Those who are used to Lagos traffic know that it’s a self-inflicted crime to leave your home less than two hours before the intended arrival time of wherever you’re going. Because you will get there three hours late.
Don’t question this. Lagos logic is insane. Especially when it concerns traffic.
So I thought I was being smart that day when I woke up super early to beat traffic, getting to the bus stop at 5 AM. (Four hours before my resumption time at work.) The crowd I met there and the hike in bus fares made me suspicious of the journey I was about to embark on. But I paid the high fare and consoled myself with the fact that I’d at least get to work on time, regardless of the traffic situation.
I had no idea how wrong I was.
The traffic was of biblical proportions. We got to Ikeja-Along, Agege motor road axis by 9 AM. At Dopemu under bridge, I saw the endless line of vehicles frozen ahead of me but convinced myself that it couldn’t be that bad.
I was wrong again.
The heat, lack of legroom in the bus, and noise from car horns were enough to drive a person insane. When we finally got to Oshodi bus stop by NOON, my frustration was written all over my face. I saw a few passengers cross the road to head back home. “What’s the point of entering the office by this time?” I heard one guy say.
He had a point sha. I wish I had that luxury.
I got to the office by 1 PM. After I narrated my ordeal to my colleagues (and gotten a few “sorrys” and “eh yas”), one of them asked me to download the bike-hailing app named Gokada if I didn’t want history to repeat itself. I tried it on my way home later that day and smiled widely as I saw people trapped in traffic.
Look, Lagos traffic might be actively trying to kill you, but you don’t have to let it win. Live the stress-free baby boy/girl life you’ve always wanted by using Gokada to avoid traffic.
Are you the happy-go-lucky person that can be found in every WhatsApp group known to man? Or are you the lone ranger who endures your work chat because-–paycheck? Please don’t tell me you’re one of those people whose accolade is the number of WhatsApp groups they manage?
Okay, you know what? Just take this quiz to find out what kind of WhatsApp group member you are. PS: We won’t judge.
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Nigeria is a shitty place for those who live here, many seek an escape route. But, amid the insecurities, bad economy, and the uncaring government, some things happened this year that make us feel thankful.
Yeah, we know, hard to believe right? Yet we need to end the year on a positive note, so here are some things that we can say made 2019 tolerable:
1) Peace:
We’re pretty sure many Nigerians expected the country to go to shit after the general elections. Everything seemed to be on a precipice of evil, and everyone was tense about the consequences of the election results. Thankfully, nobody threatened war, and everything is in limbo.
2) Consumption of local produce:
Think what you will about the fact that Nigerian rice is full of stones, but the border closure came as a blessing in disguise. Now our local agriculture is booming even at the expense of our health, who cares about getting appendicitis anyway? Not our inconsiderate government.
3) No natural disaster:
Imagine how horrible it would have been for us if our country had earthquakes, landslides, or hurricanes! Eesh. Thankfully, God had enough sense to keep those away from the nation, he knows that the self-created disaster is more than enough to deal with.
Clearly, everyone would die if we have to rely on Nigerian firefighters, police, paramedics (do we even have those?), or any other rescue team that will be needed in the case of a natural disaster occurring. Y’all know how slow their response is–when they respond.
4) Our artistes getting more international recognition:
Burna Boy got a Grammy Nomination and got interviewed on The Daily Show interview. Davido featured Chris Brown. Tiwa Savage and Yemi Alade got signed to Universal Music. Beyonce featured Wizkid to tell us that black is beautiful in Brown Skin Girl.
Nigerian artistes got featured on Beyonce’s The Lion King: The Gift album. Wizkid shut down the 02 arena. Need I go on? What a great year it’s been for Nigerian musicians, and the world is paying attention.
5) Philanthropy within despair:
While the Nigerian government was being such a slowpoke about the xenophobic attacks to Nigerians in South Africa, a kind soul decided to take action instead. Many people were pleasantly surprised when Air Peace volunteered to get Nigerians out of South Africa for free.
Isn’t that something? In this Nigeria? Rare indeed.
6) NEPA finally realizing how low we rate them:
They finally gave us a chance to let them know that we don’t care about them and their poor services when they went on strike. Did you even know they were on strike? Most people thought it was their usual game of blackout.
7) Six years tenure was rebuffed by the House of Reps:
Finally, our legislators can do something right! They kicked against the bill that proposed a longer tenure for politicians in this country; it aimed to change the constitution, making each president, governor, senator, and house or rep member serve for 6 years instead of 4.
Like we haven’t suffered enough in this country already.
8) Cardi B in Lagos:
If you weren’t in the mood for December before Cardi B came to Lagos, then seeing her enjoy Lagos like some IJGB’s would have made you want to turn up. Some say she did more for Nigerian tourism than the Ministry of Tourism. What can I say? I agree with them.
9) Jollof Rice:
Y’all know that Nigerian Jollof is the best! It has the right color, taste, and spice. Our Jollof Road team got to taste different Jollof, while on their trip around West Africa, and they agree that Nigerian Jollof is STILL THE BEST.
Going to a market at any time in Lagos is helluva stressful, and it requires more planning than your purchase list. Dealing with sassy market women is one thing, having to navigate the tricky pricing and fight for breathing space is another.
Here are some things you’ll relate to if you’ve ever been to a Lagos market:
1) Having to hold onto your bag with a death grip or wearing your backpack on the front.
That’s the only way you can ensure someone with a knife doesn’t cut it off your arm and run off with it.
2) Not picking up any calls or responding to any text because you don’t want anyone to steal your phone while you’re distracted.
In fact, don’t take your phone to the market because pickpockets will find a way to grab it, even if they have to put their hands in your bag or cut you with a razor to get it. Ruthless, those folks.
3) Walking under the sun for countless hours looking for that one item that is scarce now even though you saw it everywhere two days ago.
Suddenly everything is a mirage, and you’re not sure what you saw before.
4) Avoiding sellers with harsh facial expression and bad mouth.
There’s always that one man or woman that will abuse your ancestors because you tried to bargain.
5) Getting pulled left, right and center by people wanting to sell their wares to you by fire by force.
You must see their goods by force o!
6) Staying sharp and trying to avoid buying bad products.
Because you know there’d be a switch if you glance away for a minute. You’re sure to learn this the hard way.
7) Dealing with the reality of zero guarantees and no cashback.
You have to shine your eyes well if you don’t want to be scammed.
8) Having to wear your worst outfit to the market because you know it can’t get ruined any further than it already has.
That’s the only way you can endure the mud on the road, dust, and dirty hands.
9) Get ready to be shoved by the neighbours of people you buy from.
It’s guaranteed that a jealous market woman will shoo you away, abusing you and the seller you’re buying from. Usually, because his goods are in her space and you’re encroaching on her territory by trying to look closer at them.
10) Sellers always have an excuse for a price hike.
They have a Ph.D. in this field. They usually blame Buhari’s government or school fees period.
There’s also the famous one about ‘odun’, which is used during festive seasons; Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s day, Sallah, Muhammad’s birthday, Independence Day, Workers Day. You name it, they’ve got it.
11) Leaving your glamour at home.
Face full of makeup and lots of accessories and jewelry? Lagos markets are not friendly to that. If walking around doesn’t make the makeup feel heavy after a while, then having your jewelry stolen will make you weep with regret.
12) Don’t even bother to take your car to the market because the car park is so far off.
You’ll wish you didn’t by the time you trek for 3 hours, and you’re nowhere near the market.
Being an unofficial ambassador for African hair can be quite appealing, especially when you wow people with your kinky afro and cute hairstyles.
But everything has a downside to it, and the struggle and pain associated with maintaining natural hair is something you wish you didn’t have to deal with.
Here are 10 struggles you’ll relate with if you’re a naturalista:
1) The pain of combing:
Haircare day is always torture for because you know you can’t just pat your hair and be going like you’ve been doing for a couple of weeks.
So you wield that brush like a battle-ax and prepare yourself to cry while combing, which will leave your scalp feeling raw because of how coarse your hair is. And to make matters worse, your hair cuts too!
2) People think you’re broke because you decided to have natural hair:
If only they knew how expensive it is to maintain your natural hair. You had a few hair products when your hair was relaxed, but now you have a truckload and you keep buying more.
3) People advise you to stop looking like a madwoman:
The general agreement is that you look unkempt when you wear your hair naturally, so they never stop asking when you’re gonna have your hair done.
4) Annoying people who touch your hair without an invitation:
Who is this person that thinks you’re a puppy that loves being stroked by everybody without your consent?
5) Your hair shrinks like mad:
You were deluded enough to think you’ll have an afro as big as Erykah Badu’s…
…alas, that’s not the case because hair shrinkage is a real struggle for you.
6) Your hair always looks dry no matter the amount of moisture you apply:
Even if you pour a barrel of oil and moisturizer on your hair, it refuses to shine. Let’s not forget how yucky it feels when the oil starts dripping onto your face.
7) You’ve been tempted to start relaxing your hair again.
Because you’re just tired of the whole naturalista thing sef.
8) You’re very picky about the kind of hair salons you go to.
You used to pop into any salon before your naturalista days, but now you can’t because the hairstylists in most of the salons don’t know how to give your natural hair the TLC it needs.
You end up going back home with ruined edges and a sore head if you choose the wrong hairstylist.
9) Trying to figure out your hair type.
You didn’t even know this was a thing until you went natural, and now it’s all so confusing. Err, you’re not sure if your hair is a type 4a, 4b or 4c, you just know its natural.
10) Thinking of the best protective hairstyle that suits your face is stressful.
There are so many natural hairstyles out there you don’t know which one to choose. You eventually end up packing it in a bun and maybe tie a scarf to make it look cute.
Social media is a crazy street where everyone gets to showcase their talent and trigger their imaginations in the best (or worst) way possible while garnering followers. Sometimes this leads to new and useful innovations, other times it gets one asking WTF?
Some of these WTF moments involve slangs and phrases no one understands, we don’t even know where most originated from. Here’s a list of slang we think should die off at the end of the year:
I’m dead:
This is supposed to depict exclamation, shock or laughter but have you ever tried saying this phrase in front of a Nigerian parent? Die you shall, after they’ve beaten negative confessions (that will take you to an early grave) out of you.
O jewa ke eng:
You probably got tired of seeing this South African phrase on Twitter this year. Visiting the app was such a chore when this started trending, especially when it wouldn’t stop!
I wouldn’t even call this a trend, it was a movement and I loved it because it encouraged people to speak their truth and have good mental health by doing so. But truth be told, it got old really fast, especially when Nigerians joined the bandwagon to say what was eating at them. You know we love to do things EXTRA
Unpopular opinion:
Everybody used this as an excuse to spew rubbish on their timeline. Can I just say that nobody asked for your opinion so why are you giving it? Please let this culture die in 2019 abeg.
Scopa tu mana:
This phrase took over on Twitter when o je wa eng went on a midterm break. At a point, it seemed like everyone was clamouring to say what was bothering them.
Stan:
At first, I thought this was a bad spelling of stand until I realized it was a thing. Alas, using this word was a way to pay your respects to anybody/anything you loved on social media.
The word stanning brings to mind Stannis Baratheon, and we all know how mad that man became under the control of the Red Priestess. Enuff said I reserve my comments.
Mad o:
Yet another phrase intended to express respect or amazement, but why couldn’t it have been something more positive like rich o.
Why do we love craziness on this side of the world? Must have been the reason why Kolomental was such a hit years ago.
Okoto meow meow:
This phrase looks like it was inspired by a cat, just think of it for a minute. At the same time though, it seems like it’s pronounced as moi-moi. I’m not even going to address the first word because what the hell is that supposed to mean? Who comes up with these things sef?
Why is this such a thing? I have no idea, everyone is going with the flow. Some people add ‘skrr’ to theirs, which reminds of Cardi’s okuuurr. Meanwhile, some people add more salt and pepper, so it becomes ‘okoto meow kututu meow skrr.’ Meaning? Rubbish talk.
God when?
Okay, I’ve gotten tired of seeing this, can it just die already? This phrase is often used to show dissatisfaction with one’s circumstances, especially when they see something better.
But did y’all notice that most of the ‘god whening’ comments are usually made under posts of couples and cute babies? And new houses, and new offices? Okay, I agree, it’s EVERYWHERE.
Did I leave any social media phrase out? Let me know in the comments.
Looking like your parents isn’t a big deal for you, especially if you really don’t see it. So while everyone else scrambles above themselves to compare every habit and utterance of yours to your parents’ you just want them to get over it.
On the other hand, it can be fun and you get a kick over people’s reaction to your resemblance, particularly when it dawns on you that some members of your family can’t tell you (or your voice) apart from your mother or father.
Here are some of the things you will relate to if you look like your parent:
1) You’re often mistaken for them.
People will call you by their name more times than you can count and look shocked when it turns out to be you.
2) You know the phrase “spitting image” by heart.
This is a statement you encounter at least once a month and have gotten tired of hearing.
3) Your friends never believe how much you look like your parents until they see them.
They probably thought you were exaggerating your likeness and rolled their eyes before making that expected statement, “Everyone looks like their parents joor.”
Wait until they see how much you look like yours.
4) Then they never get tired of joking about how identical you are.
This is where they ask if you are siblings or twins. No oh, we are triplets.
5) You’ve gotten used to hearing, “haba, your mama/papa they run go?”
It’s hard for people to come to terms with the fact that you had no say in the matter of your looks–it’s just genes people.
6) Your parent’s old photos can pass for your most recent.
Even their pose in it is a direct copy of your favorite pose.
7) People love to tell you how you’ll age.
Self-proclaimed experts will use your parents as a reference on how you’ll look when you get older. Like you didn’t know that already.
8) Getting peppered with questions about how your siblings look.
Surely, you must all be mirror images of your parents if you look the way you do.
Christmas as an adult is less fun than as a kid. Although the emotions are similar, every adult knows that the difference is they are responsible for how everything turns out to be.
This makes Christmas a daunting season for many because of the expectations and family drama associated with it. Furthermore, while a child always expects to receive gifts at this time an adult is required to give instead. Here are some things that make Christmas a different experience altogether:
Decorations and food are on you:
Being a child comes with the assurance that Christmas dishes will always be available because someone provides them. Now, however, you’re not so sure if you’ll be able to have the good old Christmas rice and chicken available on the D-day, so you’re working double-time to ensure that you don’t end up drinking only water on Christmas day.
You’re gonna have to rethink attending those parties because they are a money drain:
When you were a kid it was all about wearing new clothes and having your hair done for Christmas so you could attend your friend’s party, you also had to present at your school’s Christmas carol, church carol and drama presentations.
Nowadays though, things have changed for you, now you have to think about the monetary aspects of these. The number of church groups you’re in determines the monetary contributions you’ll make, there are concert tickets to think of, you also need to buy drink vouchers at that ticket-free event. And let’s not forget the family reunion that has you buying more clothes, shoes, and foodstuff than you need
The emperor’s new clothes are on you:
Let’s be honest, all you were really bothered about when you were younger was if you were gonna get that video game you really wanted or if your mother would let you go on the slide and bouncy castle while you eat cotton candy. Christmas clothes were the last things on your mind because you knew you’d always have something new to wear.
But now you have grown and you have to buy all those stuff yourself. And it’s more than usual because there are even more places that require your presence. Some are themed parties that require specific clothes you’ll never wear again after the event.
Now you are the one buying presents:
Remember those times you anticipated visits from your aunts and uncles because of the presents you’d receive? Haha, now you are the aunt/uncle and you have to buy presents for those cute babies your siblings and cousins wouldn’t stop birthing. Think of when you have your own kids too–no excuses then either.
You’re gonna have to rethink your travel plans:
Travelling is no longer an excuse for an excursion, you don’t even get excited by the sights. You’ve been disillusioned by adulthood so much you only see potholes and experience road rage.
You also think of the double fees you are gonna have to cough up for that flight ticket because you know everything gets more expensive during Christmas (why do merchants complain of being broke in January too?).
You’ve got your boss and coworkers to think about:
As a child, it was guaranteed that you only had to give your friends, parents, and siblings gifts but now you have to think about a whole village when buying presents.
Not only will you be visiting the orphanage, giving to the less privileged, giving your family and giving church donations, you will also be giving your boss and colleagues Christmas presents, even those you hate and no, nobody appreciates handcrafted gifts anymore, please.
Trying to be on the good graces of your employees:
Because you know how they will look at you if you don’t throw an office party and you don’t give them their bags of rice and bonuses.
They don’t want to hear about how prices of things have skyrocketed during Buhari’s tenure, just give them their groundnut oil abeg.
Command performance at family reunions that have you screaming on the inside:
Attending family events as a kid was such fun because you got to run around and play, eat lots of food, get many presents and attention from your older relations.
However, the adult version can be horrific, because this is a time you have to show what you’ve been doing all year and you don’t want your IJGB cousin stealing away your spotlight. You also don’t want that other cousin who couldn’t look you in the eyes a few years ago monopolizing the conversation now that he has a chieftaincy title.
Being the last child in a family comes with its perks and frustrations. And it also comes with a lot of condescending statements from people who try to define the life of the last child even though they have no idea how it is.
Here are some of the things every last born in the family has heard more times than they can count and they are sick of hearing:
People believing that everything you own are hand-me-downs:
From your baby crib to your last phone and even your university admission
Being compared to older siblings if you attend the same school:
You’re likely to hear that they were smarter and better behaved than you. A teacher would surely say, “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?’
Everyone calling you ‘smallie’:
Even when you turn 70 and have grandkids, your older relations will always regard you as the baby of the house.
When people tell you that you have no problems because your older siblings solve them before they occur:
The belief that you’re always needy and subservient to your siblings, financially, is so inherent in Nigeria it’s a wonder that last borns are yet to hold a mass protest against it.
Being told that your opinion doesn’t count or you don’t know what you’re saying because you’re the last born:
This usually happens in families where there’s a huge age gap between siblings. Everyone feels they know more about your life than you because they’ve lived longer.
Being told that you are mummy’s pet and daddy’s padi:
And then you’re considered weak and soft because of this.
“Let your mummy give birth to another baby now, are you not tired of being a last born?”
Every last child heard this statement at least once in their life when they were a kid.
The endless memes that declare you as an amebo that can be bribed to disclose any secret:
Because you have nothing better to do with your life than to be a tattletale and all you really care about is becoming a monitoring spirit.
Everybody regards whatever you do as “last born syndrome.”
This is the ‘get out of jail free’ card that society has given to you. It excuses all your wrongdoings in their eyes.
It’s the festive period and you want to have as much fun as you can handle. That pepper dem song should have had your name on it but no worries, you plan to create a new song for yourself while you’re having a lit December.
But the only blip on your radar at the moment is limited funds, truth is your income is not as big as your spending goals. So you’re thinking of the best way to manage your funds and still have the best time of your life. Well, we’ve got some tips for you:
1) Know what you want:
There are so many events that will clamour for your attention this month, from concerts to mini get-together’s, festivals, office parties, family hangouts and so much more.
The key to getting the best experience is to know which one would be the most fun for you to attend, as well as being cost-effective. This is where the scale of preference you learned in secondary school comes in, choose wisely. Do you really want to go to yet another dinner and award when you could be rocking it at a concert with your favourite artistes? That’s up to you to decide.
2) Buy tickets on time:
Early birds get the best worm. You don’t want to be biting your finger in regret when you hear that you could have gotten a ticket at 50% off if only you had bought it the week it came out. Don’t let your procrastination have you coughing up more funds than you can afford.
3) Go out with friends:
This is a smart move if you’re on the precipice of being broke. Aside from the fact that you get to hang out with people you love, you also get comfortable fessing up to your homies that sharing the bills is the best thing for you at the moment. So, carpool, share a meal, buy group tickets, do group funding. This way, you won’t end up broke AF in January.
4) Organise house parties:
Instead of lying in your bed wondering why brokeness has made you this way host a party at home and invite your friends. This will reduce the cost of a venue and you can tell everyone to chip in with their option of snacks, foods, and drinks if those are limited too.
Don’t forget to get a boom box blasting with your favorite songs and encourage your friends to bring someone new to the fold, you just might meet a new bestie this way.
5) Revamp your clothes:
So you want to buy new clothes at the boutique but do you remember that fab outfit you bought months ago which you refused to wear because the moment wasn’t right? Now is the time to wear it.
You could also get new accessories to go with those cute jeans and tee that haven’t seen sunlight in eons.
6) Go to street carnivals/festivals:
This is one way to have fun if carnivals are up your alley. Find out what’s going on in your area, which artiste will be performing and what date and time the carnival will kick-off. You might want to check up on the security levels and go with trusted friends if you choose to attend.
7) Have a cash reserve:
Have backup cash that remains untouched, come hell or high waters. You can party to your heart’s content when you know that you’ll still have something left to survive on afterward.
Imagine what fun it’ll be for you grinning like a Cheshire cat when everyone complains of how broke they are in January and you can say with your chest that you took a wise move during the holidays and saved up something for later.
