• A Week in the Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.


    The subject of today’s “A Week in the Life” is a manager at a cosmetic store. When she’s not making sure her office doesn’t burn, she’s also a sugar girl. She tells us about how money challenges morals, the benefits of her job, and why she cherishes her independence.

    MONDAY:

    I’m lucky I live five minutes away from work because it means I can wake up by 7:45 a.m. and still resume at 8:00 a.m. Every morning I stand up from bed is a war against Nigeria, a war against my village people, and war, most especially, against the side of me that just wants to relax and be taken care of. But we move. 

    During the day, I work as a manager in a cosmetics store on the island. At every other time, I work as the minister of enjoyment, aka someone’s baby. 

    I’m doing manager’s work today. 

    I work alternate days and run full-day shifts from 8:00 a.m. till 9:00 p.m. Although, I find myself staying back these days till 10:00 p.m. or 10:30 p.m. As the manager, I have to ensure that when work closes, the books are balanced and the inventory tallies. Work today was slow, but things picked up in the evening. Someone I know asked me to deliver some products to his house and at a 100% markup. I made some good money from that deal.

    I generally help high-end clients source goods. Products you can’t easily find in Nigeria, gift sets for their partners, and home services for people who don’t want to come to the store. Even though it can be stressful, I don’t mind. I determine the profit margins on each deal and it ranges between 100% – 500%, depending on my mood. Sometimes, these clients even give me “thank you” money in addition. 

    I’ve made 7 figures in one day from product sourcing alone. I felt so happy, almost as if someone pumped me with drugs. I looked at my balance and I was like, “Wait oh, na me be this. Na me take my hand do am.” I just kept my mouth shut and didn’t tell anybody. 


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    You know all those questions where they ask “if you pick ₦100 million from the floor, who will you tell?” The answer should be nobody! Keep quiet and code, because that’s what I did. Anytime I wanted to tell someone, I drank water instead. You don’t know who’s the devil out there.

    After that experience, I now believe that there’s no job I can’t do as long as it’s legal and will put money in my hands. These deals aren’t constant — you can go up to a year without getting anything — but they’re worth it when they come.

    TUESDAY:

    I like my job because it’s located in a high brow area with high-end customers who always want to see the manager. And somehow, they always want to collect my number, which I mostly refuse. Well, except this one customer. 

    One day, this unassuming man wearing a top and knickers entered the store asking to see me. He came in scared because he wasn’t sure if the creams he owned could cause cancer. I gave him tips on what to look out for and that calmed him down. He thanked me and left the store. 

    A few weeks later, this man came back looking very different. His car told me I was speaking to money, his wristwatch whispered that he was the real deal, and his neck jewellery screamed wealth.

    According to him, he came to thank me for not dying, plus he also wanted my number. I playfully told him I was selling my number at  ₦5,000 per digit. That’s how this man dropped a bundle of cash on my office table and asked me to count my money — I took  ₦50,000 and gave him my number. From that point, I started seeing men who’d “buy” my number for  ₦100,000,  ₦200,000, and even  ₦500,000. See ehn, there’s money and you just need to know where to look. And how to work on your looks. 

    If you tell these men that you want  ₦2,000,000, they’ll size you up to see if you’ve seen ₦500,000 in your life. That incident at the store changed something in me. I started to ask myself: if someone that has only seen you once gives you ₦50k to take your number, how much more will they give you when they have something with you? 

    WEDNESDAY:

     I have a confession: I’m having an affair with the unassuming man from the store. It’s embarrassing saying it loud, but let me explain. Nothing happened with this man until after five months after we started talking. Since he made it clear that he was married, I thought we’d just be friends. 

    During the first five months, he’d come to see me and we’d just gist in his car. Sometimes he’d give me $100  when I’m leaving. Other times, he’d press ₦50,000, ₦100,000 into my hands. On generous days, between $300 to $1,000. And this was purely platonic, or so I thought. Like the thief that I am, I was collecting the money not knowing that he was fattening me up. 

    One day he asked if I had any idea why he had been coming to see me, and I told him I didn’t. I hadn’t been with an older man before.

    He told me he liked and wanted me for himself. He also added that he would not disturb my relationship or marriage as he was comfortable being in the background. He then told me to think about it. 

    Omo. I thought about it and decided that if someone could spend over a million on me without seeing my pant, nobody would ever use word of mouth to enter me again. That’s how we started seeing each other. 

    I won’t lie to you, the money he gives me has been so useful. Do you know what it means for you to just stay and someone is dashing you money? Unprovoked? You can buy Ibeju land and be paying instalmentally. Bad as e bad, my life has changed.

    However, I’m not carried away. Part of the reason why I’m going to work, like today, is because I’m not foolish. I know he can wake up one day and leave. Me, I’m a hustler, so I try to make my own money. Nothing is too small. I’ll drive from island to mainland to supply products with ₦5,000 profit. Why? 

     If I miss ₦5K today, miss it tomorrow and the next, at the end of the week I don get ₦15k loss be that. If you check am, that ₦5k na my fuel money for generator. It’ll fill up my 125L keg clean. 

    I’m grateful for him in my life, but I’m not depending on only one man. I put it to you that if you find one man that’s taking care of all your bills, he’ll also be taking something from you. And let me not lie to you, the money is not constant like that. The generosity is seasonal. Some months there’s nothing and some months it’s flowing. But you know the truth? There’s no amount of money that’s ever enough. 

    THURSDAY:

    I’m off work today and I plan to sleep all day. I’m thinking about how money has a way of making you drop your morals. At some point in my life, I used to tell married men off. I’d tell them to respect themselves and their wives. But now I’m here, and you know what? I don’t feel guilty. Well, not anymore. 

    In the beginning, I did. The first time we had sex, five months after nothing had happened, I couldn’t take off my clothes. I couldn’t look him in the eye. I was that guilty. But after he assured me with words, action and credit alert, I felt more comfortable. On some level, I gauged that it’s the same unmarried sex, which is a sin, that I’ll do with my boyfriend that I’ll do with him. Abeg remove cloth. 

    If you ask people if they can date someone for financial gain, everyone will say no. But with what I know now, I’ll just keep quiet. Life has shown me to never say never. The prayer is not to see temptation that surpasses the willpower to say no. 

    FRIDAY:

    I like this man I’m seeing for several reasons, but the most important one is that he doesn’t interfere with my life. Today makes it five days since we last spoke or saw each other. And neither of us is bothered.

    He doesn’t interfere with my work or any aspect of my life. He’s just a ghost. If you go through my phone, you’ll not find any message from him. But if you visit my bank account, I will cast. You’ll see his handiwork all over there.

    Being with him is like having a side guy. Outside of when we see in person, our calls last between 30 seconds to 3 minutes. 

    But I know this won’t last forever. There’s someone in the picture with whom I’ll soon enter a proper boyfriend and girlfriend relationship, with the possibility of marriage. 

    Marriage lowkey scares me because I’m committing my life to someone’s hand. What if they’re not sensible? What if they want me to be a stay-at-home mum? It’s just too much power to give one person over my life. Even my life wey dey God’s hands, sometimes, I dey find ways to comot am. Now imagine after God, then there’s another person before me. Am I still living for myself? 


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    Nothing spoil. I’m a hustler, so I know that no matter what happens, I’ll never be stranded. My own is that nobody should please judge me for any of my choices. Let’s leave judgement to God. 

    He who’s without sin should cast a stone. If e sure for you, stone me. 


    Cover image photo by Sora Shimazaki from Pexels

    Check back for new A Week in the Life stories every first Tuesday of the month at 9 a.m. If you’d like to be featured on the series, or you know anyone interesting who fits the profile, fill out this form.

  • If you’re a Nigerian living in Nigeria, how ready are you to leave the country?

    This quiz knows the answer:

  • Bad news: Dubai has suspended Direct Employment Visa for Nigerians.

    For emphasis, in case you did not see it the first time: The United Arab Emirates has reportedly suspended Direct Employment Visa for Nigerians. Why? Because of the increasing crime rates involving Nigerians in the Middle-East country.

    Ah!

    In other words, if you have suffered for 19 years and you had plans to shake your ass in a thong on a yacht in Dubai, you might want to reconsider so that you will not enter Dubai and land in jail. You that it’s ordinary bum-bum you had plans to shake.

    Anyway, we made a list of other places you can shake your ass, now that Dubai has casted.

    1. Lekki Phase 1 when the flood comes.

    Imagine climbing on top of that signpost and shaking your ass like you are competing in the Twerk Olympics. C’mon, Megan Thee Stallion from Admiralty way. You go, girl!

    2. Tarkwa Bay.

    Tarkwa Bay Surfers Displaced After Nigerian Navy Demolished Their Homes -  SURFER Magazine

    Who needs a yacht when you can climb a speedboat and shoot out your bum-bum? If the desirable is not available, you make the available desirable. Aspire to papapa.

    3. Eko Atlantic.

    It’s kuku greed that is worrying you, honestly. Because why do you want to go to Dubai when you can enter Eko Atlantic? You sef, pronounce the name: EKO ATLANTIC. Omo, the way my bum-bum jiggles of its own accord whenever it hears that name!

    4. Bar Beach.

    If it’s not for civilization and oversabi, did we not all grow up shaking our asses in Bar Beach? Now that Dubai has suspended Direct Employment Visa for Nigerians, it might be time to return to our roots. This time, you don’t need a yacht. Just climb a horse and when it begins to gallop chukwudi-chukwudi-chukwudi, I am sure your bum-bum will not sit down and look. It will follow it to jiggle.

    5. Oniru Beach.

    It’s a private beach. You know what that means? YOU CAN EVEN BE NAKED AND NOBODY WILL CATCH YOU!

    6. Abuja.

    Jabi Boat Club | Visit Nigeria Now

    Why go to Dubai when you can do your business at Jabi Boat Club in Abuja? First of all, you might be lucky and your jiggly derriere might attract a politician. Or a sugar daddy can be caught in the strap of your thong. Even better, you might get cocaine and oud as a souvenir.

    7. Ikeja along.

    Ikeja | Ikeja Along Bus Stop, Ikeja Lagos State Nigeria | Ju… | Flickr

    Let it not be that we are recommending only areas with water for you. There is also Ikeja Along, if you prefer to shake your ass on dry land. A major benefit of this is that you cannot piss a mermaid off or drown by mistake.

    8. Or maybe Ghana, since you are not satisfied with the country God put you in.

    Just know that if Lai Mohammed hears that you, a bonafide citizen of the UAR, is shaking your God-given UAR ass in Ghana where Twitter is, you are in soup. And walahi talahi, Abike Dabiri-Erewa will look at you and comot eye. That’s the beginning of renewed suffering. Happy ass-shaking.

    Also read:

    9 Reasons Why Nigerian Men Must Never Wash Their Bum-Bum

    9 Reasons Why Nigerian Men Must Never Wash Their Bum-Bum | Zikoko!

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  • As a Nigerian, sometimes you need to remind yourself that you are in the best country in the world.

    1) We have delicious suya and kilishi

    Regulate open grazing? No. Ban Twitter? Yes. Ban Cryptocurrency? Yes. Why? Because Suya and Kilishi >>>>> Technological advancement. It’s quite simple really.

    2) “Over raw” best in world rankings

    When they want to rank terrorism, poverty, insecurity, Nigeria is among the countries at the top. Nobody does it like Nigeria. We just keep collecting “over raw best ear and dere”.

    3) We have jollof rice

    In the great West African Jollof wars, Nigeria always comes out tops. It does not matter that a bag of rice and minimum wage are dragging price, or that inflation has affected the cost of the ingredients you will use to cook the rice. The important thing is our jollof rice is the best. Maybe it is because of how expensive it is to make.

    4) Nigerians are funny people

    Nigeria is blessed with some of the funniest people in the world, and it’s one of the things that makes Nigeria such a great country. The citizens have realised that peacefully protesting can get you shot and your talking about it online can get the app suspended, so why not just crack jokes. Funny is our passion.

    live footage of Nigerians when Nigeria starts Nigerianing

    5) Our legwork is unmatched

    Having to deal with bad roads everyday has really given our legs the strength of “zhe Black Panther”. No surprise that our country has produced some of the best versions of legwork known to mankind. Up Naija!

    6) Best in Entertainment

    Yes, our film and music sector are amazing, but the bulk of our entertainment comes from the government. Nobody does entertainment like Nigerian leaders. Fainting Ministers and singing senators. Plus the wrestling matches held in the House.

    7) Public holidays galore

    Whoever complains about the amount of public holidays we have in Nigeria has bad vibes. Why give your staff liveable wages, health insurance, and a mentally conducive environment when you can just give them one public holiday a month?

    Nigerians after enjoying their fifteen public holidays

    For more on what is actually inside this life, please click here


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  • The Future of Hiring Lawyers During COVID-19 and Beyond for 200 Million Nigerians

    Christian Nwachukwu, Cofounder of TalkCounsel

    With the spread of COVID-19, most industries have adjusted their standard practices of conducting business. The legal profession is no exception, with TalkCounsel at the helm redefining the legal experience for countless Nigerians. TalkCounsel’s digital workspace hosts vetted lawyers that offer a comprehensive range of services equipped to cater to the multifaceted Nigerian community’s ever-changing needs.

    It’s often the case in human affairs that the most relevant lessons emerge from the most devastating times. The onslaught of COVID-19 has made apparent the critical role technology plays in business and our day-to-day lives. The new reality arising from the ongoing pandemic is the importance of digital systems and solutions. Some organizations were in the throes of digital transformations pre-pandemic. COVID-19 accelerated their efforts and forced others to implement digital capabilities for the first time as a means of survival. This unprecedented period made room for rifts to be addressed by the likes of Zoom and Slack that offered tech-solutions to a world reeling from the abrupt and rapid shift to virtual operations and interactions.

    The legal community in Nigeria was not spared of the growing need to adopt tech-solutions in the advancement of lawyering. As evidence of such, several courts sitting in Nigeria adopted Zoom or Skype for court proceedings. The pandemic and restriction of human contact resulted in a burden for both the legal community and the public. Multiple clients expressed difficulty finding, hiring, and collaborating with lawyers in Nigeria remotely. The inability to do so prompted a decline in legal services requests, which affected the revenue stream for attorneys in Nigeria.

    In addressing this setback, TalkCounsel was birthed by a Nigerian-trained attorney, Christian Nwachukwu, and Gina Onyiuke in the United States. TalkCounsel is a cloud-based legal workspace that enables businesses and individuals within and beyond Nigeria to find, hire and collaborate with attorneys in Nigeria remotely without ever visiting a law office. With TalkCounsel, requesting and finding legal help has never been easier.

    As legal practice in Nigeria continues to grow in size and capacity, and considering the current state of the world, it is evident that a conflation of law and technology should take place. By merging the two, quality legal services can be made accessible to the average Nigerian and prospective foreign clients in need of legal services in Nigeria during this challenging time and beyond. And all from the comfort of one’s couch using your device of choice. In altering the Nigerian legal landscape, TalkCounsel seeks to ensure that Nigeria’s legal digital future is more robust coming out of COVID-19 than it was coming in.

    Thus far, TalkCounsel has accumulated more than 1,000,000 impressions and still counting. Moreover, our strategic partnership with partners in North America and Europe will, in turn, boost the income stream for Nigerian lawyers, as well as the nation’s GDP.To learn more about TalkCounsel, visit our website at www.talkcounsel.com

  • By Doyin Olagunju

    If you were on social media on 27th May 2021, you must have seen a viral video involving Remi Tinubu, a former first lady of Lagos State and a current senator representing Lagos Central senatorial district, in a heated argument with another woman over the fact that Ms Tinubu called the woman a “thug”.

    The incident happened at the Marriott Hotel, Lagos, where the public hearing on the constitutional review of the 1999 constitution for the southwest was holding. Ms Tinubu was serving as the chairman of the Senate committee in charge of the evaluation of the 1999 constitution in South-West, Nigeria.

    But what is the “constitutional review of the 1999 constitution”, and how does it concern the south-western part of Nigeria, and you?

    The backstory is that in February 2020, the Nigerian Senate created a “committee” to review the 1999 constitution — the most important document that gives rights (and responsibilities) to everyone in Nigeria today. 

    The committee was divided into four “sub-committees” in April 2021, and they were to look into different things that are currently wrong with the constitution, including the important issue of “restructuring”

    The constitutional review committee was also to conduct a “public hearing” across all the geo-political zones in Nigeria where “ordinary Nigerians” can suggest the important things that could be written into an amended constitution.

    It was at one of those public hearings in Lagos that Ms Tinubu got into a fight with the woman.

    Sixteen major issues were up for discussion at the public hearing, including gender equality and women participation in government, federal structure for governance and power-sharing, local government autonomy, revenue allocation, the establishment of state police, state and local government creation, etc.

    “RESTRUCTURING”

    Whatever the Nigerian Senate tries to do with the constitution, the real issue is that many Nigerians are not happy with the current 1999 constitution, or even the way Nigeria is currently arranged.

    Some other Nigerians have also said that rather than amend the constitution, Nigerians need to have a “national dialogue” where everyone can share their opinions about everything they think is currently wrong with Nigeria and how the country can be fixed.

    A day before the incident involving Ms Remi Tinubu, on May 26, 2021, Chief Afe Babalola, a respected lawyer, argued that a “national dialogue” is more important than any proposed constitution review. And when 17 state governors met in Asaba, Delta State, on May 12, 2021, they asked for the same thing — that there should be a national dialogue so that Nigerians can have a conversation around how the country can be restructured.

    But whoever wants the constitution to change or Nigeria to be “restructured”, whether it is a former president, a current senator, a sitting governor or a newspaper vendor, wants Nigeria to fix up in one or all of these major areas: 

    • Creation of state police;
    • Review of revenue sharing formula;
    • Creation or merger of states;
    • Federal structure, power-sharing and local government independence;
    • “Miscellaneous

    Now, how does any of this affect you as a Nigerian? 

    `1. CREATION OF STATE POLICE

    Currently, there are only about 370,000 police officers in Nigeria compared to a population of more than 200 million Nigerians. This means that, on average, just 2 police officers are on hand for 1000 Nigerians, whereas the United Nations (UN)  recommends an average of 3 police officers for 1,000 residents. Other developed countries even have 4 police officers for 1,000 residents.

    Asides the shortage of police, the police officers are all controlled by the Inspector General of Police (IGP), who takes orders from the president or anyone else he delegates.

    But there are many arguments against this arrangement, and one of them is that it makes the Nigerian Police ineffective. For instance, the current federal police are underpaid and under-trained, and they can’t handle many local security issues like bandits, kidnappers and farmers-herders conflicts.

    People who want state police argue that if the state governors can create and control their police force, then security issues will be handled better in Nigeria, and decisions will be made faster.

    It could mean that if state governors had controlled SARS, then some states would have scrapped it and others would have not — either way; we would not have had to go through everything we endured over #EndSARS, including waiting for the president or the IGP’s orders from Abuja.

    2. REVIEW OF REVENUE ALLOCATION FORMULA:

    The Federal Government of Nigeria (FGN) makes money through two primary means: oil and non-oil. The government makes money majorly by selling oil and cash from taxing companies, customs revenues and other things.

    But when the federal government makes this money, there is a way it is shared: 52.68% of the money goes to the federal government itself, 26.72% goes to the 36 state governments, and 20.60% goes to the 774 local governments. However, 13% of any money the government makes from crude oil must first go to the eight “oil-producing” states because of the “derivation principle”.

    But many people are not happy with this “sharing formula”. They claim that while 36 states and 774 local governments share only 47.32% of government revenues, the FG, which consists of just one body, maintains a higher share at 52.68%.

    Critics argue that since we are in a federal government, states should get more money since they have more financial responsibilities to handle, like maintaining roads and providing healthcare facilities.

    3. CREATION OR MERGER OF STATES:

    Some people want more states to be created in Nigeria. For instance, some representative groups like the Igbo Youths Movement believe that there should be at least one more state in the south-east region because other geopolitical areas of Nigeria like the south-west and the north-west all have six and seven states each.

    Meanwhile, some other groups like the Arewa Consultative Forum (ACF) believe that adding more states to the 36 states is unnecessary. 

    The Nigerians who want a new state claim that places like Aba can be made from the current Abia state and that the Senate should consider using section 8 of the constitution to create new states. 

    4. FEDERAL STRUCTURE, POWER-SHARING AND LOCAL GOVERNMENT INDEPENDENCE:

    The constitution refers to Nigeria as the “Federal Republic of Nigeria”, but many observers argue that Nigeria is not running a “federal” system of government.

    In a federal system of government, power is shared clearly between the federal, state and local governments. 

    In Nigeria, through the 2nd schedule of the constitution, the federal government controls things like the military and international trade. In contrast, the state governments have powers over electricity generation, agriculture development and many other things.

    On the other hand, local governments have powers to establish and maintain cemeteries, maintain and regulate markets and motor parks and do many other things. 

    But many Nigerians remain uncomfortable with this “federal structure” for many reasons that have been given above. 

    For example, the Federal government controls all the minerals and natural resources under any land in Nigeria, even though Nigeria made more than $2 billion from crude oil in January 2021 alone. It also controls the police, and a large percentage of the revenue sharing formula, among many other things.

    Supporters of “true federalism” argue that state governments should exercise control over more things, including their natural resources and police force. 

    Also, many Nigerians want the local governments to be more independent. For instance, because the constitution says that states and their local governments should run a “State Joint Local Government Account ” where all the money for a states’ local governments is paid, many state governments divert these monies and use them for other purposes.

    Meanwhile, some other Nigerians want the Nigerian map to be redrawn, and all the 36 states collapsed so that new regional governments can be created as we had in the 1950s and 1960s.

    https://twitter.com/markessien/status/1399076368302981123?s=20

    5. MISCELLANEOUS

    There are other things that people want in a restructured Nigeria. The All Progressives Party (APC) proposed that the “state of origin” qualification should be replaced with “state of residence”. It means that people will be indigenes of the states they reside in, not just their parents’ states. 

    At the southwest public hearing on the review of the 1999 constitution, an organisation called The Muslim Congress (TMC) submitted a petition proposing that Sharia Law should be applicable in the  Southwestern part of Nigeria, while a man, Adeleye Jokotoye, also suggested that Nigeria’s name should be changed to “United African Republic (UAR)” because Nigeria is a name given to the country by British colonial masters and it does not reflect the country’s ethnic diversity.

    At the end of it all, whatever amendments are made to the constitution, or even whether the 1999 constitution is totally “scrapped”, either through the senate or through a national dialogue, one thing is sure — the change will deeply affect you as a Nigerian in many ways, especially in terms of your security and general welfare.

    Constitutional amendment and “restructuring” are becoming really important issues in Nigeria, and they will only become more important as Nigeria heads towards the 2023 general election.

  • The Nigerian government has implemented new retrogressive laws, taking the country a few more steps backwards. Now isn’t the time for jokes or insensitive comments. Before you say any of the things on this list, take your time and think well about it. Here’s a list of things you should not say to Nigerians living in Nigeria right now:

    1.‘’Why haven’t you japa’d yet?’’

    Not only is this tone-deaf, but it is also silly. A lot has happened economically and many people can not afford basic things. If everyone could leave, they would have. Please don’t ask any of your friends or family this question because people have different reasons why they have chosen to stay back.

    2.‘’Channel your anger to the right people’’

    The last time Nigerians gathered en masse to channel their anger to the right people, both old and young, were killed and injured. More than six months later, the memory of the Lekki massacre is still fresh in our memories. We still carry the trauma from the event that happened that day.

    3.‘’It’s just Twitter’’

    It wasn’t ‘’just Twitter’’ when it was used to announce the curfew that led to the injuries and deaths of many Nigerians on the 20th of October 2020. Twitter has been a very instrumental tool in passing information. It has helped politicians with campaigns, it has found jobs for young people, helped with crowdfunding, etc. Silencing a major tool of communication for young Nigerians is, in fact, a very big deal.

    4.‘’It’s not even that serious’’

    It is actually that serious. Instilling fear in people and censoring the major tool of communication for millions of Nigerians is serious. A country where 43.69% of its population are youths should not constantly stifle the growth and development of its people.

    5.‘’Use this time off the internet for other things’’

    Things like what?

    Click the link to stay updated on important events happening in Nigeria.

  • With the recent ban Twitter ban in Nigeria by the Federal Government, here are some fun things you can do with the time you spent on Twitter.

    1) Farm

    Since you have more time on your hands, you can engage in some productive farm work. That way, you can feed the nation.

    2) IELTS

    All the time you used to spend on Twitter can be converted into studying for your IELTS exam, so you can japa to a country that won’t be stressing you like this one.

    3) Marry

    Now that there are no fine people on Twitter to distract you, you can finally settle down with the person in your area that has been cutting eye for you. Sha invite us for the wedding.

    4) Join the army

    Now that our youth will no longer be wasting time on social media, they can channel that energy into protecting and defending the nation. Yes, we know Abubakar Shekau has been killed a few times before, but now you can kill him some more. At least if you join willingly, maybe they’d leave corpers alone.

    5) Find the cure for HIV

    According to Nigerian parents, the reason you’re not progressing in life is because you’re pressing phone. Now that Nigeria has banned Twitter, you have one less thing to make you press phone. Get ready to achieve your full potential.

    6) Consume Zikoko content

    Luckily for you, Zikoko content isn’t just on Twitter. With the ban, you can check out our website and see the full collection of things we have to offer. You can also check out our YouTube channel for videos that’ll take the stress off.

    We’re not proud, we’re begging.

    7) Find the cause of Lagos traffic

    With all that free time, maybe we can finally come together as a society and figure out what’s causing all the traffic in Lagos.

    8) Collect loan

    Since there’s no Twitter, where will they be able to drag you and call you a debtor? My dear collect loan and RUN.

    Please don’t say it’s Zikoko that told you o

    9) Move to Ghana

    That way, you will be able to use Twitter without Lai Muhammed and Buhari collecting it from you. Plus since Twitter wants to open offices in Ghana, you can easily hold Jack’s shirt if he does anyhow.

    You and Jack when he rolls out a new Twitter service and he does not give you

    10) Fix Nigeria

    Since we all know that Twitter is the cause of all of our problems as a nation. Now that it has been banned, Nigeria will finally move forward. It doesn’t matter if there’s a security problem in the nation, or our roads are bad and we don’t have constant electricity. As long as Twitter has been banned, Nigeria has won.

  • A tax consultant submitted a proposal to the House of Reps committee to change the name of the country Nigeria to UAR. Honestly, we understand it. So, here are seven reasons why Nigeria should be changed to UAR.

    1) Countries that have acronyms beginning with U are bad bitches

    Most of the countries with acronyms starting with U are usually in control of some sort of world power. Look at USA and UAE. Emulating the good processes they went through to get their countries to be so powerful is stressful and will take time. So, just change the name and begin to manifest #11:11

    2) At our old age, we are still bearing the name a white woman gave us

    Nigeria is going to mark 61 years of independence in 2021, but we are still bearing the name a white woman gave us? O wrong nau. We need to really prove “we was Kings”, so a new name is in order.

    3) A chance to boost creative spirit

    With this new name, a lot of new slangs will need to be created. Naija can no longer exist, so maybe UARija. Either way, it will give Nigerians UARians a chance to come up with some new slang. That might keep us busy for another three to four years so we don’t notice how the country is not progressing.

    4) We are a very united country

    How else can we prove that we are a county founded on Unity without adding United to the country’s name. So what if we had a civil war and people are being kidnapped and ethnic cleansing is going on. If United is in the name of the country, then it has to be true.

    5) UAR does not sound like Nigger Area

    Now, when they start dragging UARians online, they can’t say our name sounds like Nigger Area. They can only use our lack of electricity and infrastructure as an insult.

    6) We have tried everything to fix this country, a new name might help

    Nigeria has tried everything possible to move forward. Instead, now we have one dollar going for about five hundred naira at the black market. Since our leaders cannot be bothered to do anything serious like actually do their jobs, maybe a new name will help. All debts are forgotten, old things have passed away and we have become new.

    7) We are the African giant

    How do we cement ourselves as the African giant? Is it through a thriving economy? A safe country for its citizens? A place that allows ease of trade? OF COURSE NOT!!! We call ourselves the United African Republic.

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