Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Alex* (26) and Toyosi* (29) met at a vigil one night in 2024.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about meeting while she was healing from a failed engagement, reconnecting months later after his mother’s death, and navigating a relationship where she wants to be married by 30 but he’s not financially ready to take that step yet.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Alex: We met at a church vigil in July 2024. The vigil was happening on my street, and I’d helped the pastor secure the necessary permissions for the venue. Because of my involvement, I wasn’t following the program closely or participating in the prayers. I was mostly walking around, making sure everything was running smoothly. That’s when I saw Toyosi.
She was in one corner of the venue, completely absorbed in prayer and crying intensely. I overheard some of her prayer requests, and she was asking God to break the spell of failed marriages in her family. She was pouring her heart out about her fears and her pain. It was a deeply personal, vulnerable moment, and I knew I was invading her privacy by standing there. But I couldn’t help it. I was genuinely intrigued. I wondered why someone who looked so put together, pretty, and articulate would have such heavy prayer requests.
Toyosi: I didn’t want to attend that particular vigil because I had another one the next day, but my mum encouraged me. She said, “We don’t know where God will answer your prayers.”
I was fresh out of a two-year engagement that had ended badly. It was my first real, serious relationship, and I invested so much time and emotion into it. When it fell apart, I was devastated, sad and depressed. I poured myself heavily into church activities to cope with the pain.
This particular vigil was one of those nights where I desperately needed God to calm my mind and heal my heart. I was crying out to Him about my family’s history with broken relationships and my fears about repeating that pattern. I didn’t notice anyone watching me while I prayed. I was completely lost in my conversation with God.
Right. So, at what point did you guys interact?
Alex: I approached her the next morning, introduced myself and tried to make conversation. But I could tell she seemed uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure if it was me or if she just wanted to leave.
Toyosi: I was worried about my morning breath. We’d been at an overnight vigil, and I hadn’t brushed my teeth yet. And his breath wasn’t exactly pleasant either. It was just an awkward moment all around. But he seemed nice and well-spoken, so I gave him my number.
Screaming. What happened after you exchanged numbers?
Alex: I didn’t reach out for months. Life got very serious very quickly. I lost my mum shortly after we met, and that took a heavy toll on me. I wasn’t in a space to think about anything else, let alone reaching out to someone I’d just met.
Toyosi: I expected him to reach out within the first week or so. When he didn’t, I mentally moved on. I’d told God after my engagement ended that I didn’t want another situation where I’d be the one chasing after a guy. So I left it alone.
Alex: Then, in December 2024, the church had its crossover service for New Year’s Eve at the same location where we first met. I ran into Toyosi again. Honestly, I was actually quite reluctant to say hi to her because I felt guilty. Months had passed, and I hadn’t reached out at all. I thought she might be upset with me or think I was just playing games. I didn’t want it to be awkward or uncomfortable. But she saw me first and greeted me very casually, like it was no big deal, like she wasn’t holding anything against me. I took the greeting as a positive sign and made sure not to sit too far from her during the service. I positioned myself where I could see her and where we could potentially talk afterwards.
Toyosi: At that point, I’d already moved on from anything with him. So it was just a friendly greeting.
Alex: After the service, I had a moment with her and explained why I hadn’t reached out. I told her about losing my mum and everything that had happened. She was very sympathetic. Over the next few weeks, she started checking on me regularly, asking how I was doing and how I was coping.
Toyosi: Losing a parent is devastating. I could tell he was going through a lot, and I wanted to be there for him as a friend and make sure he was okay. I’d send messages, call sometimes to check in. We’d spend a lot of time on the phone talking about life and the people we’d lost. We also got into details about our personal and romantic lives.
Was this when you started developing feelings for each other?
Alex: In a way, yes. But I was hesitant about acting on those feelings. There were several major things holding me back and making me overthink the situation. First, she’d shared with me how she’d just come out of a two-year engagement. I didn’t want to seem like I was taking advantage of her emotional vulnerability during a healing period. I didn’t want her to think I was trying to be a rebound or a distraction from her pain.
Second, I wasn’t personally ready to marry yet. I wanted a serious, committed relationship with clear intentions, but marriage itself felt far off for me. I needed more time.
And third, she’s three years older than me. I wasn’t sure how she’d feel about dating someone younger.
Toyosi: I wouldn’t say I was exactly developing feelings. I was in a state where I wasn’t really sure of what I wanted, even though I was praying to God for true love. As we got closer, I knew Alex was interested. These things are obvious even when they aren’t stated. I was waiting for him to make his move, but I didn’t understand why he was taking so long. But I’d made a vow to God that I wouldn’t chase a man, so I kept quiet and waited.
Curious, when did you finally make your move, Alex?
Alex: I finally summoned the courage in February 2025. I took Toyosi out on Valentine’s Day. We had dinner at a nice restaurant, and I laid everything out. I started with the age thing — told her the three-year gap didn’t bother me. Then I told her I wasn’t ready for marriage yet, but I wanted a serious relationship with her. I wanted us to be intentional about building something together.
Toyosi: It was a lot to process in one sitting. The age thing wasn’t an issue for me at all. Alex doesn’t look or act younger than me. He’s mature, and he carries himself well. But the marriage thing was worrisome. I’d just come out of a two-year engagement that went nowhere. I didn’t want to enter another long relationship that would lead to the same dead end. I was 29 years old. I’d always envisioned being married by 30 at the latest. So hearing him say he wasn’t ready for marriage made me pause.
I didn’t give him an answer that day. I needed to think about it.
Right.
Toyosi: I had to weigh everything carefully. On one hand, I genuinely liked Alex. He was kind, thoughtful, and intentional in his approach. He’d been there for me during what was actually a difficult transitional time in my life. On the other hand, I was genuinely scared of wasting more precious time
I prayed intensely about the situation. I asked God for real clarity and direction. And I also tried to be very realistic and honest with myself about my timeline versus his, and whether those two could align.
Were you guys still spending time together during this period?
Alex: Yes. We kept spending time together and going on dates. I didn’t want to pressure her for an answer, but I also wanted her to see that I was serious, even if I wasn’t ready for marriage.
Toyosi: Those weeks helped me see more of who he was. How he treated me, how consistent he was, how he communicated. It gave me more information to work with.
In April, I said yes. It was kind of out of the blue. We were hanging out, and I just told him I’d thought about everything, and my answer was yes. I wanted to give us a chance.
Alex: I was surprised. I kept asking her why she said yes, what changed her mind, what made her decide. I needed to understand her reasoning.
Toyosi: I was just trusting my gut. I couldn’t explain it logically. I just felt this was the right decision, despite the uncertainty about the timing of marriage.
Sweet. You’ve been together for almost a year now. Tell me about the relationship.
Alex: It’s been good. We’ve had minor differences and arguments here and there, but nothing serious. We communicate well. We’re learning from each other. We’ll be celebrating our one-year anniversary this year.
Toyosi: I’m happy in the relationship. Alex is a good partner. But I do worry sometimes about the marriage timeline. I always envisioned being married by 30. I’ll be turning 30 this year, and we haven’t really broached the topic of marriage seriously since we started dating.
I don’t want to pressure him about marriage. I’m very aware that he told me upfront and very clearly that he wasn’t ready for marriage. And I made an informed decision. I accepted that reality when I said yes to the relationship.
But now that we’re approaching a full year together and I’m also approaching my 30th birthday, a significant milestone for me, the worry is creeping back. I find myself wondering when exactly he’ll be ready. I wonder if we’re actually on the same page about timing or if we’re years apart in our expectations. I wonder if I’m going to end up in another painful situation where I invest multiple years of my life and emotional energy, and it doesn’t ultimately lead to the marriage I want. These thoughts keep me up at night sometimes.
Have you talked to Alex about this?
Toyosi: Not directly. I drop hints sometimes. But I haven’t sat him down and had a serious conversation about where we’re headed and when.
Alex, are you aware of her concerns?
Alex: I’m aware. I know she’s probably wondering when I’m going to be ready, and I’m getting there. I’m gradually approaching the point where I want to get married. I just need to be a little more financially settled before I can take that step.
Talk about what financial settlement means to you.
Alex: I want to be able to comfortably afford the wedding itself, which can be expensive. I want to handle the engagement process and all the traditional requirements that come with it. And I want to have some decent savings set aside before we start our life together. I don’t want to go into marriage completely broke or struggling financially month to month. I don’t want us to start our marriage stressed about money from day one.
I’m actively working on building my income streams right now. I’m saving money deliberately. I’m trying to get to a more stable and secure financial place. Once I’m actually there, once I feel comfortable with my financial situation, I’ll be ready to have the marriage conversation seriously and move forward with those plans.
Toyosi: I understand where he’s coming from completely. I genuinely appreciate that he wants to be financially ready and responsible before taking the step into marriage. That shows maturity and planning. But I also really wish we could have more of this kind of detailed conversation together as a couple, instead of hearing about his timeline and thought process secondhand or having to guess what he’s thinking. We mostly scratch the surface, but I’d appreciate it if we could sit together and openly discuss his specific plan, his realistic timeline, and the financial milestones he’s working toward. That way, I can know what I’m working with. But I guess this is a starting point.
Fair enough. What’s the best thing about being with each other?
Alex: Toyosi is supportive, understanding, and patient. She was there for me during one of the darkest periods of my life. She’s kind, she’s smart, she challenges me to be better. I value her deeply.
Toyosi: Alex is intentional and consistent. He shows up. He communicates. He makes me feel valued and cared for. Even with the uncertainty around the marriage, I feel loved in this relationship.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?
Alex: I’d give it an 8. We have a strong foundation, we care about each other, and we’re building something good. The only thing keeping it from being higher is the pressure I feel about the marriage timeline and knowing that Toyosi is worried about it.
Toyosi: I’d also say 8. I’m happy with Alex. I love what we have. I just need more clarity about where we’re headed and when.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
