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  • We’ve all been there—sneaking a peek at that forbidden movie, or quickly shutting off the TV when our parents walk in. For many of us, childhood movie memories are filled with secrecy, disciplinary punishments and occasional embarrassment.

    But what happened when we were caught? We asked five Nigerians to share their most memorable childhood movie moments; the ones that earned them a scolding, a slap on the wrist, or a beating.

    Iyiola, 24

    Growing up in a Christian home, everything we watched was scrutinised.

    My mom banned us from watching Ben 10 because she believed the aliens were demons. That was 2006, around the time a pastor said he went to heaven, came back to earth and saw Ben 10 characters. The ban extended to the Wizards of Waverly Place because of magic, and then the Disney channels because of the high-school love scenes, boyfriend-girlfriend issues were too much for us. She also stopped us from watching House of Anubis because of the eye symbol. She detested anything with eye symbols.

    Ayanfe, 28

    It was Campus Girls, a film about university girls who like to go out to meet sugar daddies. They kissed on screen and all. My uncle, who rented the film, didn’t allow us to watch it but I snuck back to the parlour to watch it and they saw me. I was seven years old, but they beat me too much, I almost saw Jesus that day.

    But to be honest, I don’t get why they beat me. Those actors had clothes on when they made out. It wasn’t different from other Yoruba films we saw. They didn’t beat me for watching Papa Ajasco that introduced Cossy Orjiakor that had all her boobs out and made Papa Ajasco shout “Oooh gbigbigbigbi.” I knew Cossy from there. Boy Alinco always said sexual things too. I wonder why it wasn’t an issue.

    Now, the reason I hate that they beat people for watching explicit things more is another situation with my uncle when I was 11. I went to collect music CDs from him — 50 Cent, Ja Rule, etc. While selecting the CDs I wanted, I saw one that had “Blue Film” written on it. I played it, and saw “BJ” on screen. I was surprised and curious to see the rest, so I took it home. They caught me and beat the shit out of me. They didn’t hear the story that it was my uncle’s CD, or ask why he let a kid near that type of content. They rained all the blame and punishment on me.

    Vanessa, 24

    I got a VCD of 300, but we (my siblings and my mom) didn’t know what to expect from it. We decided to watch it while my mom was out. When she came back, it was still playing, but we had gone outside to carry what she brought home from her car.

    When we entered, it was around the time the characters made out. My mom vexed and started asking, “What sort of rubbish are you watching?” and stuff. She shouted so much. Luckily, no cane. But she banned us from watching TV in her absence.

    Juwon, 35

    I was 12 and I skipped school one day to watch Fatal Attraction, a film that my neighbour had rented the day before and recommended we watch together. NEPA took light while we were at it. I tried using a screwdriver to open up the VHS player, but my old man met us when he came home during work break (unlike him). The whippings my dad gave me that day were insane.

    Funke, 24

    Instead of getting into trouble for watching certain films on my own, my uncles allowed me to stay and created one for me. When Spartacus and Game of Thrones were released and the pirated versions started making rounds in Nigeria, I was around 11 or 12. I developed an affinity for films when I was younger, so when my uncles watched films, I was allowed to sit in with them. As you know, Spartacus and Game of Thrones had plenty of sex scenes. So, whenever the sex scenes started, they’d send me out of the sitting room, “Oya. Go to the passage. We’ll call you back soon.”

    Soon enough, I started telling the vibe and left the room whenever the sex scenes were about to start. I don’t even know if it made them [my uncles] impressed or wary. 

    It’s funny that some years later, I saw Game of Thrones again and watched all the sex scenes and it felt like a “What’s even there? Mtcheeew” moment. What was the point of sending me outside at every sex scene? It was unnecessary, unhelpful and stressful. I hated it.

  • Call it what you want — cyberstalking, cyberbullying or trolling  — it doesn’t change what it really is. Since social media became a global means of communication, it has become common to troll or bully anyone just for fun.

    There’s a chance anyone can call it freedom of speech and harmless trolling, the Nigerian law sees it as cyber-stalking and can put you in trouble. 

    Although the main victims have been content creators, influencers and public figures, cyber-stalking happens to people around the world every day in several shapes and forms.

    Now, if you’re asking yourself,  “What is considered cyberbullying in Nigeria, and how can it put me in trouble?” Here are your answers. 

    What Does The Nigerian Law Say About  Cyberstalking? 

    Let’s forget our lawmakers’ previous efforts to ban social media or regulate its usage, Nigeria has laws that can incriminate some of your actions on social media.  

    According to Section 15 of the Cybercrime Act in 2015:

    Section 15 of the Cyber-stalking Act

    The act also states that any person(s) who sends messages with the intent to; harass, blackmail, bully or threaten another individual in such a way that causes fear of death, violence and anxiety may be convicted of a jail sentence between five to ten years, a fine between ₦15,000,000 and ₦25,000,000 or both imprisonment and fines. 

    What Does This Mean In Layman’s Terms?

    It turns out that even if you don’t mean it, anything you say or do on social media can be used against you in a court of law — literally.

    If your comments were deemed defamatory, insulting, misleading or violent by their recipient, you might have to speak to their lawyers next. 

    [ad]

    Have These Laws Ever Been Applied? 

    Yes. Many artists and public figures have taken this legal  “no gree for anybody” anthem seriously this year and in the past.

    Lawsuits have been filed against online trolls from public figures like Mercy Chinwo, Nathaniel Bassey, Mayorkun, Eniola Badmus, and Chef Dami.

    Although not all these cases make it to court or jail like that of Iyabo Ojo and Lizzy Anjorin, it would be best to avoid it happening in the first place. Who knows? It could be your turn and your village people decide to sprinkle trouble in it for you. 

    To catch up with more unpopular laws in Nigeria, here’s Nigeria’s take on abortion.

  • Should you be riding okada or kneeling down? Find out here:

  • Sometimes, parents grow wings and start keeping late nights and other such things. Here are some effective ways to punish your parents and prevent matters from getting out of hand.

    1. Tell them to face the wall

    Tell them to face the wall and think about what they’ve done. Make sure you check on them every 20 minutes to find out if they’ve learnt their lesson.

    2. Tell them to write “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again” 500 times

    It can be more or less, depending on your mood, but they need to write it as many times as possible to show they’re truly sorry.

    3. Change their password

    If they can’t unlock their phone, they won’t be able to get in touch with those friends that are corrupting them. Restricting websites they can visit is a plus.

    4. Seize their phone

    If they somehow figure out the new password, just seize their phone. No phone, no problem.

    5. Start giving them one piece of meat

    When you start giving them one piece of meat, they will know that something is wrong somewhere. They will definitely adjust their behaviour after that.

    6. Lock them in their room

    This might seem extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures. If they keep misbehaving after you’ve tried everything, simply lock them in their room. It’s the most efficient way to punish your parents.

  • So I have an idea for a new version of hell.

    In this version, people don’t know they’re dead and are in everyday scenarios they experienced while they were alive. The only difference is that they’re now stuck in a loop of very uncomfortable situations and the frustration drives them insane.

    Uncomfortable situations like:

    1) Being stuck in traffic while you have to take a hot, watery shit.

    Traffic of biblical proportions.

    2) Trying to fall asleep because you’re exhausted but not being able to because every part of your bed is wet with sweat.

    Silent night. Never-ending night.

    3) Having an itch in your throat all the time.

    And no amount of throat scratching will help.

    4) Trying to sleep but not being able to because both sides of the pillow are hot and uncomfortable.

    5) Constantly trying to charge your almost dead phone because you’re expecting an important phone call but all you have is a charger with a faulty, shaky cable.

    Then you have to deal with the sound of the phone connecting and disconnecting every few seconds.

    6) Lining up for what seems like forever at an ATM only for it to get to your turn and you discover that the money has finished.

    Then you begin the process at another ATM.

    7) Picking beans for all eternity.

    A bottomless sack of beans.

    8) Deciding to cook beans (because it’s the only thing available) but it literally takes forever to cook.

    And you have to stand there and watch the pot boil while you starve.

    9) Having to listen to music with a pair of earphones that has only one shaky ear working.

    10) Purging and having to wipe your ass with strong toilet paper.

    THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

  • To be honest, 90s kids suffered. We were just too young to know that suffering is not the same as discipline or love.

    1. Whenever you buy anything, even if it’s maggi, put inside a nylon.

    Opening Ceremony Super Large Tote In Red | ModeSens

    Nobody must see what they sent you.

    2. When they give you food, you show it to your parents first.

    8 Crazy Things Nigerian Parents Flog You For | Zikoko!

    Otherwise…

    3. If you attend any birthday party, you must not taste anything.

    End Time? Watch How These Kids Danced Seductively At A Birthday ...

    Bring everything home. Every single thing in that party pack must be complete.

    4. Always grind pepper in this container.

    Custard powder at Home | Cornershop - Canada

    Always the custard container, and God help you if you decide to play football on the way and pour the pepper away.

    5. Misplacing money used to send you on an errand is equal to death.

    YOU KNOW HIM? The Boy In The Viral Crying Meme Reveals The Story ...

    Just ‘lost’ with the money and don’t return home.

    6. If a trader refuses to collect an item you were asked to return, it is death.

    Please collect it from my hand, anything you are looking for in your life, you will see it.

    7. When you mistakenly interrupt an adult conversation.

    So you have chosen death Blank Template - Imgflip

    Because that’s what you will certainly get.

    QUIZ: Only People Who Speak Fluent ‘Nigerian Parent’ Can Get 10/13

  • Let’s face it, there are punishments and then there are PUNISHMENTS clearly invented by people who hated children. It’s understandable that kids can be stubborn and that it’s important to discipline them once in a while. But, come on, why would you try to kill a child in the name of punishing them? Nigerian parents and teachers are at the forefront of meting out such punishments.

    We’ve listed some of these outrageous punishments here because we are patiently waiting for the government to ban them. Hopefully, this list won’t give you PTSD.

    Pick Pin

    OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

    The worst on this list is perhaps the pick pin. When adults ask children to pick pin, what they mean is for them to hang one leg in the air and point one finger to the ground. They are to remain in that position until their hanging leg gives out or until the adult feels like they’ve suffered enough. This one will make you feel like your soul is entering the ground. The worst part is that if the adult is extra evil, they’ll flog you if you dare twitch. The government must ban this one first, and ensure that adults who mete out this kind of punishment get jail time.

    Frog Jump

    Up-down, Up-down, Up-down. Your thighs feel like they’re about to tear. Your heart feels like it’s about to explode. Your knees are about to give way. You’re crying and shouting, “I’ll never do it again!” When they finally “release” you, you’ll just go to sleep. Only God knows if you came to this world to be a frog.

    Okada

    Thinking about the possibility of being punished like this can make you desist from whatever crime you’re about to commit. You’ll be asked to stay in a “squat” position and ensure your back stays at a “angu 90” with your legs. Essentially, you’re supposed to ride an imaginary okada — as per, you’re now an okada man. This punishment is designed to kill.

    Suck Your Thumb

    This one isn’t as easy or straightforward as it sounds. You will be asked to stand on one leg, raise the other leg up, put an arm under the raised leg, and then suck the thumb on that hand. Try it and see if you won’t be singing, “Pass me not o gentle saviour” in 30 seconds.

    Kneel Down and Fly Your Arms

    This one will fuck you up. You think it’s just kneeling down, but it’s not. It’s probably the simplest of all 5, but if you do it long enough, you will regret making noise in class and calling Mayowa a mango head when he wrote your name on the noisemakers’ list

    If you know the person who invented any of these punishments, please let us know. We just want to tell them something.

  • All Nigerians are the same. There might be several ethnic groups and religions between us, but there are certain attributes we all share that make us similar. It’s even worse when you’re a Nigerian parent.

    We’ve concluded that there must be a school everyone goes to learn how to “parent” before they have children and we’re here to tell you everything they teach in that school. 

    Here’s a list of Topics in the syllabus of Nigerian Parents’ Schools.

    How to blame your child for the mistakes you made.

    As a parent, when you make a mistake, you must realise that parents cannot make mistakes. It’s simply impossible.

    What’s the next best thing? Finding a way to blame your child. I mean that’s what our parents do, right? Say you’re looking for your glasses and you become frustrated. All you need to do is shout at the top of your voice and ask your child why they can’t help you look for your glasses, even though they didn’t know you were looking for your glasses.

    When they protest with, “But I didn’t know…” Say something like, “So you could not think that I might misplace my glasses and help me keep it somewhere abi?” And when they point out you’ve been wearing your glasses all along, blame them for putting it on your face without your knowledge.

    How to shout at the top of your voice.

    It doesn’t matter if you look like this, just keep shout.

    If you don’t shout, you’re weak. You must shout even if they’re right next to you. Show dominance. 

    It’s always your child’s duty to get the remote next to you.

    After having a child and breastfeeding them, you should never work again. When there’s a remote beside you, and you need to change it from African Magic Family to African Magic Yoruba, please don’t pick it. If you’ve shouted for your child to come and get it and they don’t hear, pick up your phone from right beside the remote, and call them. When they get there tell them to help you pass the remote. Parenting 101

    Up your sarcasm game.

    Sarcasm shows intelligence, and you’re intelligent. There’s also no better way for a child to learn than fear. Say things like, “Come and put it on my head na,” when your child asks an innocent question on where to put something you’ve asked him to get. And when they tell you they’re hungry as you cook, say something like, “As you can see, I’m playing here.” Then there’s the classical, “Oh, so I’m stupid? ehn? Answer me, am I stupid?”

    Idle Hands are the Devil’s Workshop

    There must be a chore in the house for your child even when they’ve done all possible chores. So find something for your child to do. Work builds character. 

    How to beat children to the rhythm of their voice.

    When you’re beating your child for staring too long at a visitor’s food, make sure the beating rhymes with their voice as they cry. It’s nice to have some fun in this world of stress. 

    How to keep money for your children

    When your children get money from their uncle, tell them you want to help them keep it so that nobody steals it. Then proceed to steal it. When they ask for it in the future, say these words “All the food you’ve been eating in this house, did you pay for it”?

  • 1. So, when some of your seniors were hot, we heard they made you people fan them and say ‘Haier Thermocool’ at the same time?

    2. Please, somebody told us a senior made them go under and help her kill cockroaches and sleep under her bed

    3. Small play with these seniors and next thing you hear, ‘go and hang on the burglar proof’

    4. This one is the most legendary punishment, oya if you pushed car that they drew on a wall, say ‘aye’

    5. If they want to pity you small, they’ll just ask you to spell your name with your bum on the floor

    6. Bedwetters, we feel for you, so some seniors made you carry your bed on your head when you did your stuvz?

    7. If a senior ever gave you fifty naira to buy 150 rice and 7 meat with Lacaera and to bring change , you are not alone, we plenty for here