Most Lagosians have a Computer Village story; some are hilarious and others are terrifying. They range from buying a phone and seeing semo inside the box when you get home, to having someone shake your hand and realising five minutes later that your phone is gone. If you have a Computer Village horror story, you can probably relate to these seven stages:
You suddenly realise your phone is missing
Maybe it’s your first time here, so you’re wondering why everyone is hissing at you, trying to get you to see the new gadget they’re selling. And you can’t tell why this particular guy keeps following you everywhere even though you’ve told him off. He eventually leaves you alone, and a few minutes later, you realise your pocket feels lighter.
Doubt sets in
At this point, your mind starts racing and running double-checks. “Did I put my phone in my bag?” You check your bag, and it’s not there. Then, you realise what’s happening — your phone is long gone.
You start to have flashbacks
Your mind flashes back to the guy who was following you. “Could it be him? Did he touch my pocket?” You decide the only way to find out is to find him and ask.
You start searching for the thief
You retrace your steps to the place where you last saw this person, hoping to see them again. But when you don’t see them, you start asking around, trying to describe them to other people. Miraculously, you’re pointed in a particular direction.
You get there, and you see the person you’re looking for. You approach them and ask politely if they took your phone. Unknown to you, this is a cardinal sin. You simply do not ask a thief whether they’ve stolen from you. They start shouting at you, with the familiar “who you be?”
You realize that words alone cannot settle this issue
Like the Lagosian you are, you decide the best way to go about this is to show some craziness. Obviously, that’s the only way they’ll listen to you, so you start to shout and throw punches like Bash Ali’s protege.
You get beaten really bad
Unfortunately, you’re not Bash Ali’s protege. You get whopped really bad and no one even cares to listen to the reason why you were shouting in the first place. You now realise what a bad idea this was and decide to leave without your phone.
You realise it’s not only your phone that was stolen
You get to the bus stop, but just as you’re about to take a bus home in pain and regret, you realise your wallet is now also gone.
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Questions
This is a question
Select all the apps that are currently on your phone:
Your battery is on 34%
Your battery is on 81%
Your battery is on 14%
Your battery is on 55%
Your battery is on 92%
Your battery is on 1%
Can we tell how much you can’t do without your phone?
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Take this quiz to find out:
I have always heard stories about how one has got to be sharp if you are walking on the streets of Lagos so you don’t end up saying, “Had I known,” to your friends and family while crying tears of blood.
Oftentimes, I laughed it off, because who could be sharper than someone born in Lagos? But, I was about to find out that there are different levels to this astuteness.
As a frequent user of danfo buses, warnings of keeping one’s devices secure while in a moving bus, especially during traffic always rings in my ear. “Keep your phone inside your bag o, don’t use it so close to the window,” is the most popular warning.
I usually pay heed to it, because of the countless horror stories I have heard, but always with the believe that no one could ever steal my phone. Remember, sharp girl?
I knew the right spot in the bus to sit, so nothing like that could happen to me; in the middle seat of the middle row in the bus. Just perfect.
And if I had to sit somewhere else, I’d look for a seat partner with great body bulk, to shield me from any thieving hands that might come my way. But, that night was a lucky day for the pickpocket who would have been The Flash in an alternate universe. I wasn’t sitting in the middle and my seat partner was thin and asleep, leaving the window wide open.
Then I saw the pickpocket, felt his arm against my hands.
My sixth sense had alerted me to the pickpocket who had been speaking with a friend of his, walking down the busy Oshodi road nonchalantly. All I remember thinking at the time was that he looked odd, kind of like he was lounging, which didn’t fit the night scenery of such a major bus-stop in Lagos.
But, I forgot all about the thief when my bus zoomed pass him, after being in standstill traffic for 15 minutes. Until–I saw his hands grab the phone I was holding onto. My reflex action and earpiece were the only thing that saved my phone, I didn’t even have the time to bite him like I wanted to in my rage, I was so shocked and confused.
Like, what the hell just happened right now?
While I looked at the phone still in my hands, I couldn’t help but wonder how the pickpocket’s Usian Bolt legs were able to get him so close to the bus and away, just as fast as he came. Well, he tried the wrong sistah, I had been practicing my uppercut for just that moment, so even though my hoop earrings flew off my ears during the incident, it was a small price to pay for my phone.
I didn’t even respond to other passengers asking me what happened, then sharing similar experiences, all I could think of was; “This is a Lagos experience I would gladly not have again”.
Let me tell you about that time I took a phone to school when I was in J.S.S.3 and how it was promptly seized.
My parents always had this fear of me getting kidnapped so to make sure I was safe, they devised a way to check in with me every few hours.
My parents were kind of paranoid. Don’t blame them. They meant well.
So even though it was unorthodox for people my age to own phones at the time, they bought me one.
My first phone!
And made me promise to keep it a secret.
If anyone finds out, murder them.
I lied to them. I couldn’t wait to show everyone at school!
SO EXCITED!!!
So I went to school the next day. Feeling myself.
They will know who I am today!
My classmates noticed the pep in my step and asked why I was so excited.
Wetin dey do this one?
Then dramatically, I showed them the phone.
YASSSS!!! BOW AND EXALT!!!!!
Everyone went wild!
As expected.
Remember this was 2003, having a phone as an adult was kind of a big deal so for a 13 year old it was huge.
I was no longer their mate.
Everyone wanted to hold it. Everyone wanted to be around me all the time. I felt like a celebrity.
This must be what it feels like to be Beyonce.
Then our maths teacher came in for first period so I had to quickly hide the phone.
In my trusty school bag.
30 minutes into the class, something terrible happened. The phone began to ring.
GBESE!
The teacher asked where the sound was coming from. No one answered.
Nobody wanted to snitch.
It kept on ringing so it didn’t take him long to find the source.
My school bag.
He told me to give the phone to him. I had been caught.
I was distraught.
As I took the phone out of my bag, I looked at the screen, wondering how my parents could possibly call at a time they knew i’d be in class.
Mummy and Daddy, Why na?!!
But it wasn’t a call. It was an alarm.
An alarm I KNOW I did not set.
Apparently while the phone was being passed from person to person earlier, someone probably set an alarm by mistake.
Imagine nonsense.
And then I thought, what if someone set the alarm to ring when he/she knew we’d be in class with a teacher?
What if someone set me up?
My parents had to come to school the next day to beg my Maths teacher for the phone.
We didn’t think it through. We’re very sorry.
They didn’t give the phone back to me. My life as a celebrity was over.
Back to being regular.
I never figured out who set the alarm or why.
Everybody denied.
And even though i’m now an adult, the thing still dey vex me sometimes.
Because deep down, I still believe someone set me up.
To keep the fun about secondary school going, here’s an article about the funny things about relationships in secondary schools.
Check out all the things you stand to benefit when you move over to Etisalat’s EasyCliq 2.0. Click here or on the ‘Learn More’ button below to find out more about EasyCliq 2.0!
1. So your phone’s network has vanished.
What kind of nonsense is this?!
2. At first you wonder if it’s your phone that has the problem and you get the urge to start slapping it.
The official Nigerian solution for faulty electronics.
3. Then you remember that you might break the screen by mistake and you calm down so the devil won’t use you.
There’s no money to repair screen in this recession.
4. You realize your mother was right when she said you were addicted to the internet.
But you won’t admit it to her because if you do, you’ll never hear the last of it.
5. So you decide to entertain yourself with your networkless phone to try and prove her wrong.
Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
6. You find yourself playing the 3D version of Bounce that for some reason, came with your Tecno phone.
So Tecno just stole this game from Nokia like that? Nawa oh
7. And you wonder how you even enjoyed this game back then because you’re already bored.
We didn’t have good taste back then sha.
8. You remember that you haven’t played Candy Crush since one difficult level made you quit so you go back and try that.
Ah, Candy Crush. We meet again.
9. 80 tries later, you still haven’t passed the level. Your frustration intensifies.
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
10. You violently swear for your service provider for putting you in this position.
YOU PEOPLE THAT WORK THERE WILL NEVER KNOW HAPPINESS!!!
11. You decide to re-watch all the funny videos on your phone.
I guess it’s back to Alfa Sule…..again.
12. The videos aren’t as funny as they once were but you force yourself to laugh because you’re trying to fight the overwhelming boredom.
You’re clearly losing the battle but you keep fighting cause mama didn’t raise no quitter!
13. You pause the current video playing to wonder why you didn’t listen when people told you port to another service provider.
Had I known!
14. You start going through your picture gallery and come across a good selfie you took. This makes you smile.
See as I fine. I AM A SLAY QUEEN/KING!!!
15. You realize that the only reason you didn’t port when you had the chance was because your current service provider sells cheap data.
Awoof dey run belle. Lol
16. You decide to take this time to go through your contact list and delete people you know you’ll never call.
Olusanya Balogun. This one that I hated. DELETE!
17. Next, you start taking selfies. Boredom is slowly turning you into Bobrisky.
OSHEEEEY BARRRDEST!!!!
18. As there’s no internet to distract you, you decide to do the dishes.
Every disappointment is a blessing in disguise.
19. You also decide to cook a proper meal for yourself. Not every time noodles.
See what I can accomplish when i’m not wasting my time with the internet!
20. You quietly promise yourself that when your subscription expires you’re porting to another network.
Enough is enough.
21. Suddenly, a message comes through. NETWORK IS BACK! All is forgotten.
After all, God said we shouldn’t make decisions when angry.
23. But You SHOULD Really Consider Porting Sha
Check out all the things you stand to benefit when you move over to Etisalat’s EasyCliq 2.0.
Click hereor on the ‘Learn More’ button below to find out more about EasyCliq 2.0!
1. So what did you eat today?
How is that one your business?
2. Can you hear me?
No oh, he is deaf.
3. Was there traffic on the way home?
This question is especially foolish if you live in Lagos, there is always traffic!
4. So what was the last thing I just said?
Mumu, this is not an interrogation. Drop the phone!
5. I saw your ex today.
That’s how people use their own hand to scatter their relationship.
1. When you see it’s someone that owes you money.
2. When it’s someone you owe money.
3. When it’s the mechanic that has held your car hostage for 5 days.
4. When it’s your dodgy tailor who only calls when she has scattered your fabric.
5. When it’s your best friend that always has sweet gist.
6. When it’s your ex boyfriend that won’t leave you alone.
7. When it’s your crush and soon to be love of your life.
8. When it’s your nosy aunty that only talks about marriage.
9. When it’s your mum to find out if you went to church.
10. When it’s your boss trying to give you extra work to do.
