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  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: He Ghosted Me For three Months

    *Godwin, 20, and *Tope, 19, dated for three months after which Godwin ghosted Tope for three months. Today on Love Life, they talk about what went wrong in the relationship and what they could have done better.

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Godwin: I met Tope last year, during the lockdown. I rarely use Facebook, but because of the pandemic and boredom, I got on it. There was a post where someone was asking people to comment with their Twitter handles. Tope was the one who posted it. I followed her, and she followed back, and that’s how our conversation began. From there, we exchanged WhatsApp numbers and took the chats online. 

    Tope: I asked him how he got his followers. I don’t use Twitter frequently, and so to see someone excel at it was quite fascinating. 

    What was your first impression of each other?

    Godwin: To be honest, I have a thing for dark-skinned girls, and fuck— sorry for the f-word— she had the complexion. I just couldn’t resist. I didn’t let her know my impression though. I stayed lowkey. Until we began talking.

    Tope: You used the f-word.

    Godwin: I apologised.

    Tope: I can’t really remember my first impression of Godwin, but when we started chatting he was cool and sounded like he was going to be smart. Also yes, he was my spec. To be honest, if he wasn’t, we wouldn’t even talk.

    So, when you both connected online, what did you talk about?

    Tope: We talked about a lot of things. One of them was that he wanted me to come to his school, but I couldn’t. I’m in Ghana and he’s in Nigeria. The trip wasn’t very feasible, especially with the lockdown. We also spoke about his exes — it was part of our many conversation threads; we spoke about anything that caught our fancy.

    Godwin: We talked about lockdown experiences: how it was going in Nigeria versus Ghana. We talked about school life too. And the talk about my ex: you know that moment when you’re chatting with someone and they begin to ask you questions like, “So how’s your boo/babe?” 

    That was what prompted the talk. Our conversation was already becoming interesting and I told her about my past relationships and exes. I also told her I was done with love, but I guess she pitied me and gave me some sort of assurance about finding love. Even when the chats stopped being intense, it was this assurance that brought me back to her. This plus the fact that she’s my spec.

    The chats stopped being intense?

    Tope: Yes. We moved to WhatsApp and the conversation died. But then one day he responded to my WhatsApp status.

    Godwin: Lockdown was getting lonely and I kept seeing her status updates even though we weren’t talking as much. One day, I replied to a status update that she posted, and we picked up our conversation again.

    Tope: And then, a few weeks after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

    Oh?

    Godwin: Her WhatsApp updates have a large part to play in this. Yes, she’s my spec and our conversations had stopped for a while, but seeing the updates again, the desire came afresh and I just did it.

    Tope: I cleared him straight up. I told him I wanted something that would last long, a relationship that I saw a future in. 

    Interesting. What was your reaction to this, Godwin?

    Godwin: I understood what she meant, so I assured her of my love in what little way I could. But despite all I said, she was bent on a long-term relationship.

    I had never been in a long-term relationship before, but because she wanted one and she sounded convincing, I was willing to give it a try.

    You’re in Nigeria and she’s in Ghana. How did you plan to make it work?

    Tope: We thought we could, but the distance was a major issue.

    Godwin: She was supposed to come to Lagos after the lockdown, but the government didn’t do things the way we expected. 

    Tope: We weren’t allowed to fly or travel by road. When they finally opened the Nigerian border, Ghana’s border was still closed. We were hoping we could see each other by the end of the year, but because it took too long for the lockdown to be lifted, it never happened.

    And how did this affect your love life?

    Godwin: We were feeling each other for the first few weeks, but things soon got a little bit tedious. She was attention-demanding, and because it was a lockdown, I understood how she must have felt and I tried to give her the attention to an extent. But we soon had minor fights that became quarrels. 

    Tope: He was always busy, and because it was a lockdown, I understood. But he wouldn’t pick my calls sometimes and he wouldn’t call back too. And then later, I’d see him post pictures on his status while my messages were still unread.

    So how did you resolve this?

    Godwin: I ghosted her.

    Come again?

    Godwin: Look, I don’t like facing quarrels or confrontation. Everyone I have dated knows this. So when I sense that something is coming up which would lead to a dispute, I suddenly ghost the person for a few days as a means to run away from the fight. I’m a very chilled and calm person. I hate stress.

    With Tope, I didn’t really want to ghost, but Tope was so blunt.

    Tope: Tope is still very blunt.

    Godwin: I can’t remember her last insult to me, but that was it. I ghosted her for three months.

    How old was the relationship by then?

    Tope: Three months, but frankly, I wasn’t feeling his vibe anymore. I wasn’t as interested in him as I was in the beginning, and there was also the fact that we hadn’t seen each other. Plus, he was always talking about going to visit one girl or the other. 

    Godwin: It was a guy.

    Tope: No, it was a girl. I saw the pictures you posted.

    Godwin: But each time I told you I was going to visit a girl, it was actually a guy I was going to see.

    Wait. So you went to see a guy but you told her it was a girl?

    Tope: Please ask him.

    Godwin: I lied to make her jealous. She was constantly seeking attention and we were already having one of our fights then. It was just once or twice, and at the end, I’d tell her what I did. But the picture she’s talking about, I went to see my best friend, a guy, and we went together to see a lady.

    I think Tope takes things too personally and too seriously. The lockdown was a lot on everyone, but sometimes, it felt like she was taking out the frustration on me. So one day, I told her that she complains a lot and maybe she should try praying that the lockdown would be lifted. The next thing I got was an insult. This was why I ghosted her. I’d already reached my limit.

    How were the three months of the relationship?

    Tope: Stressful. Yes, it was nice at the beginning — it’s always nice at the beginning.

    Godwin: For me, it was beautiful. All the things I experienced, I consider as the normal things that happen in a relationship, so I used them as an opportunity to work on myself. 

    How did the relationship end?

    Tope: We just stopped talking.

    Godwin: I ghosted her. We dated for three months and I ghosted her for another three months after which I reached out to apologise.

    Why did you feel the need to do that?

    Godwin: I do it to people I ghost. The main reason why I ghost is to avoid confrontation or insults. When I feel like the dust has settled, I return and apologise for ghosting. 

    I reached out to Tope because I still wanted her around, if not as a lover, but as a friend. I still miss her. When we got back to talking after I reached out to her, I told her I wished we were back together, but she said I was not someone who seemed serious.

    What do you love most about each other?

    Tope: I love how Godwin doesn’t argue. He keeps a calm head, no matter the situation.

    Godwin: I love Tope because I think she’s wife material. 

    Tope: What the — ? Clearly you have jonzed.

    What do you mean, “wife material”?

    Godwin: She knows what she wants, and puts God first, and I love her for that. She’s also very encouraging, and she prays for me. I’m not a religious person — I’m a bad guy — but frankly, I don’t think there’s anything better for a man than a praying woman. 

    Yeah, she’s blunt. But I fuck with that too, at least to an extent.

    What would you say you’ve learned from the relationship?

    Godwin: Patience. Dating Tope taught me to see things from other people’s point of view. It also helped me value communication more. I also don’t think I’ll ghost anyone ever again.

    Tope: Patience for me too. Dating Godwin taught me to be calm in situations. While we were together, I wasn’t exactly patient. If anything went wrong, I used to take it to the next level. But it wasn’t really worth it because that was one of the things that destroyed our relationship.

    Now, I have learned not to lose my cool.

    Do you think there’s a chance of you both getting back together?

    Godwin: I guess…

    Tope: No. 

    This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is 2-1024x1024.jpg

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  • Everyone thinks getting a prepaid meter is the best thing in the world until they actually get a prepaid meter.

    If you’ve lived all your life as a postpaid meter user, you’ll definitely face these struggles when you finally make the switch.

    1. First of all, you won’t get it on time.

    You people should please give us this thing nau.

    2. How you calculate what to switch off every month.

    Mass Confusion GIF by Cindy046 | Gfycat

    AC? Abi I should turn off the TV too?

    3. Your bulb in the afternoon.

    Lighting-Gallery-net - Incandescent lighting & bulbs/Incandescent 60W porch light - unlit & globeless

    My eyes are bright enough.

    4. Your face when you see someone with fridge and TV shouting at you with your single bulb.

    If you don’t keep your useless mouth shut!

    5. Your face when they ask the entire building to pay the same amount of money even though appliances are different.

    It’s like you people are sick, abi?

    6. You, reporting to the landlord when you see someone using the electric cooker.

    Before they come and ask me to pay for someone else’s sins.

    7. How you check the meter when you finish ironing.

    Please oh, behave abeg.

    8. When your parents catch you boiling water with an electric kettle.

    11 Ways To Check If You Are Ready To Have A Child | Zikoko!

    You are in soup.

    9. Your face when you have to recharge more than twice a month despite all your management techniques.

    Did they send you to me?!

    10. You, removing your changeover socket and hiding it when you are about to leave the house.

    Wisdom is profitable to direct.

  • How well do you know the 36 Nigerian state capitals and their capitals? Prove yourself:

  • Sometimes it feels like there are more dogs than humans in Nigeria, so they should be required to pay tax. If you need to be convinced, here are eight reasons why.

    1) They are constantly roaming the streets

    The streets of Nigeria were made with taxpayers money. So, why are freeloaders using it more than the people that paid for it? Sometimes, they’d even chase taxpayers off of the streets. This is unacceptable. If they want equal access to the roads, they should open their doggy wallets.

    How tax collectors should pull up to those dogs

    2) Destruction of property

    Dogs need to stop getting away with chewing up shoes and knocking things over. The time has come for them to learn about the consequences of their actions. The owners should not pay so the dogs can learn to be responsible. This is why I propose a new government body called Dog Income Collection Service. Puppy dog eyes won’t work for the law.

    3) Feeding

    Manna will not always fall from heaven, and these creatures need to realise that. If they want to continue enjoying food to their hearts content, they need to open their purses.

    4) Every Nigerian must pay tax

    These dogs are basically Nigerian citizens at this point. Either by birth, naturalization, etc. The time how now come for them to perform their basic civic duty. Citizenship is not free.

    5) Retirement homes

    If they do not pay tax, how do they plan on retiring? The tax can also serve as a retirement fund for when they just can’t be as agile as they used to be.

    This kind of life is not cheap

    6) Healthcare

    Any small thing, they need to go to the vet. Since vets are so expensive, imagine if dogs paid their own way? you know how expensive vets are? Imagine if dogs paid tax and healthcare was covered by the government? #freeuniversalhealthcareforall

    7) Tough times are lasting

    Nigeria is broke. It is time for man’s best friend to give back to man. We’ve been there for them, they need to be here for us.

    8) They are wealthy

    Since the plan is to tax the wealthy, that should also include dogs and their endless generational wealth. If you didn’t know dogs are wealthy, ask yourself, what are they always hiding/burying? It’s funds.

    I hope with these few points of mine, I’ve been able to convince you and not confuse you that Nigerian dogs need to be taxed

    For more on what’s inside this life, click here

  • A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

    The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is a dominatrix. She talks about juggling two identities, feeling guilty after satisfying her kinks and meeting interesting people.

    MONDAY:

    I’m lucky to have a very flexible schedule because I get to determine my day. The first thing I do when I wake up today is to run errands. After which, I do some chores and general housekeeping. It’s almost noon when I’m done, so I try to sort breakfast while also catching up on my unread notifications. 

    When I’m not running errands and being the perfect vanilla daughter, I’m a lifestyle dominatrix. This means someone who’s interested in the BDSM lifestyle not majorly for financial gains. What this means is that I get to meet interesting people and have interesting conversations.

    Someone filled my Google form which I put on the internet for people to book a domme session with me. He dropped his number and asked me to call him. I found this weird because that’s no way to talk to a domme, especially seeing as he booked a session to be a sub. Anyway, I told him off and ignored him. He then came begging a few hours later and offered to pay for my time so I reconsidered him.

    I had him upload his picture, his name and government-issued I.D card so I could do a background check [aggressive Google search] on him. His background check came back clean and we moved on to the next stage which is paying a tribute —any amount between ₦5,000 and whatever amount you can afford — and having a conversation. 

    While talking to him, he casually let it slip that he was in his early fifties and that sort of freaked me out and excited me. I’ve never been with anyone that old before. Because of work, I had to stop texting him but I couldn’t stop thinking about his age — what makes a person in their fifties seek out this kind of thrill?

    TUESDAY:

    The first message I wake up to is from my newest fifty-something-year- old submissive. 

    Him: Do you do drugs?
    Me: The occasional joint here and there.

    Him: No, I mean something stronger like cocaine.

    Me: ….

    In my head I was like wait a minute… but I shrugged it off.

    He went on to ask me for the cost of a session with me. I gave him two options: name-calling and punishment for 2-3 hours at ₦50,000. Or pegging and other unique kinks [like body worship, foot worship] the client might have at between ₦100,000 –  ₦150,000. 

    We settled on name-calling with a little twist and agreed to link up tomorrow. With that out of the way, I spent the rest of my day both lazing about and preparing for tomorrow. 

    WEDNESDAY:

    I don’t want to talk about what happened today because it feels weird saying it out loud. I got to the agreed-upon venue and we spoke for over an hour. I asked him about his kinks, his fetishes, medication history, and whether he was on any medicine. After our conversation, I went on to get wine drunk and he brought out cocaine. 

    I was like…okay. 

    I went into Domme space and he went down on his knees into submissive space. He asked me to cuff him, whip him on his dick, and call him mean names like slut, whore, dirty slut, dog. He also had me alternate with endearing names like little puppy, Mommy’s pet. 

    The weird part was that he kept on doing cocaine all through this so he was very bright-eyed and manic throughout our session. I was a little bit nervous, but I had to keep things in control and use my Domme voice to issue commands to him. 

    When we were done, he ended up paying me more than the agreed amount because, in his words, “I did a great job.” 

    I was so tired from the intensity and novelty of the experience that I just went home to crash.

    THURSDAY:

    I’m experiencing dom drop today, so it’s already a bad day. Being a domme is like getting high; you have people pay to talk to you, people who want you to call them names and people who want to worship you. I’ve had someone offer to pay me ₦25,000 to worship my feet before, but I digress. 

    Being a domme is intoxicating, but coming down from that space and facing the mundaneness of real-life can be jarring. It’s a whirlwind of negative emotions that can go on for days where I’m in a weird space feeling things intensely.  

    I sometimes spend the whole day feeling guilty for living out my kinks, mostly because of how strange, “shameless,”  and unconventional they are. Other days, I have to tell myself that what I’m doing is okay and I’m not hurting anyone.

    The guilt is five times more intense today because of how wild yesterday was. However, I’ve decided that I won’t feel anything and I’m going to try retail therapy. I turn on my laptop and browse through Ali Baba so I can buy new kits/gadgets to enable me to live my best domme life. I browse through the different kinds of whips and paddles – studded, ribbed, made of leather, wood, plastic. I also look at some blindfolds and ropes. I land on a page with extreme gear like CBT gear (cock and ball torture),  electrosex kits, and a chastity cage (where the Mistress holds the key). Finally, my joy is complete when I land on lacy material for my domme outfit.

    My day no longer looks so bad. Fuck you, domme drop. 


    FRIDAY:

    It’s wild that I’ve been reading and fascinated by the dominatrix experience since I was a teenager and I didn’t get to explore it till 2019. I was talking to a friend and the conversation somehow got sexual and boom, we realised we had similar taste in fetishes and kinks. The next month after the conversation I found someone who wanted to be a sub, and here I am now.

    I feel like I’m juggling two identities and it has been difficult balancing both. I’m vanilla in adulting activities in the sense that I don’t swim, I’m scared of heights, I can’t drive, and I don’t ride bikes. Alternatively, I’m also not vanilla because I have kinks, and fantasies of my sub slaves doing my chores and running errands for me. Sometimes I feel like the domme part is taking over but I try to hold my life together. I show up when I need to, I tell the friends that matter to me about my kinks and I generally put one leg in front of the other. 

    I’ve also come to the point where I’ve accepted that I’m a bit of a paradox and that the domme side is here to stay. I’m just focused on being a baby girl and enjoying myself as much as I can. After all, I’m 23, I live with my parents, and I have my whole life ahead of me.

    Last week, I wrote about a full-time housewife. Someone was so touched by her story that they sent a washing machine to ease her burdens. Thank you guys for your continuous show of kindness.

    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

    [donation]

  • Queue to withdraw your own money, buy food, do your laundry, pay bills and even collect change. Why all this? You could be channeling that time into securing the bag. *Squeezes face*

    1. Disrupts your plans

    Don’t bother accepting invitations anywhere, because by the time it gets to your turn on long queues, the event will be over.

    2. Annoying attendants

    Even when you make up your mind to just be patient till it gets to your turn, there’s always that one annoying person who is sluggish in attending to you.

    3. Steals your beauty

    The glow you left your house with will vanish after spending 5 hours in the sun queuing for one minor thing.

    4. It gets longer

    Just when you think it’s almost your turn, the queue will supernaturally get longer. *Suffers in silence*

    5. Theft

    Don’t be surprised to discover your phone or money missing after struggling to maintain your spot on a queue. Questions like “how?” and “who?” will flood your mind as you weep.

    6. Waste of precious time

    This one is very painful. You’ve waited and waited till you lost weight for your turn only for the attendant to suddenly disappear. It’s not their fault.

    Don’t let queues steal your joy. Simplify your life and reduce the amount of time spent queuing to pay for stuff like electricity bills. Visit www.buypower.ng and thank us later.

    Here’s what makes BuyPower cool:

    • If you’re broke and need power to work, simply buy electricity with a loan.
    • Out of data? Buy directly from your bank with USSD.
    • You’d be able to gift the love of your life electricity so they don’t have to drag generator.
    • Set reminders so your bills don’t catch you by surprise.

    Visit www.buypower.ng today.

  • A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

    The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is a full-time housewife. She walks us through the struggles of taking care of three kids, the difficulty of her routine, and how she has accepted her role in the grand scheme of things.

    MONDAY:

    I’m up at 5 a.m. because I have to prepare my three children for school. My eldest child bathes herself while I focus on cooking and bathing her younger siblings. After I’m done, I start to dress them but I can’t seem to find their socks. God. I hate looking for socks. It’s a tough cycle because after searching for socks, the next thing I look for is their shoes.

    It’s 7 a.m. by the time my children are all packed to leave the house. I sigh a little with relief because they won’t get flogged for late-coming today.

    Once the children are gone, my day begins — I sweep the compound, I sweep and mop inside the house, I dust the TV stand, shelf and standing fan. Around 9 a.m., I pack all the dirty clothes from yesterday and sit down to wash.

    It’s mid-afternoon by the time I’m done washing. I’m tired and haven’t had a single meal all day. I try to quickly eat something because I have to go to the market and cook lunch before the children come back from school. 

    It’s 4 p.m. by the time I’m done with market runs and the children are home. The first thing my children shout when they see me is, “Mummy, our teacher said you should help us do homework.” 

    I drop my market bag and go over to help, grudgingly. In my head I’m calculating my to-do list:

    1. Help the young kids with homework.
    2. Google the answers to the questions for the older kid.
    3. Prepare dinner.
    4. Give the young kids a night bath.

    Give or take I know that whatever happens, I’ll be in bed by 11 p.m. or latest at midnight. 

    TUESDAY:

    Being a full-time housewife is not easy because we do so much without receiving a salary. If you have a regular job, you can rest after work or during the weekend. As a housewife, you don’t have that luxury because you work from morning to night taking care of the house and children. When you try to sleep during the day, your mind will keep disturbing you that there’s work to be done that no one will do for you. Especially for people like me who don’t have paid or voluntary help. 

    There’s also the part where everyone blames the housewife for everything that happens while they are away. If the kids get injured, they’ll blame you. If the kids become sick, you’ll be blamed. If food is not ready by the time your husband comes home, you’ll also be blamed. And the blame always ends with: “Were you not at home, what were you doing?”

    I spend today thinking about how unhappy I am as a full-time housewife. For someone like me who once had a business selling akara, staying at home is hard. It’s even harder because my husband is the one who ordered me not to work. With how expensive things are in present-day Nigeria, money from only one source in a marriage is extremely tight. The allowance for food for a month can no longer buy anything. All I can do is watch helplessly as things become expensive without being able to do anything about it. 

    I’m fed up with everything. I wish I could disappear for a while.

    WEDNESDAY:

    Today I’m trying to remember the last time I wasn’t taking care of someone or doing one chore or the other and I can’t. 

    The only place in this world where I can rest is my mum’s house outside Lagos. However, if I tell my husband that I want to travel, he’ll pick a fight. And I don’t like wahala or getting annoyed. If I get annoyed, it means I don’t want the best for my children because getting annoyed can lead to a couple’s separation. My husband may ask me to go with the children or leave the children and go. Guess who’ll suffer? The children. So anytime there’s friction, I turn to prayer and leave my troubles with God. 

    You can’t fight someone when you’ve not gotten what you want from them. It’s when you’re stable enough and independent that you can damn the consequences. For now, I’ll endure because he’s paying the school fees of my children and training them. After all, there are working-class people facing worse situations where the husband doesn’t drop money at all. 

    There’s no enjoyment in marriage. Before you get married these men will tell you, “I love you.” In the marriage, you’ll see changes that will confuse you. And since you’re from different backgrounds, one person must cool down for the other person. I’ve decided to be the one to cool down and endure. I’m kuku the one that wants something. 

    THURSDAY:

    My husband is at home for the first time in over three weeks today. I asked him to kindly assist me with some tasks since I was overwhelmed with washing and cleaning after everybody. He told me that he went away for three weeks to do his own job, so I should face my own job. He then proceeded to sleep. I felt bad, but for peace to reign, I just unlooked. 


    FRIDAY:

    As a housewife, you’re at the mercy of another person. You have to take whatever is given to you. No one asks if you have clothes or pant and bra, or how you even buy sanitary products. That’s why you have to be wise about these things. When my husband sends me to buy something, I use his remaining change to sort all these little things. Yorubas will say: “You must not eat with all your ten fingers.”

    Every day I stay at home is an unending repetition of washing, cooking, cleaning. And before you know it, the day has finished and you’ve started another one again.

    I prefer to go out to work so that if my husband says why didn’t I do x and y chore, I can just say it’s because I went to work. Unlike when I’m at home all day and he’ll say what’s my excuse for not doing the chores. 

    There are no days off — no sick days, no public holidays, no weekends. It’s work, work, work. I’ve just accepted that it’s my cross to bear and I have no grudges against the father of my children. If people don’t forgive him, I forgive him. I have no choice but to play my part. I’m just praying for a miracle in form of a job or a shop so I can have something of my own. 

    Until then, we go over and over again. Tomorrow is another day of washing, cooking and cleaning. 

    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

    [donation]

  • Fellow Nigerians, we believe you have heard the news: Twitter is now building a team in Ghana. In other words, Jack Dorsey and his fellow Twitter people bypassed Nigeria the giant of Africa, and our amazing Jollof rice and went to pitch their tent in Ghana.

    But we are not angry. Honestly, we are not. Because if Twitter came to Nigeria, here are 11 things that will surely happen:

    1. First of all, Sanwo-Olu will congratulate them.

    As per, ‘We are proud of the strides our youths are making, etc etc’. But we both know that it is formality. Please take your seat, the real Sanwo-Olu will be with you soon.

    2. Jack will have to drop something for the boys before they can start any business oh.

    No more tuale, double puate! Jack Baba, drop something for the boys!

    3. And then they will have to run on generator.

    Because where will they see light to function properly?

    4. Internet will spoil their market oh.

    We that we are ordinary citizens sef, Internet providers are flogging us left, right and centre. How much more Twitter people?

    5. Of course, hold-up will catch them.

    5 Types Of People On Sunday Night | Zikoko!

    No be Naija we dey?

    6. Hello, the real Sanwo-Olu.

    That man is a rite of passage at this point. Even Twitter will eat their own breakfast. Perhaps it will come in form of a ban. Or a restriction. Jack and his people must sha Sanwo-Olu.

    7. D for what? DSS.

    Let Twitter put out one tweet the high and mighty of this country consider insulting, the next thing you know, DSS will go and pick them up.

    8. Besides sef, how will they buy SIM card and register NIN?

    You that you are not working with Twitter, have you been able to do your NIN? This country get as e be, my dear.

    9. Let’s not forget tax.

    The way the governement will seedily create a tax for them ehn. Hmm.

    10. Adamu Garba will finally launch his lawsuit.

    If he cannot catch Jack Dorsey, at least he will catch his workers. Imagine being punished for a crime your oga committed.

    11. One day, we will wake up and hear that Twitter has been banned. You know what will come next?

    Crowwe, but maybe they will call it Crow-ter, or Twit-Gidi. Or even Twi-geria. You know, it’s like Twitter, but for Nigerians.

    It is well with our souls. Please put some Jollof rice on fire.

  • This is Nigeria. What this means is that nothing ever goes as expected. Even if it starts well at first, it will still go north at some point. Looking for serviced apartments in Nigeria? Prepare for the following things.

    1. First of all, prepare to pay with your inheritance.

    Serviced apartments are quite pricey. But that should be a good thing if they are doing what you expect of them, right? WRONG.

    2. Poor power supply.

    Imagine renting a serviced apartment to escape the power issues in Nigeria and the serviced apartment still gives you the same power troubles. Things are happening, my dear.

    3. Water issues.

    Poor power supply will happen and you think your water supply will not be affected? Lol. Serviced apartment in the mud.

    4. Expect to buy your own generator.

    Or your inverter. Because at some point, water will pass garri.

    5. Or perhaps prepare to contribute for fuel.

    Even after paying for service charge oh. Of course, they will give you an explanation for it. But will it make complete sense? No. Will you contribute for the fuel? Yes.

    6. If the building runs on a solar system, it will surely become weak.

    And you’re back to numbers 2, 3, 4, and 5. Don’t say we did not tell you.

    7. Buy a standing fan. AC will probably act up at some point.

    Not that we are wishing you bad oh, but if the other fuck ups can happen, what is an ordinary AC that won’t act up?

    8. Expect your neighbours to move mad.

    Service apartment pay doesn’t include service charge for good neighbours, unfortunately.

    So, do with this information what you like. We wish you the very best in your serviced apartment.

  • Deliverance is important oh, especially to those of you who are manifesting any of these signs listed here. You may think all is well with you, but if you do at least 7 things on this list, all is not well.

    You need serious deliverance.

    1. They cook because of hunger, but when they finish cooking, they are too full to eat out of it.

    We know it’s not you, it’s something else. And that’s why you need deliverance.

    2. They wake up in the midnight and start washing their bathroom and toilet.

    Don’t hide, we see you.

    3. They want people to visit them but never want to leave their own house.

    Shebi you sef can see that something is wrong with you.

    4. They can be in a WhatsApp group chat for months and not say anything.

    And they won’t feel bad about it. SMH. You better kneel and let’s pray for you.

    5. They enjoy staying in the dark.

    Dark curtains, lights off, everywhere black. My dear, remove yourself from that darkness with immediate alacrity.

    6. They offer to cook for people but won’t cook for themselves when they are hungry.

    Image

    Did you come to this life to be a cook? You need deliverance oh.

    7. They prefer series to movies.

    This one needs no argument. You are definitely possessed.

    8. They can eat one thing consistently for a week.

    All you people that say, “So-so is my best food, I can eat it forever.” Let us tell you, it is a severe deliverance that will separate you from that food.

    9. They do laundry at night.

    Hm, answer and tell us if this does not show that you need intervention.

    10. They can stay in a house for months without people knowing.

    How is it doing you? Omo, seek help oh.

    11. They eat avocados.

    You want to hear the truth? Avocado was the forbidden fruit that pursued Adam and Eve out of the garden of Eden.

    12. They sleep with the lights on.

    We been knew. Ogbanje.

    13. They live in Lagos.

    You think people living in Lagos are not in need of deliverance? They do oh. Imagine living in a city that wants to run you mad. God abeg. You better go for deliverance.

    QUIZ: What Type Of Evil Spirit Are You?