Hey {$name}. It feels like every one of my colleagues at Zikoko is on leave, and I’m
sitting here wondering if there’s a memo I missed.

Is there a war coming? Will the dollar start exchanging at ₦1k by the end of the week? Somebody, talk to me o.

[This #WhatSheSaid subject has been through it. And by “it”, I mean abusive (read as downright evil) friends, a crappy relationship with her mother and cervical cancer. She really deserves a break.]

---

Here’s what she said:

“The second time they [my friends] drugged me, I was in my second year. They were experimenting with a random pill and were too scared to try it themselves, so they put it in my drink and only told me after I drank it. All I remember was being very happy and floaty, and then, waking up in a hotel room.

I finally snapped when one of them raped my boyfriend.”

How to say no as a people pleaser

The key is in knowing when to close your eyes. If you don’t see people coming to stress you, you wouldn’t have to go out of your way to help them — quick maths.

Sometimes, saying no is good for you

8 clever ways to ask a girl to be your girlfriend

I personally wouldn’t say no to anyone serious enough to convince Meffy to put my face on one of the new naira notes. Ultimate points for creativity right there.

Step up your game

Do opinion polls matter in Nigerian presidential elections?

Polls are a big deal in countries like the United States, but that isn’t really the case here. Surprisingly, even though we don’t take polls seriously, they’ve been somewhat effective over the years. Will it be the same for 2023?

Get the answers

What Crazy Book Title Accurately Describes Your Life Right Now?

I got “Everything I Want to Do Is Illegal”. For legal purposes, I won’t confirm or deny this. 🤐

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Hey, you. Today has been one of those days when I just want to curl up and sleep, hoping I’d wake up to find that all’s right with the world again.

If only it were that easy.

[When I saw “₦30k salary” in the title, I honestly thought it was a mistake. My
brain is still struggling to understand how living a Lagos babe life and a ₦30k salary can be in the same sentence. Alas, it wasn’t a mistake.]

Hi Ama. This #LoveCurrency story looks like there must’ve been
much to cover during the interview — from asexuality to dating multiple men. How was it?

Yeah, the interview was really long. We started on WhatsApp, moved to a fifteen-minute video call on Meet, before returning to WhatsApp. It was a lot.

Is it just me who feels the main boyfriend should know she has side pieces? Like, how’s she always buying him gifts on a ₦30k salary?

Right? But he actually doesn’t know. She said something about dumping men the moment they found out she had other men. Like, she’d just cut them off and keep it moving.

Interesting. It’s how she calls the men “income sources” for me. Dfkm.

We ranked 13 Nigerian celebrity halloween costumes

Wizkid really took his “no-stress” persona to heart because, what the heck is that costume? I also expected more from Ebuka, TBH.

Check out the looks

Lagos bus drivers are on strike to break free from agbero billing

Lagos drivers have their wahala, but I’m sure most people would agree the agbero billing is just mad. I hope the strike enforces positive change.

Read the drivers’ thoughts on the strike

Some of the funniest Nigerian tweets from October 2022

I’m very open to anything that’ll make me laugh today, but even I didn’t expect to howl so much at some of these tweets.

Tweets from your fellow Nigerian crackheads

Which Nollywood Stereotype Are You?

I’m very not surprised to be the wicked stepmother.

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Hey, you. So far, the highlight of my day was discovering new levels of my editor-in-chief and managing editor’s boomer-ness. Edwin literally said, “Give the Lord a gargantuan wiper.” It’s giving 60s’ literature professor.

For Ruka, it went like this:
Ruka, in a video meeting: …

Every single person: Ruka, you’re muted.
Ruka: Goes on to talk for six minutes, still muted.

I’m convinced of two things: She’s 50+, and she may kill me when she sees this. It was nice knowing you.

Hey David. This #NairaLife called me poor in six languages.
How long do you think you can go without a job before you drown in debt?

I can do half a year. But it’d be half a year of being lowkey and buying only data. Thankfully, I can stay at home and eat. I don’t have a lot of responsibilities.

Lucky you. This is the second rich kid you’ve interviewed in a row. How’s your mental health?

See, I’ve asked both of them the same question: Please, is there space in your family? The answer has been no.

LMAO. Most interesting thing from the interview?

She said it was during the interview she realised she was privileged. I was like 😐

Is she kidding?!

We need to talk about Kizz Daniel’s problematic lyrics

The guy has great songs, but some of the lyrics? You need to do better, Kizz.
They border on sexual harassment, slut-shaming and just leave a sour taste on the tongue.

These lyrics are just disturbing

These countries are red flags for your japa plans

It’s still paining me that Dubai has now joined this list. What’ll happen to my
go-to-Dubai-and-take-pictures-to-pepper-everybody plan now? Even South Africa?

It’s not just Dubai

How to survive if you find yourself in an old Nollywood horror film

Since y’all are insisting on celebrating Halloween today, you should start by imagining living in the worst horrors known to man: Old Nollywood.

Tips for surviving in old Nollywood

Will Soft Life Fit You?

In summary, it’ll fit me die. What about you?

Take the quiz

Hey, you. With each day that passes, I’m increasingly open to the idea of setting alarms to
remind myself to eat during the day.

I’m at the stage where my eyesight starts to cloud over before I remember, “Shoot, I haven’t eaten today!”
Maybe one day, I’ll finally determine the exact colour of my problem.

[There’s a part in this story when one partner had to live with their ex,
and I just want to say, I greatly admire the other partner for believing nothing would happen
because, what?!]

Hii Itohan! I remember how excited you were when you shared how you finally found a lesbian couple for #LoveLife.

Yes, we’ve done a lot of heterosexual couples, and I wanted balance. This week’s subjects filled out my form, in which I
begged people to come and be interviewed, and that’s how this story came to life.

Love it for you. Their first kiss happening in a toilet gave me secondary school love
vibes, and it’s kinda sweet. Is that the strangest first kiss story you’ve heard?

I think their toilet first kiss was cute. Sometimes, it’s doing you like that. The person you’re seeing is so hot, your body starts to do you anyhow.
I’ve definitely heard about weirder first kisses. I just can’t remember which I’ll qualify as the weirdest.

Any other thing you found interesting?

The ex-girlfriend who refused to go. I was afraid o. You can’t tell me that babe isn’t a witch.

LMAO.

How to know your babe is about to get married, but not to you

I can confirm that refusing to get upset is a sign. Not because I’ve done it, but which
Nigerian woman likes peace? If she isn’t vexing for you, she’s vexing for someone else.

Know now, to avoid stories that touch

Steal the show at Lagos Fashion Week with these household items

Lagos Fashion Week 2022 is upon us, and we wouldn’t be the amazing people we are if
we didn’t give you tips to kill everybody with style when you attend.

Best-dressed or nothing

Ten proven ways to make bastard money

You see that British prime minister own? That’s the one I want to do. I’ll manage to stay for just over a month
then resign, so I’ll be entitled to the annual £115k allowance. Best in cash out!

Become bastardly rich

You’re a Cheapskate if You Get Up to 8/12 on This Quiz

I am cheapskate. Cheapskate is me.

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