Every week, Zikoko spotlights the unfiltered stories of women navigating life, love, identity and everything in between.
What She Said will give women the mic to speak freely, honestly and openly, without shame about sex, politics, family, survival, and everything else life throws our way.
Dan* is a 30-year-old artist whose quiet, routine church connection took an unexpected turn. What started as a casual reconnection spiralled into an uncomfortable situation they’re still navigating, one that now follows them into spaces that are meant to feel safe, from church to parties. They share what it’s like to be desired by someone they don’t want, and why setting boundaries hasn’t been as simple as just saying no.
Tell us about yourself
I’m 30, and an artist. I’d say I’m pretty calm, very level-headed. I like to think I come across as put together even when I’m figuring things out in real time. I’m from Anambra, and I grew up in a pretty typical Nigerian family: mum, dad, and a sister. I’m masculine-presenting, so people make their assumptions about me. I just move carefully depending on where I am.
What does a typical week look like for you?
It’s pretty structured. I work, I create, I try not to let those two things eat each other alive. Weekends are usually for resting, sometimes going out, and Sundays are for church. Church has been a consistent part of my life for a while. It’s mostly just familiar faces and the same rhythm every week. You know what you’re walking into.
Are you someone who builds friendships easily in spaces like that?
Not really. I’m friendly, but I’m not quick to form deep connections. I’ll talk, gist, laugh, but it doesn’t always go beyond that. Most of my relationships from places like church stay on the surface unless there’s a real reason for them to deepen.
Have you had a reason to deepen any relationships?
Not really, but I did develop a friendship with someone.
Tell us more?
Well, we met in church, obviously. Let’s call her Angelica*. The bishop introduced us, but I don’t even fully remember why. She’s a little older, mid-thirties, and runs a beauty salon. She’s confident, playful, and easy to talk to. We just became people who saw each other every Sunday, said hi, gisted small and went our separate ways. That went on for like three or four years. At some point, we exchanged numbers, but we barely used them. Everything was very surface-level. Nothing suggested what eventually happened.
What changed?
We hadn’t seen each other in a while, maybe almost a year, she had travelled. So one Sunday, when I got to church and saw her, it was unexpected. We started talking again after service, just catching up. Then we moved to text that same day and were going back and forth properly for the first time. She mentioned there was something personal she wanted to discuss and said she’d rather do it in person. I said I could come by during the week. We settled on Thursday. That was the first time we’d ever met outside of church.
What was the plan for that Thursday?
Just to talk. That was genuinely all I thought it was. She had something on her mind she wanted to share. I was available, and she didn’t live far from me. I wasn’t reading anything into it.
I got there, and we were just chilling, talking. I even had a work meeting that I had to step away for, briefly. At some point during the visit, Angelica disappeared into her room and came back out in a tank top and pyjama bottoms, just getting comfortable in her own space, which was fine. After that finished we settled into the real conversation, and she opened up about something personal that had pulled her away from her usual crowd for close to a year. It was heavy, and I was glad she felt comfortable enough to share it. That part felt real and good.
Then the conversation shifted.
How did it shift?
She asked about my relationship. The last time we’d spoken, I’d mentioned I was with someone. I told her that it was over. She laughed and said she genuinely thought I was going to marry that person based on how I’d talked about them. Then she started asking if I was seeing anyone, talking to anyone, what I liked. How I knew I wasn’t straight. She mentioned she was bi herself. The energy started changing, and I could feel it.
She kept getting physically closer. Playing with the strings on my joggers. Holding eye contact a beat too long. Smiling at me. I went into oblivious mode, which is what I do when I’m not interested and don’t want to be mean about it. I started redirecting the conversation everywhere else. Music. Random topics. Anything.
Did she get the hint?
No. She put on slow RnB. Very soft and intentional. And she kept coming closer. At some point, I just had to start thinking about leaving because things became very clear. Thankfully, she had plans nearby too, so it wasn’t awkward to call it. She said she was going to shower quickly so we could leave together.
Before she went in, she loudly announced it, like making sure I knew.
She said it like a statement, not just information. I was sitting directly across from the bathroom door, full view in, and when she started the shower, I got up and moved seats. I wasn’t going to sit there. After a few minutes, she came back out, completely shirtless, bare chest, holding a sundress up to herself, asking what I thought of it. I glanced at the dress. Said it was nice. Then looked away. She went back in. Didn’t close the door behind her either.
Did she say anything about it before you left?
Just before we left, she asked me directly. Did I not want to look at her? Did I not find her attractive? I told her I was trying to be respectful, that I’d answered her question about the dress and figured that was it. I kept it very neutral.
There was also a lot of wine throughout all of this. I love wine, I won’t say no to wine, but I was clocking that it kept appearing. I don’t think she meant anything sinister by it, but there was an intention there I couldn’t fully name.
In the car on the way out, she held my hand. I felt stuck because she was my ride. I didn’t want a whole scene, so I just let it happen. When I got out, she said she didn’t want me to leave. That she’d miss me.
Had you said anything at any point that could have given her the impression that you were interested?
I mentioned I was in an open situation with someone. That there was a person I was getting to know, and it was still building. That should have been enough to make it clear that I was unavailable, but she said she couldn’t do open relationships; she needed to be someone’s only focus. I said that’s fair, it’s not for everyone. I thought that was me being clear. That this is where I am, and it’s not changing. She heard “open” and decided that meant available. It didn’t.
Tell me about the person you were talking about.
She’s a 28-year-old digital strategist. We’d known each other for months before anything happened, crossed paths through work and some projects, never directly, until one collaboration brought us closer. We spent an extended weekend together, and something just settled between us. By the time the church situation started escalating, we’d been building something for a few months, and it was getting real.
She has one other partner. So, yeah, it’s open, but it’s not casual. There’s actual weight to what we’re building, and I take that seriously.
You’ll Also Love: My Aunt Tried to Drive My Sister Mad. It Backfired on Her Own Daughter
Did you let Angelica know things were getting serious with her?
Yes. She just kept treating open like a door she could walk through whenever she wanted. Every time we crossed paths, she’d ask how things were going, and when I said well, when I made it clear this was becoming something meaningful, she’d just redirect. Change the subject. Act like she hadn’t heard me. Like the information kept failing to land.
And you kept seeing her in church.
Every Sunday. That’s what makes it complicated. I can’t avoid the space. Church is part of my routine, and I’m not letting someone else’s behaviour disrupt that. But I cannot lie that I am tired of feeling like I have to avoid her at church.
She’d spot me across the room and make her way over. Always warm, always like nothing was happening. I’d be cordial. I’m not going to cause a scene in church. But I’d be counting down to the end of service.
Did it ever spill outside the church?
There’s a crowd we both move through. Lagos is big, but certain circles are small, especially queer-adjacent ones. A few months after the bathroom incident, we ended up at the same party. I was there with the person I’m seeing. We were in our own world, genuinely having a good time, and then I spotted her across the room.
By the time she got to where we were standing, she was already a few drinks in. She came straight to me, barely acknowledged anyone else, started touching my arm, leaning in close to talk in my ear, even though the music wasn’t that loud. My partner was right there. Not making a scene, but I could feel her watching.
I stepped slightly to the side, and she followed. I said it was good to see her and tried to fold her into the group conversation. She wasn’t interested in the group. She pulled me aside at some point and said she missed me, that she thought about me, that she didn’t understand why I kept the distance. I told her plainly that I was there with someone, that things between us were serious, and that I needed her to respect that. She looked at me for a long moment and said she just didn’t see how an open relationship could really count as serious.
I didn’t have anything left to say to that. I went back to my partner.
How did your partner handle it?
We talked about it after. They were calm; they’re not the type to make it bigger than it needs to be. But they said something that stayed with me. They said it was clear this woman didn’t see me as someone in a relationship; she saw me as someone in a situation that hadn’t been resolved yet. And they were right. That’s exactly how she was treating it.
Did things settle after that?
For a few weeks, yes. She kept a bit of distance at church, which I appreciated even if I didn’t say anything. I thought maybe the party was a turning point. That she’d finally read the room and decided to leave it alone.
Then one Sunday, she waited for me after service. She was standing near the exit, and when I came out, she fell into step beside me, very deliberately, and said she needed to talk to me properly. I asked her what about. She said she felt like we’d never had a real conversation about what was happening between us, and she deserved that much at least.
I remember standing there thinking, what is happening between us? Because from where I’m standing, nothing is happening. Nothing has ever happened.
What did you say?
I was very direct. I told her there was nothing to talk about. That I’d been clear about my situation, that I was with someone, that nothing was going to change, and that I needed her to accept that. She got quiet. Then she said something about how she could tell I had feelings I wasn’t acting on, that I was holding back because of my relationship, and that if I was honest with myself, I’d admit it.
That was the moment I stopped being polite about it. I told her she was wrong. That I wasn’t holding back, that there was nothing to hold back, and that what she was doing was making me uncomfortable in a space I come to every week. I said it as calmly as I could, but I said it clearly.
How did she respond?
She looked hurt. She said okay. Just that. Okay. And walked away.
The following Sunday, she didn’t come to speak to me. The one after that, either. I thought it was done. I was relieved in a way I didn’t realise I needed to be until the relief actually came.
Then one Sunday, she was back. Same warmth, same hi, same energy as we’d just pressed reset, and none of it had happened. And I just stood there thinking, so this is just how it’s going to be.
Did things get better?
No.
What happened?
A mutual friend had people over at her place a few weeks later. It was a casual thing. Just a small group, where you show up, eat, drink, and just exist with people you like. I didn’t know Angelica was going to be there. That part I genuinely didn’t know.
It started fine. We were in the same space, I acknowledged her, she acknowledged me, and we stayed on opposite ends of the room. I thought, okay, we can do this, we’re adults.
At some point in the afternoon, I went to lie down in one of the back rooms because I had a headache coming on. The host knew I just needed twenty minutes. I was on my phone, lights low, door not fully closed because it’s someone’s house, and I wasn’t trying to be rude about it.
I heard the door and assumed it was the host checking on me.
It wasn’t.
Angelica came in, closed the door behind her, and sat on the edge of the bed. She started talking, low voice, very calm, asking how I was doing, how things were going with my partner. I said fine and kept it short. Then she started going in on the relationship. Said she’d been watching us at the party, and my partner seemed possessive for someone in an open relationship. Said it didn’t look casual, that it looked like I was being controlled, that I deserved to be with someone who wasn’t going to put pressure on me.
I sat up and told her that was the whole point. That it wasn’t casual. That I’d been saying that from the beginning.
She said she knew that that was exactly why she was worried about me.
And then, before I could respond, she was on top of me. I don’t even fully know how it happened that fast. One moment she was sitting beside me, and the next she had her thighs either side of me and her hands on my face, and she was kissing me. I was so caught off guard, I froze for a second, which I hate admitting, and then I grabbed her arms and pushed her back and said what are you doing. She didn’t move immediately. She just looked at me.
I had to tell her to get off me. Twice.
She eventually got up and left the room without saying anything. I sat there for a few minutes just trying to process what had just happened.
Did anyone find out?
I told my partner that same evening. I wasn’t going to sit on it. They were quiet for a long time after I finished talking. Not angry at me, but I could feel something shift. They said they believed me and that it wasn’t my fault, and I know they meant it, but something about the whole thing put a strain on us that we’re still working through. Not because of any suspicion on their end, but because it brought the whole situation to a head that was hard to just absorb and move on from.
And Angelica?
I stopped going to that church.
I didn’t make a big announcement about it. I just stopped showing up. I found somewhere else to go on Sundays, and I haven’t been back. I’m not going to keep walking into a space every week where someone has made me feel like that. I tried to handle it with patience and grace for months, and it still ended with me having to physically push someone off me in a room I thought I was resting in.
Some spaces stop being safe. When that happens, you just have to find another one.
If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, fill this form.
How are you feeling about all of it now?
Tired mostly. I am so tired of being wanted by someone I don’t want, especially when they won’t accept that the answer is no. I haven’t been rude. I haven’t been cold. I’ve been clear in ways I thought were enough. And she keeps showing up, in church, at parties, in the parts of my life I share with other people. There’s nowhere to fully exhale.
What’s the hardest part?
That I can’t be angry in the way I want to be. Because if I make it a whole thing, everyone could find out. In church, in that circle, in spaces where I already have to move carefully because of who I am. I’m already doing enough calculations just existing in certain rooms. Adding this on top of it is just too much.
And I really like what I have with my partner. I don’t want this woman’s inability to read a room or accept no and hard boundaries to cast a shadow on something that’s actually good.
What do you want someone reading this to understand?
That no isn’t always loud. Sometimes, no is someone redirecting every conversation. Someone is keeping their distance. Someone is telling you clearly that they are building something with someone else. Those are all nos. And when you keep pushing past them, even softly, even with a smile, you’re not being romantic. You’re not just not listening, you’re being coercive. In fact, you are being a man.
Next Read: Meet the Winners of the 2026 Zikoko HER Women of the Year Awards
*Names have been changed.
