Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What was your first impression of each other?

Dave: I met him at a restaurant in 2017. One of my oldest friends from uni invited me and another school friend to have a meal together and catch up. He brought Kene and another friend too. I also came with a friend. That’s how we all became this large group of friends who are all close till today.

Kene: Not that close, but we hang out once in a while. I wasn’t even that close to the person who invited me at the time. We’d met about a month before that, on a project at work. But I thought he was cool, and I was trying to go out more.

Dave: My first memory of him was me thinking he was so small and yellow. He hardly spoke during the whole get-together. 

But that memory was overshadowed by something else. When it was time to pay, the table agreed we’d split the bill equally. I was broke and had purposely not eaten much, so this was an unwelcome surprise.

Kene: He looked so conflicted. Everyone else was oblivious and just paid up and left. Then it was me, him and the guy who invited us all. I’ll always find it funny that he didn’t just disagree with the splitting idea from the beginning because he couldn’t afford it. That’s how me and the other guy had to cover his bill.

Dave: I wanted to, but I was too ashamed to call attention to myself like that.

How did that lead to a relationship?

Kene: Later that week, our mutual friend called me to apologise about it, but I didn’t think anything of it, so I told him, “It happens”. He said Dave was asking for my number to thank me directly. I told him he could share.

That same night, Dave called and was acting all shy. He asked for my account details so he could reimburse me, but I told him not to bother. When I noticed that this only made him feel worse, I relented and sent him. I got an alert about an hour after our call, and it was a lot more than what I paid for him.  

Dave: I felt bad. He didn’t even know me. I was also touched because I know guys who’d never pay that money for an almost stranger. 

After I sent the money, I thought I’d never hear from him again even though I wanted to get to know him more. So imagine my surprise when he texted me some days after and told me it was nice I sent him more than he paid, but I didn’t have to. My response was to ask him if he‘d like to watch an Arsenal match with me at a viewing centre that evening. 

We met up an hour later and had a couple of beers while watching the game together.

Kene: He was very good company. After the match, we talked for a bit and went our separate ways. 

We did that a few more times. Sometimes, with some of his other friends. Meeting up with him became a part of my life outside of work and occasionally hanging out with my “actual friends”. It became some double life like my alter ego playing at having a social life. 

I looked forward to his texts inviting me to watch one sports game or the other.

Dave: This went on for three years. We didn’t talk about liking each other until 2020.

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Did COVID have anything to do with the eventual reveal?

Dave: Yes and no. 

I knew I liked him a lot from the first day we met to watch that game. But I didn’t want to say anything because you can’t just show yourself like that in this country. I’m always extra careful, and honestly, most of my relationships have been with women.

Kene: I didn’t know he was gay or bi. I was absolutely sure he was straight. So I just suffered in silence, settling for his company, which I enjoyed. Then, he got together with his girlfriend in 2019. I was crushed. But it was all the confirmation I needed that he was straight.

Dave: I noticed him withdraw when I started dating my girlfriend. He was suddenly not always available to hang out and hardly came by my place. I started to miss him, but I let my feelings for my new babe overshadow that. 

By September or October 2019, we weren’t speaking much except for sharing memes on IG or something related to a mutual friend. I wasn’t happy that we were drifting apart.

Kene: I felt like he gave me breakfast even though we weren’t dating. It almost felt like a heartbreak. One night, I even cried myself to sleep. So I couldn’t handle talking with him as a friend anymore.

Dave: The lockdown came, and I was lonely AF — my girlfriend was in another town. I started thinking about him a lot, so I called to check on him. That’s how we started calling each other every day just to gist and keep each other company.

Kene: I wanted to tell him I liked him this time, but the way I was scared, ehn? I didn’t want him to hate me because I was gay. I’d never felt that way before.

Who did the telling in the end?

Dave: Neither of us.

We started getting vulnerable, revealing way too much about our lives to each other. Like how little sex we were getting or how much we needed someone to hold. It started as a joke at first, just us teasing each other, but after a while, we both knew we were being sincere.

Kene: I started it. I got tired of wishing and waiting and just wanted something to give. The first time we met up after the lockdown was lifted, he gave me this big hug and a little peck on the side of my face. My whole heart screamed.

Then we went back to watching football matches and drinking beer together. My heart sank a little. One night at our regular lounge, I took the leap and invited him over to my place. I can’t even remember what I told him we’d do there, but he agreed to come with me.

Dave: That was the first night we spent together, and it was great.

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Did you start dating officially after?

Dave: Yes. We had a long talk the next day and decided to commit.

Kene: But not exclusively. He still had his girlfriend.

Dave: We agreed to not go public, so I asked him if I had to break up with her, and he said no.

Kene: She really likes this guy, and I didn’t want to be the reason why he broke her heart. Three years later, I’ve learnt to live with it. Since we can’t be together as fully as we want, I don’t want to deprive him of a full relationship just because.

But don’t you feel deprived?

Kene: That’s the life. Not all of us can have the luck of a bisexual in Nigeria.

Dave: We’ll come for you o.

Kene: Sometimes, the secrecy adds to the spice of our sex life. The fact that no one in our circle knows about us makes me feel a little bold and reckless. It’s our special secret. However, I sometimes feel cheated when I see him and her together.

Does she, at least, know you guys are together?

*Silence*

Kene: I suspect she knows. But we’re also pretty discreet. We haven’t told any of our mutual friends, and it’s not like we steal kisses in the kitchen when she’s in the living room or anything like that.

Dave: We’ve talked about it. I know there’s no way to tell her now without breaking her heart and letting her down. But at the same time, I’m being the best possible boyfriend to her in every other way I can think of. That must count for something.

I’ve always been open to her about being bisexual, and she knows how close I am to him.

Kene: That’s why I think she already knows but doesn’t want to address it.

Aren’t you guys scared this might blow up in your faces?

Dave: A little.

Kene: Not really.

What do you fight about?

Kene: Being his side chick even though I came first.

Dave: We’ve never fought about that.

Kene: But we should.

Dave: Our first fight was over him scratching my car after I told him not to drive it out because he was a little tipsy. This was in 2019 or so. I’m just glad nothing happened to him.

Kene: He doesn’t like it when I’m on the phone for a long time. We fight about that a lot. But my work can be very demanding.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Kene: Hmm. 8? 9? Something high. I only feel down when I find it hard to imagine our future together.

Dave: I’d say 8 or 7. I know I’m not being true to you or my girlfriend or even myself. I know I need to make a decision very soon as we’re not getting any younger.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you two meet?

Temi: We met at a gym. 

I joined early in 2021 because I wanted to shed pandemic weight, and my mum recommended I start working out as a form of therapy. I was a victim of layoffs during the start of the pandemic, and so, I was broke and directionless. She paid for my gym membership for three months and for a personal trainer. Each trainer had five to ten trainees depending on how popular they were. 

Michael was in my group. I noticed him right away because he was always quiet and focused on what he had to do. He’d come exactly when the session started and leave immediately after. Most people liked to talk, linger and slack off. I immediately wanted to be just as focused as him, and then, I wanted to know what was going on in his head; it had to be more than the reps.

Michael: I was focusing on the reps to get my mind off being a jobless man who was digging deep into his savings for a gym subscription. Working out was my way of maintaining discipline. It also helped with my self-confidence when I was outside.  At least, I was in shape. 

I noticed Temi because she was a fine girl, and I remember thinking once that I didn’t even understand why she was working out. A part of me felt girls only gym when they’re overweight. But I didn’t think too much into it because I knew that was lowkey shallow.

Temi: After weeks of hoping he’d approach me, I realised that would never happen because he never stuck around. I walked up to him while he was resting between reps, said hi and told him I’d like to talk to him after. I don’t know why I sounded so serious like I wanted to sell him something.

Michael: I was just shocked she spoke to me, so I nodded and continued my workout.

What happened after the session?

Michael: She came to me right after. I was shy because I was sweaty and insecure about possibly being smelly. So it was a bit awkward.

Temi: I didn’t sense any awkwardness. In fact, I mistook his shyness for slight arrogance, but not the off-putting kind. I sha thought he was cool and loved that he was tall but not too tall. 

When I asked what he did, he spoke about his work as a project manager at an investment bank and how he was laid off. I loved how smart he sounded, how he never tried to drag the conversation into something unserious. 

I knew I wanted to be friends with him.

Michael: I thought once she heard I’d been out of a job for months, her face would change. It didn’t. Then she told me she hadn’t had a job for up to a year, and I was shocked.

Temi: We ended up walking out of the gym together and hopping into the same keke because we both lived in the same area.

How did you stay in touch?

Temi: We checked out each other’s IGs in the keke. But we mostly met up at the gym at least twice a week, sometimes, four times. We became each other’s accountability partners, and he helped me stay focused on completing my reps or getting in good form when the trainer didn’t have my time. 

He made me look forward to my day at the gym, to be honest.

Michael: Me too.

Temi: But we didn’t communicate outside the gym much during that period. I’d go home and doom-scroll on TikTok between tweaking and submitting my CV and cover letter 100 times a day, help my parents with errands and chores, babysit for my elder siblings. Rinse and repeat. 

When the three-month membership elapsed, nobody wanted to pay for my renewal, and I wasn’t in the mood to beg anyone.

Michael: I’m not sure if it’s because she stopped coming, but I stopped going to the gym shortly after. I even wasted about a week of my subscription. It suddenly felt like there was no point. Maybe that’s when I knew I liked her. 

I still didn’t have her number, so I DMed her. She didn’t respond until weeks later.

Temi: I was lowkey more active on Snapchat and TikTok. And I had most of my notifications off because they gave me anxiety to see them pop up randomly.

When you finally saw his DM?

Temi: I was so excited. I remember screaming in my room when I opened IG and saw his username in my DMs with unread messages. 

I pretty much liked him liked him at that point, but it was more like infatuation because we didn’t know much about each other. His DM was something simple like “Where did you disappear to? We’ve missed you at the gym.” My trainer messaged me something similar, but my reaction to his was obviously different.

Michael: She responded, and we DMed almost non-stop for days. It wasn’t like we had anything better to do. We talked about ourselves, things we found on our timeline and people around us.

Temi: There was something therapeutic about suddenly finding purpose in this light-hearted banter with someone whose head was correct. 

Obviously, at some point, we talked about our careers and what we’d do to get back on track. We decided we had to go back to school or get some form of certification. I was already on track to take my second CIPM membership exam as an HR professional. 

He was considering getting his master’s at Lagos Business School or japa. I lowkey discouraged him from the second option because I didn’t have any such plans and didn’t want to just hear one day that he was leaving me in this country.

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Did you guys talk about liking each other at this point?

Temi: No. This was like August 2021, and we were still very much platonic. But I knew I wanted more; I just didn’t know how to nudge him without telling him outright.

Michael: I’m not sure I would’ve done anything about it until I had a job and felt secure enough. Thankfully, we got jobs soon after. 

A friend of mine hooked me up with a virtual coding and software development program that claimed to fix you up with a job or internship once you complete and pass. It was a three-month beginner crash course, and it was cheap. I thought it was too good to be true but had nothing to lose.

About a week before it was supposed to start, I shared the link with her on a whim. We’d never talked about tech, but I figured since we were both always discussing personal development, she’d appreciate the plug.

Temi: Tech was in vogue and everyone was hiring developers, so why not? When I showed my mum, she didn’t mind paying. I also lowkey saw it as an opportunity to get closer to him. 

Don’t judge me, please.

How did the programme go?

Michael: Well. We bonded really well. 

I was surprised she keyed into it quickly. She even paid before I did, and I admired her drive for something productive. During the programme, she was so determined to pass. After the classes, she’d call. Sometimes, we’d do video calls to go over things she didn’t understand. 

She’d get me to get my coder friends on calls to show us what to do on assignments. That’s how we started meeting up.

Temi: At first, we met up outside. You’d see us at these lounges in the afternoon with our laptops, mouses and head phones. Thank God, no one tried to arrest us for doing yahoo sha.

Michael: Please, don’t joke like that.

What happened after this period?

Temi: During. We had our first kiss during this period. 

After meeting up outside to work together a couple of times, we started seeing each other at his place. It got so comfortable with us meeting and working together in his room, but remember that I already liked him a lot at this point, and I knew he liked me back. We just needed to get into a comfort zone.

Michael: I don’t know how it happened but we kissed. And that “first kiss” ended up being a long make-out session that only ended because we had a deadline that night. After we submitted our assignment though, it was pretty clear we were no longer “just friends”. 

We just walked with it without giving it a name for a while.

Temi: And now, I’m basically in love with him. Falling in love has been the most satisfying experience ever. I can’t even explain it.

We’ll explain it in a bit. But first, y’all completed the programme and got jobs?

Michael: Yeah. She got a job in December 2021. I got an internship right after the programme ended in November that didn’t pay too badly.

Temi: I’ve left the job now, but it was honestly a life-changer for me. Now, I can confidently say I can never struggle to get a job again. I have Michael to thank for that too.

Michael: I stayed loyal. I’m still at the job, almost management level now. It can be toxic sometimes, in terms of the targets and pressure, but it’s all worthwhile when I see my paycheck. Well, not so much now with the Nigerian economy, but I’m grateful. 

I’m grateful that I somehow got a great new career and great new girlfriend in the same vein.

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God, when? But also, when did you finally put a name to the relationship?

Michael: Sometime during the 2021 Christmas season. I told her we should take our relationship seriously and start making plans together.

Temi: He had this serious face when he said it, as usual. I just laughed and said something like, “So you didn’t think we were serious all this while?”

Michael: You said, “So you haven’t been telling people I’m your girlfriend all this time? Wow.” We did everything people in relationships do, but that was 2021, and situationships and entanglements had just become a thing. I wasn’t trying to play games with my heart.

Temi: It was actually after we attended one ill-fated games night that made us swear off Lagos games night.

Michael: God, no.

Tell me

Temi: At this afternoon games party that turned into a midnight affair, they started telling us to remove cloth and kiss our neighbours. It wasn’t even truth or dare. I sha know that before we knew it, everyone was half-naked and kissing themselves. It was very much giving orgy, and I had to question the company Michael keeps.

Michael: My office co-workers invited me, and I was trying to build good working relationships.

How did you guys escape that situation?

Temi: The party was in this sprawling shortlet apartment complex, so we had to quickly book another apartment to ourselves.

Michael: We didn’t want to head back to the mainland that late at night. We’d had quite a bit to drink and were tired too. 

Temi: That night, we had a long talk about what we wanted to be to each other, and the kind of relationship we wanted. It wasn’t diamonds, chocolate and flowers, but it was the most romantic experience ever. 

One of my favourite things about him is how kind and respectful he is. He doesn’t even try to form hard guy.

Michael: Thank you. I guess.

Do you guys even fight?

Michael: We fight over food a lot. She’s never hungry but always eats my food. And she runs through our cereal boxes too quickly. She also is allergic to water or something. The amount of liquid sugar she takes is so upsetting.

Temi: Wow. That was a lot. I didn’t know you were holding all of that in.

I don’t think we fight like that. Sometimes, I think he has subtle OCD sha. Everything has to be perfectly organised or he’d fight. I don’t like that he gets so nit-picky with me, and that gets us clashing sometimes. 

But we know how to de-escalate as well.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Temi: Easily 10. It’s smooth sailing for now. Sometimes, I get paranoid that something will happen suddenly to shake us up a bit.

Michael: Like what? It can’t be that serious. 

It’s a 10 for me too.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

READ THIS TOO: Love Life: I Haven’t Opened His First Gift to Me From 22 Years Ago

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you meet?

Effiong: In university. 

We didn’t attend the same school, but she was my immediate older sister’s roommate from ‘97 to ‘98, so we crossed paths a lot when I came to visit. Sometimes, I’d call my sister, and Maryam would pick up. I thought she was the prettiest person in the world.

Maryam: For the most part, our meetings were fleeting. 

Sometimes, I’d go home with his sister, Ini, for a holiday, and he’d be there. We’d all chat for a while. He and his friends got along with our friends. It was all lighthearted university energy.

He had a girlfriend the first year we knew each other, but I never dated throughout university.

Effiong: Because there were so many people chasing you, and you couldn’t choose. 

Maryam: Convocation day came for me and Ini, and he was there with his family. They got to meet my family, and everybody just bonded happily. 

I look at the photos today with such nostalgia. It was a happier, simpler time.

Did you like each other at this point?

Effiong: I liked her a lot, but I don’t think I was aware at that time. 

Once their convocation came and went, I regretted that I hadn’t initiated a personal relationship with her. She and my sister went off for NYSC in completely different states, so I couldn’t reach her through my sister anymore. Of course, there were no mobile phones then. I missed her, ehn? That’s when it became obvious that I liked her. 

But for that one year, I just gave up and worked towards graduating too.

Maryam: Honestly, I don’t think I liked him like that because I never even thought about it. I was blissfully unaware of his own feelings. And I didn’t really get into any relationships during NYSC because I felt boys weren’t looking for long-term. 

I spoke with his sister a couple of times, but we were mostly disconnected until after we passed out and returned to our home cities. My family lived in Kano, while they lived in Kaduna. 

Some months after NYSC, Ini and I later moved to Abuja for work in 2001. And thanks to my relationship with Effiong, we’ve been together since.

Effiong: I’d go back and forth between Abuja and Ebonyi, where I served, just to see her. They stayed in this nice mini-flat, and I’d squat in a friend’s place for a few days on each visit. But it still took me about a year to tell her how I felt.

What did you do in the meantime?

Effiong: She probably thought I loved my sister too much; I’d come under the guise of visiting her, but Ini knew the truth. She’d often tease me about it when Maryam was away.

Maryam: But she never told me anything. She’d just make offhand remarks like, “It’s not me he’s really here for,” that didn’t make sense until much later.

Effiong: I tried to get closer to her. We’d talk. I got to know everything about her, and I’d take mental notes. When I got back to my service state, I’d think about her. 

I visited them about four times. Then they surprised me by coming for my POP. That’s when I gathered the nerve to tell her how much I liked her and would want to marry her.

You went straight to marriage? What happened to dating?

Effiong: Of course, we’d start with that. But I wanted her to know my end game at once. 

When they returned to Abuja, and I went to Kaduna, I gathered all the money I could, from my savings to handouts from my parents, and bought her a special gift based on something she’d told me she’d always wanted. I went to Abuja to present it to her and ask her to be my girlfriend. 

She said she was still thinking about it.

Maryam: I still saw him as a brother. I was also concerned about our different tribes and religions. But I didn’t tell him this because I was touched by his gesture of buying me a gift to ask me out. 

I didn’t think I’d date him, so I didn’t open the gift. I never opened it. It’s still wrapped somewhere in our house just as he gave it to me.

Effiong: At first, I was hurt that she didn’t open it when I found out many years later, but now, it’s one of those things we can laugh about as a couple. I’ve still not told her what’s in it. 

When we got married in 2003, we decided to wait till our 30th anniversary to open it together.

Maryam: I’m surprised he’s never been tempted to just tell me what it is.

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I’m more surprised you haven’t just opened it out of sheer curiosity. Also, why 30th?

Maryam: The number just rolled off the tongue. 30th.

Effiong: We could’ve just said 20th, and we’d know by now.

Maryam: I’m enjoying the wait. Once we open it, the journey is ruined. 

I can’t even guess what it is because it’s in a box or carton inside the wrapping paper. 

Effiong: The only thing I’ve told her is she won’t be disappointed whenever she opens it. It’s something she’ll appreciate no matter what. 

I’m happy we’ve come this far to have something so special to look forward to even though it’s a small thing. I wasn’t always confident we’d get here. 

Why?

Effiong: She never verbally consented to a relationship, but I kept showing up and being an absolute nuisance in her life. 

I moved to Abuja, got a good enough job and sent her food or airtime anytime I could, even though a part of me thought I was wasting my time and money. I got used to doing things for her, so I just kept doing it.

Maryam: I always say I found myself in a relationship because I don’t even know how it happened. We got used to each other. 

We didn’t even start going out together until mid-2002, but by then, it already felt like we’d been together forever. He made me very happy just by being there.

When he met my parents again, during one of our family gatherings, they accepted him fully, and that made me happiest.

Effiong: Her parents are so warm. I don’t know what she was worried about. They don’t like me so much now for converting their daughter, but even at that, they’re civil and easygoing.

Converting her?

Effiong: In 2002, she also started attending church my family’s Catholic Church in Kaduna with me. We went to Kaduna for about three weeks when we were both in between jobs. 

I never set out to convert her, and I don’t think she attended because she was looking to convert either.

Maryam: I stayed at my uncle’s place. But I was in Kaduna to be closer to Effiong. He invited me there. 

One Sunday, I wanted to see him, and he said he was in church. So I asked to come meet him there. The next Sunday, I followed him to morning mass. At the end of the year, when he asked me to marry him, we’d started attending a Pentecostal church in Abuja every other Sunday, and it was a comfortable routine for us.

Effiong: But neither of us was particularly religious or even spiritual.

Maryam: We did a court wedding in March 2003, and a mixed traditional wedding in May. My parents waited for a nikkah for a long time, but we just never did it. I didn’t feel Muslim any longer.

What’s life as a Christian married couple like?

Effiong: I’m not sure we can call ourselves that. For a long time, we were just casual Christians, attending church only on Sundays and pretty much minding our business. 

We weren’t even loyal to a church: we’d switch anytime we moved. When we moved to Lagos, our pastor in Abuja expected us to move to the Lagos branch of his church. He was so offended when we didn’t that we had to block him. 

We’ve mostly been focused on our family, career and getting our money up. I also think our introverted personalities stop us from truly getting into the spirit of religion.

Maryam: We’re non-religious now.

Effiong: We’re not atheists o. We’re just not affiliated with any religion. 

Maryam: If not for COVID, we’d probably still be attending Sunday service. But since we stopped because of the lockdown, Effiong and I realised it really didn’t feel like we were missing much. 

It’s much more important for us to be humanists, to be good and kind people, than to mindlessly perform rituals, and that’s what we teach our children.

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You don’t feel paranoid that you may be “leading your children astray”?

Maryam: Leading them astray by not compelling them to follow a religion because I say so? I think they should have the freedom to choose. They should have an open mind and be tolerant of people despite their beliefs or opinions. I teach them basic human morals.

Effiong: No one knows whether any of these religions is the true way to relate with God. We just go by faith. I don’t feel led to do that. 

I do worry about our kids. Not because we’re not raising them under a religion but because the world is cruel — both the religious and the non-religious. 

Maryam: Religion isn’t something that keeps us up at night as much as the crumbling economy, the terrible quality of life and standard of living in Nigeria today.

I worry about the quality of education our children are getting, the quality of food they eat. 

Effiong: When I was their age, I used to have lots of friends over or go visit, have birthday parties, attend Christmas or summer holiday parties, go to a neighborhood swimming pool, to Bar Beach when we visited Lagos. My children don’t get much of that, and it’s not that we don’t earn well. 

Maryam: Even the quality of basic biscuits have dropped terribly. 

I hear you. What was your first major fight about?

Maryam: The most memorable for me happened two days before our traditional wedding in 2003. We’d agreed to do it in Gwarinpa, Abuja. The idea for a traditional ceremony came last minute, and we only had two weeks to plan. Then on a Wednesday evening, he started saying we should consider going to his hometown in Calabar instead. It was crazy. I was already stressed, so I didn’t take it well, whether he was joking or not.

Effiong: My kinsmen were calling to drop out saying they couldn’t make the trip all the way to Abuja. So my oldest uncle insisted that since it was supposed to be a customary Efik wedding, it shouldn’t be done in the North. 

When I came to her, it was just to express my frustration. I hadn’t even discussed it with my parents yet. But she thought I was putting my foot down and asking us to go.

Maryam: He just said, “My uncle said we should move this thing to Calabar o.” I already started thinking of how we’d have to move the date, travel with all the things we’d already bought, lose money on the rentals, etc. I reacted badly, and he reacted badly to my reaction too. We almost called the whole thing off, but we were already married by law, so…

Effiong: Then my mum told me it was unheard of for the traditional wedding to be in the groom’s hometown at all. We should even be looking for her village in Kano. 

I just calmed down, went to apologise, the ceremony came and went, and we could breathe again.

And what’s the best thing about being married for 20 years now?

Effiong: Twenty years just came and went like that. It’s been a journey. All the stories we’ve just told about our origin, courtship and getting married feels like they happened a lifetime ago. 

Maryam: In a way, it’s saddening to think how time flies.

Effiong: We’ve grown together, had many ups and downs, seen each other in several different lights, and by some miracle, loved all the versions. That’s such a blessing. 

It’s been great working as a team and generally having the same outlook on life and where we want to go. Growing up, I didn’t get to see that a lot with my parents. They were always at loggerheads. 

Maryam: It’s been particularly great raising our four children together. Where I stop, he continues and vice versa. 

And we’re partners in crime. We do both good and bad together. I never get to be ashamed with him. That’s all I’ll say. He knows what I mean.

Effiong: I honestly can’t believe it’s been 20 years.

Maryam: Our china anniversary. 

Doing this, telling the world our love story is such a special way to celebrate it. I’m glad we did this. 

Effiong: Yes.

Here’s to 30 years and to finally unwrapping our “day one” gift!

Promise to come back and tell us what it is?

Maryam: I will.

Effiong: Don’t promise until you know, Ma.

Ah.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Effiong: 10

Maryam: 10

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

NEXT UP: Love Life: We Took a Two-Year Break to Get It Right

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you two meet?

Paul: We met through a girl I was trying to get with in 2018. I met her at a friend’s party. I actually met two of them together, but I noticed her friend first. I still don’t know why.

Funmi: I don’t remember meeting him on that day to be fair. I just know that my friend told me she was seriously talking to someone she met at one party we went to together. I got to know him when they started hanging out. They were in the talking stage for forever, but it eventually didn’t work out.

Paul: We drifted apart, and she started dating someone else. By then, I was on talking terms with Funmi. I’m not sure how one thing led to another, but it did.

When did you realise you liked each other?

Funmi: When I started smiling stupidly anytime he called and while we spoke. We would have these hours-long calls at night, and I gladly gave up my sleep for them, which was unprecedented.

Paul: I can’t pinpoint exactly when. 

I just knew I wanted to spend more and more time with her, and I always wanted to hear her voice. We bonded over work wahala and the pressures of being first-borns. I also admired the work she was doing at her company, so we’d talk about ways I could be involved in some of their projects and how the company I worked for could partner. 

We also exchanged ideas for our personal projects and advised each other on them. She was a great support system. I think we were trying to be friends when we realised there was more to our relationship.

Funmi: He asked me out about a month later, and I immediately said yes because I didn’t think anything was wrong there.

Paul: I still don’t think we did anything wrong, but you know how as humans we like to complicate things.

What happened exactly?

Funmi: The friend he originally wanted to date started making trouble the moment she found out we were together. According to her, they were exes and I was being a bad friend. I was shocked by her behaviour because they never even dated. 

Paul: She led me on, friend-zoned me, then turned around to be angry I moved on because it was with someone she knew.

Funmi: We thought it was a small thing until she started badmouthing us to everyone, even my siblings. Her story became that I stole her boyfriend. I actually lost some friends because of this drama. When the embarrassment became too much to bear, we decided to separate. 

My mum called me aside to advise me that love wasn’t worth my good name. So I told him I really liked him, but maybe we should give it a break and then try again when things cleared up a bit. This was in February 2019, shortly after Valentine’s Day.

Paul: I didn’t think we needed to break up. As far as I was concerned, we just needed to avoid the girl. But according to her, they were childhood friends and there were many people involved, including her family. So I respected her wishes and moved on. 

I dated someone else for a while too.

Funmi: I was heartbroken for like a year and eventually fought with the girl for good. We still don’t speak today.

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How did you find your way back together?

Paul: As of March 2019, for some reason, we stopped talking completely. I think she even blocked me on WhatsApp and IG because I stopped seeing her stories and statuses. I started planning to japa in September 2019, but talk of COVID crept in from December and by March, we all know what happened. 

We chatted a little during the lockdown in April, but in two months, that had fizzled out again.

Funmi: The pandemic had me feeling lonely and depressed, coupled with the anxiety of job insecurity, and I just isolated myself at home. I didn’t really talk to anyone besides my parents who I still lived with at the time. I don’t know how I survived that period.

Paul: Fast forward to January 2021, and I finally got out of Nigeria to Northampton for school.

Funmi: I moved to Milton Keyes on a family member visa in March. 

My parents aren’t married, and my mum has lived there for almost 20 years. As far back as 2012/13, I reached out and begged her to let me join her. It didn’t work out until 2021. 

Then I got admission to the University of Northampton completely by coincidence. I ended up meeting Paul at a training centre for finance jobs somewhere in town. It was the craziest thing.

Did you immediately pick up the relationship from where it left off?

Paul: I wouldn’t say “immediately”. It was gradual. 

But I think from the moment we saw each other in the same town in the UK for the same reason, a part of us knew we were going to continue from where we stopped. I remember seeing her and just smiling after the initial shock. I thought she stalked me all the way there.

Funmi: See your head as if I hadn’t moved on until God decided to shove you into my life once again.

Paul: It definitely felt good to see her again in a space where we felt free to do as we liked within the constraints of British bills. It felt like a slap on the face of the devil who tried to keep us apart. We started seeing each other every day at the training centre, then once in a blue moon, we’d run into each other on campus. 

She was studying full-time, but I was part-time, so I had more allowance to take on jobs. I could afford the occasional dates and gifts, and she appreciated it all the more because she didn’t have as much liquid cash. 

Funmi: In other words, I was a broke bitch who was easy to impress. 

Paul: During the first holiday, we got jobs as carers in the same hospital and did our bus runs together. It felt so much like we were these boring married middle-aged couple, but for some reason, it was exciting.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

What have the last two years been like together?

Funmi: I graduated first and got a semi-good job shortly after, so the tables turned. I was the one taking us out throughout last year.

Paul: Thank God I sowed the seed the year before. 

Now, we’ve both graduated, and the hustle for good white-collar jobs is on. In the meantime, we have a couple of shifts between us and don’t have as much time to think about romance. 

One thing is for sure though, we’re seriously discussing the future, and marriage is something we’ve spent the last several months planning towards.

Funmi: We’d like to move in together to save on rent, but that’s not something I’m ready to do before taking our commitment to the next level, especially in a place like England where people move in together all the time. I don’t want us to do it and get used to it and then never get married. In Nigeria, people will keep reminding us say we never marry o. 

Right now, we do our best to support each other, especially through career-related decisions. 

We also try to make each other’s birthdays memorable.

Paul: We either have a small get-together with our friends and co-workers in my apartment — it’s bigger — or an intimate dinner date at the nicest restaurant we find during the year — that we can afford. One of these two is a must.

Funmi: We’ve also been planning to move to London. We’re saving towards that, and it will tie into our marriage plans.

Was there an actual marriage proposal?

Paul: Honestly, it was more like a leading conversation that happened over time. I always imagined I would be romantic about asking my future wife to marry me, but the way it happened for us was special and heartwarming in its own way.

Funmi: It was romantic too. Romance doesn’t have to be performative or over the top. Ours was real and sincere and intimate, and I loved every second of us talking about how much we want to spend the rest of our lives together. 

I only wish I could’ve recorded the sound bites or kept a hidden camera or something.

Paul: But who knows, maybe I’ll still orchestrate a grand proposal just for posterity’s sake — the British tax system be merciful.

Funmi: What then do we call this stage we’re in? We’re not married, not engaged, but we know we’ll marry soon, so are we still boyfriend and girlfriend?

I believe it’s called “partners”. 

Have you had a major fight yet?

Funmi: Many.

Paul: What do you mean? When did we fight?

Funmi: We’ve fought sha. But I don’t even remember why.

Paul: We have arguments and differences. I’d never call them “fights” because we’re never really angry or violent. 

Funmi: It’s just times when we want different things, and we’re not immediately ready to compromise, at least, not until after we’ve aired our point or justifications. We never leave these fights thinking differently about each other. 

Most times, I can’t wait to just forgive him so I can cuddle after a long shift.

Paul: Maybe when we actually start living together, the story will be different. But I hope not.

Do you ever think about the girl who separated you the first time, and how different things could’ve been?

Paul: She comes up once in a while, and we just laugh.

Funmi: There’s no point rehashing the past or thinking about what could’ve been. But that episode has made for a good anecdote at social gatherings. Always breaks the ice when we’re out together.

Paul: I keep thinking we’ll run into her on social media one day, but she seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth.

Funmi: She’ll be fine, dear.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Paul: 8. But only because I wish we had more time to spend together.

Funmi: Oh wow. Same. Work dey choke.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

DON’T GO YET: Love Life: His Last Deployment Caused My Miscarriage

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you two meet?

Hajara: Usman and I first crossed paths during my university days in 2011. 

I was pursuing my degree in economics at the University of Abuja, and he was stationed at the Nnamdi Azikiwe Airport as an officer in the Nigerian Air Force (NAF) Base. Our first encounter was at a charity event the Air Force was hosting on campus.

Usman: I remember that day vividly. 

I was struck by Hajara’s warmth and dedication to the cause — medical missions to remote and under-served areas. She gave a speech on behalf of the students, and I just sat and watched with awe. Towards the end of the function, I asked another student I knew to introduce us. 

I found myself captivated by her intelligence and compassion.

Hajara: After that meeting, we began to see each other frequently as I started volunteering for some of NAF’s outreach programs. The first one I volunteered for was to a village in Kwali. Usman was overseeing logistics, and I was part of the team providing medical assistance. 

Working together in such a challenging environment brought us closer. I got to experience firsthand the impact the Air Force makes in people’s lives, and seeing Usman at the forefront of it made me admire him and his colleagues greatly.

When did you find out you liked each other?

Usman: She graduated in 2012 and served in the Air Force for her NYSC in 2013. During that time, I’d been transferred to Benin and back to Abuja in time to be with her at the NAF Base. I spent the time often checking in and spying on her. I even got close to her fellow corper and close friend then, just to feel close to her. 

At the time, I’d been seeing someone else for close to five years, but because of the effect Hajara had on me, I realised the relationship had grown stagnant. On the other hand, I was impressed by Hajara’s dedication and the way she connected with the local community. She had the ability to put people at ease and make them feel comfortable.

Hajara: After I passed out of NYSC, we started dating. I don’t know how it happened. He never asked me directly. We just started seeing each other, taking care of each other and attending functions together. Then, we got to know each other’s parents, and things were going strong. 

We were both in Abuja for over a year when Usman received orders for a deployment to Jos. It was strange that at the time, we’d never really discussed the fact that he could have missions anywhere in the world and have no choice but to go. His departure was a challenging time for us, but it made us realise how much we wanted to be together. 

We had a heartfelt conversation about our future, and it was during that time apart that we decided to take the plunge and get married.

Usman: It was difficult being away from Hajara during my deployment, but it strengthened our bond and made us appreciate what we had even more. I proposed to her over Skype in 2015, and when I returned home some months later, we had an intimate nikkah ceremony with close family and friends.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

What’s it like being married to an officer in the Nigerian Air Force?

Usman: Being an officer can be demanding at times. 

I had just been promoted to squadron leader when we got married. There are deployments, long hours and the inherent risks associated with military service. However, Hajara has been my rock through it all. Her unwavering support and understanding make it easier for me to fulfill my duties. We’ve learnt to cherish the time we have together.

Hajara: The most rewarding aspect for me has been witnessing Usman’s dedication to serving our country. It’s a source of immense pride to see him in uniform. Because of him, I’m part of the close-knit army community that really rallies around you when you need them the most — the Nigerian Air Force Officers’ Wives Association (NAFOWA). The camaraderie is quite uplifting.

The government treats you well too, with perks like scholarships and affordable housing. Once in a while, you get front-row seats to the military air shows, which I always attend with my heart in my mouth when Usman is one of the pilots but is really beautiful to watch at other times. 

There are trying times too, like when he’s gone for a long time.

Usman: The last time they deployed me to a different state, we relocated together to Enugu in 2018, but then, I got an assignment outside the state three months later.

Sounds like it was a particularly tough time for you two

Usman: It was a long and challenging mission in a distant region of the country. 

Hajara: We expected the separation, but it didn’t make it any easier. It was a mission that required him to be in a remote area with limited communication for several months. The day he left, it was as if a piece of my heart went with him. 

Usman: The night before I left, we had spent the entire evening together, just the two of us. Hajara had prepared my favourite meal of suya jollof rice and dan wake, and we talked about our dreams, our goals, our future, and all the little things. But there was an underlying sadness that weighed on both of us. We’d been married for three years and hadn’t had kids yet.

Hajara: It wasn’t like we weren’t trying. We’re still trying.

Usman: She was trying her best to be strong for me, but I could see the sadness in her eyes. We held each other that night, and I could feel the depth of our love and the pain of our impending separation. She didn’t follow me to the base, but as I entered the van, I looked back one last time to see Hajara waving goodbye, tears streaming down her face. 

It was a sight that haunted me throughout the assignment.

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How do you cope with the pain of separation?

Hajara: Coping in his absence was a daily struggle. I had to adjust to a new routine and take on additional responsibilities. But what made it hardest was not being able to hear his voice or see his face for weeks on end. 

Usman: We communicated when we could, but it was infrequent, and we both understood that it was a part of the job. We even found a way to exchange handwritten letters and emails whenever possible, and phone calls became cherished moments. 

Hearing her voice and knowing she was there for me gave me the motivation to carry on.

Hajara: I also drew strength from the support of friends and fellow military families who were going through similar experiences, especially the older women. They understood the unique challenges of military life and offered a shoulder to lean on. I also stayed busy with work and volunteering. Keeping myself occupied helped distract from the loneliness and sadness.

Usman: My other trips have been easier on us. We’re emotionally stronger now.

You mentioned trying to have children?

Usman: We leave it in God’s hands, but in the meantime, we have wards we’re responsible for. We take care of them in order to seek Allah’s mercy.

Hajara: I know his parents have mentioned him taking another wife, but he knows I never wanted to be part of a polygamous home like my parents. However, the whole thing makes me anxious and his travel assignments don’t make it easier. The last time he was on an extended trip to Mali, I had a stillbirth at seven months. I’ve had six miscarriages in total, before and after that. And right now, I’m just tired.

Usman: I’m content. If Allah doesn’t want us to have children then so be it. I won’t force it then sit back and watch as my wife’s body suffers. Thankfully, we’re not the only children of our own parents.

Have you had any major fights?

Usman: Not really. We cherish every moment we get to speak when I’m away, and when I return, we’re often just so happy to be with each other for as long as we get.

Hajara: We had a major quarrel when he wanted to take another mission five months after I had that stillbirth. I was in emotional distress and couldn’t understand why he would be willing to leave me in that state. At that moment, it felt like he married the force instead of me like he wanted to escape me.

Usman: After that quarrel, I didn’t go. I stayed back with her and begged for leave from assignments on the grounds of her condition. Thanks to the rapport I had with my commanding officer, NAF gave me a more stable role in Abuja for two years. 

Nothing is more important to me than her and her well-being. Perhaps, I’ll look into transitioning to desk roles. They don’t pay as well as field, but the plan is to redirect our savings into my wife’s clothing business and branch out from there.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Usman: 10

Hajara: 9

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

NEXT: Love Life: Our Love Started in Computer Village

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Tell us how you first met

Ife: It was an even more chaotic than normal day at Computer Village in January. 

I was there to get my laptop fixed on a Saturday when I heard the news that the deadline for the use of old naira notes had come. The market was in utter chaos that day, and I couldn’t pay for the laptop they’d finished fixing. I was basically stranded, looking for a free banking hall or ATM so I could take the laptop and go home — I also needed to raise my cab fare as all my bank apps were also down. 

As I passed by a crowded electronics stall, pitying myself and making calls, I saw this guy looking frantic, trying to catch a thief who had just grabbed his phone.

Bash: It was a crazy moment. 

I was browsing through some accessories, and out of nowhere, this pickpocket tried to grab my phone. Luckily, Ife saw what happened and shouted, which caught the attention of everyone around. The thief panicked and dropped my phone, and Ife helped me pick it up.

Ife: I was impressed by Bash’s gratitude and the way he handled the situation. He couldn’t stop thanking me, and I couldn’t stop teasing him about how he almost lost his phone at the worst time possible. We exchanged numbers, and he insisted on taking me for a drink to thank me for helping him. 

Ordinarily, I would’ve said no because why am I talking to a stranger in Computer Village, but I’d not yet figured out a plan to get home, and he didn’t seem at all panicked by the lack of access to funds. 

Turns out, he was a banker and had lots of new notes.

Bash: She looked concerned, and I couldn’t just let her walk away without showing my appreciation. So I asked what was wrong. She hesitantly explained the situation with her laptop. 

We went to a nearby restaurant and planned out what to do. It was funny because she kept assuring me she wasn’t a scammer, but that had the opposite effect on me. I knew she wasn’t a fraudster, but the fact that she kept saying it only made me start second-guessing my intuition. 

Anyway, we sorted out the laptop, talked a bit more, and I helped her get home. It was in our shared cab that we realised we had a lot in common — tech, music, and even our favourite local foods.

So, your shared interests brought you closer?

Ife: Yes, definitely. But it wasn’t just the interests. Our conversation flowed naturally.

Bash: Whenever she smiled, I was just smiling back. She was witty and had a great sense of humour all the way home. That’s hard to find in women these days. It was hard not to be drawn to her.

Ife: We were out for dinner some weeks after, and he reached out to hold my hand. It was such a simple gesture, but it felt right. I remember feeling a rush of emotions.

Bash: I’d been trying to find the right moment to tell her how I felt, and when she didn’t pull her hand away, it gave me the courage to express my feelings.

Ife: I was a bit surprised when he told me he liked me but in a good way. I’d been feeling the same way, but I was nervous about admitting it. When he confessed, it felt like a weight had been lifted, and I told him that I felt the same.

Bash: It was a relief, and we both had these big smiles on our faces. From that moment on, we knew we were more than just friends.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

What challenges have you faced in your relationship so far?

Ife: One of the biggest at the time we started dating in February was our cultural differences. I’m Yoruba, and Bash is from the northern part of Nigeria, which strangely led to some misunderstandings within our families in this year 2023.

Bash: It was all subtle. We both have very traditional parents, and the events surrounding the last national elections didn’t help. But we worked through it together and made an effort to understand and respect each other’s backgrounds. 

Ife: Then, we had to do long-distance. Bashir got a job in Abuja towards the end of April, and I stayed in Lagos. So far, we’ve had to navigate the distance, trust issues, and the occasional jealousy.

Bash: We’ve made it a point to visit each other every other month, but when we’re apart, we plan fun activities together, like watching the same movies or reading the same books to stay connected.

What was your first major fight about?

Ife: Our first major fight happened because we originally planned to move to Abuja together. I work remotely, so it was convenient, but I’d never been to Abuja nor did I know anyone there.

Bash: It was a particularly stressful time. We had to find a new place to live, I was starting a new job, Ife was trying to adjust to a different city, and our relationship was still fresh. The pressure got to us.

Ife: Well, one evening, we were discussing our finances, and it got heated. We had different ideas about how to budget for the move, and we couldn’t agree on how to prioritise our spending.

Bash: I wanted to save more aggressively to ensure we had a financial cushion, which meant finding a cheaper apartment in a less central part of FCT. Ife was more focused on enjoying the process and spending on things that would make our new home comfortable right away. 

I also didn’t have the luxury of time because I had to report to the new workplace within a month.

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How did the fight play out?

Ife: It started with a disagreement, but then it escalated into a full-blown argument. We both said things we didn’t mean, and it felt like we were drifting apart.

Bash: It was frustrating because we’d never fought like that before. We were just two months in, but we were usually so good at resolving issues together. This time, we couldn’t find common ground. 

I eventually walked out. Then later, we texted each other, apologising for the harsh words.

Ife: When I got home and thought about everything that happened, I realised I didn’t want to move with him any longer. 

I mean, he got the job. He was the one who needed to move. Why was I forcing myself to join him when I’d made no such prior plans to do so for myself? Why was I so eager to tag along when we’re two separate individuals? 

It took a while to convince him that I wasn’t changing my mind because I was angry.

Bash: We had to compromise, and I ended up relocating alone. We’ve become better at listening to each other and finding compromises that work for both of us.

How long do you plan to keep the long-distance relationship up then?

Ife: For as long as is reasonably natural and until we’re ready to make that investment. It’s a big move. And it’s crazy how I was just ready to do it at the drop of a hat when the news of his new job came. I must love him a lot.

Bash: Long-distance isn’t fun. Travelling a lot also isn’t fun with all the price hikes and money scarcity. But we’re making it work for now until we’re ready to move to that stage where either of us can relocate, and we can live together.

Ife: We don’t want to pressure ourselves into jumping milestones, but we’ve also said to each other that if we haven’t moved to the same city by our first anniversary in February, we’d let each other go.

Bash: It’s just to keep each other on our toes. We don’t want to take the great effort we both put into sustaining our relationship for granted. We have a goal: find a way to literally get back together. We’re both looking for jobs in opposite cities right now.

Ife: The running inside joke is, “What if we both get really good jobs, and all we achieve is switching places?”

I forbid it for you. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Bash: 5, for obvious reasons.

Ife: That’s not fair to our love life, though. I’d say 7, at least. 

I never thought I’d even give long-distance a try. Love did that.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

RECOMMENDED: Love Life: We Bonded Over the Death of Our First Spouses

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What was your first impression of each other?

Bode: I stumbled on her Instagram page by chance in 2017 when I’d just created an account. And I thought she was so gorgeous. I knew from some of the things she wrote that she was Nigerian, and I had to try to get in touch with her.

Ann: I’d only had my own account for about five months thanks to a slightly younger friend of mine who always made an effort to stay on trend. I was barely active on Facebook, but she had me believing Instagram was the place to be if I wanted to keep up with the world.

When Bode messaged me at first, I thought, “Aha, the creeps have come.” But I took the time to read his introduction, and it was well-crafted and poetic. I had to respond.

Bode: Immediately I got to find out we were in the same city, I set up a meeting — a date, really. And the rest they say is history.

How did this first “meeting” go?

Bode: Splendidly. We found out that it’s truly a small world, and on top of that, we had a lot in common.

Ann: Starting with the fact that he and my mum were from the same Egba town in Ogun state, and we’d both recently lost our spouses. 

His first wife died about a year before from breast cancer, and I lost my husband to a botched hip surgery four months before I met Bode. In fact, I’d only just decided to overcome the grief when I read his DM. After our first meeting, I felt guilty for days because it felt like such a huge betrayal to my husband’s memory to talk to another guy who wasn’t a friend.

Bode: We took a break for about a month before we talked again, and I told her I liked her a lot. I told her I wanted to take care of her and help her heal properly.

Ann: We had this long phone conversation where he told me all about how his wife passed, what it was like for him and what helped him recover. All I did was bawl my eyes out during that call, but it was also healing for me. It was some kind of therapy, and I appreciated that he was bold enough to initiate that kind of conversation with me. 

All my friends did was pretend the death never happened, even pretend that Ezekiel never existed, just so they don’t upset me. But I needed that good cry, and Bode did that for me.

So you decided to start seeing each other?

Ann: Yes. 

I was sad for a while after that call. But then, I was happy again and much lighter. And Bode was through my door with a basket of fruits, wine and baked goods the next morning. We had a pseudo picnic on the floor of my living room.

Bode: We talked for a while, about her family, about church, about how far apart we lived. Both our kids were mostly adults by then, and out of the house for college or work. She only had one son who had less than two more years left in high school. Now, he’s long gone, far away in Sydney.

Ann: From that day on, we became each other’s companions as Bode was nearing retirement. 

My friends were a little concerned at first because it was a rule for us to be careful around people who were complete strangers. We always had to befriend or date a friend of a friend of a friend, even if there were 1,000 friends between us. As long as someone somewhere knew the person, or at least, were coworkers or church mates. You can never be too safe in the US of A. But because Bode lived on the other side of the city, no one in my circle could vouch for him, and that made my people concerned. 

I decided to take that risk, and six years on, I don’t regret it. He’s fully integrated into my group now.

It’s been six years? Will there be wedding bells anytime soon?

Bode: It’s something we talk about time and time again, but we may never do it.

Ann: The memories of our spouses are still very much in our relationship today. We owe it to ourselves to completely heal from that before embarking on such a pivotal journey with each other. We’re taking it easy with separate and joint therapy and really just want to take this relationship at its natural pace.

Bode: Age might not be on our side, but we already had the marriage of our youth, so we’re not in a hurry.

Her separation from her husband was also quite rough. She didn’t get to have closure like I did. I spent years nursing Funmi, so there was plenty of time to let go and come to terms with the finality of her absence. 

For Ann, one moment he was in through the theatre doors to undergo a pretty routine procedure, the next? 

Ann: It was completely unexpected. I didn’t get to say goodbye. There were way too many things left unsaid. That’s a lot of baggage to bring into a new marriage.

Bode: I’ve had closure, but I haven’t quite let go of my wife either. Not sure I ever will. Her photos are everywhere.

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Would you then consider your current relationship romantic given the situation?

Bode: It’s very romantic. Trust me.

Ann: It’s a little unconventional, I know. We don’t live together, and we aren’t necessarily dating to get married, but everything else is romantic. We are the most important people to each other. Sometimes, I imagine I value him even more than my children. He’s my confidant and companion, and he makes me happy in other ways too.

Bode: The intimacy is very strong between us, and I’m grateful for that. There’s something we always do and that’s organise surprises on special days. It’s like a competition now. 

Since the day we got together, I’ve felt like I’ve entered a new lease on life.

How do your kids feel about your relationship?

Ann: My kids are super supportive, but they’re also mostly absent. 

I have four boys. They all left the house during college. My husband and I got a mortgage in a city that isn’t exactly prime commercial U.S. Every young soul is going to Dallas or Silicon. Let them go make money. I don’t think my boys care who I share my bed with.

Bode: I tell you, it’s girls that care about their parents. 

I have two boys and a girl, and after all my “I want sons. I want sons,” who stops by to check that I’ve not passed away in my sleep? Even if it’s just for the small inheritance they may get after, can’t they show concern? I only see all my kids on Christmas Day, but my daughter comes over at least three other times during the year, and I appreciate her for it. 

They’ve all met and adore Ann. What’s not to adore?

Ann: Honestly, I don’t know what’s more heartbreaking, being dumped by a significant other or by your own children. 

These days, I find myself calling home to speak with my parents — yep, they’re still alive — because now, I feel bad for having left them in Nigeria for greener pastures here. My only sister is in the U.K. as well. It must’ve been so hard on them. 

Sorry to digress. In summary, our kids are generally good sports about us being together.

Bode: The only time my eldest showed concern was when I sold the house I’d only just finished covering the mortgage on, to buy a smaller one closer to Ann. He raised eyebrows over FaceTime when that happened, but then, he casually said, “Well, it’s your life, Dad. I hope she makes you happy.” His flippant tone was the worst thing ever. 

Kids will break your heart, mark my words.

OMG. Have you two had a major fight yet?

Bode: Of course. We’ve fought over politics most of all. She’s a lot more conservative Republican than I am, and a lot less concerned about what’s happening in Nigeria. So it’s either I’m too understanding of the ongoing gender and sexuality topic, not Christian enough or I get too worked up over a country neither of us have been to in decades.

Ann: He’s American, born and bred, and only visited Lagos a couple of summers when he was a teenager and his grandmother was keen on seeing more of him. I actually lived in Nigeria up until I was 16. So I don’t get why he acts more concerned than the pope. Especially since there’s little either of us can do about the state of things there.

Bode: Who knows? We won’t know if we don’t talk about it.

Anyway, we also fought over therapy once. 

Ann: In 2021, our psychologist concluded that his casual drinking was becoming more insistent because it’s been his grief coping mechanism for too long. He stubbornly insisted he was no longer in grief, so why would he need alcohol to cope? 

I could see that she was right, but he couldn’t. It frustrated me because he was beginning to drink a lot and at odd hours of the day. Maybe he’d started thinking about his wife more, but he wouldn’t open up to me and kept insisting he was fine. 

Eventually, the whole thing blew up, and we had our biggest argument yet. It left me in tears. However, we came out of it knowing we weren’t trying to hurt each other. It was a hard period for us that lasted some weeks, but we were able to work through his feelings together, and that only strengthened our relationship.

Bode: I couldn’t have said any of that better myself.

I have no idea if I actually missed my wife or if it was just general disillusionment about life, but it was great to have a support system in Ann at that time.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Bode: 10/10

Ann: Same. You came at the perfect time. You’re my Godsend.

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NEXT UP: Love Life: We’ve Drifted Apart, but Can’t Break Our Engagement

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you meet each other?

Tolani: We met during NYSC in 2012. We joined the NEMA CDS group at the same time and made friends with each other and a couple of other members. Then we all started attending the meetings in a group and checking up on each other at our PPAs. 

We didn’t start dating immediately. Her eyes were on some other guy in the CDS group who wasn’t part of our group of friends. They got close at a point and then I stopped seeing them together.

Praise-el: I realised the guy wasn’t serious at all. All he did was smoke weed. I got closer to Tolani after I cut the guy off, and we ended up becoming closer than the rest of our group because our corper lodges were in the same area.

Tolani: Then we went into an everlasting talking stage where I tried to take things to the next level countlessly, and she remained non-committal.

Praise-el: After I got strung along by the first guy, I got it into my head that people only look for flings during NYSC. Most people were trying to have as much sex as possible so that they could return to their home states and actual lives without strings attached. 

I thought Tolani was the same, and I’m not the kind of person who can date for fun. Maybe if we were both serving in a state we both lived in, I would’ve been more open. I actually liked him from the start, but he lived in Lagos while I lived in Kaduna. I didn’t see a future for us outside NYSC.

That makes sense, but how did your relationship advance?

Tolani: I was persistent, so we stayed in contact after passing out in October 2012. Three months later, she moved to Lagos for a job. By then, I was her closest friend in town, so we started hanging out a lot, and she found a community in my circle of friends. 

At first, I wanted us to stay friends because I was still sore from her constant rebuffs during NYSC. But once we hung out, I realised I still liked her a lot and hadn’t had my eyes on anyone else in a while.

Praise-el: I have that effect on people. 

I started liking him way more too, and really wanted him to ask me out again. He was a smart, serious-minded person and that sort of thing always attracts me. He was also really charming, so actually I wasn’t sure if he liked me at that point or if it was just his usual charm that made him nice to me. However, I couldn’t ask him because I couldn’t let go of the idea that a man must always ask a woman out.

Tolani: Sometime in March, I got a really good job with an FMCG that works closely with her company. We were both in entry roles, but we were able to help each other with information to meet targets that got us confirmed to junior positions in a few months. That really helped us get closer.

Praise-el: We got our confirmation letters within a month of each other. It was crazy. Our friends took us out to celebrate, and it was on my way home, as he walked me out to get a cab, that he asked me to be his girlfriend. I just said okay. 

It was later we realised that it was almost two years after we met for the first time in January 2012.

And what was dating like after this?

Praise-el: Honestly, nothing much changed. We didn’t even start having sex until we’d decided we’d get married.

Tolani: We were already very close friends who had the same friends and work-related relationships. So it was just more of hanging out and way more calls to check in on each other. Also, we spent more time in each other’s houses. I still lived with my parents at the time, but she had her own apartment she shared with a colleague, so we were there a lot.

Praise-el: It became his second house, but we mostly moved out of it to attend events and other activities. 

I heard something about deciding to marry

Tolani: We started talking marriage very early on. It started with plans to launch a start-up. We both studied finance and discovered our shared interest in being entrepreneurs during our early conversations. 

When I went to her place for the first time, I saw copies of books like Rich Dad Poor Dad, Outliers and different company biographies lying around. A black-and-white cover of Losing My Virginity comes to mind. We started talking about wealth and building successful businesses, and it just became a passion we shared.

Praise-el: You’re probably wondering how that led to marriage talks. We talked about being business partners, but we were dating, so I think he was like it’d be great if we were life partners first. It sounded romantic at the time.

Tolani: We decided to get married during the first month or so, but I don’t think at that time we thought we’d be married after five months.

Praise-el: Our careers were going well, and we had a lot of job security. In less than two years of working, I already had a sizable savings. I wasn’t privy to his finances at the time, but I knew we were both self-sufficient. 

Our relationship was going strong because we’d synergise for work. We’d help each other with contacts, connects and even gossip that was useful for company politics. We also had our parents’ network helping us both career-wise, signing references required to get some contracts and so on.

Tolani: Then we had sex for the first time, and Praise-el woke up the next morning, saying we should tell our parents we want to get married and go to Ikoyi Registry ASAP. I was in tears like “What the fuck?” 

She wasn’t joking.

Praise-el: I put my dad on the phone while we were still in bed and told him that Tolani wanted to tell him something.

OMG. That sounds like a lot of pressure

Tolani: It was. I just told him I wanted to come see him soon. 

We went to Kaduna the following week. We took time off work and spent a long weekend with them. At first, I was sure I wouldn’t tell them anything about marriage — not because I didn’t want to marry her but because I felt we had all the time in the world to do it. But on the Sunday night before we had to leave for Lagos, I changed my mind. 

Praise-el: I didn’t pressure him. I just think we had a lot of time to just relax together and have conversations. We talked about just getting the wedding out of the way so we could focus on building wealth and launching the business and raising our kids together, basically being in each other’s dream chasing origin stories.

Tolani: I believed in her and us. 

That night, I took a drive into town alone, called my own parents to tell them, and my dad was just laughing at me. They sha gave their blessings, so I spoke with her parents the next morning before we left. It was nerve-wracking but it also made me feel proud of myself for crossing such a definitive milestone.

Praise-el: I’m an only child and when I was younger, I used to tell my parents I didn’t want to get married, so they were quite relieved and happy for me. They promised to make the trip to Lagos for the court wedding when we were ready.

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Was it just a court wedding ceremony?

Praise-el: No, we had a traditional wedding about three weeks later. Court weddings are just sharp and low-maintenance, so we just wanted to get that out of the way. But there was no way in hell his parents were going to let their second son go without Yoruba fanfare. 

My parents on the other hand had separated themselves from our hometown a long time ago. We never even visit our village or relate too closely with our relatives because according to my parents, they can be diabolical. So we didn’t go there. I only invited some of my aunts and uncles.

Tolani: We also did a church thanksgiving after the court wedding, but no white wedding. At that point, we felt very “married” and didn’t feel like we needed further ceremony to establish that.

Praise-el: Especially since we were also in the middle of a two-month long house hunt. I didn’t know it would get a thousand times worse in the future, but getting a decent place to stay in Lagos is the ghetto. Apparently, we were asking for too much in terms of the area we wanted to live in so we had to change locations and living specifications.

Tolani: We had to live in a hotel for about two weeks because we didn’t want to stay in my parents’ house or her one room after we’d done the traditional wedding. We’d been living separately since the court wedding and we didn’t want to continue that either.

Anyway, that was the worst decision we could ever make.

How so?

Tolani: It was expensive. Our savings took a big dent. But also, reverting from that to packing into our new home, unpacking and settling into normal living was jarring. There’s no room service at home.

Praise-el: Also, living in a hotel for that long wasn’t ideal. It gave the first few weeks of our marriage a weird transient vibe. I think the fact that everything happened so quickly didn’t help. When we finally unpacked everything and started settling into our new life together, there was a lot of friction. 

Tolani: We were both so stressed. Don’t forget that we were both still going to work throughout this period. We only got a two-week break. So there was work pressure too. I remember that we didn’t even have sex for the first two to three months of our marriage.

Praise-el: I remember crying a lot and needing a shoulder but also realising I couldn’t go to my parents because I didn’t want them to think I was questioning my decision. I also didn’t want to go to any of my friends because most of them were his too, and I also didn’t want them knowing I had any issues so early into it that they’d mistakenly use against us later on in life. It wasn’t like I didn’t love him anymore or had any form of regret. I was just overwhelmed. It’s hard to explain.

Tolani: It was just growing pains, I think.

Praise-el: We’d fight over the smallest things. I was always so heated up like I needed to drain some energy from my veins or something.

I’m so sorry. It sounds so hard. How did you make things work?

Tolani: Eventually, the stress eased, and we just fell into a healthy space of getting used to each other and talking things out.

Praise-el: Something that really helped was finally getting the album of photos from our traditional wedding. Seeing those physical evidences of our joining and how good we looked together, how happy everyone was to celebrate us was strangely validating. The memory of us sitting alone together in the living room of our very first apartment together, turning those big pages, is stuck in my heart. There was no light so we were even sweating.

Tolani: Yeah, the ventilation in that house was bad. I like that we sorted things out between us without needing to involved external parties. That set the tone for how we deal with things between us. 

Praise-el: And remembering the vision that led us to marriage in the first place, working towards that goal of building wealth and starting our business. Once we started thinking about that and really making plans, it was easy for romance to come alive again. There was something to look forward to and be excited about.

So is it just about career for you? 

Tolani: I won’t say “just”. It might be what keeps us going but every relationship has their version of that. For some, it’s chemistry, children, shared interests, ministry. Most people don’t even have a unifying goal, and that’s why I think many relationships and marriages fade away after a while. For us, it’s building a company that stands the test of time just like all the amazing companies we’ve worked for all our lives.

Praise-el: And the realisation that we’re both capable of making this happen alone or together makes us very happy to be together. Two good heads a better than one after all. Our focus on money making has also made a lot of other things easier for us: maintaining a certain standard of life we aspired towards, giving our three children the kind of education we wished we had, we even have hobbies now, and romance is much easier after you’ve focused on career and making money — or how did Davido put it.

Tolani: We’re not where we want to be financially yet, but we’ve come a long way. And sometimes, when I look back I’m so proud of us. One thing I want to add about getting married right away is now that we’re making a lot of money we don’t have to second guess whether we still like each other or it’s just money that’s making us pretend. There’s not much room for ego because we struggled together to get here and we’re both earning almost equally.

And have you started the dream company yet?

Tolani: Not yet. But it’s coming. 

Praise-el: We’ve spent the last year courting early-stage investors, so it’s closer than ever. It’s a consumer goods manufacturing and distribution. We’re finalising manufacturing sources and distribution channels, due diligence, compliance and all that. It’s a huge risk we’re taking but it’s been a decade in the making so we trust we’ve done all our homework.

Tolani: There’s the lobbying involved as well. This is still Nigeria, a rough landscape for businesses. Thankfully, a person like Tinubu is in power now, so things will make sense soon enough.

I pray so. What was your first major fight about?

Tolani: We haven’t really had any. There was one time we fought about our house space. She’d started keeping her clothes in the guest bedroom because our wardrobe was too small for both of us, so one day, she just lashed out about how I couldn’t even notice that we’d outgrown our apartment. This was sometime in 2017. 

Praise-el: It wasn’t really a fight though. Most of our arguments are about the children. Either frustrations with their nannies or disagreements over something to do with their school.

Tolani: We argue about work-related gist too sha.

Praise-el: That’s right. It’s also not a piece of cake trying to build a business with your spouse. You can’t just say no, you have to coat it with explanation and mangae communication so it doesn’t ever feel like you’re taking them for granted. Thankfully, our business mentors help out on that front.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Praise-el: 8

Tolani: 8

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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