Every week, Zikoko spotlights the unfiltered stories of women navigating life, love, identity and everything in between. 

What She Said will give women the mic to speak freely, honestly and openly, without shame about sex, politics, family, survival, and everything else life throws our way. 

Adaora* is in her early 40s, married, and living abroad. She’s Igbo on her mum’s side and grew up in Enugu. She reached out to us with a story she is not ashamed of. In fact, she is proud of it. She is arranging a marriage between her 18-year-old daughter and a man she herself had a situationship with for five years, a man who is now in his early 60s. She believes she is doing the best thing any mother could do.

Can you tell us about yourself?

I’m in my early 40s. I grew up in Enugu. I’ll always say that first. I’m married, live abroad now, and have an 18-year-old daughter. I’ve had a full life, and I’ve learned a lot from it. That’s the short version.

What made you decide to tell this story? 

I have found my daughter a good husband. Not these small boys, her mates are chasing up and down. A real man who has already built his life and can take care of her properly without her having to worry about anything. And people are judging me for it. I just want to see what your community might think. Either way, I will do what is best for my own child. 

Okay. Tell us more. How did you find this husband?

I already knew him. We were close, many years ago. He’s someone I have a lot of history with, and I know his character very well. That’s actually why I thought of him. I know who he is. I know what he’s capable of. I know he will treat her well.

When you say close, what do you mean?

We had a thing for a few years, when I was in my early twenties. Nothing too serious because he was never the type to be serious with one person, and I knew that going in. He was a serial non-monogamist; I was never under any illusions about what it was. But we had a genuine connection, and he cared about me in his way. He’s not a bad man. He’s just not a one-woman man. Which is actually fine for what I have in mind because my daughter is young and full of life, and she will keep him interested.

How old is he?

He was in his early 40s when we were together. Now, he’s in his early sixties. 61 I believe. But age is just a number. He doesn’t look it, he doesn’t act it. He works out and is very fit. He’s well-travelled, well-kept, and very sharp. These are the things that matter.

And your daughter is 18.

She is 18, yes. She is an adult. Nobody can tell me otherwise. Under the law, she is a grown woman, and she can make her own decisions. I am just helping her make the right one before she wastes her best years on the wrong person.

Does she know about any of this?

Not yet. I will tell her in due time. I’ve already told her I’m looking for a suitable husband for her, so she knows that much. She trusts me. I know my daughter.

How did this idea come to you?

He reached out years ago, actually. My daughter was maybe 14, and I had posted a photo of her, and he sent me a message saying she was very beautiful and that he would marry her. I knew he was joking at the time, but it planted something in my head. I started thinking, actually, why not? Who better? I know this man. I know he likes them young. My daughter is young. I know he travels, he’s generous, and he has money that will never finish. What exactly is the problem? And as soon as she has a baby for him, she’s protected, loved and looked after, even when she will no longer be as young as he’d like, she will be financially provided for. I have seen him do it with others. 

Interesting. He likes them young. Doesn’t that concern you at all?

Why would it concern me? My daughter is not a child. She is 18. And yes, he prefers younger women, so what? Many men do. At least he is honest about who he is. I would rather give my daughter to a man I know than watch her end up with some 28-year-old who is broke and still finding himself. What will he give her? Love? Love does not pay school fees. Love does not fly you, business class. Love does not build you a house.

But you had a relationship with him yourself. Does that not make this strange?

That was in the past. It’s been over twenty years. I am married to someone else, and I have built my life. That chapter is closed. What I had with him has nothing to do with what I am arranging now. If anything, it makes me more qualified to make this decision because I know him better than any stranger would.

If he’s so good, why did you end things with him?

I was young. I didn’t know any better. I wanted a man that will want only me, which is why I never fully committed to him. Also, my husband came into my life. We met at a party. He was handsome and rich, and he did his best to make it clear he was serious. He was American and decided he wanted me to come back with him and get married. The offer of a green card meant more to me than anything else. I already had 2 other citizenships. Nigerian, and where my father was from, but none of these passports could compare to the American one. The safety of his money was a huge plus as well.

Hmm. When you approached him about your daughter, what did he say?

He reminded me of our history. I told him that was the past and it has no bearing on this conversation. I told him my daughter is a good girl. She has never been with anyone; she is a virgin, she is well-raised and well-mannered. She is exactly the kind of woman a man like him should settle down with. I told him he is not getting younger, and she is the best thing that could happen to him at this stage of his life. A young, beautiful, fresh woman who will give him energy and keep him young.

And he was receptive?

He is thinking about it. Which means yes.

What do you say to people who would hear this and say you are selling your daughter?

Nobody is being sold anywhere. This is me using my connections and experience to secure my daughter’s future. Every mother does this; they just do it quietly or badly. I am doing it well. I know this man. I know what he can offer. My daughter will never have to stress about money a day in her life. She will travel. She will be comfortable. She will be protected. What mother doesn’t want that?

But she doesn’t get a say.

She will get a say. When I present this to her, I will explain it properly. I will show her what this life looks like. My daughter is a smart girl. She will understand.

And if she says no?

She won’t say no once she understands the full picture. I know my daughter.

What if she falls in love with someone her own age?

With what? What will he give her? These boys her age are on Instagram looking fine, and that is all. They have nothing. I did not raise my daughter to suffer with a man who is still trying to figure out his life at 30. I went through my own journey. I made my own choices. I ended up okay, but it wasn’t easy. I don’t want it easy for my daughter. I want to be secure. There is a difference.

But you married well, according to your standards. Isn’t your daughter taken care of by you and your husband?

Yes, of course she is. But will I care for her for the rest of her life? I will get old. I will die. So will my husband. Yes, she has a trust fund, and she’s in our will, and she may never want for much, but she still needs her own man to love and care for her. That is the way it is. I turned out okay. She will too. 

Okay. You’re saying you ended up okay. You married someone else and moved abroad. Why couldn’t your daughter have that same path on her own terms?

I found my husband because I was already exposed, I already knew how to move, and I already understood men. My daughter doesn’t have that yet. She’s too naive. I am giving her a shortcut. I am giving her what took me years to find, in one arrangement. That is not harm. That is love.

Is there anything that would make you reconsider?

No. I have thought about this carefully. I am her mother. Nobody can tell me what is right for my own child. Nobody knows her the way I do. Nobody loves her the way I do. And nobody, I mean nobody, has the right to come and tell me what I should or shouldn’t do for my own daughter.

*Names have been changed.