Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

Biodun* (31) and his younger brother, Deji*(28), grew up close, but their relationship began to fray in 2018 after their parents bought Deji a new phone while claiming they couldn’t afford Biodun’s school fees.

For Sunken Ships, Biodun opens up about growing up as the less favoured child, how his parents’ favouritism affected their relationship and where things stand today.

How would you describe your relationship with your brother growing up?

We were very close. It’s just the three of us: my brother, our youngest sister and me. I was the oldest, so naturally I felt responsible for him. If he needed help with something, I’d try to help. And if I ever needed help, I felt I could talk to him too.

What about your parents? How was the relationship with them??

They’ve always had their favourite. They seemed more invested in what my brother was doing, especially academically. He was the best student among the three of us, so they showered him with gifts and attention. 

My sister and I didn’t mind. Whenever they bought him gifts for doing well in school, he’d share at least a little with us, so we never felt like there was a divide between us.

Things changed after secondary school, though. As we progressed in education, my parents began directing more of their resources towards him.

Tell me about that.

I had to write JAMB twice before I got into university to study political science. My brother got in the following year to study law. I think my parents looked at our prospects and decided to invest in his future rather than mine.

Whenever he needed something, they’d find a way to provide it. With me, I had to explain why I needed something before they’d consider helping. I didn’t necessarily think they loved him more, but I definitely felt like they took his needs more seriously.

I tried not to make a big deal out of it. But what happened in my third year was too much to bear.

What happened?

I was entering my third year in 2018.  My brother and I attended a public university, so our fees weren’t outrageous. When I asked my parents for my school fees, they said they’d try to meet the deadline, but they were already stretched trying to cover my brother’s fees and my sister’s secondary school fees 

I understood that money was tight, so I didn’t want to put too much pressure on them. During the school break, I took on some side gigs and eventually told them not to worry about my fees.

Shortly after we resumed, my brother called me excitedly and asked to visit my hostel.  He said he had a surprise. When he arrived, he showed me a brand-new iPhone 7 our parents had bought him.

Oh. How did that make you feel?

I was genuinely shocked. It wasn’t as if they’d suddenly come into money. I couldn’t understand how there was money for a new phone but not for something as important as my school fees. 

When I confronted them, they explained that they didn’t want my brother to feel odd among his classmates. They considered getting him a phone that would help him fit in a priority, even if it meant they couldn’t pay my fees.

They also warned me not to be jealous of him or start a fight because they didn’t want it to affect his grades. It hurt that they seemed to consider my education less important while prioritising his comfort.

Was your brother aware of what was going on?

Yes. I expected him to understand why I was upset, especially since he knew our parents favoured him. Instead,  he seemed more interested in defending himself.

He said he hadn’t forced our parents to buy him a phone, and he thought I was overreacting because I’d managed to raise the money for my fees anyway.

I was already angry about how our parents had sidelined me. Seeing him act as though I had no reason to be upset made things worse. We argued, and I think that was the first time I felt we weren’t really on the same side anymore.

 I’m guessing this impacted your relationship.

We became distant. Before then, we’d joke around and make an effort to spend time together. Afterwards, everything felt forced. I stopped going out of my way to talk to him. If he spoke to me, I’d respond, but I wasn’t interested in making an effort to be close.

Eventually, we both became comfortable with the distance. The longer we went without addressing it, the harder it became to go back to how things were.

Did your parents notice this distance? Did they try to do anything about it?

I don’t think they noticed how much our relationship had changed. They probably assumed school obligations had kept us too busy to be as close as before.

But for me, it was more than that. I felt overlooked, and I didn’t want to keep bringing it up because I worried they’d dismiss me as jealous or ungrateful. So I swept it under the carpet and kept my resentment to myself.

Have you and your brother ever spoken about what happened since then?

Not really. Part of the problem is that we remember the situation differently. He sees it as an argument I started because I was unhappy that he got something I didn’t have. I see it as a situation that exposed how differently our parents treated us.

I think a part of me resented him for being the favourite and not making the same effort he used to when we were younger to reduce the divide between us. 

What’s your relationship with your brother like today?

We’re cordial, but I wouldn’t say we’re close. We communicate when necessary, especially about family matters, but there’s little of the brotherly bond we used to have.

I miss it, though. I want that closeness again, but I don’t want to force a bond that isn’t there anymore.

Sometimes, I see other brothers who are genuinely close, and I feel a bit jealous. It’s unfortunate that we’ve ended up here.

Would you be open to repairing your relationship with him?

Of course. Since leaving school and experiencing more of life, I’ve realised there’s no one I’d rather have by my side than my brother. I’ve tried to reconnect with him, but it hasn’t been easy. He’s busy with his career and has his own resentments towards me. 

I hope we can eventually talk about the different ways we experienced our parents, move past it, and get closer.

Maybe if we could have that conversation, we would have a chance of rebuilding what we lost.

How’s your relationship with your parents?

I’m distant from them too. I still fulfill my responsibilities as their child, but I resent how differently they treated us growing up. I know they didn’t think I’d amount to much, and that hurts.
I’ll always respect them and appreciate them, but I think it’s best that I continue to love them from afar.

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