this ever happened.

    Kuro: I’m not even shocked anymore.

    Dupe and I got close during this trying period. She was one of the reasons I got over the disappointment and picked my life back up. We didn’t even see each other again until almost a year after we met, but we were always texting on 2go and BBM. 

    Dupe: Three months after we met, I agreed to date this other guy. I liked him so much that I let him get away with too much. We lasted about ten months before we broke up in 2010.

    When did you start liking each other?

    Kuro: I think once my eyes cleared from the whole UK relocation dream, it was easy to see that Dupe was the only person, apart from my guys and family, who was there for me and supportive. I wanted to hang out with her because it felt like we hadn’t really gotten to know each other yet. 

    Once I got a decent job and received a few months’ salary, I asked for us to meet up at a popular eatery then. This was in April 2010.

    Dupe: We met up and gisted, and that was it. We were still friends. But then, we started doing midnight calls, talking about nothing. My boyfriend started feeling threatened by him. In July, we broke up because he said his pastor told him to, and I immediately told Kuro, “Let’s be in a relationship”.

    Kuro: I was shocked, but if I didn’t like her before, the way she called to tell me that initiated the feelings. I even played “hard to get” because I was like, “Wait for me to ask you first na. Why are you jumping the script?”

    Dupe: Me, I was like, “Stay there. You’ll know when I find another person to fill your spot.” LOL.

    What was it like going from friendship to dating?

    Dupe: It was different. I wanted him to be there for me ALL THE TIME, and a part of me could tell it was overwhelming for him, but I couldn’t help myself.

    Kuro: The first few months when she called to tell me every single thing happening to her was a lot to handle, I must admit. But I also liked being her first go-to person. Before her, I’d only ever dated one person, and it wasn’t a serious relationship.

    Dupe: In my previous relationship, I second-guessed myself a lot. My partner made me question my worth, so I found myself falling back on Kuro for the validation my ex always held back . Kuro gave me all the validation I sought, and I wanted to bask in it. Unfortunately, that too wasn’t healthy.

    How were you able to get past this need?

    Dupe: Well, things went worse before they became better.

    Kuro: We went through life like that for a year. We talked several hours every day and hung out on our street every night. But one day, I was drained and just withdrew for a few days.

    Dupe: He took a break from the relationship. The only problem is I wasn’t aware of this at the time.

    Kuro: She doesn’t want to expose me, but I’ll expose myself. I slept with someone else, one of my friends. I immediately regretted it, so I told Dupe the next week when we started talking again.

    Dupe: I was angry. But I still loved him, so I forgave him.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    So you guys already loved each other at this point?

    Kuro: Yes. That’s the only way to explain how we tolerated each other’s madness that year. 

    It didn’t take long with the other girl before I became remorseful and wanted to make peace with Dupe. I was scared, but I figured it was better to tell the truth than keep such a thing a secret, or worse, have it come to light when I didn’t expect. It was good I did because the babe wanted to create drama around it later, not knowing I’d already told Dupe everything.

    Dupe: I was happy he told me, but I made it clear to him that would be the last time I’d forgive him for cheating. 

    Guess who ended up cheating later on.

    Not him again?

    Dupe: No. Me.

    So, after the whole thing came and went, I forgave him, and we talked about where our relationship was going. I spoke to my mum, and she counselled me that I shouldn’t be too needy, relying on him for everything all the time. We were able to fix the way we ran our relationship, and we were happy with the way things went for several months.

    Eventually, we decided we wanted to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. But first, we had to deal with his family, particularly his mum and some uncles.

    Kuro: I’m Ijaw, and Mum didn’t like that she’s Yoruba. 

    Dupe: Even before we decided to get married, I noticed she was cold towards me, but I never guessed it was a tribe thing. 

    Kuro: When I told her my intentions, she was adamant that I only marry a south-south or south-east person. She’d never mentioned her stance before, so I was shocked. My dad also wanted to back her up, but I stubbornly insisted on marrying Dupe. 

    How did they take it?

    Kuro: After months of back and forth, they relented. I’d never had that close-knit relationship with my parents, so nothing much changed between us.

    I proposed in January 2012, the day after New Year’s, we moved in together, went to court in March and did our traditional and church wedding in July 2012 — my runaway uncle somehow found money to sponsor half of the expenses. 

    Everything was great until we had our second son in 2016. It was a tough pregnancy, but let me not speak about what I didn’t experience physically.

    Dupe: It was hard. It took a toll on my body. I almost doubled in size during the course of the pregnancy and then had preeclampsia. By the final trimester, I felt like something was tied up in my brain that needed to be loosened. It was a nagging feeling like I’d run mad if someone didn’t loosen it. 

    They did a CS to get our son out, and I was in the hospital for some days. I got back home, and I was just depressed. I’d never felt such a strong emptiness; I wouldn’t wish it on my enemies. When I think back on that time, sometimes, I get anxious. 

    How did this lead to cheating?

    Kuro: Afterwards, it was like she couldn’t stand me or anything to do with me. She just became difficult to deal with.

    Dupe: I was just angry with him.

    I started leaning on a man I’d met through work just about a month after I found out I was pregnant. I felt like a different person and Kuro no longer found me attractive. I was secretly ashamed to be my new not-so-sexy self with him. But this guy was older and not-so-sexy himself. He gave me the validation I needed at that time.

    How did you get past that in your relationship?

    Kuro: She told me she’d slept with this man, and even though I was angry, I understood. I had no choice but to forgive her because of how vulnerable she was then and what she’d gone through to bring my child into the world. However, I couldn’t really forget for a while.

    Dupe: Our marriage was strained for about a year after. But it wasn’t just about the cheating. Having children takes a lot out of the marriage bond, in my opinion. It becomes less about marriage and more about family. There’s simply not as much time to relate, for romance or even sex.

    Kuro: Between the children and the cheating, the sex has changed a lot between us. Sometimes, it feels like there’s one elephant in the room. 

    But like my case from before we got married, I knew it was much better that way than if we kept secrets and tried to deceive each other. I’m glad she immediately came clean to me, and she’s been just as transparent with her activities as she was when we first started dating.

    Dupe: One of the things we got used to doing early on was always telling each other what’s going on. If it meant the other person would go their separate way, so be it. We are always kind to each other no matter what because beyond being life partners and lovers, we are friends.

    If you didn’t fight over infidelity, what then have you fought over?

    Dupe: We didn’t fight much until we had those two boys.

    Kuro: Our sons?

    Dupe: Our parenting styles are very different. 

    I believe in discipline, and I work in investment banking, so I don’t have the luxury of time to pamper anyone. Meanwhile, Dr Kuro believes in interacting with them like he’s their friend. Sometimes, I just want to scream at them so they know not to do certain things, but he’ll say, “Don’t shout at my sons.”

    Kuro: They are not goats. How do you want them to grow up cultured if you keep screaming at them?

    Dupe: Sorry o. Oyibo.

    How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Dupe: 6. Our love is safe and has withstood a lot, so I have high hopes for it.

    Kuro: 6 too.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    RECOMMENDED: Love Life: We Don’t Want Marriage or Kids

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Love Life: We Don’t Want Marriage or Kids
    Love Life: We Don’t Want Marriage or Kids

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Kola: The very first WhatsApp video call we had in July 2020 after a friend of a friend linked us up.

    Peju: I told my friends I wanted to end my year-long celibacy run. I hadn’t been in a proper relationship in over a year, konji was being an epic bastard and the lockdown only made it worse for me. 

    As soon as it was over, I begged one of my most outgoing friends in our group, until she gave me three guys’ numbers. At first, I was uncomfortable about calling them, but I told myself I wouldn’t have wanted her to give my number to a bunch of random guys.

    Kola: But they still got your number when you reached out to them sha.

    Peju: I only called one of them and we texted for about a week when I reached out to you. We had the video call the next day because he was desperate to see my face.

    Kola: I wanted to be sure the DP was real.

    How did the call go?

    Peju: It was the world’s longest video call. We were on it for about five hours, but remember that this was post-lockdown when we all seemed to have too much time on our hands. We didn’t exactly talk throughout. We just kept the call going while doing other things, with occasional comments and grunts.

    Kola: It was a very comfortable call, and neither of us could end it until MTN eventually ended it for us. But it helped set the tone for us.

    Peju: We had similarly languid video calls every other day until we met in person in September. We’d long since agreed to go get drinks as soon as we were both comfortable enough to be outside. And also when the sensible Abuja spots had opened up.

    Kola: We met for drinks and the vibe matched up in person. That was the start of our highly convenient situationship.

    Why a situationship?

    Kola: I’d just gotten out of a long relationship and wasn’t looking to get into another one so soon.

    Peju: I was still getting used to the idea that the pandemic wasn’t going to lead to the apocalypse. So you can say I was in the “We’re all going to die tomorrow” mood. I just wanted good sex to guide me into the afterlife well. My priority was, “Will this man bring me the end-of-the-world-level smash I needed?” When we met, I was pretty confident he would just because of how much I wanted to hug him and never leave his arms.

    Kola: I was a lot less morbid about the whole thing, but it was exciting to meet an attractive woman who was pretty much ready to have sex right away. No hang-ups.

    So did you guys do the deed right away?

    Peju: Yes. He invited me over to his house the next day, and I ended up staying there for two days.

    Kola: We did other things. 

    We played FIFA, she went off for a while with a friend of hers, and I worked from home for a bit. We didn’t just have sex for the whole two days o.

    Peju: Of course. No one was thinking that, love.

    The sex was alright, so we just continued having it from then on.

    You’ve now been together for three years, so can I assume you started liking each other at some point?

    Kola: I think we always liked each other. You can like each other and still be in a situationship. 

    We just weren’t ready to commit and didn’t try to force ourselves to. It was convenient the way it was, and we were both happy without trying to add responsibilities to it. I was still a bit heartbroken from my ex and also navigating risky waters at work at a time when layoffs and salary cuts were rampant.

    Peju: I was going through personal struggles — family drama, unemployment, disillusionment — and was honestly in no headspace to cater to a proper relationship. I even started talking to someone else around Christmas time that year, and almost entered a relationship that would most likely have been toxic. Thankfully, that didn’t happen.

    Kola: But she slept with him sha.

    Peju: FU. We weren’t committed to each other then. 

    Anyways, he caught feelings first and asked me one day if I didn’t feel like we should be more. I was surprised because I believed the old African mother’s take that once a guy can sleep with you casually, he’d never be interested in a relationship. So I asked him what made him bring it up.

    Kola: I think it was March 2021. We’d been friends with benefits for several months, and I wasn’t over it yet. I still always wanted to spend time with her. One day, I just grew curious about what she thought of what we were doing, that’s all. I wanted to know where her mind was at.

    How did that conversation go?

    Peju: We decided to give dating a try. I still didn’t have a job, and my home issues were still there, but it was all less overwhelming to me after the fog that was the COVID period. I was ready to be alive again.

    Kola: I’d switched jobs and had better job security at the new place, so you can say I was feeling really good and confident. 

    That was until she suggested an open relationship sometime in May 2021.

    Peju: I was afraid. 

    At some point, I realised I really liked this guy and became scared of the ensuing commitment. I was already anticipating breakfast and wanted to cushion the blow early enough. If we were committed but not exclusive, he’d either break up with me before I fell too hard for him, or I wouldn’t feel so bad anyway because I’d already have someone else.

    Kola: She didn’t explain this logic to me at the time, but it would’ve still been the craziest thing I’d ever heard. I told her right away that I didn’t want one, and she just smiled. That’s when I knew it was some kind of test. 

    But we didn’t really become a traditional boyfriend and girlfriend until early 2022.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    What’s your version of “traditional boyfriend and girlfriend”?

    Kola: Communicating multiple times a day? Always being in each other’s faces physically and virtually? Running the most mundane plans by each other? We do these things now. But in 2020 or 2021? Big fat NOPE.

    Peju: Yeah. Even after we had the whole conversation about taking our thing seriously, we’d just have a few calls to check in on each other every other week. It went from calling or texting only when we wanted sugar to small emotional talks here and there. 

    One time, he dropped by my house — my parents’ house actually — and brought me this wide tub of goat meat pepper soup. That was probably the most touching thing that happened between us. It was more like we went heavy on the “friends” part of the benefits than we were dating.

    Kola: But that was our process to get to where we are now, and we took it. 

    Peju: I enjoyed that growing period a lot. Just as I’m enjoying what we have now.

    Would you say you guys are in love now?

    Peju: I would. Yes.

    Kola: Our version of it anyway. 

    We care about each other a lot, and I think of her as my best friend right now, definitely the best sex I’ve ever had. But we’ve made this decision to never marry or have kids.

    Peju: Oh yeah. I’ve always known I don’t want to get married ever, and he doesn’t want children, so we made a pact.

    Wait. Please, explain the root of these decisions

    Peju: I lived with my parents all my life until I moved in with him last year, but believe me when I say it was the most toxic situation ever. So toxic that it took Kola’s strength to help extricate myself from it. I’d probably have never had the mental power to get myself out of there. My elder sister is still there today.

    I lied to my parents that my new job gave me an apartment in Lagos. They still don’t know I’m in Abuja with them. I’m mentally preparing for the day my mother or relatives in Lagos decide to visit me. I’ll either lie that I’ve gone on a business trip or make a quick trip there and beg one of my close friends to use her flat.

    Kola: Or just tell her the truth at that point.

    Peju: What my parents have going on is a very abusive thing, and I absolutely never want myself to be so tied to someone — because of a marriage certificate and joint assets and children — that getting out when things get beyond toxic becomes impossible. I can’t let that happen to me after all I’ve experienced, trust me.

    Kola: Mine is a lot more mundane. I just don’t want children. 

    I’m confident I won’t be a good father, and this world is too messed up to bring new beings into. I don’t want to be responsible for the experiences of a dependent. The idea that your child could go through trauma, and it’d somehow be because of something you didn’t even know you did, is too much of a burden for me to shoulder.

    Peju: I’m completely aligned on that, TBH. 

    Add that to the actual pregnancy, labour and birth experience, and then, caring for children during that infant-toddler-child and even teenage period? It’s too much. If we were all being honest as a society, we’d confess that it’s all just too much. The pain and suffering in this life is too much jo.

    What if you change your mind in your 40s, but then, it’s too late?

    Peju: My mother had my only sister and me in her 40s. Rare, but it happened to my mother twice. And come to think of it, maybe there’s a reason she didn’t have us earlier. Maybe she wasn’t supposed to bring us into such a toxic environment, but she forced it. No, I don’t think I’ll change my mind.

    Worst case scenario, me and Kola will freeze our eggs/sperm when we get to our 30s. Thank God we’re laser-focused on our careers now, so we may be able to afford IVF. If not, it’s the thought that counts, abi?

    Kola: Of course, I’ll always have sperm, so I’m not that pressed to change my mind.

    Peju: You just told the universe to give you high blood pressure or prostate cancer.

    Kola: God forbid. You’re actually a mad person. But that’s lowkey why I love you.

    Peju: Yeah. Anyway, we had this conversation over time as we opened up to each other about our fears. He already knew how much my family life affected me, if not from day one, then from the day he talked me into moving in with him last year. But it took a while for me to find out about his aversion to kids. We were making futuristic plans in January 2023 when he finally admitted he didn’t want them, and I was like, “You know what? I get it.” We made a pact there and then.

    Do you remember what your first major fight was about?

    Kola: First? Which one was the first now?

    Peju: The toilet bag one.

    Kola: Oh shit. That one was annoying. God. Small tone in my voice caused wahala.

    Peju: It was one of my first few sleepovers at his place during COVID year. I don’t know how my black toilet bag found its way to his kitchen. All I remember is that it was dirty, so I unpacked it one evening with the intention of giving it a little scrub and letting it dry before putting my stuff back in. 

    But that never happened because, sex.

    Kola: Anyway, later that night, I saw it on the kitchen counter when things were still a little foggy. I picked it up and said, “What is this?” in what Peju called a disrespectful tone and threw it in the bin.

    Peju: Not just any bin o. The kitchen garbage can that had trash food and everything. I was so upset.

    Kola: She screamed at me and insulted my life. I ended up throwing her out of my flat. Not one of my finest moments. We were still a “situation” then, so it didn’t really affect us. We just called each other the next time we needed sex — about two weeks later — and continued on.

    Ahhh. And you forgot that was your first fight?

    Kola: Oh, we’ve fought — a lot.

    Peju: Yes na. Not every time love and light. Sometimes, you need drama and chaos for that healthy balance. It’s the struggle to be “cool” in relationships that used to cause see-finish o.

    Agreed. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Kola: 10

    Peju: I was looking at you well to see if you’ll call any lower number. Hmm.

    Kola: I’m tired of this person.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    RECOMMENDED: Love Life: I Married Him at 20 to Avoid Sin

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    How did you meet?

    Comfort: In university. He was this tall guy a year ahead of me who owned a food business everyone knew about. Every student was jealous of him and other business owners like him who were very clearly making money and getting it right in life while the rest of us were confused.

    Obinna: I thought I was making money too until I graduated from that school. Tears.

    Comfort: Don’t mind him. He’s being humble. 

    Anyway, I knew him right from 100 level in 2016 because his small chops and barbeque business was already going well by then. He used to sell them to students, with his elder brother and a non-student they hired. I, like everyone in school, patronised him almost every day. 

    By the next year, we’d started exchanging pleasantries, and he was always willing to add one extra BBQ chicken to my small chops pack. See me smiling like an idiot anytime he did that. But it was all random. I don’t think either of us was thinking romantic then.

    Obinna: I had a girlfriend at the time, but I considered becoming friends with Comfort very early on. I just didn’t act on it.

    Comfort: At that point in my life, I believed thinking about boyfriend was unserious. I was 15 then 16. My focus was first class.

    So when did you realise you liked each other?

    Obinna: It wasn’t until final year in 2019. My business was still going strong, but my brother had graduated so it was all on me, and it was challenging to run alone. It was my first real taste of how tough it was to be an entrepreneur, dealing with vendors, keeping my server in check and all that. Things were crazy in terms of inflation that year (little did we know what 2023 would bring sha). 

    Long story short, my girlfriend since 200 level broke up with me — something about me being too scattered. The very next evening, Comfort came to patronise me. I just remember seeing her and immediately getting in a good mood.

    Comfort: The way he said “Hi” actually took me aback. He had this bright smile on his face, so I asked why he was so happy. He said, “Because God is good all the time.” I just started laughing. He served me and my friends personally, but he was also very upbeat and friendly when he greeted them, so I didn’t really think he liked me. When I got to my room though, I was still smiling and thinking about him. His brightness made my day.

    Obinna: I wanted to ask her out so bad, but I didn’t know how to go about it, so I just waited for a natural opportunity.

    Comfort: I kept thinking of a way to have a proper conversation with him, but I told myself it wasn’t because I liked him but because I was curious about how he was making his business work. I’d tried at least two businesses by then, but they all crashed. It wasn’t like I was broke, but it was the in thing then to want to be an entrepreneur. 

    Anyway, God made a way for us to connect. He planted it in my heart to invite him to our campus fellowship. When I invited him, he agreed without argument, and I saw that as a good sign. The last thing I’d do is try to force people to attend my fellowship when it’s clear they don’t want to.

    What happened at the fellowship?

    Obinna: I’ve always had a strong spiritual life, but in university, I stopped attending anything that wasn’t Sunday service. I saw her invitation as God reminding me I was drawing back a bit. Also, I was at a low point in my life mentally, so I didn’t mind anything that would enrich my soul. 

    Also also, I’d been waiting for a chance to get closer to her. This was obviously the golden opportunity. Attending fellowship together any chance we got drew us closer than ever.

    Comfort: He integrated so easily and deeply into the fellowship that in just a matter of months, it didn’t even seem like he was new anymore. He got along well with our youth pastor and was very helpful with outreaches in particular, thanks to his food business. 

    For us, we got to spend more time than ever after classes. And I was excited that he was helping me spend more time in God’s presence, even though half the time, it was because I wanted to be in his presence too.

    Obinna: I got to know her and see her through God’s eyes, and that was the best thing. We talked about the ministry and made grand plans to focus on that and business after school.

    You graduated the next year, right? How did that work out?

    Obinna: Pretty well. I got funding from an angel investor, expanded to jollof rice and chicken/turkey and fully set my food business up on Instagram and Jumia. Our relationship also survived because I chose to be posted to our university’s state and served in the school.

    Comfort: Life pretty much went on as normal during my final year, if you ignore the project and convocation hustle part. He worked as an office assistant in his course department but was mostly free to run his business.

    Obinna: I also had more time to spend helping out in our campus fellowship and was made an assistant youth pastor two months in. I was tasked with leading the NYSC division in the school’s local government.

    And when did you both know you’d fallen in love?

    Comfort: I’d suspected so for a while, even when he was still in final year. But watching him and joining him to minister to his fellow corpers made me fall in love fully. I recognised his fire for Jesus and resonated with it. I still think he should be a pastor, but he insists God wants him in the background. 

    Also, my parents are both pastors, so I introduced him to them as soon as things got serious between us, and they immediately saw what I saw in him.

    Obinna: The day I knew I was in love with her was when I asked her out on a date when we’d just started getting to know each other. I texted her that would she like to come out to get something to eat, and she replied with such excitement. I think she texted, “Yayyyyyy. YES. When and where?” Something like that. And when I called her, she couldn’t contain her joy. 

    It’s so small, but I’d gotten used to having girlfriends hold back their emotions just so you don’t know how much they like you or not. Because we think when we show it, we’ve lost some game. I’m guilty of that too. But she? She didn’t care. She was overjoyed to be invited to hang out with me and wasn’t afraid to show it. I just knew I wanted to be with someone so brave and genuine.

    Comfort: Wow. I’ve actually never heard him tell that story like this.

    Obinna: That’s why I asked her to marry me when she was about to go for NYSC and they posted her to Niger. I knew she’d still redeploy, but I didn’t want to lose her in camp. I almost took it back when I remembered she was still 19.

    Wait, what? 

    Obinna: Don’t worry. I was 22. I was also too young.

    Comfort: But I didn’t think so at all. Our ancestors married much younger. I was absolutely sure when he asked me to marry him that I wanted to be his wife forever, and I didn’t see any reason why we should wait. I was sure, and I’m still sure.

    Obinna: In the end, we married because we didn’t want our passionate love to lead us to sin.

    Comfort: We didn’t want to ever be tempted into pre-marital physical relations of any sort. Because up until that moment, we’d done nothing more than kiss. I was a virgin, and while he wasn’t exactly, he’d chosen to be celibate for us.

    But how did it happen? Were you still 19? What did your parents say? I have so many questions

    Obinna: Her parents are pastors. They were the first to tell us that the spirit of God was eminent in our relationship. I’ll never forget her father telling me the Holy Spirit guided us to decide to do the right thing early. He told me that we should count ourselves lucky for getting things right so young, and I think he’s right. 

    It was my parents who were resistant.

    Comfort: I’d met his mum before then, but I didn’t know his parents the way he knew mine. Obinna visited my home freely and even started attending our church when we were home for holidays. But I felt too self-conscious to visit his home.

    Obinna: When she went to camp, and I told my father I’d proposed to my girlfriend, he laughed at me. He asked me whether it was because he was giving me money anyhow that I thought I could sponsor a family of my own. He didn’t care that my business was doing well when I hadn’t gotten a job four months after passing out of NYSC.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    How did you guys cross that bridge?

    Obinna: I didn’t do anything about it at first because I wasn’t in a hurry, but when she redeployed to Lagos, she made it clear to me that she was ready for us to marry right after she passed out at the end of the year. By that time, she’d be well into 20 years.

    Comfort: I was excited about getting married. 

    I’m the first of my mother’s five children, so I practically raised my younger ones and loved it. One of my major dreams — besides having my own business and preaching the gospel regularly — was always to raise my own family. I just never imagined it would happen sooner rather than later. 

    My parents are my safety net if we ever struggle financially, which I knew we won’t because my husband is led by God.

    Obinna: I had to ask my elder brothers to accompany me to talk to my father again. They mocked me but agreed to go with and even talk for me. My father respects my eldest brother a lot, so he accepted to bless my decision. It helped that my mother loved Comfort from the start. She was reluctant to the idea of us marrying early, but she didn’t hate it.

    Were either of you scared you were making the wrong decision?

    Obinna: Yes, of course.

    Comfort: Nope.

    Obinna: I was scared because my father put the fear of God in my heart about how hard it was to take care of a family. I kept imagining myself broke and unable to pay school fees.

    Comfort: God forbid. That can never be us.

    Obinna: Well, her faith and my love for her helped a lot. The last thing I wanted to do was develop cold feet and abandon her at the altar.

    Comfort: God would’ve never let that happen though. I’m His favourite.

    I agree. So how did the wedding go?

    Comfort: We planned it while I was serving, and it was both exciting and frustrating. My zonal inspector made my life hell, but I thank God I don’t look like what I’ve been through. 

    We went to Ikoyi Registry the week after my passing out parade in October 2021, and our parents were there as witnesses with one of my younger sisters. The church wedding was a month after that. I cried during that one and ruined my makeup. 

    Before he lies, you should know Obinna also cried.

    Obinna: I did. No one tells you how intense the church ceremony gets. I also think we were both tired from all the activity that led up to the day. It was a big ceremony. She even invited NYSC officials to the reception.

    Comfort: We’d saved up from my alawee and his business to spend a weekend at a nice hotel resort on the mainland. So we were able to rest it all out and just be alone together — our version of a honeymoon. 

    That was actually when we discussed some important things like how many children we wanted. Don’t worry we’d talked genotype, living arrangements and a financial plan while I was serving.

    That’s right. How could you afford your own place in this economy?

    Comfort: Oh, we had help, I must confess. My parents paid for two years’ rent on a two-bedroom. The original plan was to live in his parents’ house for some time, but my dad was vehemently against it.

    Obinna: That expires in about two months, so we’ll soon be on our own. Luckily, we took our rent savings seriously last year because 2023 has been rough for business so far. We’ve only just stabilised operations.

    Comfort: And our family church has been helpful — funding here, patronage there. That’s one good thing about being faithful with our tithes and offerings.

    Do you remember what your first major fight was about?

    Comfort: By God’s grace, we haven’t had a major fight yet, but we do argue from time to time. 

    Obinna: The recurring one I can think of is when feminism comes up and she denies she’s a feminist. She hates the label just because of the bad rep it gets, but she’s always the first to speak up when she or any woman around her is treated badly in a way that’s obvious it’s because of her gender. She does everything a feminist would do, but the moment I call her a feminist, she gets upset.

    Comfort: You said it already. I don’t like the label. I’m a humanist.

    Obinna: That sounds exactly like “All lives matter”.

    Comfort: I don’t know about that one o. 

    I won’t say men and women are equal; we’re not the same. I also don’t need to get aggressive or behave like a man to prove I should be treated with respect. There’s feminine energy, and it’s much different than masculine energy. Let’s stop trying to compare or covet someone else’s place.

    Ah, sorry. What’s the most unconventional thing about your relationship?

    Obinna: Hmm. We wouldn’t really know. No one knows for certain what goes on in other people’s relationships.

    Comfort: What even makes up a conventional relationship? Isn’t everyone, and so, every relationship different? 

    The things about us that take a special place in my heart though, is how much praying harmony we have. We always move in the same frequency, we spur each other on during daily devotion and trust me when I say that’s a blessing. 

    Also, how we let each other be young. My only fear coming into this marriage was I’d get too old or mature too fast. I’ve always been seen as too mature and even boring for my age, as a firstborn. So I thought one day when I’m like 25, someone would see so much marriage weight on my head and shoulders and think I’m 35. 

    But we allow ourselves to think, dress and behave young.

    Obinna: We even made a decision to not start having children till either me or her turn 30, depending on which feels most natural to us when we get there. We are religious about birth control, but if it happens by an act of God before then, we won’t put a stop to it, of course.

    Comfort: We hope God would be merciful enough to honour our wishes though because we’d have to grow up fast once children enter the picture.

    True. But don’t you get the usual pressure to be “fruitful” now that you’re married?

    Comfort: We do, but the only good thing about the current situation in the country is that people can hardly put that kind of pressure on you with their full mouth. People don’t even visit or call these days because are you seeing the price of fuel?

    Obinna: Everyone has sort of quietly agreed that this isn’t the type of economic situation to bring a baby into. The last thing my mother said on the subject, earlier in the year was, “Obim, just take your time. Nothing is chasing you.”

    Comfort: My parents only had to be told we’re doing family planning, and nothing was wrong in the fertility department, to drop the subject — at least, for another two or so years.

    Got it. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Obinna: I want to say 10, but I don’t want to be too proud.

    Comfort: Yes o. Perfection is for Jesus, so let’s just humbly say 9.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    RECOMMENDED: Love Life: We’re Married but Visiting

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Love Life: We’re Married but Visiting

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Rasheed: It was at a party rally in 2011. By party, I mean political party. I’d been an active member for about five years at the time, but she’d just become a card-holding member. It was one of the first activities she attended, ahead of the general elections.

    She came and sat on the bleachers with her aunt, who was the PA to a popular state first lady. She was one of the few young ladies present, so I noticed her quickly.

    Toyin: I noticed him because he moved around a lot during the proceedings, and I was curious about who he was in the scheme of things. He dressed well, in a neat native kaftan, and looked generally clean and put together. I asked my aunt who he was, but she only had vague answers. He was a political aide or party agent or something or the other. 

    We didn’t notice each other noticing each other. It was a stadium, and rallies are chaotic. The only reason why we even crossed each other’s eyes was because we were in the same section of the stadium. We supported the same aspirants.

    Rasheed: It wasn’t until she became a more active part of a federal reps’ campaign as one of his speech writers that we met in earnest. 

    During campaigns, the team would stay up many nights in the aspirants’ living rooms, strategising but mostly gisting. The young people usually formed a coalition against the older folks, who were usually the majority. We had many such nights of casual debates. 

    She didn’t spend as much time with us on those nights because her parents weren’t supportive of political work. She also worked full-time at a law firm, and I could tell it was hard for her to balance both responsibilities.

    When did you realise you liked each other?

    Rasheed: When I found out we attended the same university. Although I’d graduated before she even entered, it gave us some nostalgic stories to share that only we could relate to. Her smartness was also evident. She’s a beauty with brains, so I had no choice but to like her. Many of us liked her that year. It was an inside joke that even the honourable was toasting her.

    Toyin: They couldn’t approach me because of my aunty and her boss. Alhamdulillah because I didn’t want those political boys disturbing my life. They’re notorious for carrying girls up and down. I wasn’t sure if Rasheed was like that, but at least, we could have decent conversations.

    One day, after the elections were over and our candidate unfortunately lost, he sent a consolation package to my office. It had a handwritten note, a bottle of fruit wine and some assorted fruits — it was during Ramadan. Seeing the package and finding out it was from him was the first moment the possibility of liking him more than a friend came to me. I just sat there smiling and ignoring my colleagues’ many questions. I didn’t expect it at all.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    When did you both know you’d fallen in love?

    Rasheed: After I sent the gift, she didn’t call to thank me, so I felt, “This girl doesn’t have manners.” I waited for some days, and when she still didn’t call, I had to bite the bullet. When we spoke over the phone, she immediately apologised, claiming she’d been overwhelmed because her boss had a serious litigation case and was making all the associates’ lives hell. 

    I was still annoyed, but when I heard she was spending late nights at the office, I decided to go visit her at 6 p.m. one evening. I went with some snacks and drinks, of course. That was when we first spoke — well joked — about running for office ourselves, and leaving the rat race behind.

    Toyin: It helped that we’d left the political campaign arena for a bit. That space could get a bit like secondary school, where you’re clustered in the same environment for too long. 

    He had an unofficial job in the government because that rep aspirant was appointed as a commissioner by the state governor. Rasheed helped him run contracts out of office, so he was a lot more flexible than I was at the law firm. He talked me into leaving the office earlier than I might have — even though it was getting to 8 p.m. No one else would’ve ever convinced me to leave those folders and literally risk my job — one of the partners was still on seat — to sneak home. 

    Our relationship kicked off from there.

    Rasheed: Don’t worry, she left that job soon after, when I got sponsorship to run for the state house of rep later in 2011. I didn’t win, but she was a huge help, travelling with me and offering great advice. We both got our first big political gigs after that long campaign travail.

    What was your first major fight about?

    Rasheed: When I had to go to my hometown to take up a government appointment. She’d just started at a multinational NGO, so she couldn’t leave and come with me. This was in 2013. We were discussing getting married when the job and then my appointment came in quick succession. It was like God was challenging our relationship.

    Toyin: It all but paused when neither of us agreed to stay with the other. I was upset for a while. I remember when he was leaving, a lot of people around me knew about it and asked why I didn’t want to see him off. It was partly because I was angry, but also because I knew I’d miss him. I didn’t want to watch him leave. He had a better chance of winning elections in his own hometown, so I didn’t expect him back. It really felt like the end of us.

    Rasheed: For some weeks, we didn’t speak. And I think it’s only because we didn’t make a conscious decision to and we were overwhelmed with settling into our respective jobs. But soon after, we were calling each other to check-in. I don’t even know who called first. Some months in, I invited her to come and spend a weekend. That’s how our relationship kicked back off.

    Toyin: We started making the trip to spend some days with each other every so often.

    RELATED: Love Life: I Relocated Back to Nigeria for Her

    How long did it take for the topic of marriage to come up again?

    Toyin: It took some time because we were so focused on our careers. We had so much ambition that we couldn’t just settle down to all the logistics a wedding entails, given the families we come from. But we’d started getting external pressure at that point when he moved to his hometown. My mother and aunties urged me not to “let this man see you finish before doing the right thing”.

    Rasheed: I was getting political pressure as well. Elections are easier to win when you’re married and have your own family.

    Toyin: I wasn’t ready for all that at all. I knew the moment we wed, I’d have to pause my own political ambitions and be his “helper”. That’s the way Nigerian politics goes. “First ladies” are put in a box, and it’s only after your husband has done it all politically that you can even attempt to come out of his shadows if you’re lucky. I didn’t want that.

    Rasheed: I decided to respect her wishes, and that brought some ups and downs for us for the next four or so years. I loved her dearly, but there were a few times my eyes strayed, and I wasn’t so sure we’d ever marry.

    Why d’you think you lasted together then?

    Rasheed: No other woman ever gave me that pride I have when I’m with her. She’s an impressive person, the things she’s been able to achieve in her own right. I wanted her and was willing to do anything to have her as my official wife.

    Toyin: I think it’s just the fact that he waited for me. I wanted to get my master’s and reach a certain level in my governmental career. He waited through all that, and it took five years, I think. He wasn’t just patient; he was immensely supportive. I know he had other women a few times, but to me, he was faithful in the ways that mattered. It’s clear from how he proposed. 

    He just sat me down one day in May 2018, when we were finally living in the same city for the first time in about a year. He said, “Listen. We better do this once and for all. Before I just announce to the world that we’re already married without you and your family’s consent.”

    The man was tired

    Rasheed: I was. I also wanted to be sure we were still on the same page. Maybe she had someone else she was waiting for while stringing me along on the side.

    Toyin: You’re not serious.

    Rasheed: We finally got married in January 2019. The next month, I won my first election, and I truly believe she was my good luck charm.

    [ad]

    God, when? What’s the most unconventional thing about your relationship?

    Rasheed: We live in different cities again, because of our jobs. I’m in Abuja now, in a political office. She’s a commissioner in our state. We’re married but visiting. She has her house, and I have mine. It’s brought a lot of excitement into our marriage, truth be told. You know the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”? That’s so true for us.

    Toyin: Our jobs give our marriage breathing space by force so that when we see each other maybe every other week, we’re so excited. We’re always in a good mood when we’re together in one home. He’s gotten used to cooking for himself or having our cook make his meals. It also makes conversations about me needing to travel for work easier.

    Rasheed: Don’t get us wrong. It’s not a long-distance marriage. It’s just that where the average married couple sleep in the same bed every single night, ours is maybe ten nights a month. And it works perfectly. It’s like we’re still only dating.

    What about your children, if you have any?

    Rasheed: We have a son, yes. And we don’t carry him back and forth if that’s what you’re asking. His stability is paramount to us. He stays with me, and my mother and sister take care of him fully. I didn’t marry a housewife, so no one expects her to be doing homemaking. However, she manages both houses and all our staff answer to her.

    Toyin: Our son is still a toddler, so we try to shield him from the chaos of Nigerian politics the best we can. While I wish we could be more present for him, he has the best care from his grandmother, and she has the luxury of time to give him that I don’t have right now. I’m glad I can create a legacy for him to inherit instead.

    What’s the best thing about being married to each other?

    Rasheed: Our shared ambition. I’ve had girlfriends in the past who simply didn’t care about doing anything to change the world or help society. With Toyin, I can talk about my ideals without feeling foolish. It’s been that way from day one. We’re still going to rule the world together; that’s the goal. She’s the reason I can confidently have that kind of goal.

    Toyin: We’re a power couple, and I love it. There are very few power couples in Nigerian politics.

    How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Rasheed: 7 or 8. But no marriage is perfect.

    Toyin: Very true. I’d say the same.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    RECOMMENDED: Love Life Special: Chike’s Favourite “Ego Oyibo” Love Stories

  • TRIGGER WARNING: This opinion piece covers sexual violence and social injustice

    A Timeline of Silence: Why Does Sexual Violence Have Little Consequence?

    Sexual violence against women is rampant. UNICEF says 1 in 4 Nigerian girls are victims before they even turn 18, and the back-to-back #StopRapingUs and #Justicefor- campaigns of 2020 uncovered just how much rape happens with impunity in our society.

    It’s 2023, and UNICAL has re-called a professor to its faculty of law and re-elected him as Dean, despite unresolved allegations, including sexually assaulting a 20-year-old year student in his office on August 29, 2015. The school management suspended Cyril Osim Ndifon in 2015, only to warmly welcome him back to office in 2017, even though he was never exonerated by a court of law.

    Six years later, he has returned to his original position of power.

    RELATED: Cyril Ndifon: The UNICAL Professor Facing Allegations of Sexual Misconduct

    This event pushed us to look into sexual violence allegations of the last two decades, to answer the question of how Nigeria responds to them. As we interrogate where various accused individuals are today, we discover a pattern that may enable such crimes, often letting them go scot-free without the thorough investigation, resolution or consequences they may deserve, and even punishing the accusers.

    2000s to ’10s

    Only a fraction of sex-related crimes make national news or trending lists on socials, and even less lead to convictions or legal acquittal. But when Godwin Okpara, a former professional footballer who was part of the Super Eagles team for the 1998 FIFA World Cup, was charged with raping his 13-year-old adopted daughter in 2005, he and his wife received a 13 and 15-year sentence respectively. 

    He received this sentence in France, as this is often not the case for similar offenders within Nigeria. Since his early release in 2012, he has re-entered Nigerian society, making football commentary in notable media and even criticising younger footballers, his status as a sex offender forgotten or seen as a minor setback rather than the fatal flaw it should be. Some reports of the story even misrepresent his adopted daughter as his maid. 

    He ended up arrested again in Ikeja in 2017, for physically assaulting his wife. The charges were dropped for lack of evidence despite the videos and photos taken by relatives who witnessed the crime. It’s giving us PTSD from the 2023 general elections, but that’s a story for another day. Meanwhile, Tina Okpara — the adopted daughter — will never forget her trauma at the hands of those who were supposed to take care of her.

    Fast forward 12 years, to the set of Big Brother Naija: See Gobbe, and remember how Big Brother kicked Kemen off the show for groping TBoss while she was asleep. While we applaud the BBN organisers for the swift action, it remains curious that law enforcement never took up the case. Surely what Kemen did, and on live television too, is a crime, right? Apparently not, as the general public — including notable figures — went ahead to make jokes about it. Now, he’s everyone’s favourite celebrity trainer.

    Before the concept of sex-for-grades made its Nigerian silver screen debut with Kiki Mordi’s award-winning documentary in 2019, the Nigerian police arrested, OAU professor and Anglican clergyman, Richard Akindele, for soliciting his student, Monica Osagie, in 2018. In 2020, he received three concurrent two-year jail sentences for four counts of sex-related crimes and walked free in 2022. We know OAU sacked him too, but not much else.

    Emmanuel Adooh, a Covenant University student, accused the registrar and alumni association president, Dr Olumuyiwa Oludayo, of having affairs with female students. He was decrying his own expulsion from the faith-based school for having sex with his fellow students when he decided to expose them for being hypocrites. Female students came out on Twitter to support his claims with incriminating voice notes and text screenshots. Covenant University sacked Dr. Oludayo, and today, he is an HR consultant who hosts his own morning motivational show. 

    Later in 2021, an anonymous account popped up on Instagram. It uncovered members of Covenant University’s faculty who sexually harass students to varying degrees, using screenshots of texts as proof. While it’s not clear if they investigated these claims, the school released a statement saying they’d sacked all involved staff. One particular 41-year-old lecturer allegedly raped a 17-year-old student. Names weren’t provided, so it’s not clear if any of these people ever faced jail time.

    On Twitter in 2019, two women accused furniture businessman, Michael Asiwaju AKA Mike Cash, of raping one of them. In 2015, he allegedly raped a Unilorin student but bribed his way out.

    Source: Guardian Life

    More allegations came out, painting the picture of a serial rapist. Michael’s response? He released nude photos and sex videos of his victims to prove they’d given him consent. The police remained inactive until he allegedly took his own life in a hotel room later in 2019.

    The church, not to be outdone, has its own cases of sex allegations and scandals. In 2019, Busola Dakolo revealed that the popular pastor, Biodun Fatoyinbo of COZA church, had raped her when she was 16. This came out after he denied he’d had an extramarital affair with Ese Walter in 2013. Of course, he denied the rape too. Busola received backlash despite the deluge of rape allegations from other women that followed. 

    She later took him to court to force an investigation from the authorities. But the court dismissed the case. The judge described it as “a frivolous suit”, “empty and purely sentimental” and ordered her to pay ₦1 million. 

    We still don’t know if Pastor Fatoyinbo is guilty or not, as the court didn’t even make an inquisition. However, his moral ambiguity hasn’t hindered him from being a spiritual leader to thousands, or the media from writing glowing reports about him.

    Bisola Johnson accused an even more famous religious leader, Prophet TB Joshua, of holding her captive for 14 years. According to her, he regularly molested and raped her and other church members. Before the late prophet passed in 2021, he denied the allegations and discredited Bisola as unstable. 

    His church — the Synagogue Church Of All Nations (SCOAN) — released a video on their now-suspended YouTube channel. In it, Bisola begs for forgiveness for lying against him. According to church members, she always accuses the prophet and then denies it. Bisola spoke out again to say the prophet hypnotised her to make the video. She asserted that she wasn’t unstable and emphasised her stance against him. However, there is no evidence that the authorities ever investigated the case.

    [ad]

    The 2020s

    As mentioned earlier, 2020 brought forth an onslaught of sex-related allegations. Was it D’banj whose accuser, Seyitan Babatayo, was kept in police custody for two days and threatened with a ₦1.5 billion suit until the case disappeared? He still sat as a judge of the hit singing show, Nigerian Idol, in 2022 and 2023. Or Brymo and Bollylomo, whose numerous accusations were swept under the rug in the classic Nigerian style of casual dismissal? 

    Let’s talk about the Twitter influencer, Comfort “Sansa” Oroboghene, accusing her fellow influencer ex-boyfriend, Tife Fabunmi, of being an abuser, blackmailer and rapist (and releasing her nudes). Tife released a public apology:

    Source: Twitter

    …then turned around to withdraw his apology in 2021, denying the accusations and threatening to take legal action against Sansa, in a since-deleted tweet. His Twitter account has also been deactivated as of the time of publishing.

    The pandemic lockdown was both a health precaution and sex exposé catalyst. But none of the above accused have been investigated. Instead, the accusers were bullied and re-victimised into silence.

    The many survivors of Nollywood actor, Olanrewaju Omiyinka, AKA Baba Ijesha, finally got some justice when he was convicted for sexual assault crimes dating back to 2013. Comedian, Damilola Adekoya, AKA Princess, whose 14-year-old adopted daughter is one of his survivors, reported him to the police in 2021. The next year, Baba Ijesha was sentenced to five years in prison, and the Lagos State Government officially listed him as a sex offender.

    In 2022, Sahara Reporters published a news report about a father accusing an Assistant Superintendent of Police (ASP). According to him, Oke Vincent, repeatedly molested his 17-year-old daughter while in custody at a police station in Enugu for five days without charge. The ASP still extorted money from him to secure her release. 

    The ASP ignored the State Criminal Investigation Department (CID)’s invitation and hasn’t been charged for his crimes. It wouldn’t be far-fetched to assume he’s continued on as an officer of the law since there’s no evidence to confirm or deny this.

    The same year, Olugbenga Agboola, CEO and co-founder of Flutterwave, was accused of sexual abuse. Enquiries into the case got lost among more “grievous” financial misconduct — money laundering, insider trading, perjury — and it isn’t clear how it was resolved, if at all. 

    Then, Risevest co-founder and CEO, Eke Urum, was accused of sexual impropriety, among other things. But he was found culpable of everything else but sexual impropriety. While he had to step down as CEO, he’s been given a place on the board of directors.

    We remember 2023 for starting on a rough note with the cash and fuel shortages of January and election palava of February. But before we knew drama was about to ensue, traditional news media focused on celebrity cancer oncologist Dr Femi Olaleye’s sexual abuse case. In September 2022, his wife took him to court for raping her 16-year-old niece for over a year, between 2020 and 2021. Kate Henshaw, a Nollywood veteran actress and one of his biggest former endorsers, has publicly reinforced the allegations against the doctor.

    Dr Olaleye with Kate Henshaw. Source: TVC News

    His response? A no-case submission, asking the court to dismiss the case. This is a man who routinely screens women’s most private areas for breast and cervical cancer. So the public should be relieved he’s been confined to Ikoyi Correctional Centre to await his trial, except he can make his ₦50 million bail.

    He maintains his wife is setting him up, and the last public report of the case dates back to April 2023.

    During Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month in April 2023, the topic of sexual crime and misconduct took over social media once more, but not for positive reasons. Details of Terdoo Bendega’s long history of sexual abuse were all over Twitter, and it seemed to be the perfect time for him to get his reckoning. 

    Between February and March, a female Twitter user shared evidence of how he’s filmed sex tapes without women’s consent, blackmailed and sold nudes since 2012 — over a decade ago. But between one survivor accusing the “whistleblower” of manipulation and the mystery surrounding Mr Terdoo’s current status, it’s not clear whether justice will ever be served. 

    On July 1, Twitter user @ozzyetomi tweeted about a woman who was stalked and harassed by her ex. Seven days later, said ex (TechNation ambassador, Funfere Koroye) attacked the woman in broad daylight, during a private but well-attended event at Rele Gallery, before concerned bystanders fended him off. 

    What followed was the online revelation that the woman had been in a physically abusive relationship with Funfere for two years, followed by two more years of stalking, harassment and threats. At least, three more people have since accused him of other forms of abuse, including rape. 

    The Lagos Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Agency (DSVA) responded to the claims, promising to work with the affected woman to provide support, protection and justice. But there’s been no evidence that Funfere has been invited for questioning by any law enforcement agency so far. 

    Instead, between July 8 and 10, 2023, a female relative was relentlessly bullied on Twitter for not speaking up against the accused.

    It’s great news that minors are likely to get justice for sexual violence committed against them. But it’s disheartening that adult women have faced backlash, high-profile defamation lawsuits and retaliatory police investigations instead of justice. 

    Public response is often: “You want to bring down a successful man”, forgetting that the “success” is what puts such men in the perfect position to abuse women without consequences. The big question is: why is there a notable difference in the way sex crime accusations are treated compared to murder, theft or financial crimes? 

    If you need any form of support related to sexual crimes, read this: How Can Victims of Abuse and Sexual Violence Get Help?

    RECOMMENDED: Everything We Know About Funfere’s History of Violence and Abuse

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    It started here:

    And now we’re here:

    Let’s begin.

    Fola* and Jane*, Married

    Jane: We met when I moved to Lagos in 2006. My family friend was showing me around town. He took me to his office at MTN and, there, introduced me to a lot of people, including Fola.

    Fola: We went out for drinks after that introduction — me, Jane and her friend. Then found out we knew each other as kids.

    Jane: We had grown up in the same neighbourhood in Port Harcourt, and we had a few mutual friends and similar childhood experiences.

    Fola: A friendship developed between us, but she was involved with someone else, and they were very engaged. I found out four months later when I let her know I was interested. Our friendship had really blossomed, and I was falling in love with her, but she chose to stay with her fiancé.

    Jane: Fortunately or unfortunately, I and my fiancé found out our genotype wasn’t compatible. We were both AS, so we couldn’t get married. At first, we wanted to gamble it, but family and friends seriously discouraged us. It was a difficult time for me, but Fola was there, always showing up as a good friend. 

    Fola: When they broke up a year later, I was still there. At some point, I told her I was still interested in her, but she was still not interested in me.

    Jane: He didn’t give up. He just kept trying and showing up, but he didn’t force me. Two months after he asked me out the second time, he said, “Hey, ma. I love you, and I really want to do this thing with you. I’d love for us to get married, to be a couple, to date, all that.” 

    Fola: This woman told me to write a letter. 

    Jane: And he did. I don’t think chivalry was dead at that time. He wrote me a love letter, and I still have it somewhere. 

    Long story short, we got married in 2008.

    Sharon, Single

    I’ve heard about “friendship love” for a long time, but I had to experience it myself to fully understand how deep it could get.

    Sometime in 2019, I was in a dark place. I was late on school fees payment, and it was close to graduation week. The school issued a letter stating anyone who didn’t complete their fees wouldn’t graduate with their set. That was very damning news to hear. Isn’t the whole point of going to school to graduate? And it wasn’t like I failed.

    I confided in my friends — not exactly so they could help me, I was just giving them my regular life update. Then one day, I randomly received a huge sum of money. I was shocked. Where did it come from? I opened the alert notification and saw that it was from a friend. I wish I could relive how that felt. I just sat there and stared at the alert for a long time. I was crying; my heart was full of gratitude and happiness.

    When I called, she was like, “It’s nothing much. I just wanted to see how far it could go. I want to join in your faith that you’ll pay your fees in time to graduate.” I asked how she did it, and she said she’d been saving for it. She also took out of her personal savings to create this fund for me.

    I thought, where did she even get my account number? She went out of her way to find my details and quietly sent me money. This was someone who’d just graduated from school, so she wasn’t exactly on her feet like that.

    At the end of the day, that’s love.

    Fatima, Married

    I dated my first boyfriend in university, and we were together even after we graduated. Then he went to do his master’s abroad, and I saved up to go see him once. He’d proposed before he left, and we wanted to do a formal introduction, but my mother insisted I wasn’t running away, and he should come back first.

    He eventually stayed abroad after his master’s and found love with somebody else. I felt like our eight years of relationship waka were wasted, and it really broke me. Then I met my current husband, and we didn’t even date for up to eight months. He assured me I was the one he wanted to marry.

    We’re happily married with two kids now.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    Peju, Single

    On Valentine’s Day 2023, my friends and I gathered at Bature to share gifts and reassure ourselves that we’d always be there to support and roast each other.

    One of us had just gotten out of a two-year situationship, another guy who was always forming hard guy had finally fallen in love with somebody we didn’t expect him to fall for, and another one had chopped serious breakfast though he was single. 

    We shared these stories among ourselves, and it was just a beautiful moment of pure friendship filled with love.

    Bobby, Single

    My older brother has shown me love in amazing ways and shaped me into the person I am today, in terms of how I treat people.

    In 2015, when he was still serving under NYSC, I told him I wanted a bike. I’ve always been more comfortable telling him stuff than my older sister or parents. He said he’d get back to me. Out of excitement and trust, I went and took my friend’s bike on credit. When he saw me using it, he asked where I got it from. I told him, and he was furious. He asked, “Have I paid? Why did you take the bike?”

    I was sad because I thought he’d return it the next day when he was scheduled to return to his post in Osun State. I cried throughout the night, but when he was ready to travel, he actually gave me the money for the bike. This meant a lot to me because he showed me that I can always rely on him.

    Olla and Diazno, Married

    Olla: We met in 2014 and immediately hated each other because we were arguing about something. A few weeks later, he texted me, saying, “Hey, I don’t think we got off on the right foot. Can we actually get to know each other now?” Then, we started talking.

    Diazno: I was supposed to be her guitar teacher. But we never actually got around to the lessons until after we started dating. We became friends towards the end of 2014, got closer early in 2015, talked for months and became official in October 2015.

    Olla: We were really young when we started dating. I was 18, and he was 20. But then, we got married five years later. 

    In our first year, we would argue about weird stuff — mostly playful arguments because we didn’t want bitter fights. But when we sat down and talked about it, he’d do the things we talked about, sometimes even quicker than me. It’s been three years, and he’s still the same person, trying to always be better.

    Diazno: All I can do is try.

    I’m also her producer. She makes beautiful music, and I play the guitar for her on stage.

    Olla: He’s always there to guide me. And in the darkest moments of my life, he’s been the most supportive person, doing his best to make my life better.

    In 2022, I had a terrible illness, and this man took several loans to take care of the bills. It was draining us both and really eating into our finances. I knew he was overwhelmed, but he kept saying, “Babe, just get better. That’s all I want. I can always make this money back, but I can’t trade you for anything in this world.”

    I know for sure he’ll do anything for me. He was shuffling between Germany and Nigeria until I moved to Germany to be with him in May 2021. I started school, and he got me this pretty Macbook. I felt it was too much. I honestly didn’t need a laptop that serious. Also, where did you get the money, oh boy?

    Diazno: You deserve the finest things in life, and I plan to work hard to make that possible. 

    Olla: The only sound in my head right now is “Ojigbi jigbi jigbi” because e pass butterflies.

    Diazno: I’m just looking forward to several more years together with us living our best, healthiest life.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    RECOMMENDED: Love Life: She Moved in a Week After We Met

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    How did you meet?

    Jola: We met at a friend’s off-campus birthday party in 2016. We were still undergrads, and I think our whole class attended it. The place was packed because her boyfriend had taken over the party, and I barely knew anyone. 

    At some point, I saw this guy sitting by himself, looking very chill and contemplative. I watched him for a bit and noticed one of my friends knew him. Later on, I asked him to introduce us. The chill guy turned out to be Alex.

    Alex: That’s pretty much it. We were introduced, and just like that, she came into my life. A week later, she moved into my flat.

    RELATED: We Love Each Other But Can’t Live Together

    Before or after you’d agreed to date?

    Alex: After. But we never really agreed; we just knew. We talked for a long time during the party, eventually left and took a stroll where we didn’t say much. Then we ended up at my place. The relationship started right away, to be honest.

    Jola: There was no asking out. There was just “I like you”, “I like you too”. Then months later, “I love you”, “I love you too”. That was really it for us. We knew we’d met the one.

    We graduated the following year, so it was great to have him as a present support system through graduation struggles, NYSC and the start of our careers. We’re both creatives, so we were able to develop our craft together, hustle for gigs together and so on.

    Alex: It was pretty convenient for us to fall in love.

    Since we’ve jumped to that, how exactly did you know you were in love?

    Alex: She moved in pretty early on, and it somehow felt natural. That must’ve been the first sign. 

    As soon as she came with her black box and big pink bag  — without my prior permission, by the way — I don’t think I’d ever been happier, and I’m usually territorial. 

    I’m always so happy to do things for her, to get her gifts or just small things she likes, and she always pops up in my mind when something interesting is happening.

    Jola: I knew I was in love with him after living with him for about a month and realising I wasn’t sick of him. He’s such a pleasure to live with. He’s not perfect — we do have our fights once in a while — but he’s so considerate, neat and clean. In fact, I’ve learnt to be cleaner from him. 

    I also always want to be with him, but I’ve never felt like he thinks I’m too needy or clingy.

    Alex: Yeah. We go everywhere together. We’re like each other’s hand bag. We don’t have everything in common, but we have such good conversations. We can talk for hours and hours.

    Jola: We were considering starting a podcast together, inspired by my popular namesake. But that was before literally everyone jumped on it.

    Right? But what led up to Jola moving in? What was it about that first week?

    Jola: It’s been over seven years. Not sure it was even that big of a deal. I’ll say I wanted to visit him all the time. 

    Alex: She was always at my place after that first night. Maybe because it was closer to campus and in a more convenient part of the school community than hers. 

    Jola: I’d go straight to his after classes or we’d go out together and end up back there after. Then I’d find it hard to make it back to my flat later. 

    Alex: Either it’d get too late or we just didn’t want to part ways. So most nights, she’d sleep over. 

    Jola: Then in the morning, I’d be worried about getting ready, if my clothes were rumpled, stuff like that. By the end of the first week, I was tired of that routine. I went home one afternoon, packed my important items and returned to his place. Over the next few days, I moved my remaining things and abandoned the rest. Even after graduation, I never went back to my parents’ house. 

    Wild. How did they take that?

    Jola: They pushed back for a bit. My mum felt I just wanted freedom to be wayward, but once they knew the pressure wasn’t working, they eased off. It helped that I didn’t need them for the rent because they’d never have released funds. I also stopped asking them for allowance.

    Alex: My parents, on the other hand, thought I should’ve been saving for important projects instead of spending on rent so early. But it’s not like we got an apartment in Lekki Phase 1. I told them to calm down.

    Jola: We both served in Kogi for NYSC and got cheap corper housing for the year. When we moved back to Lagos, we got a place close to the university community in Yaba. We paid for everything off our earnings as freelancers for another year.

    Alex: We really tried o. We’ve come far.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    True. How are you guys not married yet?

    Jola: We’re still saving for that o. Country hard. Haven’t you heard?

    Alex: And when we think “marriage”, we also think of children. We have high hopes for our future kids — what school they’ll attend, what activities we’d like for them to be involved in — so we need to get to a certain level in our careers first.

    Jola: That’s it.

    Alex: Besides that, we’re already married in our own eyes.

    Fair. But what was your first major fight about?

    Jola: So when we first got together in 2016, he used to study overnight a lot. He’d leave the bedroom light on through the night instead of just going to the living room. He didn’t like going there because he shared it with his two housemates. 

    Meanwhile, I’m a light sleeper and can’t sleep if it’s not pitch dark. I thought since he knew this, he’d stop, but no. One time, he did it for three days straight, and I wasn’t getting any sleep. 

    Alex: Yeah. I actually didn’t put two and two together.

    Jola: When I finally told him on the fourth day, he just dismissed it — his studies were more important than my rest. That night, two of his coursemates came to the room to read until around midnight. I had an exam at 8 a.m. the next day. I was so angry, and I told him as soon as they left.

    Alex: She ranted for a while and then started crying. I stood there shocked. I sincerely had no idea the light was affecting her sleep. I really felt bad, but me too, I didn’t immediately apologise. I just left the room for her that night. I actually cried in the sitting room because of how bad I felt, and I was also overwhelmed with final exam pressure and exhaustion.

    Jola: We gave each other attitude for the rest of the exam period, but as soon as it was done, we made up and it was as if the fight never happened. It was just exam hormones.

    What’s the best thing about being together so far?

    Jola: How well we understand each other and get along.

    Alex: Yeah. The whole foundation of our relationship is that we get along well. Everything happens naturally.

    Jola: We get along with the other important people in each other’s lives too. All our friends are now friends with each other, same with our siblings and parents. We even use each other as a vibe check. If you don’t get along with someone I’m about to be friends with, they usually get cut off and vice versa.

    Alex: We also have so many inside jokes now. How could I start that over with someone new?

    What’s the most unconventional thing about your relationship?

    Jola: How little sex we have? People expect that we must have a lot of sex because of how clingy we are to each other, but we only have sex every other day. 

    Alex: Are you joking? Tell me you’re joking.

    Jola: Maybe twice a week at most. 

    Anyway we made a decision a few years back to only fight or argue via text. Even if we’re in the same house.

    Alex: It doesn’t always work, but it’s the funniest thing when it happens. And depending on how serious the fight is, it diffuses the situation a bit. Have you ever texted while you’re angry? It’s the worst.

    How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Jola: A high 8 that’s leaning towards 9.

    Alex: 9

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    RECOMMENDED: I Was Gay Until I Met Her

  • Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.

    When did you realise you weren’t your parents’ favourite?

    I’ve always known. They never hid it.

    I was the ugly sister — the third child of three girls and one boy — and as far as I can remember, my father and mother always picked on me about it.

    What was the first memorable thing they did that made you know for sure?

    When I was around seven years old, my mum stopped me from going with my sisters to a birthday party because she didn’t want me to embarrass them. I ended up alone at home with the nanny, who followed my parents’ example by treating me badly too. She only ever fed me cold Indomie when I was alone with her. I cried the whole day. 

    Sometimes, I think back and realise even at that age, I knew I was considered ugly, and that was why my mum wouldn’t let me go to a party with my sisters.

    Why were you considered ugly?

    I’m very dark in complexion, and anyone who had my skin colour in the 80s was almost always looked down on. People also made fun of my big eyes, nose and lips. The funny thing is I took after my father, unlike my siblings who favoured my mum’s looks. She was fair with more fragile features. Meanwhile, my dad would still blatantly call me ugly.

    What do you mean by “blatantly”?

    Anytime he was angry I spoiled something or failed a test, he’d say something like, “Get away, you ugly somebody.” Or sometimes, he’d just want me out of his sight.

    One time, when I was in primary six, my dad’s boss came to visit with his wife. 

    My mum warned all four of us kids not to come out of our rooms except they told us to. An hour into their visit, they called my siblings to greet the guests, but they said I didn’t need to come. The second time they called them out, I waited for some minutes, and then I followed into the living room. I was curious to see how the “big man” looked. 

    My parents were so upset when they saw me, but they pretended in front of the guests. I couldn’t even introduce myself before I saw my mum give a look, and we all returned to our bedrooms.

    OMG. What happened after?

    My parents didn’t speak to me at all after they left, and I was both shocked and relieved because I expected a beating. That night passed and the next day came, and they still didn’t speak to me. That’s how almost a year passed without them saying a word to me. 

    How was that possible?

    You have to understand that I never had normal communication with them before that, so it wasn’t a huge jump. I was still in primary school, and there wasn’t much that had to be said between us. Instead, I was referred to as part of a collective when they spoke to my siblings.

    For some reason, I didn’t try to speak to them either. It didn’t even occur to me to beg for forgiveness until our firstborn brought it up. I just kept to myself and pretended not to exist. It was only after I went to apologise to them about that day that my mum hissed, and they started speaking to me again.

    Wow. I can imagine growing up in that situation was difficult

    It was the worst. 

    Every time I tried to talk about anything, my mum would tell me to shut up. I’d always get served food last just so I could get the bottom of the pot. And she’d conveniently forget to buy me new clothes except once in a blue moon. It was petty things like that, but also, she’d over-punish me when I made mistakes, compared to my siblings who’d get a small scolding. 

    I’ve heard her talk to her siblings over the phone and mention how she doesn’t know how she gave birth to someone like me. She often said it as a joke followed by loud laughter, but I don’t know if that made it better or worse.

    I don’t know what to say

    To make matters worse, I started comfort eating once I entered secondary school, so I became overweight in no time. At some point, my dad started calling me “nwaezi”, which means “baby pig” in Igbo. I thought it was an endearment until I found out the meaning one day.

    I’m so sorry. What were your siblings’ reactions to this treatment?

    We’re all close in age, so they were young too. 

    They tried to ignore it instead of interfering, but you could tell they were uncomfortable about it. They just weren’t uncomfortable enough to stand up for me against our parents. The only person who was particularly mean was our eldest when we were all in secondary school. She’d join my mother to laugh at me, but she stopped that once she entered university.

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    How did you manage to survive it all?

    I’m not sure. 

    It deeply affected me then, and it still affects me today. I failed out of secondary school because I never read or listened in class, and no one cared enough about me to make sure I did. After repeating about three times, I had to take post-secondary classes to enter a polytechnic, while my siblings all attended university. 

    That made me feel worse, coupled with the fact that I wasn’t interested in what I was studying or any career at all. I graduated with a pass and went back to my parents’ house. They descended on me, and this time, they had many reasons to. I was ugly, overweight, had no reasonable degree and couldn’t get a job. I lived off of them for almost five years and enveloped myself in their verbal abuse.

    Did you have any support system growing up?

    I was and still am quite antisocial. 

    At that time, I didn’t have friends or relatives I was close to. In school, I carried the weight of self-hate and low self-esteem around with me, so people hardly ever approached me. Even teachers ignored me. 

    I cross paths with people I attended secondary school or polytechnic with, either online or in life, and 95% of them have no memory of me. Some even recognise my sisters but swear they don’t remember me. As a child and young adult, I never really had anyone I could casually reach out to.

    It sounds like things improved at some point

    Yes. Taking church seriously was the turning point. 

    In 2004, some years after I got my HND, I switched from my family church to another one and started attending every service and special programme to escape from home. In less than a year, I was a full-fledged church worker and gradually opened up to the other workers. For the first time, I was part of a family with a defined purpose. While it wasn’t all love and light like it was supposed to be, it was a thousand times healthier than the situation at home. 

    And that’s where I met my husband.

    How did that happen?

    He was also a worker, about five years older than me. 

    When he first started talking to me nice, in 2006, I immediately decided I didn’t deserve someone like him. He was well-liked in church and had a pleasant face. I thought I’d embarrass him by being romantically associated with him. I didn’t want him to feel bad and ashamed of himself when he finally realised I was actually ugly. So I started avoiding him.

    But he was persistent for a good year. Even when I skipped services, he’d come to my house — sometimes, with our pastor — to check on me. As soon as I agreed to date him, he proposed. I was ecstatic. I ended up being the first of my siblings to get married. Everyone was shocked.

    What did they say?

    My mum laughed at me when I told her. She said, “I thought you would be our stay-at-home child, to take care of us in our old age.” She made a show out of telling me how lucky I was and how I should make sure to “tie the man down before he runs”. When he came for the introduction, she was very happy. My father was indifferent.

    Please, tell me it went well

    Our marriage was great until I had our first child in 2009. As soon as I became pregnant, he grew distant, and the affairs rolled out. For several years, I accepted this as normal and even encouraged it. 

    Affairs?

    He started seeing other women. Of course, at first, I felt betrayed, especially because he was supposed to be a born-again Christian. I really didn’t expect adultery from him. He’s an assistant pastor today, but it hasn’t stopped him.

    But I’m curious. How and why did you encourage it?

    After I found out about the first one, I told him it was okay, that I understood.

    I thought it was expected, considering how ugly I was. I found myself making excuses for him and justifying it. In fact, I believed he did me a favour by marrying me, giving me an escape from my parents and having to figure out a career or finances. 

    Our marriage stopped being romantic or intimate after our first year, but he’s never treated me badly or disrespected me for one day. I’ve told myself I’m content with that.

    Are you?

    I am. 

    When you say “stopped being intimate”, do you mean no more sex?

    Oh no. He still performs his marital duties — we have three kids now — but it’s clear he doesn’t enjoy it with me. I understand why. I’ve never really been able to let loose in bed for him. 

    Do you still believe your looks justify his infidelity?

    Not at all. I’ve seen too many marriages in which the wives are simply perfect but the husbands still cheat or treat them badly to believe that. But something in my head still tells me it’s only natural that he’d seek comfort in other women. 

    A part of me feels like I’m a source of shame to him. When others boldly show their wives off, what can he do?

    Did you ever confront your parents about how they treated you?

    No. I was terrified of them, so I just treated it as something normal I had to endure. 

    They’re still alive and strong today. My mother did Omugwo for all three of my children. I’m still not their favourite, and they hardly notice when I don’t communicate with them for a while.

    Have you ever considered therapy?

    No, I haven’t. The church community has been quite helpful with counselling and that feeling of fellowship, so I’ve not yet found it necessary.

    Has your experience affected your relationship with your own children?

    As a young adult, I was so sure I wouldn’t have children because I didn’t want them to have a similar experience. But when I got serious with church and married my husband, I healed from that. I realised my children wouldn’t suffer like I did because I’d never behave like my parents. Neither would my husband. 

    We bring them up as Christ would, with gentleness and kindness.

    For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women-like content, click here

    RELATED: What She Said: Growing Up With A Pastor Mum Was Hard

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Kunle: In January 2022, we met on a danfo going from CMS to Eko Hotel roundabout. It was around 6:30 a.m., we sat together, and there was bumper-to-bumper traffic for most of the way because of all the closed roads and bridges. We were both sweaty but trying to maintain beauty for the office.

    Temi: It was hard for us public transport users that year. I always got to the office exhausted. Well, not much has changed now.

    But that day, we got to talking when he got a glance at my music playlist on my phone. He saw I liked a lot of sad music and commented on it. That’s how we started talking about music and our work.

    Kunle: When we finally got to our destination, it was some minutes past eight, and we were both late for work, so we didn’t even bother to rush. We’d found out we worked not too far from each other, so we got into a keke together and that’s where we exchanged phone numbers.

    When did you realise you liked each other?

    Temi: We started meeting up in the evenings to catch the bus going to Barracks together, and we really got along on these bus trips. After some days, he told me he normally carpooled with a man who uses his private car as a taxi when he was coming to work in the morning and leaving at night. The only reason he’d been using the danfo that week was because the man had travelled. 

    He invited me to carpool with him, and I agreed. It was a great decision because the man’s car was so comfortable; it was air conditioned, and he lived closer to my house, so I could just walk home from where he dropped me off.

    Kunle: There were usually four of us from different offices in this man’s car. And on rare occasions, five. Instead of having to jump danfos at up to four stops between work and home, we could just sit back and relax for a long stretch of time. It didn’t even cost that much more. We got to talk and get to know each other without the stress and noise of danfo buses. I think that’s how we started liking each other.

    What interesting things did you find out about each other?

    Kunle: That she catered for small events on the side. I immediately loved that she was that enterprising.

    Temi: For me, I found out he was gay, first of all.

    Kunle: I like to have that out of the way when I’m getting to know people, so they can decide if they want to move the friendship forward from early on. 

    I once had a friend who was so angry when she found out I was gay about a year into our friendship. She said I’d betrayed her trust and blocked me.

    I think on the second day of going home in the private car, I told her.

    Temi: It was refreshing to meet a gay person in person and have him be so open about it without it necessarily showing in his behaviour. I was a bit disappointed though, because I thought he was cute.

    Kunle: She asked to see a picture of my boyfriend at the time, and I showed her.

    Temi: He was cute too. It really wasn’t fair.

    When did you both know you’d fallen in love?

    Kunle: The next month, that “cute” guy broke up with me. I’d never experienced as much heartbreak as I did after it happened, probably because we dated for two and a half years. I really thought we’d be committed for life, but apparently, we weren’t on the same page. 

    That’s what made it even more upsetting. Was he pretending about liking me as much as I thought he did? I suddenly didn’t know.

    Temi: He was so withdrawn one day. And he was like that for some weeks, but I didn’t know why. He’d miss the car on some days, and I started feeling somehow about entering without him because I didn’t know anyone else in the car. 

    So I went back to danfos. When I tried to chat him up to check up on him, he’d just say he was fine. I was worried but I left him. But then, I started missing him.

    Kunle: When I started getting over my ex, I felt bad for leaving her hanging like that. I’d noticed she was no longer going with the car. I felt bad that I’d pushed her to go for a much more uncomfortable transport option. I called her up one day and apologised for my sudden withdrawal.

    When I finally told her about the break up one Saturday, she told me to meet up with her somewhere she was going to deliver packs of jollof rice she’d made to a birthday celebrant.

    Temi: He came to where we’d agreed to meet up, which was not too far from his place, and I gave him a pack of my Jollof as a “feel better” gift.

    Kunle: I was so touched. We sat down at the venue. I opened and started eating the food right there. I hadn’t eaten all day, it was around 5 p.m., and the food smelt so good.

    It tasted good too. I looked at her midway into the meal with this big smile on my face. She had a big smile on hers too.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    Was that love though?

    Kunle: Yes. A version of it.

    I couldn’t stop thinking about her once I got home. But I couldn’t understand why because I’d never dated a woman, ever. I actually got into my first relationship at 25 as a virgin. I believed it was because I’d only been considering women up until that point, and I never met one I was attracted to. 

    Temi: Before I met him, my last relationship was in 2018. It was one of those lukewarm ones where, at the end, you don’t even know why you were together. So I was single and very ready for a relationship. By the time we were getting to know each other in that car, I was very attracted to him and so upset he was gay. But at the same time, I didn’t want to keep away.

    Kunle: After the jollof rice meet-up, we went back to going to and from work in the car. So we saw each other every day of the week. When we started hanging out on weekends too, I knew that was it. We’d invite each other for family events or to see a movie together and started meeting each other’s friends. This went on till around June 2022, when I decided to try my luck and ask her out.

    Temi: On our way to work, one early Monday morning, he asked me randomly. I was in shock. I was like, “I thought you were gay.” He looked a little confused when I said that, so I knew it was something he himself was still trying to figure out.

    How did you handle rediscovering your sexuality and entering a new relationship at the same time?

    Kunle: It was conflicting for a while, not going to lie. But in the end, I decided to just follow my instincts. For some reason, I really liked this one girl after a lifetime of liking boys. Maybe that doesn’t require an explanation.

    Temi: I tried to keep an open mind too, and enjoy the process. I didn’t say yes to him right away because I wanted him to be really sure. I also wanted to process whether actually wanted to date him. It took me up to three weeks to agree. In the meantime, our budding friendship grew. I realised that beyond being attracted to him, we got along well. He was a serious person; he took the important things in life — money, work, family — seriously.

    Kunle: We also like food — the one thing we both like.

    Temi: That’s not true. We like swimming. But yeah, that’s all we have in common.

    Are either of you ever worried he’ll get attracted to a man again?

    Temi: I won’t say “worried”, but the thought enters my head sometimes. On one hand, I feel special that I’m the one woman who made him realise he’s actually bisexual not gay. But on the other hand, I have a lot of learning to do about what bisexuality entails in practice.

    Kunle: I still get attracted to men actually. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever act on it. I’m fully committed to this relationship for the foreseeable future. Being gay or bisexual doesn’t mean I can’t be disciplined and stay loyal and respectful to her.

    Fair enough. Do you remember what your first major fight was about?

    Kunle: Oh, it was so stupid.

    Temi: We fought, or rather, had an argument over last year’s Sallah meat.

    Kunle: This was even before we’d fully agreed to date.

    Temi: He’s Muslim. So he’d sworn to bring me a full polythene bag of ram meat. I told him to bring it raw so I could cook it very tender and make a nice sauce with it. 

    What did he do? He brought the one that they’d fried hard as rock. And it wasn’t even plenty. After he had promised heaven and earth. I was already dreaming of how I was going to savour it and use it with four different meals. Oh God.

    Kunle: I overhyped myself as a joke. I didn’t know she was actually taking me seriously and making plans. I just put some leftover meat together without thinking, and took it to her the next day. When she brought the meat out of the bag, she lambasted me. I’ll never forget. I felt so bad.

    Temi: I didn’t speak to him for like two days. One day, he ordered ram suya to my house. That was so sweet.

    What’s the best thing about being together so far?

    Temi: Everything. What I love most is how I don’t feel any pressure at all. I can be myself, talk about things that interest me and be open and vulnerable, without feeling judged or disrespected.

    Kunle: The best thing is how compatible we are in almost everything: mentally, sexually, even career-wise. We’re growing together. And we’re so comfortable together. I didn’t realise how uptight I was — constantly seeking validation and trying to be and look perfect — in almost all my past relationships until we got together. Thank you for that.

    How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Temi: 8. I love you so much.

    Kunle: Maybe 9.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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  • Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.

    Take us to the beginning of your dating experience. Was it a good start?

    You tell me. My first boyfriend was a cultist. 

    I didn’t know immediately, but when he told me over a year into the relationship, I didn’t break up with him. It just explained why he often disappeared for a while and was rather inconsistent. I only broke up with him about three years later, when I couldn’t handle his inconsistency any longer.

    How did you meet a cultist though?

    I met him in 2011 at a JAMB tutorial centre, and we dated on and off during the three years it took me to finally gain admission into university — no thanks to federal universities. I remember when we started dating, he disappeared for about a year, and I couldn’t get in touch with him. I was so confused. But then, he came back and eventually showed me his cult shirt. I was 19 then, and very naive. I already liked him a lot, so I didn’t break up with him.

    Let’s talk about the inconsistency that eventually led to that

    One time, he kept me waiting for up to an hour for a date. Other times, I’d just not hear from him for weeks. Then, he’d turn up and want to carry on with the relationship like nothing happened. I’d just find myself crying in bed because I missed him and didn’t understand what was going on. I eventually convinced myself that the heartache wasn’t worth it.

    And after him?

    After him, I finally got into school and another relationship. This person cheated on me with my friend because I wasn’t ready to have sex. My friend was even the one who came and told me. After that one, I didn’t date again throughout uni. 

    But there was a guy who asked me out for up to two years. He was consistent; he’d come to my hostel on campus, and we’d gist and laugh for hours. I decided to give him a chance after graduation in 2017, and he ended up being my best boyfriend to date. He was kind and thoughtful, but he lied about being a smoker when he knew it was my dealbreaker at the time. When he finally came clean, I broke up with him. 

    Ironically, I smoke now.

    What is this life?

    Around that time, I started learning about things like gender inequality, feminism and internalised misogyny. I’d been poking holes through things society portrayed as normal for a while, but it really came to a head that year. I started NYSC at the end of 2017 and got into another relationship. The problem started when I decided to carry my new boyfriend along on my newfound journey. 

    He didn’t take it well?

    No. We started having arguments from early on, about things as little as having rights as a woman. 

    One time, we went to computer village to fix my phone. As we were leaving, the repairman ran after us to return something my boyfriend forgot, saying, “Thank God say no be your woman you forget like that.” I was shocked and later shared with him how that came across as equating me to an object. I was mindblown that he didn’t understand how that was a problem, how you can draw a straight line from that kind of mindset to the general violence against women. 

    It’s like the majority of men don’t see women as human but as objects that exist solely for the pleasure of men.

    Do you think he saw you that way too?

    Not obviously, but there were things he did. 

    For example, I wasn’t sexually active at the time. I had a Pentecostal Christian upbringing, where I wasn’t allowed to wear trousers or earrings. Of course, sex was a big no. We’d make out sometimes but never go all the way. 

    One day, we’d gotten to the point of dry humping, and the next thing I heard was, “I put in just the tip.” I cried for an hour, I felt so betrayed. And the main problem was he didn’t even see how he’d violated me and taken advantage of my trust. He hadn’t even cared to seek consent because he had access to my body and felt entitled. That experience affected me so much, I had to get therapy to heal from it. 

    Have you had any healthy relationships with men?

    I honestly don’t think so because my next memorable relationship was long-distance and toxic as hell. 

    We met during NYSC in 2018 but didn’t date until after because we were both in relationships. After NYSC, he went back abroad and then asked me out sometime in 2020. I agreed to date him because he’d been a really good friend, and I thought he was a decent human being. 

    However, I shared my reservations about long-distance relationships beforehand. Big mistake, because he spent our entire three-month relationship using that as proof I didn’t really like him instead of that I, in fact, liked him enough to try with him! Suffice it to say, the relationship was one big emotional rollercoaster.

    Interview With Rollercoaster: “Now, Why Am I in It?”

    How so, please?

    He’d always play these mind games about how he knew I didn’t like him and was cheating on him with my ex, or just make negative assumptions about almost everything I said or didn’t say. 

    One time, I half-heartedly asked if he’d upgrade my iPhone 6 to a 7 or 8 — X was the latest grade at the time, so I wasn’t greedy. He just responded with a comment implying that that was why I really agreed to date him. 

    Wow

    Later, he asked to take a break because he was having domestic issues. I asked if there was any way I could support him, and he accused me of making what he was going through all about me. 

    Some weeks later, he messaged me saying I shouldn’t wait for him. Did he expect me to put my life on hold for him before? In retrospect, I realise he only initiated that relationship so he could get my nudes.

    No!

    Yes. He even texted me some months later asking if I could reshare them with him, that he’d mistakenly deleted all the ones I’d shared. I spent the whole of COVID year recovering from him.

    Men are what?

    Is it the one I had a situation-ship with later in 2020, who kept talking about his ex, making comments like: “When the most beautiful person you’ve ever dated is now in someone else’s arms,” or “If his ex was single right now, he’d be with her.” It was particularly annoying because I’d asked him several times about it before and he lied and said he was over her. Of course, I eventually gained sense and left that one. 

    But guess what. He still gave me three missed calls last night (2023).

    What was the last straw for you with men?

    Sometime in September 2022, I met two guys on the same night out in South. 

    I don’t know which one showed me the most pepper, the insecure dog beater or this nonchalant guy. And not even at the same time o.

    Oh, dear. When you say “dog beater”

    I’ve truly seen it all. 

    So this guy walked up to me while I was taking fresh air outside South, and started talking about how he was a hot shot who made clothes for celebs. We exchanged IG contacts, and later on, we started DMing. That’s how he started sending me Instagram posts of wigs I can choose from. Before I knew it, he was offering to buy me a phone and change my life. I told him to calm down; I didn’t want anything from him; we barely knew each other. He went off on me that “Am I trying to insinuate he had ulterior motives?”

    At some point, we agreed to go see a movie together, but when he picked me up, he said he wanted to take something from his “atelier”. He drove us to a self-contained apartment in Surulere, and I immediately knew that was where he lived. 

    If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why

    Uh oh

    There was this other guy watching a football match. I sat on the one sofa available, right next to a bed. He sat beside me, and that was how the idea of seeing a movie flew out the window. He just kept asking me things like, “What would ₦500k do for me right now?” “Send me your account number, I’ll wire you ₦1m.” It was a lot. 

    Then, he took my hand and placed it on his crotch. 

    Ah

    I jumped up and knew I had to get out of that situation. He stood up too and walked into another room that must’ve been his kitchen. Next thing, I heard this loud keening that sounded almost human until I realised it was a dog.

    What was wrong with the dog?

    I peeked in through the slightly open door and saw this dog chained to a table. 

    First of all, the room was dirty. Then, the dog must’ve been white originally, but its fur was brownish and matted. It just looked so sad. Meanwhile, this guy was screaming at it and started hitting the poor thing. Oh my God. He came back out, and I asked what the problem was. He said, “I just bought this stupid thing because I thought it was cool. Didn’t know I’d have to be cleaning piss and shit.”

    Someone needs to rescue that poor dog!

    I know. 

    I just hightailed it out of there. I told him I needed to get something to eat, and he offered to drive me to this shawarma guy near my house. From there, I said he didn’t have to wait with me for it to be ready. As soon as he drove away, I blocked him. FAST. 

    Even on the way there, it was road rage galore. I was like, if I even make the mistake of dating this person, he’d beat me.

    God, abeg. 

    And the other guy?

    That one was both better and worse.

    It’s giving wedding vows

    DFKM. 

    He also chatted me up at South that night, and said I was his exact spec. But then, we ended up in a situation-ship because I wasn’t looking for a relationship anyway. At first, I didn’t mind because the sex was good, but he was so nonchalant. 

    How did he expose himself?

    I made the mistake of messaging my friend that he was someone I couldn’t even have intelligent conversations with. He saw the message and was offended. I felt bad so I apologised, but he ended up using that as a weapon against me later. 

    Also, we’d always meet up at my house because he lived with his parents. I’d cook for him, or order food or snacks for us, but not once did he ever think to bring me anything on his way. Not food or a little present, nothing. 

    So you broke up the entanglement?

    No. Not at first. The sex was good.

    But then, in April 2023, I started having severe anxiety over a job I was about to start, with responsibilities I didn’t feel completely confident I could deliver on, so I shared my concerns with him. That led to me opening up that I wished he’d be more sensitive and caring. Then I asked for a break because I wanted to be celibate.

    His response?

    I was just saying all that because I wanted a full relationship with him. Apparently, I was trying to guilt-trip him into committing. Then he brought up how I’d already told my friends he was unintelligent, so why did I suddenly want to date him? 

    I was disappointed, annoyed and done with the whole thing. We haven’t spoken since.

    So what now?

    Nothing. I’ve completely given up on dating men. 

    I don’t think men and women think the same way at all, and I’m exhausted from trying to find common ground with one. Maybe if a man came correct, is a kind and decent human being to me, I’d change my mind. I want someone who’d make a real effort to want to be in my life.

    These days, I’ve been exploring relationships with women, and it’s been a lot healthier for me. Women have been a lot kinder to me.

    But have you always been bisexual or is this because of your toxic experiences with men?

    I’ve always been bisexual, but I didn’t realise it until 2021 when I started to truly experience life outside the confines of Christianity.

    I’ve always liked women and found some of them attractive in a sexual way. But I’d usually write it off as a girl crush. I’d been socialised never to pursue such an interest, so I never did.

    What changed in that regard?

    In 2022, it just occurred to me to explore it fully. 

    One day, a friend convinced me to open a Bumble account, and I filled in “everyone” when they asked what gender I was interested in. Shortly after, I met a woman on there, and we became friends. Recently, we’ve started talking more romantically, and she makes me feel good. 

    Most of my friends are queer. I have maybe three straight friends in total, so it’s nothing new to me. Just last week, I attended a queer speed dating event, and that was the first time I’ve put myself out there as someone interested in queer relationships. It was such a wholesome experience.

    I love it for you

    There’s something the girl I met on Bumble told me once. She said, “It’s okay if, at the end of this journey, you realise you’re straight. But at least, you’ll know.” That’s where I am right now, but I know for sure I won’t find out I’m not straight.

    I’m curious how you know for sure 

    Even sex with women is better because men are selfish in that department too. The women I’ve been with always ask how you’re doing, and mutual pleasure is considered. I’ve never got that feeling with men.

    Never?

    In the beginning, they’re all “heart eyes”. But once you give them small space, they start moving mad. It seems no man has loved me enough to make the effort to be a decent human being to me.

    For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women-like content, click here

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