• Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.


    Truth or Dare is a very popular game in the Nigerian party scene. From birthday bashes to house parties, Truth or Dare always makes an appearance, especially when horny Nigerian men are involved.

    So, we decided to speak to Truth or Dare to find out how it feels about inadvertently becoming the go-to game for turning a simple party into a den of iniquity.

    Zikoko: It’s great to have you here.

    Truth or Dare: [yawns] Thanks for having me.

    You seem tired. Are you okay?

    With the number of house parties I’ve been to this month alone, how will I not be tired?

    House parties ke? We are in the middle of a panini.

    Do your fellow Nigerians know that? It’s like they think corona didn’t do crossover service with them. They’ve just been throwing parties up and down, and they are even hornier than ever — I didn’t think that was possible.

    LMAO. It can’t be that bad now.

    Honestly, someone should have warned me about Nigeria. If I had known your men were this horny, I would have stayed away. When my fellow party games were being deployed to foreign countries, I would have never agreed to be deployed to Nigeria at all.

    Seriously? Why are Nigerian men so horny? Why have they turned an innocent game like me into an opportunity to fornicate?

    You, innocent? Truth or Dare, abeg. We know your gist.

    This is the problem. Anything Nigerians touch like this, it becomes corrupt. They abuse it, overwork it, and alter its life’s purpose. I am a living example.

    I mean, look at me. People in other countries use me to discover fun truths about their friends and dare strangers to dance, but let me be brought into a Nigerian party, and it becomes Sodom and Gomorrah in seconds.

    The first person always pretends to have sense, daring someone to do something basic, but by the second or third person, you’re already hearing “Tunde, we dare you to touch Amaka’s breasts.”

    Ah. Do you remember when this started?

    It’s all I’ve ever known. Nigerian men have always been horny, and I am just one of the many avenues they use to express it. Even 30+ men want to use me to see the colour of Ada’s pant. At your big age, pant is exciting you?

    LMAO. You’ve really been through a lot.

    What I want to know is why do Nigerians hate openly talking about sex, yet want to make EVERYTHING sexual? And why are they using me to carry out their agenda?

    It’s almost like there’s no escape. Even when someone chooses Truth, the next thing they hear is: “Oya tell us your favourite sex position” or “Do you like doggy?” Whyyyy?

    This is not what I signed up for. Do they ever pause to think that when they ask Funmi, who is clearly uncomfortable, to remove her bra, it makes me feel like a pervert?

    When the babe now refuses, they will start calling her childish. You that you need a party game — that was made for kids — to see a woman’s bra, are you the adult? Nonsense.

    I—

    I’m sorry I’m ranting. I’ve just really needed to vent.

    That’s fair, but certainly, there must be some Nigerians who don’t misuse you.

    Oh please. Have you ever been to a Nigerian party? I hate to say it, but Nigerians would fornicate at a wake-keep if they could. Just let someone bring me in, and the next thing you know, Michael has dared Femi to press the dead body’s breasts.

    By the way, why are Nigerian men so obsessed with breasts? Is it a cultural thing? I am genuinely worried when I see how they jump at any opportunity to grope, squeeze, or fondle breasts. Were y’all deprived of breasts as children?

    That’s an unfair generalisation.

    Well, Nigerian men have been unfair to me too.

    Do you see a way out of this?

    Honest truth? The Nigerian government should have just banned fornication instead of cryptocurrency. Or maybe put people in horny jail or something. A lot of people would sit up.

    Nigerians are naturally overzealous, now imagine this overzealousness being applied to horniness and fornication. It’s almost like fornication will go out of existence the way Nigerians go at it.

    Do you want Zikoko to file a petition to the government?

    This government? Please. Even your government heads usually bring me into their parties. Imagine it, Truth or Dare for corrupt and aged political figures.

    The things those old men use me for. Believe me, the corruption in this country is a natural resource. Like crude oil. It flows from the leaders and reaches the people below.

    So what do you think is the way out?

    Uneasy lies the Truth or Dare that comes to Nigeria. That’s what I have learned. Right now, all I hope for is the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    As for fornication and horniness in Nigeria, that is something I cannot change. It is simply beyond my power


    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.


  • Are you sad that you’ll be alone this Valentine? Well, worry no more. Follow our steps and cause trouble for other people too.

    If you will be single, then it should not be only you. Everybody must collect.

    1. If you are a woman, call their babe and tell her to leave your man alone.

    Or you can text her and switch your phone off afterwards. She will ask her man angrily and he will vex that she does not trust him enough. Next thing, they will do Malcolm and Marie for each other, only this time, it will end in tears.

    You, 1 – Relationship People, 0.

    2. If you know their family house, go there and gossip.

    As soon as you see the parents, tell them that their son is out there distributing his sperm without any consideration for his future. They will be shocked that their son is a cheerful giver, and they will lock him inside on Valentine’s Day. Romantic plans don damage.

    You, 2 – Relationship People, 0.

    NB: Dress like a good person sha. That way, they will not release dog on you.

    3. Are you into surprise packages? Mix up the love notes.

    Give Kike’s note to Ginika, and Michael’s note to Habeeb. Shebi they want their love life to be exciting? Oya nau, let them excite themselves into breaking up.

    You, 3 – Relationship People, 0.

    4. Are you an online clothes vendor? Send the wrong size.

    It’s kuku what you’re good at doing, so it should not be hard for you. When the recipient calls to say that there has been a mix-up, tell them that you’re only following their partner’s orders, and maybe it was their partners who mixed up the names of the person who should be getting the outfit.

    You, 4 – Relationship People, 0.

    5. You can even seduce one partner.

    Hear me out. You’ll fix date and time to fornicate. And then you’ll invite their other half too, but you won’t let them know. The other half will enter while the first half is on top or under you. Whew chile, the hot mess that will happen.

    You, 5 – Relationship People, 0.

    6. Or maybe use juju.

    Your mates are using juju to better their lives, but look at you, about to use juju to scatter people’s relationships. YAS QUEEN! Me I’m a professional evildoer so this is the one I highly recommend. DESTROY THAT RELATIONSHIP. TEAR IT LIKE AN OLD NEWSPAPER.

    You, 6 – Relationship People, 0.

    I must warn you though. Me that gave you this advice, I will not be trying any one out of it because I don’t have the liver. If you decide to go ahead and try it, toh, anything your eyes see, take it like that.


  • If you think your parents gave birth to you because they actually love you that much, you should think again. This post exposes the untold reasons for Nigerian parents’ desire for children.

    We have no cause to lie to you.

    1. So that people will not say they don’t have children.

    Image result for nigerian baby

    For real, Nigerian parents are not concerned that people will say they lack every other thing. Children is where they draw the line. They don’t want people to call them by their first name. They want to be Mummy and Daddy of So-so.

    2. So that they can boast without being asked.

    Nigerian parents want to use their children to earn bragging rights. It’s why they shout at you when you say you’re working online or from home. How will they announce to the general public that their son or daughter finished with a strong 2:1, has a Masters, a PhD, and is now a Doctor of Medicine at LUTH?

    3. So they can have an unpaid househelp.

    You, in heaven: I’m coming to this world to enjoy my life.

    Your Nigerian parents: Heavenly Father, we thank you for the gift of a househelp that does not require monetary compensation.

    4. So they can have a powerless party to vent all their frustrations on.

    Nigerian parents will be insulted by touts, policemen, bosses, yet they will keep quiet. But let them get home and see that you’re too happy with the food you are eating.

    Wahala.

    5. So they can practice their pastoral aspirations on someone who will not accuse them of being unspiritual.

    Did they even born you well to say that their prayers are not scriptural? You will chop unscriptural flogging, my dear.

    6. So they can collect plenty foodstuff when it’s time for wedding.

    Image result for eru iyawo for introduction

    Why else do you think they ask for so many yams and fruits? You have now entered the second phase of your life as a glorified meal ticket. Even if your parents don’t eat it, the extended family members will do.

    7. As an unpaid teacher who will bring them up to date with trends.

    If your parents have never phoned to ask you what a slang means, you don’t know what God has done for you.

    8. So they can be hyped everyday.

    Image result for sola sobowale warning

    God help you if don’t give the required compliment and hyping when your mother (or father) asks you what you think about their outfit.

    9. To have someone they can report to when their other half refuses to listen to them.

    And you too, you will nod and say, “Yes ma, I will talk to him.” LEEMAO.

    10. To have someone they will force to gist with them.

    This is hilarious to see. You will just be on your own and they will barge in and sit on your bed. Next thing, “Come and gist me.”

    Gist you about what, please? Mummy please leave my room. I cannot gist you something that you will use against me in the future.

    11. Because they need someone to borrow money from without paying back.

    For real, has any Nigerian parent ever returned any money they borrowed from their children?

    12. And finally, as a retirement plan.

    Image result for sola sobowale ali baba dancing

    Nigerian parents partying and refusing to work because they know their children will take care of them in their old age.

    And honestly, are they wrong?


    How To Let Your Nigerian Parents Know That You Have Grown Wings


  • According to the National Bureau of Inaccurate Statistics, partners often tend to ghost on Valentine’s Day. A lot of people are often caught unawares, thereby leading to severe heartbreak. To prevent you from being caught unawares by an occurrence like this, we present to you 11 signs that will help you know if your partner is about to ghost you on Valentine’s Day.

    1. They no longer pick on the first ring.

    What are they doing that they cannot pick on the first ring? If you cannot read the deeper meaning in this gesture, then we are sorry for you oh.

    2. They have started picking your call on the first ring.

    This is a sign that you now irritate them and they want to be done with you as quick as possible. We hate to break it to you, but listen, you’re probably going to be alone this Valentine’s Day.

    3. They have changed the colour of their love emoji.

    What this means is that the romance has changed. Open your eyes and face the bitter truth of the matter!

    4. They’ve reduced the number of emojis they use when they chat with you.

    Reduction in emoji = reduction in intensity of affection. By the time Valentine comes, there will be nothing left.

    5. They now call you by your government name.

    This is a perfect way to say that you no longer mean something to them. Walahi talahi, you will be so ghosted on Valentine’s Day ehn.

    6. They’ve started calling you affectionate pet names.

    What happened to your government name? Hmm, they want to deceive you with sweet names so it can be easy to escape. Better don’t fall for that scam.

    7. They’re asking you what you want for Valentine.

    WHY?? Every reasonable partner knows that the secret ingredient of Valentine is surprise. This one they are asking you, we hope you know what it means?

    8. They are not asking you what you want for Valentine.

    Of course they have plans to go meet someone else. Alexa, play “Ghost Mode” by Phyno and Olamide.

    9. They are eager to have sex with you.

    With Valentine close by, it’s definitely one for the road sex. Don’t agree. If you do it, you’ll receive orgasm+ghosting. Ghostgasm.

    10. They are not interested in having sex.

    What other proof do you need that they are about to ghost?

    11. They are excited about Valentine’s day.

    Valentine that they have been celebrating since they were old enough to spell. Why are they still excited? Listen, it’s not the valentine that is making them excited, it’s the thought of ghosting you.

    12. They are not excited about Valentine’s day.

    Oh you poor baby, do we still have to spell out the obvious? YOUR PARTNER IS ABOUT TO GHOST YOU!


  • Every Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to show your lover how much more you care for them. Yes, showing love to your babe should be an everyday thing, but for the one day dedicated specially to being romantic, you need to go to the extra mile.

    Here are 5 romantic things you should do with your babe this Valentine.

    1. Go on a romantic date.

    Enjoy each other’s company afresh on Valentine’s Day. Thankfully, it is a Sunday. There’s no rush. Just complete bliss.

    black-couple-on-date | Zikoko!

    2. See a movie together.

    We suggest doing this at home. It makes the atmosphere even more romantic. Select a nice movie to watch and cuddle up with a glass of wine.

    Black Netflix movies you need to add to your watch list! - Flipboard

    3. Play games together.

    There’s nothing that eases tension more than this. And you can even introduce a nicer twist by making the loser do whatever you want.

    Happy black couple playing video game, woman covering boyfriend eyes photo  by Prostock-studio on Envato Elements

    4. Surprise each other with thoughtful gifts.

    What do you think your babe will really treasure? Get that very gift. It shows that you have been paying attention to them.

    Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Eniola Badmus Releases Valentine Inspired Photos  For Her Fans...

    5. Declare your love with a romantic song.

    Valentine is the season of romance, so you must go all out in declaring your love. For this, we recommend the song, ‘Me & You‘ by Demixxx. The song is a catchy Afro- Fusion Pop with lyrics that are sure to make your lover swoon.

    Download and stream ‘Me & You’ here: ‘Me & You by Demixxx

    Demixx Single Release Online.jpg

  • Bread is a common food here in Nigeria. We eat bread with almost everything from spreads to beans to akara and anything that tastes just good.

    But if we had to rank these breads in order of taste and popularity, which one is likely to rank first?

    We’ll tell you.

    6. Coconut bread

    The first time I tasted this, it wasn’t what I was expecting. Sure, it tastes good, but there’s just something about it that made me know there’d be no repeat purchase for me, unless my craving called for it. Also, the coconut kept flaking and just made a mess everywhere. Abeg dear. I cannot be sweeping floor because I ate bread.

    5. Sardine bread

    I honestly feel like this bread promises a lot but delivers very little. Because how can such a large loaf have just a tiny sardine in it? Why not just buy bread and sardine separately so you can enjoy it properly? That’s how I see it sha.

    4. Wheat bread

    Wheat bread will always be that bread I have mixed feelings about. On one hand, it’s very nutritious and works well for dietary needs. On the other hand, the taste is quite a roadblock. But if you get used to it, you’re in for the good life. Take it from me.

    3. Bread rolls

    This for me is perfection. It is exquisite in taste and very appealing. It’s the kind you eat many rolls in one sitting without paying too much attention. A test of self-control.

    2. Banana bread

    This is one good thing that came out of the lockdown. Yes, it has been in existence for a while, but the lockdown just ‘amplified’ it. In taste, it ranks high for me. It’s deeply satisfying to eat, and it bangs hard with yoghurt or very creamy tea.

    1. White bread

    There’s a space reserved for kings and this bread will always be found there. Do you think it’s possible for one bread to have so much fan love and relevance? White bread will always be THAT bread. No other bread comes close.



  • Lately, on Twitter, there’s this trend where someone tweets a sentence in the English language and then provides an English word that captures what that sentence would sound like if spoken by Ibadan people.

    Language really is a funny thing. These ten tweets prove that.

    PS: You’ll need an Ibadan person, or a Yoruba person, to read these tweets to you.

    1. Insubordination

    I imagine them screaming this at each other during a political meeting.

    2. In-law

    The market woman when you ask her if she can blend your pepper for you.

    3. Incisor

    https://twitter.com/BiyiThePlug/status/1356197401623752706

    Imagine an Ibadan happening babe saying this in defence of herself.

    This is the picture in my head:

    4. Emergency

    I’M IN TEARS!

    5. Intermediary

    When you ask an Ibadan tech bro if he has ever sold media.

    6. Ammunition

    Ibadan people telling you how they caught a criminal.

    7. Joe Biden

    LMAO y’all are out of pocket for this.

    8. Injury

    😭 😭 😭

    9. Injudicial

    It’s the twerking for me 😭

    10. Indomie

    This is where I draw the line, please. I might need to contest for a political post in Ibadan someday. 😭


  • As told to Kunle Ologunro

    Weeks ago, I was intrigued by the notion of being initiated into witchcraft through food, so I put out a call for stories. I honestly thought I wouldn’t get any responses because, really, who would boldly come out to say they had been initiated?

    But I did get stories: people who had eerie dreams after eating food offered to them by classmates, people whose housemaids confessed to being witches. It was by far the scariest and most exhilarating thing I have ever written.

    And then I got this DM from a lady who had a witchcraft story to share. No, she didn’t eat food offered to her by a stranger, neither did her housemaid confess. Instead, she was accused of causing her uncle’s sickness. What happened next is an experience I don’t think anyone should go through.

    TWAbuse.


    My name is *Linda, and I’m from Oron in Akwa Ibom State. I am the fifth of the six children my mother gave birth to. Not long after my mother had the last child, my father abandoned her, and she was faced with the burden of providing for six children alone. As a way to lighten the burden, I was sent to Lagos to stay with my uncle, my mother’s only brother.

    My life in Lagos was fine. My uncle was a senior staff at NNPC. He enrolled me in a private school and took care of me like I was his child. The only problem was his wife. She treated me like the typical Nollywood evil stepmother, but I didn’t let that get to me. I’d come from a place where basic necessities were hard to come by. But here I was in Lagos, enrolled in school and living well. I wasn’t going to let her treatment get to me.

    But then I turned seven, and my uncle became sick. It started gradually: dry cough, rashes and all. They took him to several hospitals yet there was no improvement whatsoever. Back then, TB Joshua was the trend and his church (the old site) was very close to us, so they took him there. He was given a handkerchief and special plates, but he never got better.

    Instead, he became leaner. Then, they took him to another church around Ikotun Egbe. The pastor and some members of the church came to our house to pray. It was during their prayers that they told my uncle’s wife that I was a witch and that I and my grandmother, who was 70 at that time and was suffering from dementia, were responsible for my uncle’s sickness.

    The next day, my uncle’s wife came to pick me up from school and took me to that same church. I was there for over a week. I wasn’t given any food, just water and olive oil to drink. Every morning, the pastor would flog me and ask me to confess. I was innocent, but he wanted a confession from me, so I started making up stories from the movies I had seen just so they would let me go.

    Fortunately, one of the family’s bigger cousins heard what was happening, so he stormed the church and took me away. I stayed with him for a few weeks before his wife also drove me away saying I was a witch because I was very inquisitive. I had to return to Akwa Ibom.

    If you’re from Akwa Ibom or you’ve been to Akwa Ibom, I’m sure you’ve heard stories or seen young boys and girls, who were driven away from their homes all in the name of witchcraft, roaming the streets. It happens in Oron where I am from, and it is still very much in existence today. In fact, it is a common thing in my village to murder people who are perceived to be witches or wizards.

    Because of what happened in Lagos, I was branded as a witch, and my Uncles wanted to kill me. There is something they give to those who are perceived to be witches. It’s believed that if the person isn’t a witch, they would eat and vomit it, and if the person is, eating it would would kill them. But our bodies are different, and that stuff has killed many innocent people. When they gave me to eat, I vomited, and they concluded that I was a “strong witch.”

    Very early the next morning, my mother smuggled me out and took me to one church. From there, I was taken to a home for kids who were driven away by their parents. The home is disguised as an orphanage, but it really isn’t. I can’t mention the name because so many kids are still there. The home is located in Abia state and the founder goes about picking up street kids. She often travels to Akwa Ibom to get these kids that were driven out of their homes; she brings them back to her orphanage where she cleans them up and gives them out to those looking for house helps for a specific amount.

    I stayed at this ‘orphanage’ for a couple of weeks and then I was ‘sold’ to a couple whose children were all abroad. In the one year I was there, I was abused continuously by my adopted father. I eventually ran away and went back to the orphanage where I was scolded and resold to another couple who wanted a house help. I stayed there for six years, started and finished my secondary school there, and eventually ran away when one of their older sons started abusing me sexually.

    After I left, I stayed with a few friends I made on Facebook, started working, and was able to save some money to further my education. I’m currently a student of the University of Benin.

    And now, here’s the most surprising part: last year, I discovered that my uncle actually died of AIDS.


  • We heard that you want to japa. Toh, we are happy for you oh, but we know how you like to put your mouth in what does not concern you, so we decided to warn you about some of the things you will see in obodo oyinbo.

    1. Gay people are there oh. Do you still want to go?

    7 Times This Jide Kosoko Meme Made Us Laugh - KRAKS

    Do you really want to go to a country where gay people will be kissing on the road? Are you sure you will not go blind if you see them like this? Better stay in Nigeria where such a thing cannot happen.

    2. Hmm, oyinbo women wear bum short to the market oh.

    Jide Kosoko Surprised | CuratedMemes

    How will you now survive like this, you that you always call women ashewo and believe that bum short is why they rape women? Are you sure you will not land in oyinbo jail like this?

    3. Omo, there are feminists abroad oh.

    Not just ordinary feminists, we mean feminists that believe the patriarchy should die by fire. Will you still survive like this, seeing how patriarchy is the air you inhale and exhale.

    4. That abroad you want to go, hmm, some people don’t believe in God oh.

    All Hail The Nigerian Lord Of The Memes | by DigiEngage Nigeria |  DigiEngage | Medium

    Will you not tell them that they will go to hell fire like this? Shebi you kuku know that you like to say things nobody sent you. Anyway, if it leads to fighting and they deport you, it’s holy deportation. Afterall, you’re doing spiritual work.

    5. They are very pro-choice abroad oh.

    You sef, why would you want to go to that kind of country? Better stay in Nigeria where they don’t do that kind of thing. Nigeria the holy of holies, the place where the angels will start marking heavenly attendance.

    6. Abroad can corrupt you oh.

    IGBOLABI - Yoruba Movies 2020 New Release | New Yoruba Movies 2020 latest  this week - YouTube

    You’ll drink their water now, next thing you know, you have started doing everything they are doing there. You that you are a person of culture, Culturechukwu, Culturedolapo, Culturebashir, Cultureosas. What will people say?

    7. You can be abroad and you will not hear when the trumpet will sound.

    12 Things Every Nigerian Who Has Tried Online Shopping Will Immediately Get  | Zikoko!

    Better stay in Nigeria where your only hindrance to heaven is generator noise. At least you will suffer on earth and go and enjoy in heaven — that is if you make it into heaven sha.

    12 ways Nigerian parents can force you to join bad gang. - PartyJollof

    12 Ways To Check If Your Nigerian Girlfriend Is A Feminist


  • Dear kings, before you ask that woman to marry you, please check if these signs are manifesting in her life. May we not marry a feminist in disguise. 🤡

    1. Tell her that after marriage, she’ll not use her degree because you’ll open shop in front of the house for her.

    If she agrees, she has not collected the injection of feminism. If she does not agree, that one na bad market. Dump her quickly. You don’t want a wife that will be going to office like you.

    2. Take her to your parents house.

    If she does not carry broom to start sweeping, that’s the first sign. If they serve her three meat and she eats two, that’s the final sign. God forbid that you marry a woman who does not want to be a modern slave.

    3. Check her dressing.

    9 Signs It’s Time to Replace Your Bra | Real Simple

    If she does not like wearing bra, she is definitely a feminist. Oho, she wants to feel like a man, abi? If you check well, she’ll probably have a rubber penis in her traveling bag. That one na ogbologbo feminist. My guy, run.

    4. Did she toast you herself or you toasted her??

    Zikoko! | Page 34 of 677 | Come for the fun, stay for the culture!

    If she was the one that came to you, oga better say no. It is only feminists that approach men. Those women have demonic courage.

    5. If she likes to be on top during sex, my guy flee oh.

    Why will a woman want to be on top during sex?? Oho, she wants to be the head and not the neck abi? Besides sef, why is she having sex with you before marriage? She’s definitely a feminist. They are the ones who have sex before their appointed time.

    6. Create a burner account and follow her on social media.

    mimiye (@MimiyeAkande) | Twitter

    If she ever tweets men are trash or say that men are goats, my guy. You know what to do. You know that you are trash, but is it her place to say?

    7. Take her on a date and see if she offers to split the bill.

    Hmm. Where did she see money? And what is she trying to prove by offering to split the bill? That one will not hear control when you wed her.

    8. Buy her gift and see if she buys you gifts too.

    If she does, oga run. She’s trying to prove equality. Who is she to spend on you? So that one day when you say you’re the head of the family, she’ll say she’s also the head? Because of 3-in-1 boxer shorts? May God not collect the position of head from you.

    9. She does not go to church.

    Hmm. Na from there e dey start. Rebellion against spiritual authority. If she does not obey God, what is the assurance that she will obey you, you that you are even bigger than God.

    10. She does not like to cook.

    Guy, what will you eat when you two marry? Does she not know that food is your remote control? Dump her osiso. Before you marry something that will use hunger to unplug your life from the socket.

    11. She does not want children.

    Image

    This one is looking for a way to erase your family line. How can a woman not want children? She wants your family name to die with you. May God separate you from that kind of demonic agent. Can I hear your Amen?

    12. She participated in the buss it challenge and silhouette challenge.

    That one na Feminist with PhD. Exposing her body because she thinks she has control over it. Guy, run. Run before that feminist in disguise will destroy your life.

    But please don’t stop running. Run away with all your nonsense, because which feminist in her right mind will marry a man like you anyway?


    7 Tests To Give The Man You Want To Marry