Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Chinedu* (31) and Amara* (28) met by pure coincidence in 2023, when both of their dates stood them up at the same restaurant.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about how a harmless banter over shared disappointment spiralled into an intense relationship neither of them expected, how constant arguments and anger issues have nearly broken them apart, and why they’re still fighting to keep their love alive.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Chinedu: We met at a restaurant in late 2023. I was supposed to be there with my cousin, but she had a work emergency and left after ordering. The food was really nice, so I decided to stay. About an hour later, I noticed Amara sitting by herself. She looked tense, and I figured she was also on a solo date or waiting for someone.
Amara: It wasn’t supposed to be a solo date. I was meeting someone, but 30 minutes after I arrived, he sent a text saying he couldn’t make it because of rain. I was pissed. I called him immediately and got loud on the phone — I hate being stood up. That was when I noticed Chinedu staring like he was watching a movie. I shot him a look like, “What’s your problem?” but he still walked over to my table.
Chinedu: I couldn’t just sit there. She looked upset, and I figured, what’s the worst that could happen? I asked if I could join her, and she said yes. We ordered pizza and joked about how both our dates bailed. It turned out to be a good night. I offered to drive her home, and we sat in the car for a while, talking. But honestly, I didn’t leave thinking it’d go beyond friendship.
Why exactly?
Chinedu: Physical attraction. I like tall-ish, curvy women. Amara’s petite and slim, not really my spec. But we vibed well, so I didn’t write her off completely. Three days later, we spoke again, and the energy made me curious.
Amara: I was just being polite at first. I wasn’t sure I liked him, but I appreciated that he made the evening better. I’d been in this phase where I wanted to be open to meeting someone, but I didn’t want to force anything. After we spoke a few times, though, I noticed he made me laugh. And I liked his straightforwardness.
So how did things progress between you two?
Chinedu: After that unplanned restaurant date, we talked for days, sometimes hours on end. I started noticing this pattern where I’d just want to get off the phone and sleep, but Amara always had more gist. I think we also went on maybe two more casual dates at that same restaurant before I realised I was genuinely looking forward to hearing from her every day.
Amara: That’s funny because I thought I was the one being more reserved. I didn’t even want to like him initially. The way he dressed was very, I don’t know… casual. Like, this guy doesn’t own an iron. But I couldn’t deny the fact that we just got along. By the third week, I’d started looking forward to his calls and texts. That was when I knew this could become something more.
Right. So, when did you both realise you liked each other, and at what point did things become official?
Chinedu: I think it hit me after one evening when we’d both had a rough day at work. I remember being so exhausted, frustrated with a project at the office, and Amara just showed up at my place with takeout. She didn’t even stay long; just said, “You sounded stressed earlier, so here.” It was such a small thing, but it meant so much to me. That same night, I told her I liked her. She didn’t take me seriously, though.
Amara: That’s because this man is a sweet talker. He’d been saying things like, “I enjoy your company,” “You’re different,” but never actually said “I like you.” So when he finally did, I was like, “Oga, please.” But in my mind, I liked him too. We didn’t officially define it until maybe a month later, when we were hanging out at that same restaurant where we met. The place had sort of become our favourite spot to hangout over time. The waitress joked about us being lovebirds, and he just said, “She’s my babe.” It was so casual, but that’s how it became official.
Chinedu: I think it happened between late January or early February 2024. We’re both terrible with dates.
God abeg. What were the early days of your relationship like?
Amara: They were beautiful, chaotic, and confusing all at once. We did everything together. Weekend sleepovers, late-night drives, experimenting with new restaurants. That first month of being official felt like we were in a never-ending romcom.
Chinedu: Until we weren’t. The honeymoon phase ended really quickly when we started having our first real arguments. Amara is… how do I say this nicely… passionate. And I’m not used to that level of energy when it comes to conflict.
Amara: I’m a very expressive person. When I’m happy, I show it; when I’m upset, you’ll know. I talk with my hands, and I raise my voice. It’s how I express myself, especially when I feel unheard. I’ve always been that way. At first, Chinedu would just go quiet and let me rant, but it got to a point where his silence started feeling like mockery.
Did you both talk about these issues? And how did you handle them?
Chinedu: Not well, if I’m being honest. At first, I made excuses. I told myself it was hormones, stress, typical Lagos wahala. But after a while, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. She’d wake up in a mood, sometimes not say a word to me all morning, and by afternoon, it’s as if I’d committed a crime. Or if I missed her call, she’d blow up my phone with angry texts.
Amara: I think he’s leaving out how he retaliates.
Please, tell me more.
Amara: There was this time I was at his place for the weekend. I woke up cranky; I don’t even know why. Maybe hormones or just one of those bad days. I noticed he hadn’t done the laundry like I asked the night before, and that small thing just set me off. I started going on and on about how he doesn’t listen, how I feel taken for granted. Instead of responding, he just kept watching football like I wasn’t even there. That made me angrier. I probably said a few hurtful things. Next thing I know, he flings the remote across the room, stands up, and starts shouting back at me. He left the house and didn’t come back for hours. I didn’t even know where he went.
Chinedu: To be fair, I handled that badly. But imagine trying to stay calm while someone follows you around the house, yelling, calling you selfish and disrespectful over laundry. I kept my cool for as long as I could, but when I finally snapped, it was like all the bottled-up anger from past weeks poured out. I don’t like that version of me, but I swear, sometimes she pushes me to that edge. Which says a lot because I’m hardly pushed there by anyone else. It’s like we bring out the best and worst in each other. Once, during a heated argument, she grabbed my shirt, twisted it — I don’t know what came over me, I pushed her. She fell hard. I felt terrible immediately, but the next thing I know, she’s throwing stuff at me — pillows, cups, anything within reach. I left the house and didn’t return until evening. When I got back, she’d made dinner and gone to bed. And we continued like that for months. We’d fight, get physical, and yet still manage to show care for each other through it all.
That sounds exhausting for both of you. At any point, did it feel like the relationship wouldn’t survive all of this? Like maybe you should call it quits or get help?
Amara: Honestly, yeah. It felt like that a few times. I remember one weekend after a fight, I went home and cried my eyes out. I told my sister everything, and she asked why I was still with someone who brings out the worst in me. But breaking up wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to be this person either, because to Chinedu, I was the one bringing out the worst in him. That was when the therapy conversation started.
Chinedu: For me, willingly accepting a transfer to Port Harcourt in November 2024 was partly my way of slowing things down. I didn’t frame it that way to Amara, but I was burnt out. I love her, but this relationship brings out a part of me I don’t even recognise. The shouting, the pushing, the silent treatment. That’s never been me. I thought the distance would help things die a natural death.
But it didn’t?
Chinedu: If anything, it made her more intense. More calls, more check-ins, more arguments about me “avoiding” her. At some point, I realised space wasn’t solving anything. So, I asked her to try therapy. I still don’t think I need it — I’ve never been this person with anyone else. It’s her unresolved stuff, not mine.
Amara: He likes to think he’s so put together. But if he doesn’t have unresolved anger issues, I wouldn’t even get a reaction out of him when I act out. But whatever helps him sleep at night.
Chinedu: Fair. Maybe I’ll consider therapy. But for now, it’s her turn to fix herself.
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Fair enough. Amara, you mentioned you started therapy. Has it made any difference?
Amara: It has, actually. It’s only been a few months, but I’m learning to slow down and process my emotions before reacting. For the longest time, I thought my anger made me strong; like if I didn’t fight back or assert myself, I’d be taken for granted. But my therapist made me realise it’s coming from growing up in a home where shouting was normal. My mum could shout down the whole neighbourhood, and my dad is the king of silent treatment. I carried both into my adult life.
That must be a lot to unlearn. How has it played out with Chinedu so far?
Amara: I won’t lie and say I’m a changed person. But I don’t blow up over small things as much anymore. I try to communicate how I feel, even when it’s hard. But long distance makes it tricky. Sometimes, I’m upset and he’s hours away, ignoring my texts — that’s when the old me wants to resurface. But now, I journal or send voice notes to my therapist instead of lashing out at him.
Chinedu, how has the long distance been for you? Do you feel like it’s helped or made things worse?
Chinedu: It’s both. Being apart gives me space to breathe, but it also means I never really know what mood I’ll meet when we talk. Some days, she’s playful and calm. Other days, I say one wrong thing and she spirals. But therapy has helped. She listens more now, and doesn’t go from 0 to 100 every time. That’s partly why I’ve stuck around.
Interesting. But with everything — the fights, the distance, the history — what makes you both so sure there’s real love here?
Amara: I’ve asked myself that question a lot. But even with all the madness, he’s still my person. He gets me. And he doesn’t give up easily. The fact that he’s still here, even after Port Harcourt, after the arguments, that says a lot.
Chinedu: Same here. She drives me crazy, but I can’t picture anyone else I’d want to do life with. I’ve dated other women and I can say no one makes me feel this connected and in touch with my feelings. It’s chaotic love, but I think that’s what makes it real. The best type of love is the one you fight for; it means you’re both committed to making things work. That’s why I stay.
What’s the best thing about being with each other?
Amara: He’s my safe space. I know that sounds ironic considering our fights, but when we’re good? He’s gentle, funny, and thoughtful. I’ve never been so happy or felt so seen with anyone else.
Chinedu: I feel the same way. Despite everything, Amara gets me. She can be intense, but she’s loyal, ambitious, and has my back. She’s also really kind. She’s the type of person who fights with you and still makes sure you have something to eat before bed, or will remind you in the middle of a silent treatment episode to take your drugs. It really just shows that she loves me.
I imagine so. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?
Amara: Definitely a shaky 7. We’re still figuring things out, but the love is real.
Chinedu: I’ll say 6. I feel like we’ve enjoyed this long stretch of calm because of the distance. We’ve got work to do, but I haven’t given up on us yet.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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