Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
For most of her teenage years, Tofunmi* (28) was responsible for making her brothers’ meals— a chore she grew to resent.
Leaving home for university felt like freedom until years later, a visit to her older brother, Tade* (31), reopened old wounds and pushed their already fragile relationship to the edge.
What’s your relationship with cooking like?
I hate cooking. Especially when I have to do it for a large group of people.
Why is that?
I’m the second child of three and the only girl. Growing up, my mum insisted that learning to cook was essential for a future wife, so when I was eight, she started teaching me how to cook. By the time I was ten, I was solely responsible for cooking for my brothers while she cooked for our dad.
What effect did this have on your relationship with your parents and brothers?
I grew to resent my parents for it. I was expected to cook for my brothers every single day, even if I was tired from school. As for my brothers, they started to see me as their dedicated chef. They showed no appreciation for my efforts and felt entitled to them. It caused a lot of friction with my older brother, especially.
How so?
Because he’s the firstborn, he chose what I cooked for our meals. The power must have gotten to his head because as we got older, his demands became more unreasonable.
Can you give me an example of this?
My dad eats from a fresh pot of soup or stew every day. When I was thirteen, my older brother decided he would only eat freshly made food too. So I had to cook meals from scratch every day when I came home from school. It was frustrating trying to balance school and what felt like an unpaid career as a personal chef at home.
Did you try to report him to your parents?
Yes, but my mum said it was good practice for when I got married, and my husband demanded fresh daily meals. So I had to get creative with prepping ingredients to keep up. I hated it that I always smelled like food and spices, no matter how many showers I took.
Walk me through a typical day. What meals did you make?
I would wake up at 5:00 am to make scrambled eggs and tea for when my brothers woke up. Then I would cook jollof rice or yam and stew so the boys had something to eat when we got back from school. For the evenings, it was usually a swallow, and my brother chose the soups. He hated eating dinner late, so I would usually start cooking around 6:30 pm so food would be served by 8:00 pm.
That sounds like a lot. When did you have time to study for school?
I carried my books to the kitchen all the time to read while things were simmering on the fire. So even my books smelled like food.
Wow, did you ever catch a break?
My first big break came when I got into university in 2015. For the first time, I was away from home, and I didn’t have to cook for anyone. Not even myself. My free time was mine, and I felt like I could finally breathe.
How did your family deal with it?
My parents didn’t really care, but my brothers hated it. Especially my older brother. We attended the same university in the city where we lived, so he tried to discourage my parents from letting me stay in the hostel so I could continue cooking for them. I had to put my foot down, and after a lot of back and forth, my mum got a maid to help with the cooking instead.
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Did your relationship with your parents improve after that?
Yes, the maid took over cooking for my younger brother and even made food for my older brother and me when we visited. As for my older brother, we weren’t close, but we were cordial. However, recently, even that polite cordiality we shared is gone.
Tell me about that.
My older brother moved to Lagos after he finished school in 2017 and has lived there ever since. I stayed back in Ibadan after getting a job and lived at home.
In May 2025, I got invited to a job interview in Lagos and needed a place to stay. I wanted to book a hotel for the night, but my brother suggested I stay with him instead. I was happy to take him up on his offer, but the visit didn’t go as I imagined.
What happened?
I arrived in Lagos the night before my interview in the evening. As soon as I got to his place, my brother announced that he’d bought some ingredients earlier in the afternoon so I could make him some soup for dinner.
How did you react?
I hadn’t even showered after the trip. I told him I was too tired to cook, but I was happy to buy him some food if he wanted.
How did he take that?
He did not take it well at all. He started yelling about disrespect and said that I had gotten too proud. He said I could either make him a meal or get out of his house that night.
Ah, because of food? What did you do?
Right? It was so silly. I left his place for him around 9:00 pm and got a hotel room instead. I wasn’t about to cook for anybody after a long day of travelling. I was so upset at his entitlement, and I vowed that was the end of our relationship.
Did you tell your parents about his behaviour?
My brother reported me to them. My mum’s reaction was just as annoying. She said I should have kept the peace by cooking the food for him. My dad thinks I’m overreacting by cutting him off. But he agreed that asking me to cook the night before my job interview was not the way to be a good host.
Did your older brother apologise to you?
No. I haven’t heard a single apology from him. I’ve stopped speaking to him, and I have no intentions of breaking the silence. I think he’s a bully, and until he apologises or changes, I won’t be indulging him. I got the job and moved to Lagos in June, and I still haven’t visited or spoken to him.
Do you think you’d be open to settling this issue with your brother if he apologised?
Sure. I’m willing to set aside any past resentment I have about cooking if he shows he doesn’t feel entitled to my labour. I’m not his personal chef, and I won’t let him treat me like one.
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