What classic Nigerian album from the 2010s are you? Take this quiz to find out!
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As kids, we did a lot of things that we look back on and shake our heads. Do you know the most hilarious one? Realizing that half the songs we were singing with passion as kids are unbelievably sexual, filthy or littered with sexual metaphors.
Today, we are going to take a look at some of those songs.
Do Me by P.Square
Maybe I am a little bit slow but it didn’t click in my head that the P-Square brothers were telling random women at the club to do them (as in, sleep with them). Do you know how shocked and gagged I was when I realized what I had sung along to all those years? God safe us.
Ur Waist by Iyanya
Unlike Do Me where a lot of us actually had no inkling, Ur Waist was much more overtly sexual and obvious. However, due to how popular and mainstream the song was, we still had many kids bumping and grinding to this despite how unbelievably inappropriate it was. Hell, I think I remember them playing this at children’s birthday parties.
Kerewa by Zule Zoo
I think I can say that a lot of us didn’t really know what Kerewa was about the first time we heard it. I know I definitely had no idea, and when I found out I was like, ‘surely, you lie!’ Turns out they weren’t lying, and we were spitting trash as kids. I think that explains a lot about our lives now.
Bizzy Body by P.Square
P.Square had a knack for making overtly sexual songs come across as very tame. This is hella impressive because the song had the lines ‘If I catch you, I go turn you on, when I grab you, to the break of dawn, you go loose control.’ I think at this point we can all agree that almost every song we listened to as kids were very sexual.
Kondo by Dagrin
This is a bop, I have to say that first of all. Secondly, this is possibly the most detailed sexual bop on this list, my God. There’s a line that goes ‘Na today, me and you go do it all’ and you know what? I stan.
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In the late 2000s to the mid-2010s, the biggest music trend in Nigeria was releasing a song with an accompanying dance move. We saw basically every artist release a song that was essentially an instruction audio and video on how to nail club moves. From Wizkid to Olamide, everyone who was somebody in Nigeria’s music industry at the time released one of these. Today, we are ranking the very best of the best dance moves from the late 2000s to mid-2010s.
Yahooze
I was really young when Yahooze came out so maybe that’s why it doesn’t seem like such a good dance or a big dance moment to me but I have some questions. How did Olu Maintain convince the millennials and boomers that they were dancing by throwing two fingers in the air? What was happening? I need answers.
Shakiti Bobo
Now I’ll admit it, I liked this song when it came out. However, I am of the very strong opinion that this was one of Nigeria’s worst dance moves. And the reason I say this is because it was so painful to do.
Alanta
I personally think the movements for Alanta were really weird. But that said, it is possibly one of my favourite dance moves to come out from Nigeria. It was chaotic but fun as hell.
Skelewu
This was my jam. For those who know and were fans of Davido back then, this song had an unofficial video as well as the official video. I watched both and I was obsessed with them both. This song was released in the thick of the ‘every hit song needs it’s own dance move’ phase and it was so good and ticked all the right boxes. Great song? Check. Bomb video? Check. Crazy and stressful dance moves? Check.
Shoki
I believe Shoki was one of the best dance phenomenons to ever hit Nigeria. It was relatively easy and all the songs that were titled Shoki were actually good. So it’s easy to see why it had us in such a chokehold. It was a game-changer and is possibly one of the best dance move that has ever hit the Nigerian music scene. I have like three shoki songs on permanent repeat till today, it’s just that good.
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Have you ever listened to a heartbreak song and wondered what exactly the person who wrote it has gone or is going through? If the answer is yes, then you are not alone. Not only have we wondered about this but we have also listened to some classic songs and are beyond convinced that Nigerian men are the reason some of them even exist. Here are five songs we are sure were written because of Nigerian men.
Brick and Lace – Love Is Wicked
Every time I listen to this song, I wonder what Brick and Lace were going through when they sat down to write and record one of the most iconic bops of the 2000s? The answer is simple: a Nigerian man. Don’t ask me how I know this. Just listen to the song and tell me that it doesn’t have a Nigerian man written all over it.
Leona Lewis – Bleeding Love
I remember listening to this as a kid and singing it with the passion of a thousand suns. I also remember listening to it as a teenager and thinking “Damn. Sis is going through it.” Now as an adult, I listen to it and can’t shake the feeling that a Nigerian man is the root of this song. There’s a line that goes “everyone’s looking ’round, thinking I’m going crazy, oh but I don’t care what they say, I’m in love with you.” This is literally the M.O of Nigerian men. Everyone will be telling you to run but you’ll be telling them that they don’t know him like you do. That’s until of course they embarrass you and leave your heart bleeding for real.
Beyonce – Irreplaceable
Beyonce opened this song with “To the left, everything you own in the box to the left” as she was chasing the man from her house after breaking up with him. Please, how am I supposed to believe this song isn’t about an Abuja man who has been squatting with her since they began their relationship? What argument can you make against that? To make it worse, the man went to her front to tell her that she’ll never find another man like him even though he was cheating? This has the guts and gumption of a Nigerian man living in Abuja written all over it.
Kelly Clarkson – Since U Been Gone
Speaking on breaking up, Since U Been Gone is a beautiful song by Kelly Clarkson and at first, I didn’t think it had anything to do with a Nigerian man. Then I heard the line ‘How come I’d never hear you say, I just wanna be with you?, Guess you never felt that way’ that’s when it clicked in me, this is how Nigerian men refuse to commit to relationships so that they can remain on the streets. You’ll ask them ‘do you want to be with me?’and a typical Nigerian man will respond with ‘ah, why else would I be here?’ Answer the damn question, Femi.
Taylor Swift – We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
This one isn’t just about a Nigerian man, it’s about a Yoruba man. One of the first lines in this song is ‘cause like, we hadn’t seen each other in a month when you said you needed space.’ Little does Taylor Swift know, that the Yoruba man she is dating has a wife that has given birth and that’s why he needs space. Nigerian men strike again.
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When it comes to playing ‘bad boys’ in old Nollywood, no one quite did it like Jim Iyke. He was a leader of cultist groups, a lone big boy on campus and sometimes, just a regular guy who enjoyed terrorizing a whole city and dare I say, he did it better than everyone else – which isn’t easy because everyone was doing it then.
To celebrate this icon and to explain why we are all obsessed with him, we are going to share six reasons Jim Iyke played the ‘old Nollywood bad boy’ role better than everyone else.
He always had an axe in his pocket
I’m not quite sure how Jim moved around with at least two small axes in his pockets without mistakenly chopping off his testicles but he did it and that just goes to show that he sabi the work. Also, why small axes? Who uses small axes? The answer = Jim Iyke.
Jim Iyke insulted people like he was waxing poetry
I would pay money for Jim Iyke to be rude to me and I am not kidding. Jim Iyke insulted people in a way that made it hard for you to not laugh. In Boy’s Cot, a film where Jim played a character who was super poor after university then turned to fraud and made big bank, Jim came across his ex-girlfriend and his friend – the friend had in the past lent money to Jim but now was dating Jim’s ex-girlfriend that left Jim because he was broke. After Jim gave said friend ₦500,000 to pay him for the ₦150,000 he owed him – let’s keep in mind that this was the early 2000s so that was really a lot of money – he turned to his girlfriend and then gave her ₦100,000 because, in his words, he remembers that she loves money and also had some cheap things. After a moment’s pause, he said ‘nah, I’m not that generous, give me back my money.’ The way I screamed after that scene, wow!
For some reason, Jim always had money on him
Speaking of money, another reason Jim was undeniably iconic is that not only did he always play the role of the rich kid, but for some reason, he always had a lot of physical cash on him. Who moves around with a briefcase or Ghana-Must-Go bags full of hundreds and maybe millions of Naira? Jim Iyke, that’s who.
He was a fashion boy
I’ll start considering the other old Nollywood bad boys icons when they get their fashion game on to the same level with Jim Iyke. This man has been serving us looks forever! Whether he is wearing suits, jeans and a durag, to that one time he only wore jeans and a single, a versatile fashion icon. He deserves a CFDA fashion icon award, that’s all I’m saying.
No one has nailed the bad boy accent quite like Jim Iyke
If you watched old Nollywood movies, then you know the one I am talking about: basically, imagine a mix of the American accent with a British accent with something that sounds like what people consider a Jamaican accent. The other boys definitely tried but Jim Iyke? He never needed to try, he was born for it!
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Everyone is secretly the product of an old Nollywood couple combination. Take this quiz to find out which old Nollywood couple combination you secretly are.
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Nollywood is the gift that just keeps giving. I obsess over Old Nollywood in particular because I think almost every scene and phrase used in it is simply very iconic. Today, we present four things from Old Nollywood that will make you go WTF.
Nollywood Parents Immediately Assuming Their Daughter Is Pregnant Because She Threw Up
Nollywood daugher runs out of the house (I have no absolute idea why they always run, why are they never just in a place where they can casually access the bathroom or something?) and throws up, her mother appearsfrom no where and asks ‘Nkechi, what happened? Nkechi, you are preganant. Nkechi, you have disgraced me.’ Each statement that begins with ‘Nkechi’ naturally is higher than the last just because. What amuses me and also makes me go WTF is that there are many reasons a person would be throwing up in the morning that doesn’t have anything to do with preganancy so why is that the universal sign of teenage and unwanted pregnancy in Nollywood.
Every Chiwetalu Agu Proverb
I genuinely believe that I first said ‘WTAF’ in reply to Chiwetalu Agu’s proverbs. The weirdest, most WTF and amazing part is that he had a custom made proverb for every movie. I would have said ‘for every character he played’ but Chiwetalu Agu has played himself in every movie he has ever been in.
Use What You Have To Get What You Want
My favorite genre of Nollywood movies are the ones that largely feature campus big girls because you know that at some point, someone will say to a newbie campus babe ‘you have to use what you have to get what you want’ and I genuinely believe this is simultaneously one of the most repeated and most hilarious Nollywood phrases.
‘Check and Balance This Na’
In the movie ‘White Hunters’, Mercy Johnson’s character says this to someone asking to check out her beauty and this is arguably one of the most WTF yet perfect phrases I have ever heard. Yes, it is now a part of my personal vocabulary.
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To say that Nollywood has given us more than enough ‘WTF is happening’ movies to last us a lifetime is an understatement. Today, we are going to go through four movie franchises from Nollywood that had us going “WTF?!” from start to finish.Blackberry Babes
The fact this franchise even exists stresses me in ways I can’t describe. The entire point of the franchise is that a bunch of girls had Blackberry phones and other girls wanted one. I understand that it was supposed to be some sort of elite thing but they made part one, two, three and kept going. If you need one more reason to watch this movie, Oge Okoye’s character, who was hanging around a store to catch men in the opening scene, went up to a man who had forgotten his wallet and used her Blackberry phone to pay for what he had bought. Now, I’m confused as to how this happened. Somehow, he used Oge’s character’s Blackberry phone to pay the store even though he didn’t ask for the store’s account number or anything. What was happening? Was technology even more advanced in Old Nollywood than it is now?
White Hunters
If you think the premise of Blackberry Babes is ridiculous, it’s still learning work when standing next to White Hunters. I just want to add that I don’t think any of the white men featured in this franchise were from either the US or the UK like they said they were. And to make it worse, none of the white men could act to save their lives. Their acting made Regina Askia look like Meryl Streep.
Beyonce and Rihanna
Somedays, I try to imagine Beyonce and Rihanna’s faces when they realized a movie ‘loosely inspired’ by them exists and then I try to imagine their faces when they watched it for the first time. Beyonce and Rihanna redefined what it means for a movie to be bad. The singing, the cringe acting, the standoffs in the middle of the road. Why does every Nollywood movie feature standoffs in the middle of a road? Are cities so small that you can just casually run into your nemesis on a road no one else is on? I think the weirdest part of Beyonce and Rihanna is that it wasn’t just one movie, it wasn’t two. It was four. And yes, I watched every single one.
Dumebi The Dirty Girl
I think this was supposed to be a comedic spin of Julia Robert’s Pretty Woman but this franchise stressed the daylight out of me. The fact that Dumebi’s parents and all the other villagers, who likely didn’t go to school or get a formal education, can speak better English than Dumebi, who dropped out, has me very confused. However, as someone who lives for chaotic Nollywood movies, this franchise has the right amount of chaos to qualify for the “It’s so bad, it’s good” category.
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Who remembers when Nollywood actors suddenly started releasing albums and songs every other month? What a time in pop culture history! To celebrate that chaotic and beautiful moment, we are ranking the best and most chaotic songs released by Nigerian actors.
Genevieve Nnaji – No More
Let me start by saying that Genevieve Nnaji is my favourite Nollywood actress and I am obsessed with everything about her. Her music career is not an exception, however, I am not obsessed with it for the reasons I think she hoped for. That said, my unpopular take is that this song isn’t bad. It is slightly cringy and had me hiding my face a bit but this is a bop for the girls.Tonto Dikeh – Itz Ova
I remember when I first came across this song. I also remember falling down to the ground minutes later unable to hold myself from having fits of laughter. This song was truly something. The fact that for the entirety of the song we don’t hear Tonto Dikeh’s actual voice is truly something else. I think if T.Pain and Rihanna on a bad day had a love-child and that child had a child with the love child of Genevieve Nnaji’s No More video and Cher from Believe (the song which invented autotune as we know it), it would be Tonto Dikeh in the Itz Ova video. I know that’s a lot but the music video for Itz Ova is a lot as well.Omotola Jalede-Ekeinde – Get Busy
I don’t remember where I was when I first heard Get Busy by Omotola and Harrysong but I know I must have felt confused and intrigued and shocked. That said, I had no clue what I expected her voice to sound like but it wasn’t this. It is very different but that was the only good thing about the song. Everything else was chaotic. She took all the worst parts of the average Nigerian song and just poured it into hers.Jim Iyke ft 2Face – Who Am I
Unlike the other music videos and songs in this list, I did not know that Jim Iyke even went into music at some point until relatively recently. I wish I could go back to when I did not know. To top it off, he has a music video with 2Face which made me wonder for a minute how he got it and if he maybe had something on 2Face. The video and song are very on-brand for Jim Iyke if we are being honest. Incredibly violent and frankly made me feel like I was being threatened.Patience Ozokwor – National Moi Moi
Do you know the hill I am willing to die on? That Patience Ozokwor’s Mama G era was nothing short of iconic. That run blessed us with quotable bops. I am forever willing to teach a course on the socialist implications of Patience Ozokwor ‘National Moi Moi’ as well as how it satirizes the entire campaign systems of African countries and the expected failures of the leaders. Karl Marx who? Mama G ended him. An iconic queen. -
Stepmothers in the golden age of Nollywood were truly something else. However, have you ever wondered which you would end up with if you were in a Nollywood movie? No need to wonder anymore. Take this quiz to find out which you deserve.