On Thursday, November 13, Ezra Olubi, co-founder and Chief Technology Officer of Paystack, was accused of sexual misconduct involving a subordinate. Here is what we have gathered so far.
Who is Ezra Olubi?
Ezra Olubi is famous for co-founding Paystack, one of Nigeria’s foremost online payment platforms. The establishment of Paystack made it easy for merchants to accept payments via customers’ credit and debit cards, making it a top-used platform for several businesses. If you’ve ever made online payments in Nigeria, chances are you’ve used Paystack.
The platform’s impact and reputation were so significant that Ezra was awarded the national honour of Officer of the Order of the Niger (OON) in October 2022.
Outed for alleged sexual misconduct
Whatever opinions people held of Ezra Olubi crumbled on November 13, after old, disturbing tweets of his resurfaced.
It began on Wednesday, November 12, following several posts and a Twitter Space by a former romantic partner, where she accused him of power abuse and sexual misconduct.
The discovery of horrendous tweets
Although Olubi wasn’t directly mentioned on the Twitter Space and posts put out by his ex, they led to scrutiny of his X account and the discovery of horrendous decade-old tweets that he made between 2008 and 2013.
Each Tweet is worse than the last
Since the evening of November 13, X users have unearthed several disturbing old tweets from Olubi, including references to workplace harassment and explicit comments about minors and animals.
One tweet from Olubi said:
Another tweet of his read:
Deactivation and suspension
Not long after the tweets started making the rounds, Olubi deactivated his X account.
On Friday, November 14, Paystack announced it had suspended Olubi for alleged sexual misconduct involving a subordinate.
In a statement to TechCabal, the online payment platform said:
“Paystack is aware of the allegations involving our Co-founder, Ezra Olubi. We take matters of this nature extremely seriously. As of Thursday evening,
November 13, 2025, Ezra has been suspended from all duties and responsibilities pending a formal investigation.”
The company added that its board “is in the process of appointing an independent third-party investigator to ensure the investigation is conducted fairly, thoroughly, and with full confidentiality.”
Calls for Accountability
As an investigation into Olubi’s alleged sexual misconduct opens and more Nigerians discover his problematic posts, the conversations around his conduct continue to grow. One thing is clear: Nigerians disapprove of the behaviours and ideas portrayed in Ezra Olubi’s old tweets. All attention turns to the ongoing investigation as Nigerians await its outcome.
This is a developing story.
In what many on social media are describing as “expected,” the Nigerian Senate has on Wednesday, March 5, dismissed a petition brought before it by Senator Natasha Akpoti against the Senate President, Godswill Akpabio.
Sexual assault accusation
On Friday, February 28, the Senator representing Kogi Central, Natasha Akpoti-Uduaghan, accused Nigeria’s Senate President of sexually harassing her. What followed her accusation was two ₦350 billion lawsuits by Akpabio’s wife, Ekaette Akpabio who said the accusation had caused her family emotional distress and harmed their reputation.
Between February 28 to March 5, about four Senators have publicly spoken on the allegation, all of them heavily supporting and standing by the Senate President, including Senator Neda Imasuen, the Chairperson of the Senate Committee on Ethics, Code of Conduct and Public Petitions.
Akpoti-Uduaghan’s accusation against Akpabio was made on television alone and therefore informal so on Wednesday, March 5, she formalised it by submitting a petition before the Senate.
But hours after the Senator submitted her petition, the Senate dismissed it, saying it was invalid.
Why was Akpoti-Uduaghan’s petition dismissed?
Senator Akpoti-Uduaghan, who had staged a walkout earlier due to a commotion during the submission of her petition, was absent at the hearing. Explaining the reason for the petition’s dismissal, Senator Neda Imasuen, Chairman of the Senate Committee on Ethics, Code of Conduct, and Public Petitions, who first described the petition as “dead on arrival,” said it was dismissed because it was against Order 40 subsection four of the Senate Standing Orders which states that “no Senator will present to the Senate, a petition signed by him or herself.” This means that Akpoti-Uduaghan has to get another individual to sign the petition before the Senate can attend to it.
Additionally, Imasuen said the Senate could not consider the petition because the issues it raises are already in court. Hoever, Senator Akpoti-Uduaghan had already objected to this claim earlier, saying the case was not in court.
“This matter is not in court. The matter in court is a defamation against the senate president’s special assistant on social media, Patrick Mfon, who accused me of dressing indecently to the senate,” she explained.
This is a developing story
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There is a long-running history of sexual harassment in Nigerian tertiary institutions and a history of perpetrators going unpunished, sometimes due to the absence of a concrete law that would bring them to justice or fear of stigmatisation and backlash on the part of their victims.
But whenever victims summon the courage to speak up against lecturers who demand sex for grades, their act of bravery is always followed by calls for the establishment of a law that would address sexual harassment in higher institutions.
On Wednesday, October 30, those calls were answered when lawmakers in the House of Representatives passed a bill criminalising the harassment of tertiary institution students. How exactly would this bill make the lives of students better? We give a breakdown below.
All institutions must have an anti-harassment committee
Before now, not all institutions had a committee that addressed sexual harassment, but this bill will change that. It makes it compulsory for administrative heads of tertiary institutions, such as Vice Chancellors and Rectors, to set up a committee made up of seven members and headed by a chairperson. That’s not all; the committee cannot be made up of academic staff alone– the bill makes it compulsory to include at least two non-academic staffers, two students, and two academic staff. It also states that there must be women on the committee, and there must not be less than three.
Administrators face jail terms if they don’t comply
The bill states that heads of tertiary institutions who fail to set up an anti-harassment committee will be jailed for five years or made to pay a fine of ₦5 million.
Administrators face jail terms if they ignore victims
An administrator has only 14 days to refer any sexual harassment claim from a victim to the anti-harassment committee. If they fail to do this within that time, they will either be jailed for two years, made to pay a fine of ₦5 million or both.
Sexual harassment is defined in six ways
The bill gives six clear definitions of what makes up sexual harassment in tertiary institutions. If a lecturer, Dean, Professor, or any educator at all commits any or al of the offences listed below, they will be found guilty of sexual harassment.
Making unwelcome verbal or physical acts towards students or prospective students that are sexual in nature, or demanding sexual favours from students whether or not they consent.
Creating a hostile environment for a student by making unwanted sexual advances or asking for sexual favours.
Enabling, promoting, or assisting another person to commit any acts of sexual harassment (listed in the bill) against students.
Sharing or displaying sexually explicit content or materials through any media
Making a verbal or nonverbal sexual gesture or comment with the intention of humiliating or body-shaming any student.
Stalking, repeatedly following a student and showing unwanted attention that might cause them fear or discomfort.
14-year jail term for guilty offenders
The bill says that anybody who commits offences 1 to 3 on the list will face a minimum of 5 and a maximum of 14 years in prison without the option of a fine.
Anybody found guilty of committing offences 4 to 6 on the list will face a minimum of 2, and a maximum of 5 years in prison without the option of a fine.
Unsatisfied students can challenge the decision of a school’s committee
After a student files a complaint with their school’s committee, they are empowered by the bill, to take the matter to a high court if they are unhappy with the final decision of the committee.
The bill might actually not become law
Following the bill’s passing on Wednesday, Civil Society Organisations (CSOs), Student associations, and gender activists have given the House of Reps a thumbs up for the move. However, it’s too early to celebrate because there’s a high chance the bill might not become law. Why? This is not the first time it’s been around the block. In fact, it has been around for eight years.
The bill was first introduced in 2016 by former Senator Ovie-Omo-Agege but was rejected by the House of Representatives when it was sent for their agreement. In 2019, Omo-Agege reintroduced the bill again but was delayed until June 2023, when it was transmitted to President Tinubu, who never signed it into law. CSOs and student bodies like the National Association of Nigerian Students (NANs) have called on him to do the needful, but it never happened.
The bill has been reintroduced again, this time sponsored by Akin Rotimi of the Ekiti North 1 federal constituency. Having passed its third reading on October 30, it will be pushed to the Senate, where it will pass three readings and two more crucial stages—joint committee and Presidential assent. But even if it makes it through all the other steps, it might get stuck again at the assent stage.
What can you do to help?
If you like the provisions of the anti-sexual harassment bill and want to see it become law that would be used in tertiary institutions across the country, you might be disappointed to see that it would not happen. If you want to take action to see that it does, here are things you can do:
Engage in advocacy campaigns on social media
Contact CSOs like Gender Mobile to find out how you can support their fight for the bill
Pressure your lawmakers to push for the bill’s passing either through phone calls, social media posts, written petitions, or emails.
Organise or participate in peaceful protests to raise the issue of passing the bill to the attention of the media, lawmakers, and the general public.
Create, sign, and share online petitions to raise awareness and gather enough signatories to show that the bill has enough public support.
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Trigger Warning: Sexual assault
On June 30, 2024, X user @Theariaspeaks posted a Twitter thread to raise awareness about an epidemic of sexual assault at the University of Lagos, sharing anonymous texts from victims and the university’s unwillingness to punish the offenders. In the hours that followed, perpetrators who’d escaped punishment for this act were called out.
This is everything we know about the reported time and dates of the sexual harassment cases flying around the College of Medicine, University of Lagos, and some parties involved.
March 2024 — Oluwagbemileke Otokiti
Image source: @Theariaspeaks (X)
On June 29, 2024, Oluwagbemileke Otokiti, a 200-level pharmacy student, was called out for allegedly sexually assaulting a 200-level female medicine and surgery student. According to the anonymous messages sent to X user @Theariaspeaks, Oluwagbemileke had been involved in another incident in March 2024. He got caught, and Unilag’s House of Lords — the student legislative council — fined him ₦5000, asked him to write an apology letter and provide a guarantor to “vouch for his conduct”.
The victim reported that Oluwagbemileke assaulted her in the early hours (2:55 AM and 3:05 AM) of March 10, 2024, while studying in a classroom. During a conversation with Oluwagbemileke, he hugged her from behind without consent. Despite her expressed discomfort and attempts to get away from the situation, Oluwagbemileke persisted, “making inappropriate sexual comments and exhibiting aggressive behaviour.” She reported to the House of Lords later in the day.
According to a statement released by the House of Lords, upon the report of the assault incident, a committee was formed to investigate the situation. During one of the meetings, Oluwagbemileke confessed to the crime and issued a recorded apology. The victim asked for a written apology letter to be sent to all group chats of the College of Medicine and Pharmaceutical Sciences Students (COMPSSA), stating what happened while keeping her anonymous. At the time, she didn’t want the matter to get to the school authorities.
As of March 20, Oluwagbemileke had paid the ₦5000 fine and asked for a week extension to find his guarantor. However, he eventually failed to do so, and the matter escalated to the Dean of Student Affairs (DSA).
The victim stated that Oluwagbemileke is a repeat offender and something similar and non-consensual had happened between them in 100 Level.
On March 22, 2024, the Pharmaceutical Association of Nigerian Students, Unilag Chapter, wrote to the Dean of the Pharmacy faculty about Oluwagbemileke’s sexual misconduct.
Oluwagbemileke, however, participated in a faculty sports event despite several complaints from women who didn’t feel safe around him.
June 26, 2024 — Samuel Adigwe
Image source: @OlajumokeHera (X)
On June 28, 2024, another male pharmacy student was reported for sexually harassing a female radiography student.
At approximately 1:00 AM on June 26, when the victim had fallen asleep in a Cold Room where she was studying, Samuel inappropriately touched her. The victim pushed Samuel away and called her friend, who confronted him, but he wasn’t bothered. He allegedly claimed that “it was mutual”.
She reported the case to the House of Lords, and an investigation was launched immediately.
In response to the sexual assault report, Unilag’s Sub-Dean sent a warning message directed at the male students in the 400 Level pharmacy group chat.
A 300-level male Pharmacy named Ajibola was also reported around the time for the same crime. Many of his victims have come forward to report incidents where he flashed his penis or inappropriately touched them. Although he was once reported to the faculty, he’s yet to face any consequences.
October 2023 — Chibueze Nwanmah
One of the messages sent to @TheAiraspeaks also exposed Chibueze Nwanmah, a 600-level male medical student, as an abuser who has allegedly assaulted over thirty female students. Under the guise of checking on his victims’ academic progress severally, he allegedly takes advantage of them, forcing them to hug him and rub his penis against them.
In October 2023, Chibueze was reported to the school authorities over sexual assault involving at least eleven female classmates and an unknown number of students in younger classes. A petition was written and signed by fifty-four people. The authorities formed a panel, but there has been no update.
Currently, the University of Lagos and the Faculty of Pharmacy are yet to address the issues. Meanwhile, Lagos State parastatal and organisations like Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency (DVSA) and Stand to End Rape (STER) have picked up the case.
In an effort to mandate accountability for sexual harassment cases at the College of Medicine, Unilag, a petition has been launched, trending with the hashtag #EndSACultureInCMUL.
On July 2nd, X user @Theariaspeaks announced in a tweet that she and another X user, @BigBadReni, had a meeting with Unilag’s Vice Chancellor, Professor Folasade Ogunsola. The VC has agreed to the demand to punish the perpetrators, and she has pledged to create a safe space for students to report issues of abuse anonymously and make a new sexual abuse policy for the College of Medicine, Unilag.
Unilag set up on disciplinary panel to punish the perps. On July 15th, @Theariaspeak made a tweet about Oluwagebemileke pretending to be mentally ill on during his panel hearing.
@Theariaspeaks informed the public on July 18th that Oluwagbemileke Otokiti and Samuel Adigwe have both faced Unilag’s disciplinary panel. On July 25th, @Theariaspeaks updated that Chibueze Nwanmah has also face the school’s disciplinary panel. Currently, Oluwagbemileke and Chibueze are undergoing mental evaluation with professionals in Unilag.
Now, we await the disciplinary panel’s final verdict.
This is a developing story.
I was looking to speak with people who ran away from home to pursue their dreams when I found Josephine* (25).
She talks about her stormy relationship with her mother and running away from home at 16 after almost getting raped by her stepfather.
My life changed forever on the night of March 11, 2012. That was the night my dad died while trying to cross the road, unaware that he was walking directly into the path of an okada with no headlights. My housemistress told me the news the next day at school. I was 13, and I was shattered.
I was a proper daddy’s girl. Of my parents’ two girls, I was the one who looked most like him. I was also the only child for the first ten years of my life. There are stories of how, as a toddler, I’d follow my dad everywhere, even to the toilet. I rarely let my mum pick me up. It was always “my daddy”.
I think my mum started to resent how close I was to him. As I grew older, I began to call my dad “my love” because that’s what he called me too. My mum would make offhand remarks about how I was ganging up with her husband against her or how I came to steal her husband, and my dad would laugh over it.
Most times, the remarks had a tense undertone. Especially when she tried to flog me whenever I was naughty, and I’d run to my dad for help. He preferred to punish by taking away my toys and talking things over. To my mum, he was just spoiling me, and they clashed over it regularly.
Maybe he did spoil me, but I preferred hanging out with him. I even used to run away from the sitting room once I heard my mum returning home from her shop because she always seemed angry. When she gave birth to my sister, it was like they divided the children among themselves. I was daddy’s girl, and my sister was mummy’s girl. So, it all worked out.
Then my dad died, and it felt like my person had left. I didn’t really have a relationship with my mother, so I couldn’t process my grief with her. I’m not even sure how she processed hers. She just cried for a few days and kept to herself. When the relatives and mourners finally left our house after the burial, all that was left was empty silence. My sister was three years old and didn’t really understand what was happening.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to navigate the silence for long because I returned to boarding school. But whenever I was home, the silence was there. When we weren’t silent, she was scolding me for one thing or the other. I either didn’t sweep well enough or didn’t mop the way she would have.
I finished secondary school in 2014 and returned home to pursue a university admission. 2014 was also the year my mum remarried. Two months before the wedding, she called me and my little sister to the sitting room and told us we’d have a new daddy soon. I’m not sure I felt anything about it.
We met the man that week, and he seemed nice enough. The only thing on my mind was gaining admission and leaving them to it.
But admission didn’t come easy. I failed JAMB and had to wait an extra year at home. While I waited, I attended tutorial classes from morning to evening, and by the time I returned home at 6 p.m., it was usually just me and my mum’s husband. That was when he’d return from work, too, while my mum stayed at her shop till around 9 p.m. My sister’s school bus would drop her at the shop, so they always came home together.
The arrangement worked at first. I’d return home, cook dinner and serve her husband before going to my room for the rest of the night. But he started dropping comments like, “Why are you running to your room? Come and spend time with me.” Other times, he’d encourage me to greet him with hugs since “I’m like your dad.” I found the whole thing weird and just kept my distance.
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I finally gained admission in 2015. A week before I had to resume at the university, this man tried to rape me. That day, when he returned home from work, he tried to get me to hug him as usual, but I politely laughed it off and returned to my room.
A few minutes later, he called out to me to pick something from his room. I actually thought he was outside, but I entered the room, and he suddenly appeared from behind the door. It’s still a bit triggering to think about how he tried to pin me down and cover my screams with his lips and whispers of “Don’t be a baby, now.”
I’m not sure how I managed to escape. I must’ve kicked him because, one minute, he was on top of me, and the next, he was on the ground. I ran out of the house to our street junction to wait for my mum.
When I eventually saw her, I ran to her and narrated the whole thing. She was visibly shocked and even started crying. She led me back home and confronted her husband. The man denied the whole thing and claimed I ran out of the house because he caught me with a boy. He swore up and down that he’d never try such and I was just making things up.
My mum believed him. There was nothing she didn’t say to me that night. How I didn’t want her to enjoy her home. How I’d never been in support of her marriage. How I’d grown to be a liar and prostitute.
To this day, I don’t know if she truly believed I was capable of such a lie, or was simply choosing to make herself believe what she desperately wanted to be true.
I decided to avoid her husband as best as I could while I counted the days before I could leave for uni. The plan was to stay out all evening till my mum returned at night. But the first day I did that, he reported me to my mum, saying I didn’t cook his dinner. She warned me to never let that repeat itself, and that’s when I knew I had to find a way out.
Behold our Valentine Special. We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. This is the first episode.
The next day, after they’d gone out, I took some clothes, my school documents and the ₦68k my mum hid somewhere and travelled to the state my university was located. It was about three days to resumption, and I didn’t have a plan or anywhere to stay.
But I got to the university in the evening and met some fellowship people on campus who were trying to mobilise fresh students. I told them I didn’t have anywhere to stay. They let me sleep in the fellowship hall for two days before their other members resumed, and I went to stay with one of them at their hostel.
My mum called me the day I left, screaming and calling me a thief. That went on for about two minutes before I ended the call. She didn’t even bother to ask where I was, and she never called back. Maybe she thinks I followed my imaginary boyfriend.
I haven’t seen or spoken to her since 2015. I survived the years at school with the fellowship’s help and the little money I made from making people’s hair, a skill I learnt in boarding school.
I found my sister by chance on Facebook in 2023, and reached out. Our first call was so awkward because we had almost nothing to say. I wasn’t surprised to hear that my mum had fed her with stories of how I stole her money and ran away to destroy my life. We chat occasionally.
At least, I know my mum is still alive and married to that man. But she’s dead to me. I’m not sure if we’ll ever unpack everything that went wrong between us or if I’ll ever be willing to do so.
I don’t even know how to ask my sister if he ever tried to abuse her too. I feel like I abandoned her, but I also know there wasn’t much I could do but save myself. I consciously try to push the whole experience to the back of my mind. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to work through it.
If there were to be a list of “social epidemics” in Nigeria, sexual violence would be at the top. And women always get the brunt of the stick.
According to a 2022 UNICEF report, “One in three women have experienced physical, sexual or intimate-partner violence; are victims of trafficking, or are subject to violent social norms.”
Unfortunately, another viral case of sexual violence is now on the list — but in the form of revenge pornography.
But first, we need to know its meaning.
What is revenge porn?
According to Section 170b of Nigeria’s Criminal Code Act, someone has committed revenge porn if they “post or enclose an indecent or obscene print, painting, photograph, lithograph, engraving, book, card, or article, or which has on it, or in it, or on its cover, any indecent, obscene, or grossly offensive words, marks, or designs.”
The Oxford Dictionary defines it as “revealing or sexually explicit images or videos of a person posted on the internet, typically by a former sexual partner, without the subject’s consent and to cause them distress or embarrassment.”
In simple English, if you post someone’s nude without consent, you’re a criminal in waiting.
Now that we know the meaning, let’s dig into the issue.
The Terdoo case
Since March 31, allegations of revenge porn between Terdoo Oluwadara Bendega (@lereslvt on Snapchat) and a Twitter user, The Nnma (@TheNnma), has been in conversations.
According to Nnma, Terdoo—her ex-boyfriend—tried to blackmail her with explicit pictures and videos of herself after they had broken up. This was so Nnma wouldn’t expose his clandestine habit — distributing unclad pictures and videos of women on pornographic channels via Telegram without consent.
It harassed and stalked me for monthsssssss after I left him, sent his now ex after me, sent me explicit pictures and videos of myself I never knew existed to try shut me up.
Again, please, please, please and please, avoid and stay away from Terdoo Oluwadara Bendega.
Someone just brought to my notice that he also runs noirthedad on telegram where he posts, distributes and sells pornographic content and non-consented sextapes. pic.twitter.com/FHygmM3JZD
But while Nnma was soliciting justice online, another Twitter user, Blaccnwyt (@blaccnwyt), implied that she may have been an accomplice in his revenge porn act.
Another testimony. Please ladies, if Terdoo Oluwadara Bendega has ever abused you or your privacy, kindly send me a message. pic.twitter.com/Vw9YgetPCo
In 2019, a sex tape of a 300-level Babcock University student in Nigeria circulated on the Internet. This resulted in her expulsion from the university for the “immoral act.”
In 2022, a student known as “Gold” at Akwa Ibom State University had her sex tape released without consent. Afrobeats singer Tiwa Savage was also a victim of revenge porn.
Recently, popular Twitter user and Yogi, Pelumi “Jellybum” was accused of distributing and selling naked pictures of other women. They were previously her friends.
who knowingly or intentionally send a message or other matter using computer systems or network that is grossly offensive, pornographic or of an indecent, obscene or menacing character or causes any such message or matter to be so sent; or
knows to be false for the purpose of causing annoyance, inconvenience danger, obstruction, insult, injury, criminal intimidation, enmity, hatred, ill will or needless anxiety to another or causes such a message to be sent.
How can victims gain help and support?
We understand the psychological trauma that revenge porn brings and the legal steps to take in apprehending offenders.
So, if you ever find yourself in this situation and would like to gain legal and psychological help, we’ve created a list of female lawyers and organisations that are only one phone call away:
The Organisations
STER (Stand to End Rape Initiative)
The Stand to End Rape (STER) initiative is a youth-led social enterprise advocating against sexual violence, providing prevention mechanisms and supporting survivors with psychosocial services. They handle all forms of sexual violence.
You can reach out to them by filling out this form or sending an email to the team here.
The Mirabel Centre
The Mirabel Centre is Nigeria’s first sexual assault referral centre where survivors can get medical and psychological aid.
You can call them on 08187243468 or 08155770000, or 0701 349 1769. You can also visit them at the Lagos State University Teaching Hospital, Ikeja General Hospital Road, Ikeja, Lagos.
The Women at Risk International Foundation (WARIF)
WARIF is a non-profit organisation incorporated in 2016. It was made in response to the high incidence of sexual violence, rape and human trafficking among young girls and women across Nigeria and Africa.
You can contact them at 0809 210 0008 or you can send an email to info@warifng.org
The Lagos Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency (DSVA)
This is an organisation under the Lagos State government. They are committed to eradicating domestic and sexual violence in the state.
The International Federation of Women Lawyers (FIDA)
The International Federation of Women Lawyers (FIDA) Nigeria is a Non-Governmental, Non-Profit Organization comprised of women lawyers formed in 1964. They take pro-bono cases across Nigeria, usually on domestic, sexual and other related violence against women.
You can visit their website to find the branch closest to you or call +234 708 849 6115
Rashidat Mohammed
Mohammed is a Human Rights Lawyer with a special interest in promoting the rights of women and children. She provides pro-bono legal services for women and girls who have experienced violence in northwest Nigeria. She also represents vulnerable men and families who can’t afford a lawyer and struggle to get justice in the Nigerian legal system.
You can visit her law firm, Rashidat Mohammed and Co, at Suite C49 City View Plaza, Diplomat Area, Sokoto.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual woman who finds sex triggering and struggles to maintain romantic and sexual relationships due to past horrible and violent sexual experiences. She talks about how these experiences shaped her sex life and how she is trying to dig herself out of the mental hole she feels she is in.
Trigger warning: Parts of this story contain information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.
What was your first sexual experience?
When I was 12, my dad’s step brother came to stay with us because my dad wanted him to gain admission to the university in our city. So he was taking JAMB classes. One day, he called me and fingered me. It didn’t progress beyond that for a while, then one day, he forced himself on me. I remember crying, but this happened on an afternoon when no one was around. He threatened he would beat me if I told anyone, so I didn’t. By the time anyone came back that day, I was shivering, had developed a fever and couldn’t talk.
I am so sorry.
Thank you. I don’t know if it was the way I reacted that scared him, but he never touched me again. He left our house a few months later because of an inter-family quarrel. Sadly, that wasn’t my only non-consensual sexual experience.
Wow.
Years later, I went to a party at university. It was hosted by a friend who was celebrating her birthday. There wasn’t a crowd at the party, but you could still get lost. A guy I met came up to me and was trying to dance with me. I declined because I don’t dance, so we talked casually for a bit. I left to find my friend who I came with but didn’t see her. Then I went to one of the rooms. There was only one other girl who was changing there so I tried to sit down. I dozed off for a few minutes, and when I opened my eyes, the girl wasn’t there again. The guy I had been talking to earlier had entered and — I would later learn — locked the door behind him. He begun touching me and trying to initiate sex, and even though I kept saying no, he didn’t stop. All I could think about was crying after my uncle forced himself on me. So I did the only thing that made sense to me, I just let him have his way before he forced me.
That’s awful.
Yup. It didn’t last long. Once he was done, I got up and that’s when I realised he had locked the door. I opened it and just started walking even though it was really early in the morning.
What did you do next?
I got home, cried a lot, showered a lot and stared at my ceiling all night. The next day I carried on as though nothing happened. Do you know the funniest part?
Tell me.
I would see the guy around school, and he would act normal. He would wave at me and act like we are random acquaintances. A few months back, I saw his Twitter account. He is living a very normal life and is very much Mr “Oh So Regular Goodie Two Shoes”. But he fucked me up. It would be funny if it wasn’t hilarious.
Have you ever had consensual sexual intercourse?
Yeah, I have. But if you ask if I have ever enjoyed it, the answer would be no.
Why is that?
Every time I have sex, I just want it to end. I find myself remembering the first two times I was forced into having sex and I feel disgusted and want it to stop. Even when I consent, I feel like I’m being raped. My mind just fights it.
How has that affected your sex life?
Man, where do I start from? I used to think I was asexual, but I’m not. I’m attracted to men and want to date and sleep with men. However, when I try to get in bed with one, all I think about are those experiences. So it paralyses me. I don’t think I have ever really enjoyed sex; I have never had an orgasm. Even when they ask for consent and do everything right, I’m just unable to enjoy it. A year ago, I stopped trying.
Stopped trying…?
To have sex. I used to do it just to keep my partners pleased, but I can’t keep doing that to myself. I might be damaging my mind even more.
Have you ever tried to seek professional help to deal with this?
Yup. When the university one happened, I started seeing this woman that was working with an NGO. Unknown to me, she was a very religious and conservative woman. When I told her what happened, she told me it was my fault and that I brought it upon myself for going to late-night parties and mixing with boys. I was stumped. Hearing those words, as a rape victim, when the wounds were still fresh and when I was still blaming myself inside, was fucked up.
That’s so unprofessional. I’m sorry you went through that.
Thanks. Anyways, I found a therapist who had a good head on her last year. She’s part of why I stopped forcing myself to have sex — I thought I owed it to my partners.
How has therapy been going?
Really really good. It’s a slow process, but I’ve felt some shifts and I’m hoping to successfully work through it all eventually.
You definitely will. How would you rate your sex life?
0. My sex life is nonexistent and I think sex and men, in general, have taken so much from me, I don’t know if I’ll ever get to a 10. But I hope so.
Every year in April, organizations and individuals come together to raise awareness about sexual assault and how to be of help. In this article, we asked women in our email list to tell us the most unlikely places they have been assaulted at. Here’s what they had to say:
Omoye
It was in a danfo. I was in Js 1. The man that sat beside me would use his right hand to scratch under his left arm while using his elbow to rub my breasts. It was weird. I tried to shift but he would come closer and do the same thing. It happened twice on my way to school and it was the same man. The first time I couldn’t get away from him till I got to my stop but the second time, I was able to move to another row. When I got down, I was happy I was able to get away so I brought out my tongue to tell him ntoo. I told my mum about it when I got home and she said I should have screamed at him.
Farida
I think it’s funny how when you get assaulted, you are sometimes too shocked to even react. In November 2020, I was on my way to the bank on the mainland and because I wanted to get there faster, I decided to use a bike. I got on the bike and told the bike man the bank I was trying to find. As I was talking to him, another person climbed the bike too. I complained and the bike man told me it was normal, besides I was going to alight before the man.
On our way, I felt a bulge pressing hard against me. I kept trying to adjust but this man slipped his hand underneath my shirt and was trying to touch my waist beads. I immediately told the bike man to stop. I was too shocked to even react — I was crying. The bike man asked what the problem was and I narrated it to him in Hausa. The bike man was angry and he told the man to come down before he caused a scene. The man came down and the bike man took me to the bank. On the way, he kept apologizing. Till today, I still feel uncomfortable when I have to use a bike now.
Ify
Last year, I was raped in my own room. I am a radio presenter. I had a colleague who I used to work with before I changed stations. We had had sex twice in the past but I didn’t enjoy it because he was rough. Months after I left where we used to work together, he messaged me saying he missed me and would like to know if I was down for a sleepover. I had turned him down many times before but that faithful Wednesday in October 2020, I agreed to let him sleepover on the condition that we won’t have sex. He agreed and said that he missed talking to me. I believed him.
He got to my house by 10:30 pm that Thursday. I told him before he came that I had to be up the next day at 5 am and he was okay with me going to bed by 11 pm but that’s when the nightmare started. I shared my small bed with him and he knows that I am a cuddle bunny so he offered to cuddle me till I fall asleep. I agreed because I thought he would respect the no-sex rule I had set but he started trying to fondle my boobs. I wiggled out of his embrace and I held my body in a way that he couldn’t get under my blouse but he kept trying. When he realized he couldn’t touch my breasts, he went for my butt and vagina. I remained curled in the most uncomfortable position instead of telling him to stop because I was too stunned.
His hands eventually found a way into my pants but I removed his hands and laid on my chest to stop him but he took that as an invitation to sex. He got up, undressed and proceeded to penetrate me from behind. He did not even use a condom. I was stunned for few seconds but I was able to gather myself and push him away. I ran to the bathroom where I peed and started crying. I was struggling to process what had just happened and it was already late into the night. I managed to get some sleep amid frightful dreams.
I confronted him when I was ready to go to work and he was about to leave. His response was “I’m ashamed of myself.” After work, I came home to my room and cried my eyes out. By evening, I was feeling suicidal. I blocked him on WhatsApp but unblocked him on Saturday to talk about everything that happened and he said “Stop trying to paint this as a rape incident. I didn’t rape you. Sorry if that’s what you think but I didn’t rape you”. I asked him if in the past when we had sex if I was ever unresponsive to touch and he said no. I asked why he assumed that my unresponsiveness this time meant that I wanted it despite everything that I had told him before he came over and he kept mute. I blocked him on every social media platform after that conversation.
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Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old heterosexual woman who has never had penetrative sex because she’s embarrassed by the way her vagina looks. She talks about having to rely on just masturbation for her sexual gratification.
What was your first-ever sexual experience?
I was 11 the first time I watched porn. I had a slightly older cousin who always brought over a bunch of “blue film” VHS tapes whenever he visited, and my grandmother’s aunty — not sure what to call her — would watch them with him.
One day, I stayed home from school because I was sick and ended up watching it with them. They thought I was sleeping, but my eyes were open. That’s when my grandmother’s aunty started telling my cousin about her past sexual experiences.
She said whenever they went to the river as young girls, they would go to the part where the waterfall was gushing and put their private parts in front of it. She said it was good enough to replace a man.
Omo. I don’t even know where to start.
LMAO. After that day, I found out where my cousin hid the tapes, so I started watching them a lot. It was in one of them that I saw a woman using a showerhead to masturbate, and I immediately remembered the waterfall story.
So, when I took my bath that evening, I used the showerhead on myself and loved it.
How often did you do it?
Not very often because I started feeling religious guilt. I had just received my first holy communion as a catholic, so whenever I did it, I would have to go for confession. Then I went to boarding school, and there weren’t any showerheads.
What was your first experience with another person?
My first kiss was with a girl. I went to an all-girls school in my senior year, and I remember dancing with one of my classmates. We kept moving in closer and, for some reason, we just kissed. There was no tongue though.
The first person I kissed with tongue was a boy. I was in 100L, and it was very bad. He shoved his tongue down my throat, bit my lower lip and hit his teeth against mine. My lip and gum were bleeding. I remember crying when I got back to the hostel.
Damn. That sounds horrible.
Yup. I was really expecting some Cinderella-type kiss. No such luck.
What about sex?
I was legitimately terrified of getting pregnant, so sex wasn’t even up for discussion.
Why were you so terrified?
For some context, I was abused when I was seven years old. I didn’t mention it earlier because I don’t consider it a “sexual experience”. Anyway, while I was in the hospital, following the abuse, one of my aunties came to see my mother and me.
She told my mother that girls who get abused as young as I did always grow up to be ashewos because they already know how it feels to be touched by a man. She said I was now more likely to get pregnant early because I would be promiscuous.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Yup. My mum was very young at the time. She was in university when I got abused, and she felt so guilty that she almost dropped out. I was just a child, but I could see how my aunty’s words were getting to her.
My mum cried so much, even long after my aunty had left. So, I made a vow to myself, right there in the hospital, that I wouldn’t get pregnant. I wanted to prove my aunty wrong and make my mother proud.
I was horny all the time in secondary school, but I was too scared of getting pregnant to ever jump fence and collect dick. Even when my mates would do it and come back to testify, I just stuck to masturbating.
Wow. How long did your resolve last?
I was still afraid of having sex when I got to university, but I had this roommate who told me all the fun things I could do without penetration, from fondling to oral sex. So, when I met this guy I liked in 200L, he became the first person I experimented with.
I made it clear that I didn’t want penetrative sex, so we only made out and fondled each other. I never allowed him to take my underwear off because I was scared of crossing that boundary. He would always beg to put just the tip in, but I never let him.
He eventually got so frustrated that he freed me.
What happened after him?
I got a boyfriend a few months later, and he was the first person I let take my underwear off. I remember exactly how he reacted when he saw my vagina for the first time. He stepped back in shock, and I just had to pretend as if I didn’t notice.
He now used style to move to my breast and pull my underwear back up. I remember freezing on the bed and wanting to cry. We continued making out, and he got so into the moment that he pulled it back down and fingered me. I guess he got over the shock.
Wait. Why was he so shocked in the first place?
I think the manner in which I was abused as a child altered the way my vagina looks. It wasn’t penetrative abuse, but he used to pull at my labia and play with it. That caused my labia minora to become larger than my labia majora.
Since I started watching porn at a pretty young age, I had seen what a vagina was meant to look like — the labia minora was always tucked in and perfect — but mine looked nothing like that.
Then when I went to secondary school, girls didn’t waste any time telling me how ugly my vagina looked. It became so bad that I would wait for everyone to finish before I took my bath. I always got punished for being late, but it was better than being made fun of.
Wow. I’m so sorry. So, what happened with that boyfriend?
The next day, when he came to pick me to go watch a movie, he asked me if I smoked. Apparently, my vagina looked like I had been smoking and doing stuff for years. He was basically saying I had the vagina of an ashewo.
I got angry, cancelled our date and stayed home crying for the rest of the day. That was the last time I ever showed anyone my vagina. Even now, I never make out with the lights on.
Damn. How has this affected your sex life?
After that experience with my boyfriend, I became insecure about taking my clothes off in front of him. He eventually got tired and cheated on me, so we broke up. For the rest of my early 20s, I limited all my sexual activity to dry humping and masturbating.
Whenever a guy indicated any interest in me, I would make it clear that penetration was off the table. I became very good at dry humping and giving hand jobs, and that’s all I did until I graduated.
Did you date anyone again?
No, but I did meet a guy I had a mad crush on. He wasn’t fine like that, but there was something about him. Every time he talked to me and touched me, I wouldn’t be able to stop imagining how great he would be in bed.
He had a girlfriend, so I knew I couldn’t make a move at the time. They broke up, but during a pool party we all attended, I coincidentally shared a shower stall with her and caught a glimpse of her vagina. It was perfect, like pornstar perfect.
I immediately felt insecure. I couldn’t imagine him going from her perfect vagina to mine, so I withdrew. He kept trying to make a move, but I wasn’t being responsive. He also moved on, and I felt so bad. I ended up becoming a bit obsessed with him.
Obsessed? How so?
He started dating someone else, and I was actively stalking both of them on social media, waiting to hear that they’d broken up so I could swoop in. I would even masturbate to his image in anticipation of their break up.
At this point, the fear of pregnancy was no longer the reason I was not having sex; I was saving myself for this man. I wanted him to be my first penetrative experience. He was all I could think about.
Omo. Were you, at least, hooking up with other people?
Yeah. I met this guy during a work event and we clicked. He made me feel very comfortable, and he ended up being the first person to ever give me head. The lights were off, of course, but I was still scared he’d notice how it looked.
Not sure if he didn’t notice or care, but he didn’t react. He just got straight to work, and it was amazing. I gave him head too — I had watched a lot of porn in anticipation — and he came. I was very proud of myself, considering it was my first time.
So, we became friends with benefits, but we never had penetrative sex.
You were still waiting for that guy and his babe to break up?
Yeah. Then I heard that they had gotten engaged, and I was heartbroken. This news, coupled with the fact that I had just lost my job and was about to turn 30, made me become very depressed. I couldn’t stop crying.
When I told my friend what was going on, she got worried and invited me to come to stay at her place. She and her husband were very accommodating. I was their guest for about a month, and it ended up changing my sex life.
Ah. How? A threesome?
LMAO. No. One day, while I was helping my friend get something from her room, I spotted a small sex toy among her belongings. Immediately everyone had left for work, I went back for it, googled how to use it and got to work.
This was the first time something was penetrating me, so I had to use a lot of lube. It was a bit uncomfortable at first, but it still felt amazing. I increased the intensity of the vibration, and it was mind-blowing. I came a few minutes later.
Did you use it again?
I kept using it every day until the lube had reduced to an amount I thought she would have noticed. When I returned home, I needed to buy my own sex toy — my hands were no longer enough for me.
I was scared of using my ATM card to buy online because I didn’t want it to show on my account. So, I travelled to Abuja to go buy it. I lied I was going to look for a job, but I knew the real reason.
I came back with a bunch of toys. At the time, I was living with my mum. I knew I couldn’t comfortably use my toys in her house and that motivated me to move out. I was still broke and jobless, but I found a way.
LMAO. Wow. I have to hail your conviction.
See, I was ready. On my 30th birthday, I bought 3 packs of Chicken Republic rice and spent the entire day masturbating. I took a break to go see my mother, but I ran back and continued masturbating until the next morning.
Damn. So, what’s your sex life like now?
It’s just a lot of masturbating. I’m still insecure about how my vagina looks, and now, I have added a lot of weight, so I’m insecure about my body too. I’m just focused on my toys. They satisfy me, and one of them even made me squirt.
So you don’t want a relationship?
Of course, I do. As much as my toys satisfy me, I would still like to be held after I come. That being said, I’m scared. I’m scared of how obsessed I became with that crush; I’m scared that I’m not wife material; I’m scared that no man will ever like my body.
I’m sorry. Do you think you’ll ever try to have penetrative sex?
I have a dream of saving enough money to get surgery that will fix the way my vagina looks. I’m currently broke and jobless, so I don’t know if that will happen anytime soon, but if it does, then I’ll be confident enough to try penetrative sex.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I’ll give it an 8 because what you don’t know won’t kill you. I’ve never had any fulfilling sexual experience with the opposite sex. All I know are my hands and my toys, and they have been good to me.
I spend a substantial amount of time on Twitter. More than I’m even willing to admit. I ironically however never tweet. A couple of days ago I stumbled across this tweet and flew into a rage.
The average Nigerian woman tends to prefer sex by coercion or harassment. I had a conversation about this yesterday and the day before. Ladies, there's no need to say no when you want sex, hoping that he will persist.
More worrisome than the tweet itself were the replies to it. A ton of Nigerian men agreed with him. And even a couple of women admitted to having encouraged men to persuade them into having sex in the past.
I ranted to a coworker about how our purity culture prevents women from embracing their sexualities. And how someone could equate that with women preferring sex by coercion or harassment was beyond me.
For most Nigerian women the summary of the ‘sex talk’ they got if any was never to have sex outside of marriage. If you did, you’d get pregnant and die, and even more horrifying be tagged a loose woman with no morals. But we weren’t taught that our bodies are genetically wired to want sex. And when we discovered that a conflict arose. Do we give into these carnal desires we had been taught only loose women felt or stay true to what we’ve been taught and ‘save ourselves’ for marriage?
It’s 2019 and women of this generation are more sexually progressive. They are able to recognise that having and enjoying sex within or out of the confines of marriage is nothing to be ashamed of. But an internal conflict continues to rage for many women when they find themselves engaged in sexual activities. On one hand they are thinking ‘this feel nice and I want to go all the way’. On the other hand, they are dealing with the guilt of going against everything they’ve been taught by parents and society.
A couple of hours after the tweet went viral, @orekagodis started a conversation on her Instagram page. She wanted to know what people thought about this man’s bold declaration. Going through the conversation, I noticed a pattern emerge. The men seemed to think that women did indeed want to be coerced into sex and gave a couple of anecdotes. The women, on the other hand, said in summary ‘please keep your penises to yourselves, we don’t want that’.
Another troubling pattern I noticed going through both her thread and the replies to the original tweet was the difference in the use of English between men and women who were engaging in the conversation. The original tweet used the words coerced and harassed. Other men who were chipping into the conversation used words like ‘forced’ and ‘pressured‘. The women, on the other hand, used words like ‘convinced‘ and ‘encouraged‘.
If you looked past the choice of words you might understand the logic behind the tweet. Nigerian women often do want to be convinced into engaging in sexual activity because they’ve been taught for so long that their sexuality was something to be ashamed of. And desiring sex was wanton. They want to be convinced that having sex doesn’t mean they are loose or skanky.
But you can’t look pass the choice of words. Coercing, harassing, forcing, pressuring anyone into having sex with you is rape. And that’s because rape doesn’t always have to be violent. As long as consent wasn’t given rape occurs. Using coercion and force to get your way with someone strips the other person of the ability to consent.
The most dangerous thing about peddling this sort of narrative. Is that it gives rapists and sexual assaulters a justification for their actions. ‘Her mouth was saying no, but her body was saying yes’ ‘It wasn’t rape she just needed to be coerced into sex’
The disconnect between how both women and men were engaging with the tweet, led me to make a poll. This bold claim was being made on behalf of women by men. Which as we all familiar with, is a pattern with Nigerian men. I shared the poll with as many people as I could and on Twitter, and 50 women took part in it. Here’s what I found:
100% of the women who took the poll didn’t want to be coerced or even persuaded into having sex. Even though 38.8% of them struggled with embracing their sexualities because of everything from parental expectations to societal pressure. Despite struggling to see sex as a casual activity they could engage in without feeling guilty, these women knew exactly what they wanted and it wasn’t to be coerced into having sex.
55.5% of these women, however, had been coerced into having sex at some point in their lives. Sometimes more than once. And in each case, they neither wanted it nor asked for it. 6% of the women who had been coerced into having sex felt it was somehow their fault and they had encouraged it. And one woman wasn’t sure if it was her fault or not.
Let me expatiate on this a little bit. This 6 % of women had stated they didn’t want to be pressured into having sex, had however been pressured into having sex at some point in their lives and now thought it was something they had done or not done that brought this on. To encourage openness I made this poll anonymous but to that 6 % of women, I have one thing to say – It was not your fault and you didn’t ask for it.
‘Have you been in any situation where you said no to sex but really meant yes?94% of the women in this poll gave a definite no to this question. Exactly 3 women admitted having done it. For one woman it was because she knew she’d regret it after, for another, it was dealing with the guilt brought on by purity culture, and the last because she didn’t want to be seen as a hoe.
There are about 100 million women in Nigeria, and the voices of 50 women out of that number is a pin drop in the ocean. However, it is 50 more women than were consulted in the making of the tweet that triggered this article, and the ensuing replies. And those 50 voices are all saying one thing. ‘We don’t want to be coerced, harassed, forced or pressured into sex.
