After the devil and Yoruba men, fitness trainers are the next top set of liars. They’ll lie to you with their full chest just to either make you do that extra exercise or to chop your money. If you’ve ever had a fitness trainer, below are seven lies you must have heard.
1. “One more rep.”
The biggest lie of them all. One more, one more, and that’s how you’ve done 20 extra reps. Do they want to kill somebody?
2. “The scale doesn’t matter.”
So why did you ask me to check my starting weight at the beginning?
3. “You can do it!”
No, I can’t o. I can’t! Whenever they say this phrase, it’s not because they believe you can actually do it. It’s their way of trying to ginger you to do an exercise that will almost kill you. And that’s what they want. To kill you.
4. “No pain, no gain.”
Says who? Don’t you just want to slap them across the face when they say this? They think that by pushing you beyond your limits and lying to you while at it, you’ll work harder. Omo, once I begin to feel small pain, I run away. I can’t come and kill myself because of gain. Will gain take me to heaven?
5. “Last exercise.”
Every single exercise is the last exercise until you actually reach the original last one. It’s extra heartbreaking because these trainers will look you in the eye in your most vulnerable moment and assure you that that is your last workout, knowing fully well that it isn’t. After God, fear them.
6. “You’re gaining muscle.”
“You’re gaining muscle and losing fat. Muscle weighs more than fat, that’s why you’re not seeing changes yet.” Please stop lying to me. Which muscle are you seeing? Just say your program isn’t working.
Oga, what type of lie is this now? I’ve only been working out with you for three days, which weight did I lose?
The goal this year is to step up, and that includes fitness. Not everybody likes going to the gym. Personally, we think people who go to the gym every day have their lives all sorted out. If you’re like the rest of us that don’t have the strength or time to step into that sweat dungeon, here are five exercises you can do at the gym and also in your everyday life.
Squats
Squats can easily be done anytime and anywhere. You can squat while cooking, carrying grocery bags, doing your next work task (depending on what it is) while watching TV etc.
Jumping Jacks
If you want to burn a lot of calories quickly, do jumping jacks. You don’t even have to do too many With about 200 jumping jacks, you’re good. Now imagine having to leave your house for something you can do in the comfort of your living room. This also applies to jump rope exercises.
Dance
You can never go wrong with dancing. Out of your 1-hour lunch break, take 20 minutes to play loud music and dance your heart out. Do you know how many calories you can burn by doing leg work alone? The elliptical can never compare.
Walk
You can choose to walk around your compound or take a walk around your neighbourhood if you have the time. it’s definitely more interesting and fascinating than walking on a basic ass treadmill.
Climb Stairs
No stair master? No problem. if you set aside just 10-15 minutes of your day to go up and down any flight of steps, you can burn more than 100 calories. Taking the stairs is a great aerobic exercise, not to mention, it’s free. No gym membership fee whatsoever.
Sit Down
Working out is not a must, please. Some of us are okay with our lazy selves, we’d rather just wake up, go to the couch, sit down and watch some TV.
If there are people out there like us, (which we know there are), thankfully, DStv has got you covered this month. With the StepUp Boost offer, both active and disconnected subscribers can enjoy the opportunity to pay less to enjoy an exciting lineup of world-class quality entertainment.
For more information, visit www.DStvafrica.com. You can also download the MyDStv app, or dial *288# reconnect and other self-service options.
This 2022, we’re not joking around. We’re making intentional efforts to step up our lives and put our village people to shame. That’s why we’ve come up with this no-bullshit guide to stepping up.
Set specific goals
Nobody counts January as a month, the actual year starts in February, so it’s not too late to set your goals. In order for you to step up, you first need to know what you want and how you want to achieve it. And please don’t let your goals be “I want to make money this year.” We all want to do that dear, the question is “how?”
Grow up and take responsibility
We did say this was a no-bullshit guide so we’re not going to mince words with you. You are responsible for your own life, take charge of it and do what you need to do (that is legal) to step up this year. No more excuses.
Shoot your shot
We’re not just talking about relationship shots here. Step up your career by shooting professional shots for companies and brands you want to work with/for. Step up your friendship circle by shooting friendship shoots at people who you think would make good friends.
Clean up and fix up your appearance
We’re sure you’ve heard of the phrase, “Fake it till you make it.” It’s a skill that a lot of Nigerians have mastered. When you look like what you want to become, you’ll work hard towards becoming it. Yes, you can quote us anytime.
Invest
In this big 2022, we don’t think you need us to tell you how important investing is in stepping up your life. Are you seeing the crypto big boys? Do we need to tell you more? You don’t necessarily have to invest by buying crypto. There are many other investment opportunities. You can start by buying that small land in your village.
Make More Money
The major way to step up, especially in a country like Nigeria is by making more money. That’s why you’ll find many Nigerians doing multiple side jobs. Find a skill you’re good at and monetize it. Or invest in various trainings and make yourself a good candidate for promotion in your office.
Join the DStv Step Up Geng
The Ultimate best way to step up is by taking a break to enjoy the exciting lineup of world-class content DStv has prepared for you. With the DStv Step Up offer, your viewing experience just got better because you now have the opportunity to pay less to enjoy an exciting quality entertainment.
The DStv Step Up campaign allows DStv subscribers to upgrade one step above their current package, for a more pleasurable viewing experience. New, active, or disconnected DStv customers on the Yanga package who upgrade to the Confam package, will get boosted to enjoy programming on the Compact package. Similarly, those on the Compact package who renew on Compact Plus will get boosted to experience DStv Premium.
Upgrade your subscription to the next package and get boosted one package higher.
For more information, visit www.DStvafrica.com. You can also download the MyDStv app, or dial *288# reconnect and other self-service options.
Chasing a university degree in Nigeria is extreme sports; maybe that’s why Nigerian university students do the most.
Here are the wildest things students do in Nigerian universities.
1. Party all night and still make it to morning classes
Nigerian students would spend the night cubbing and still show up at a 7 a.m. class the next day. These days, capitalism has us by our throats. If you try going “outside” on a Sunday night, you can almost die at 9 a.m. meeting the next day. Life comes at you fast.
2. Students on drugs
This thing was a whole pandemic. One day in DELSU, this guy had a seizure in the middle of a 500L exam. Turns out he’d overdosed on drugs. Bro, you’re literally at the finish line. Whyyyyy?
Some other guy stole his drug test results from the school hospital. He got caught and expelled.
3. Receiving awards with convoys
Wannabe student celebs would pay departmental directors of socials to give them awards. At the departmental night, when the awardees were called to receive the award, every single person they knew would dance with them to the podium to receive the award. Make it make sense!
4. Ponzi Schemes
Fam, this was a whole pandemic that year. You couldn’t walk five steps without someone approaching you to “bring someone”. After the first ponzi wave passed — when schemes like MMM and Ultimate Cycler crashed — students started building websites that’d crash after 30 minutes. The race to cash out was insane because people knew they’d lose serious money but were still willing to bet on being one of the first to “get help”. Fam, 2016 was the pits!
5. Going to Night Class to sleep
People literally left the comfort of their beds and braved the dangerous night streets, only to go and sleep on wooden desks after 10 minutes of cramming.
6. Sex in strange places during Night Class
People were having sex on the staircase of Carver Building, fam! They’d read for like 30 minutes and then sneak out one after the other for “fresh air”. A couple in Babcock University was caught having sex in the gutter — a dry gutter, but still.
7. Going to the school library to sleep
People who usually did these were those serious but average students who you’d only ever see in class. After classes, they’d head to the library until night. You’d think they were always reading but guy, na disguise. Have you ever been to Nnamdi Azikiwe Library in UNN? That’s the most comfortable place to sleep in the whole school, and those students took full advantage.
8. “Airport flights”
This was more of a survival skill. Male hostels are the absolute ghetto. Typically poorly maintained, nobody uses the shared toilets unless you want to invite diseases into your body. So, students would wait until night, stroll into the surrounding bushes (the “airport”), spread a nylon bag and squat. Once they were done, they’d fling the bag of shit further into the bush — catching flights.
The illegality of armed robbery has made Nigerians very creative in the ways they have decided to steal. So, here are nine things Nigerians have resorted to doing since theft is a crime.
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1) Lagos restaurants
Stealing may be illegal, but opening a Lagos restaurant is (unfortunately) not. The setup is quite simple — outrageous cocktail prices, seven different kinds of pasta, and an Instagrammable location. The food doesn’t even have to taste good or have large portions. Just those three things and you have a Lagos restaurant.
2) Selling thrift clothing
Thrift is meant to be cheaper than buying from stores, but it’s like the ones on Instagram are bend-down select that got Masters degrees from Harvard. Imagine spending ₦5k on thrift clothes. Why? Who did the people of Nigeria actually offend?
3) DM for price
Put your price on the page of what you’re selling, they said no. Why? So people can message them and they can charge differently based on vibes? If this behaviour continues, we may have to step in.
4) Selling clothes with names
The year is 2351, Nigerians are now being called skirt001, trouser002, dress003 because Nigerian designers have used all the traditional names to name their designs. With price tags like ₦23,599 for the Oworonsoki skirt and ₦34,569 for the Ibukunoluwa shirt, why won’t Nigerians leave the names for the clothes? Those ones clearly need it more.
5) Delivery prices
Although we might be a secular state, some things have to be done with the fear of hell. At least, if people think their evil deeds will cause them eternal pain, they won’t be setting delivery prices the way they do. How can you buy something of ₦3k and then have to pay a delivery fee of ₦2500? How rich do they think we are?
6) Selling nkwobi
Earth won’t stop spinning if nkwobi sellers stop trying to deceive us with those shallow “bowls”. Please, we’re begging. We’re not even proud. Just abeg nau.
7) Valentine’s Day packages
Love is supposed to be a selfless affair, but with prices of some of these Valentine’s Day packages, selflessness is in the mud. Very soon, they’d include land and a small child.
8) Become a Nigerian politician
They’re constantly awarding bogus and unnecessary contracts to themselves. There are some roads that have been awarded more than once to various companies. Yet, potholes everywhere. Being a Nigerian politician is legal, but armed robbery is not.
9) Online vendors that don’t do refunds
With the way the country is hard, why will you not give a refund if something happens. There can be a million and one reasons for a customer to ask for a refund. Some of the vendors will deliver wrong size products, lie about delivery times, deliver poor quality goods and receive payment twice. Yet, they’d scream about how they don’t do refunds. Kuku carry gun.
[donation]
Ever listened to an artist and immediately thought, “They should totally collaborate with so and so?”. Some international collaborations come as a surprise, but there are some we could’ve seen coming from a mile away. With international collaborations and remixes flooding the streets like party jollof rice, we’ve compiled a list of mergers we saw coming from the start. We’re not claiming to be prophets or anything, but look at the material and connect the dots yourself.
1. Peru Remix — Fireboy DML and Ed Sheeran
When Fireboy DML announced Ed Sheeran would be on the remix of his hit song Peru, a lot of you were shocked, but not us. While the collaboration sounded a bit off on paper, true Fireboy stans could’ve seen this from a mile away. Apart from being resident musical lover boys, Need You, the opening track to Fireboy’s 2019 album Laughter, Tears & Goosebumps sounds almost exactly like Tenerife Sea.
We saw this thing coming since.
2. Somebody’s Son — Tiwa Savage and Brandy
When it comes to vocals in Nigeria, Ms. Savage is in a lane of her own. Announcing Water & Garri, the follow-up EP to her 2020 album, Celia, a lot of people were excited about one name on the tracklist, Brandy. While Somebody’s Son has become quite the earworm, some of us saw this collaboration coming years ago. Remember when Brandy came to Nigeria in 2014 right after Tiwa dropped Once Upon A Time and mentioned that she’d like to work with her? Ehen.
3. Essence — Wizkid, Tems and Justin Bieber
Essence was the biggest Nigerian song of 2021, no cap. So when it became time to enlist another artist to hop on the remix, we weren’t surprised when Wizkid went with Justin Bieber. The parallels between both artists are obvious AF: Usher discovered Justin and turned him into a star, Banky W discovered Wizkid and turned him into a star. Both artists started pretty young, became household names, struggled with controversies and remained consistent with their music over the years.
Wizkid is Justin and Justin is Wizkid, periodt.
4. Every song Yemi Alade has with Angelique Kidjo
Over the past few years, Yemi Alade and Angelique Kidjo have collaborated on not just one, but two hit songs. Yemi featured Angelique on Shekere and the favour was returned when Yemi made an appearance on Angelique’s song, Dignity. These collaborations didn’t come to us as a surprise because they have the same vibe. While Yemi Alade might get a lot of backlash for her lyrics — or lack thereof — her songs are slapping in other African countries. They’ve slapped so hard, even Mummy Blue noticed.
These collaborations were definitely meant to be
5. Damn Remix — Omah Lay and 6lack
While the industry was heavily focused on breezy afrobeats and amapiano-influenced songs, Omah Lay came in with this cool kid R&B vibe at the height of the 2020 pandemic and took us all by surprise. Listening to his music, especially songs like Bad Influence and Damn, it’s easy to spot the Atlanta-style R&B influence of artists like Bryson Tiller, PartyNextDoor and of course, 6Lack. Did we know it was going to be 6Lack for sure on that remix? No. But at least he picked someone on our shortlist.
Some native words that are compliments could look like insults and vice versa. Can you tell the difference?
Take the quiz:
Those reminders our mother’s gave us about rice and stew at home makes more sense now. So except you’re a criminal, there’s no way you will see these seven signs without remembering to pack your bags and go home to boil rice.
1. Bottle water is the price of sardine
Anywhere you see water sold for more than ₦200 is a sign to not bother with the menu. How can God’s free gift to man be competing with the price of sardine?
2. There are bouncers at the door
Once they put hefty people to separate the broke, broque and rich, just go home and light your gas. Those restaurants know exactly who they want sitting inside, so maybe take a hint.
3. There’s Bistro or ‘La’ attached to their name
If you see any fancy addition to their name that is stressful to pronounce, don’t even try to enter. You’ll probably end up helping them with plates at the back or mopping the floor when they close.
4. There’s no Indomie on the menu
First of all, there’s nothing less than ₦10,000 then you’ve scanned every part of the menu and can’t even find Indomie to manage. You just need to fold their menu and return home.
5. Everywhere is white
If you want to roll with the big boys and forget the rice you cooked at home, just enter a restaurant painted all white and watch the Lagos big babes and influencers take over.
6. Agege bread has turned to burger
Let’s just say, if they have the guts to tamper with Agege bread, they will come for your wallet and send you to your village. My dear, go home.
7. There’s a chef flipping pan in your front
When you see the chef cooking in the middle of the restaurant, just know anybody eating there is into crime. They will call it fine dining, but it’s really broad daylight robbery because they will bill you and your ancestors.
[donation]
They may have been funny at first, but Comrade memes have drawn criticism on the internet as symbols of bullying, misogyny and hate. What changed?
It’s the bad vibes of the people who use it the most. Always under posts calling FemCo thieves or slut-shaming people or homophobia. When certain people are the majority that use a thing, you can’t help being turned off by it. https://t.co/lnNMcuEQ5u
When Comrade memes launched into Nigerian Twitter, it was hard to ignore the similarities between the green frog head — laughing with abnormally large teeth — and the now infamous Pepe the Frog. It’s pretty much Pepe’s smiling cousin.
The comrade meme was mostly used in friendly football banter. But then it blew up, and even fun contests were made in true meme fashion.
Insert Comrade in the title of your favorite movie let’s see if it fits.🤣
I’ll start: Harry Potter and the Comrade of Azkaban.
In December 2021, a Twitter user posted a screenshot outing a man who had sent her nude photos. She was trolled, harassed, bullied for exposing her harasser. Shortly after, she tweeted pictures of herself in a skimpy outfit, and in minutes, several comrade memes were edited onto her photos with lewd, insulting watermarks and caustic commentary.
Over time, the meme became a mainstay in problematic engagement online: to derail a socially conscious topic, to shut down threads made by women decrying abuse or outing abusers, to “ratio” feminists who made tweets in defiance of the patriarchy.
Threads written by people of marginalised demographics are usually derailed by garish versions of the Comrade meme. Concerned users started to denounce the memes.
Every time you see NG Twitter downplaying misogyny, homophobia or any form of bigotry, you’ll find those memes there. Look at what they did to Ore with it for example. I have come to hate what it is associated with. https://t.co/zrMdwZcYW0
Since the start of the internet, users have created — and reinvented — over-the-top images, footage and comics with the intent of making others laugh. And we get it. Memes make social media more bearable, breathe life into conversations and make context-perfect Whatsapp stickers.
Memes are an integral part of internet pop culture, but each wave is short-lived. They’re around until they’re no longer funny or until another meme takes its place.
Twitter has become too serious man, the only thing keeping twitter fun rn is comrade memes which would soon fade away 😭
The evolution of each meme is, however, unpredictable. Most memes are hilarious, engaging and versatile, but some eventually take on darker meaning, allowing people with harmful intentions to twist images into something sinister.
Relax, it’s just cruise — but is it, though?
To critique the comrade memes, we would have to critique meme culture. Do the memes have messages themselves? Do we stop using memes just because problematic demographics had adopted them for their unsavoury intents? What is it that makes certain memes align with controversy?
In the age of the internet, information spreads instantly and the meanings of images change just as fast. The infamous Pepe meme, for example, started out as a lovable, calm comic and morphed into a tool for hate, toxicity, and alt-right rhetoric — contrary to its creator’s intents.
People hate comrade memes because they are associated with a certain arm of Twitter NG. Every other reason is a lie.
As fun as they may be, memes can be double-edged. The same things that make them fun can also make them vessels for the darker sides of the internet — corrosive humour, bigotry, bullying, sexual harassment, etc. These downsides are often overshadowed by how benign the memes appear — “Relax, it’s just a meme.”
So do we throw the comrade meme away?
The transient nature of meme culture makes it impossible to predict its usage. However, attempting to understand — or even empathise with — the criticism of memes deemed problematic is what will steer helpful conversations forward.
Much too often, marginalised groups are targeted by internet trolls armed with memes. If so many people hide behind a particular meme to make harassment seem agreeable due to humour, perhaps it is not a huge ask to pause and ask why?
I forgot to add that comrade memes are literally everywhere on the twitter space. Obviously they would be used by misogynists and homophobes too. I mean would you stop using twitter because there are a lot of misogynists and homophobes on Nigerian twitter? Ehn?
Sometimes, we tend to focus on just the content we look at — just the photo, the gif, the videos, the Quote retweets on Twitter, the “coldness” of the ratio — rather than the very real people being affected by them.
Memes aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. The Comrade will come and go. New ones — and their iterations — will dominate the internet. No one is saying don’t have fun. But at some point, we may need to pause and think beyond the pixels, the ratios, and the excitement — about how real people are being hurt unprovoked — and how our “cruise” may make that hurt worse.
