Kemi* (61) thought she’d already experienced love until fate brought her face to face with her first boyfriend three decades after they separated. In this episode of On the Streets, she opens up about her dating history and the family pressure that made her walk away from a second chance at love.
What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I’m single, and at my age, I’m not looking to change that. My life has had a lot of ups and downs. I just want to enjoy the time I have left with my daughter and live peacefully.
How did you arrive at this point? Walk me through your relationship history
As a girl growing up in the ‘70s and ‘80s, you were expected to be conservative. I never really thought about boys. I was also very bright, so there was a lot of pressure on me to succeed and make my parents proud.
That changed after I got into University of Ibadan. During my second year, I struggled with a particularly difficult course. One of my lecturers asked me to meet a master’s student who assisted with tutorials. That was how I met Emeka*.
Tell me about Emeka
He was six years older, but was a very patient man. He agreed to tutor me, and over time, we became close. In 1988, I realised I had developed feelings for him when I passed the course and became scared he would stop talking to me afterwards. But he kept checking on me. He’d visit me and eventually admitted he also liked me.
At the time, he was my dream man. But about a year into our relationship, our differences became impossible to ignore.
What kind of differences?
He was from the east. Neither of us cared about that, but his family didn’t like the idea of him marrying a Yoruba girl.
I realised this when I visited his family after he finished his programme. From the moment I arrived, his mother made it clear she didn’t want me there. She could speak English, but whenever I approached her, she’d suddenly switch to their dialect. I convinced myself I was imagining things until she openly humiliated me.
They were preparing food for Christmas and I offered to help her pound something in the kitchen. She turned away from me, said something that made everyone around laugh. Later, one of Emeka’s cousins explained that she’d said my eye service didn’t mean Emeka would marry me.
The worst part was that Emeka didn’t understand why I was so hurt. He insisted his mother’s opinion didn’t matter, but I could already see what my future would look like if I married into that family.
At the same time, he planned to move permanently back east after school. We argued about it because my uncle had already promised me a job in Lagos after graduation. I couldn’t even imagine living close to a mother-in-law who openly despised me.
I’m guessing you didn’t reach a middle ground
We didn’t. He insisted on moving east, and I slowly pulled away. After he relocated, I stopped replying to his letters as consistently, even though he’d send his friends to check on me. Eventually, in 1989, I told him not to contact me again and officially ended our courtship.
I’d already seen how things would end if we forced our way into marriage. My mother and grandmother had a terrible relationship, and it affected our entire family growing up. I wasn’t willing to repeat that cycle.
It wasn’t an easy decision, but I believed I’d eventually find someone else.
How did that go?
After graduation, I got a good job, but men became intimidated once they realised where I worked. Others thought I was opinionated and stubborn.
Back then, once a woman crossed 30 unmarried, society believed there was something wrong with her. By 35, people looked at me with pity. Even my father started regretting sending me to university. That pressure eventually pushed me into a terrible relationship.
Can you tell me about that relationship?
I met Prince* through a friend, in March 2000. He was a businessman from a good family. I never liked him, but I convinced myself I was simply being too selective. I even agreed to marry him barely a month after we met.
But he was controlling and insecure. He constantly complained about my work schedule and hinted that if we married, I’d eventually have to leave my job because a good woman should dedicate her time to family.
Still, I endured the relationship until he became physically aggressive.
What happened?
One of my male colleagues occasionally dropped me off at home after work because I lived along his route. One evening, Prince showed up at my apartment unannounced and saw me getting out of my colleague’s car.
He made a scene, accusing me of sleeping around, even though I was clearly dressed from work. I raised my voice back at him, and before I knew it, he slapped me twice. Thankfully, my neighbours intervened before things got worse.
Our introduction was already planned for December, but after that incident in October, I called off the wedding. My family called me proud even after I told them what happened. Prince begged for forgiveness, but my mind was already made up.
What did that make you feel about marriage?
I still wanted marriage very badly, but after that experience, I believed it probably wasn’t destined for me.
I threw myself into church activities and decided that once I turned 40, I’d adopt a child so I wouldn’t grow old alone. But less than two years later, I met the man who became my husband.
I was cleaning the church one Saturday when Kola* approached me and said he always saw me around. We became friends very quickly, and I soon realised he was everything I’d ever wanted. He was kind and very God-fearing.
Even though he was just two years older, I was nervous to tell him my age because many men disappeared once they realised I was in my late-thirties, but he didn’t care. We got married in April 2003.
What was married life like for you?
It was beautiful. He was everything I’d prayed for. We respected each other and enjoyed being together. The only challenge we faced was having children.
We tried for years without success, and his family became very hostile about it. I remember one of his aunties poking my stomach during a visit and making comments about me being barren.
Eventually, in 2007, after I’d completely given up hope, I got pregnant at 43.
That must have felt surreal
It was a miracle. In 2008, I gave birth to our daughter, and everything in my life finally fell into place. But on the 26th of September 2014, my life changed forever.
That morning, my husband dropped our daughter at school and came back home. I was getting ready for work when I suddenly heard a loud sound in the kitchen. He had slumped.
I alerted my neighbors and we rushed him to the hospital, but by the time we arrived, he was already gone.
I completely lost my mind that day. I remember tearing at my clothes in the hospital because I simply couldn’t process that somebody I’d spoken to minutes earlier was suddenly dead.
I’m so sorry. How did you cope afterwards?
The first two years were the darkest years of my life. My sister had to move in with me because I lost the will to live. The only thing that kept me alive was my daughter.
Then his family started acting strangely towards me. Some people implied I’d brought misfortune into his life. It became so unbearable that I transferred my job to Abuja and cut ties with most of them.
After that, I focused completely on raising my daughter and gave up on the idea of romance entirely.
Fair
That was until 2024, when I ran into Emeka again after 36 years.
Your first love? How did that happen?
I went to buy fuel for my generator one day and while standing at the station, Emeka stepped out of the backseat of a car waiting in line behind me. I couldn’t believe it.
Out of everywhere in Nigeria, we somehow found each other at the last place I expected. We hugged, exchanged numbers and met up a few days later to catch up. He’d also lost his wife a few years earlier, so he could relate to everything I went through.
He still lived in the east, but he visited Abuja frequently for business, so we started spending more time together whenever he was around. Before long, the feelings returned.
This is too cute
It felt nice, but I was already 59. Love was the last thing on my mind. I kept trying to resist my feelings, but I loved his company.
Emeka was persistent too. He believed our reunion was destiny and admitted he’d never fully gotten over me. I thought the whole thing was a joke, until he suggested we get married.
I considered the possibility, but eventually decided against it.
Why?
His children were cold and suspicious towards me. By then, Emeka had become very wealthy, and they believed I wanted his money, which was ridiculous because I was doing well financially.
Last year, as a retirement gift, Emeka gifted me a block of apartments that one of his sons had been eyeing. His son was so pained that he called me to say very insulting things.
Emeka refused my offer to return the property deed. He defended me, but it created serious tension between him and his children. I didn’t want to become the centre of another family conflict. I also worried about how my daughter would be treated if we eventually got married.
That incident made me pull back and reject his proposal.
That must’ve been difficult
It was. But he’s remained kind and still checks on me from time to time. Recently, he even invited me to his company’s anniversary celebration in June and asked me not to avoid him. I still haven’t decided whether I’ll attend.
I hope you do. How have your experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?
I’ve learnt not to pressure myself because of society. Everything in my life eventually happened in its own time, even if many people would consider it late. I’m also grateful I didn’t settle. A lot of my friends rushed into marriages because of pressure and ended up unhappy.
One thing I’d advise younger women is to pay attention to family dynamics. You’re not just marrying a person. You’re marrying into a family, and that can affect your life more than you imagine.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1-10
7/10. There’s peace in being single. You have your freedom and your own space. But loneliness is inevitable, especially at this age. I’ve felt it more this year because I no longer speak to Emeka as much, and my daughter is now in university. I try to keep myself busy with church activities and hobbies.
I believe love is one of the most beautiful things in life. Nothing truly replaces that feeling.
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