Muhammadu Buhari | Page 2 of 4

Let’s pretend to write the script of an award-winning film.

EXT. DANBABA SUNTAI AIRPORT, TARABA STATE

Imagine you’re returning to your home state after four years of being away. As you emerge from a private jet, there’s a crowd of mekunus who erupt in cheers and scream your name.

It’s a Saturday, so it’s hard to know for sure if they’re there because they’re unemployed or they really just love you. But you’ll take anything.

You touch down in your white agbada, happy to be back home, and your rich friends are there to shake your hand. The mekunus all want to touch the hem of your garment. You’re happy to allow them, but there are too many, so you ask them to, “Dress back a bit.”

“Give me some air, please.”

You’re not ready to go home yet because you’ve spent most of the last four years indoors. You’re an extrovert that needs some outside noise, so you head to a stadium that’s named after you.

Your rich friends are there, and so are the mekunus who are still fanning about because it’s a Saturday and there’s no Premier League football to watch because of the Queen’s death. They call this a grand reception, and everyone is in a jolly mood.

To the victor, the spoils

It’s time for speeches and the Speaker of the House of Assembly mounts the podium to say really nice things about you on behalf of the absent state governor. He addresses you as, “Your Excellency” and “an iconic figure” so everyone knows you’re a man of timbre and calibre. Then he calls your return home “an epoch-making occasion” so you know he went to school and isn’t a nepotism baby. He concludes his speech with something about forgiveness.

“Forgive and forget, baby. You’re not vengeance.”

It’s now your turn to mount the podium and address your adoring fans — your rich friends and the mekunus who are still there for some reason. A vote of thanks is important, so you appreciate the retired military general in Abuja who made your return home possible.

These are tears of joy

And for your coup de grace, it’s time to talk about the people who were the reason you’ve not been home for four years. You should diss them for keeping you from the comfort of your lovely bed, but you’re not Nyesom Wike and you don’t have his merry band of jesters or the charisma to pull it off.

You’re not him

As the Christian you are, you forgive your haters with your church mind that doesn’t allow you to wish them evil for sending you away from home. You say, “I hold no grudges against anybody, and I’ve forgiven all who God used to send me to prison.”

Prison ke? Who are you?!

You’re Jolly Nyame, and you’re a convicted thief. And the haters you’re forgiving are the people who made sure you faced justice for your crimes.

Unfortunately, this is all real life.

Who’s Jolly Nyame?

In 1992, the people of Taraba State elected Jolly Nyame as their governor, but his tenure was cut short by the 1993 military coup of General Sani Abacha. Six years later, in 1999, he won another election as governor and a re-election in 2003. This leaves him with the rare flex of having won three governorship elections in Nigeria — a very exclusive club.

But when Nyame left office in 2007, the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) knocked on his door to bring him the gospel of anti-corruption. “You’ve been a bad boy,” the EFCC said. Naturally, Nyame didn’t agree.

“Whatever this is about, it wasn’t me that stole the ₦1.64 billion, but I may have taken ₦180 million out of a ₦250 million contract I approved to buy stationery for government offices. I’ll return that small change but leave me alone after,” he said, but not in those exact words.

The EFCC didn’t leave him alone, and the two parties dragged the case in court for years while Nyame tried unsuccessfully to become a senator in 2011 and 2015. Finally, in May 2018, Justice Adebukola Banjoko of the FCT High Court considered the evidence again Nyame and gave her ruling:

Justice Banjoko sentenced Nyame to 14 years in prison, but he fought this judgement at the Court of Appeal which shaved his prison time down to 12 years. Still unsatisfied with his mini-victory, the former governor pressed ahead to the Supreme Court to overturn his sentence, but he lost.

These aren’t tears of joy

Many reasonable people would say this was his final bus stop, but Jolly Nyame’s God doesn’t wear flip-flops — he’s an ordained reverend after all.

Manna from ~~heaven~~ Buhari

The government of Buhari (of anti-corruption fame) announced on April 14th, 2022, that the president had granted a pardon to 159 prison inmates and ex-convicts who begged for it. Jolly Nyame was one of the lucky ones. Nigerians were pressed about the pardon, but Nyame couldn’t care less. He was a free man eight years ahead of schedule.

The presidency explained in April that Nyame got his pardon due to life-threatening ill-health. But that hardly looked the case when the former governor finally made his grand re-entry to Taraba State on Saturday, September 10th, 2022, welcomed and feted by the same people he stole from.

What’s the lesson here?

Nyame’s victory lap in Taraba has naturally received some backlash online:

https://twitter.com/Bolajuade/status/1569439428581654530?s=20&t=TibeCLsf4n3A5Ojdb1jJNQ

Not only has Jolly Nyame got a slap on the wrist for a crime with far-reaching implications on the lives of people he swore to serve, he’s walking around acting like his release vindicates him. Even worse, the people in government are licking the underside of his boots.

With the 2023 elections around the corner, a man who robbed his state blind is now promising to help reshape its future. It’s a situation that calls for the head of those who released him to get checked by a doctor or a friendly taser.

Nyame’s Taraba homecoming was ugly, chaotic and an insult to the Nigerian justice system, and the only lesson to learn from it is if you want to steal and get away with it in Nigeria, steal big.

ALSO READ: Why Everyone Is Angry Buhari Pardoned Two Thieves for Easter
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Finally, some good news for Nigerians: Buhari’s special Christmas gift is to end terrorism completely by the end of the year.

President Buhari’s ascent to the number one seat in the country rested on his promise to end insecurity in Nigeria. Voters believed him easily because he’s a retired military general and that should mean he can crush terrorism with just his side eye if he stares really hard.

But the president must have only been squinting at terrorists as insecurity escalated over the past seven years. He definitely tightened the noose on Boko Haram, but a different kind of terrorism with no religious buzz rose in other regions of the country. Those terrorists have attacked Nigerians in their homes, on the road, on train tracks and even at the airport.

The president is sick of that now and has ordered the country’s security agencies to do their jobs and secure the country. The Minister of Interior, Rauf Aregbesola, who’s known more for announcing public holidays than his spectacular failure to manage internal security, announced the government’s new resolve at a joint security press conference this week.

The minister said the day is coming when Nigerians can sleep with their two eyes closed again because their security is guaranteed. And by December 2022, peace is scheduled to be restored to every inch of Nigeria. Buhari has ordered it and so shall it be.

The government’s latest promise would be the kind of news to toast cheap bottles of wine to, except we’ve been here before many times under Buhari. We’ll believe it when we see it.

What Else Happened This Week?

Unpaid Police Officers Are Losing Their Wives to Okada Riders

Even by Nigerian standards, police officers taking to the streets to protest against unpaid wages is a terrifying nightmare. Yet, that’s what police special constabularies in Osogbo, Osun State did on September 7th, 2022.

For context, these officers are part of the Community Policing Constabulary Scheme. They assist the main police force with grassroots tasks like intelligence gathering and reporting cases. So, they’re like the errand boys of the Nigeria Police Force (NPF).

The constables complained that the government failed to pay their salaries for 18 months, and you can imagine what that means with the state of this economy. Inflation is skyrocketing and the cost of living isn’t anybody’s mate right now. But even worse than that, the protesters were unhappy that the sapa choking them was making them lose their wives to okada riders. It was enough of a significant problem that one of them wrote, “Okada riders are sleeping with our wives” on a placard at the protest.

The NPF didn’t roll out tanks, water canons and tear gas against the protesters like they do to civilians. But the Osun State Commissioner of Police, Adewale Olokode, did have strong words for them. He called them an embarrassment and expected them to communicate their grievances more privately according to protocol.

Every worker deserves his fair wages, and it’s abundantly clear why the government should never neglect to pay the allowances of police officers. A failure to do so is the kind of thing that leads them to extort innocent Nigerians, and extortion is just the gateway drug for crooked cops to get worse. The government should pay them so they can get their wives back.

Have You Seen This Video?

Who do you think will win in 2023? pic.twitter.com/mbuHd8m5K3
— Citizen by Zikoko (@ZikokoCitizen) September 3, 2022

Question of the Week

What are the names of the two top politicians who recently turned skit makers? (Hint: One is a former minister and the other is a former senator.)

Click here to tweet your answer to @ZikokoCitizen on Twitter.

Ehen, one more thing…

We may not be in the days of Noah, but deadly floods have wrecked thousands of lives in 33 states and the Federal Capital Territory (FCT) since the beginning of the year. Buhari says he’s on top of things, but who believes anything that guy says these days?
Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom has died after 96 long years on this rock planet. She ascended the throne in 1952, just eight years before Nigeria finally became independent from the colonial grips of her British empire.

We look at her relationship with Nigeria through the lenses of many cameras over the decades.

1956: Queen Elizabeth II’s first time in Nigeria

Queen Elizabeth’s first ~~excursion~~ visit to Nigeria happened in 1956. She spent 20 days after landing on January 28th, making a lit entrance in this borrow-pose Rolls Royce:

Here are a lot of black and white pictures from the visit:

[Image Source: Nigerian Finder]

[Image Source: Arewa Cycle]

[Image Source: Guardian Nigeria]

[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]

[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]

[Image Source: Facebook/TalkRealSolutions]

[Image Source: Only Africa Facts]

The Queen got some colourful pictures too:

[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]

[Image Source: Study HQ]

[Image Source: Nigerian Info]

[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]

And she had adoring fans at the time too, or people who just needed to make their urgent ₦2k:

[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]

2003: Queen Elizabeth II’s reunion with Nigeria

Queen Elizabeth visited Nigeria a second time for the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM) summit in 2003. She spent only two days, so you only get two pictures from her visit.

President Olusegun Obasanjo played host:

[Image Source: Alamy]

ALSO READ: Operation London Bridge: Queen Lizzie Is Dead

Handshakes with Nigerian presidents

President Obasanjo was Nigeria’s only democratic president to host Queen Elizabeth, but she hosted others in her country.

Like President Yar’Adua:

[Image Source: Dominic Lipinski/PA Images]

President Jonathan ~~and his orange juice~~:

[Image Source: Getty Images]

She also shook hands with this guy:

[Image Source: Presidency]

…on more than one occasion:

[Image Source: Presidency]

And then, there was this one time she synced in formation with the Nigerian High Commissioner, George Oguntade:

[Image Source: Vogue]

ALSO READ: But How Does Queen Elizabeth II’s Death Affect Nigeria?
Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom lived a long eventful life, but she finally died at the age of 96 on September 8th, 2022.

The queen’s exit is the end of an era and its impact isn’t limited to just her home from where colonialism did a global tour. Her death will directly impact many things in Britain from the nation’s anthem to its banknotes.

But what impact can the queen’s death possibly have in Nigeria?

We’ll probably name something after her

As Nigeria’s former monarch, it should come as no shock to anyone when the Nigerian government decides to (re)name something important after Queen Elizabeth.

Serial presidential aspirant, Adamu Garba, is already ahead of everyone and suggesting the University of Nigeria, Nsukka (UNN) be renamed in the queen’s honour.

In order to immortalized Queen Elizabeth, we should rename the University of Nigeria, Nsukka to Queen Elizabeth University of Nigeria since it is the first University in Nigeria.
— Adamu J. B Garba II (@adamugarba) September 8, 2022

We can expect the Nigerian government to do oversabi and name the Fourth Mainland Bridge or soon-to-be-completed Second Niger Bridge in her honour.

There may be a public holiday

The United Kingdom will likely set aside a day as a public holiday in honour of the queen. As part of the Commonwealth of Nations, Nigeria may decide to adopt this holiday, but this isn’t set in stone. We can always do with an extra holiday sha, and treat it as a final gift from the queen. Buhari, make it happen!

ALSO READ: Why the FG Needs to Give Us More Public Holidays

Renegotiate Commonwealth membership

Speaking of the Commonwealth of Nations, the queen’s death is expected to affect the political association that’s been criticised as a post-colonial legacy of the British empire. It’s a PR club to launder the history of an empire that colonised and exploited the world. And the queen’s death may be the catalyst to finally burn it to the ground.

Those Benin Bronzes

Over 100 years after British soldiers destroyed the Benin Kingdom and stole thousands of artefacts, many of them remain scattered all over the world. While many institutions are starting to return these artefacts, the British Museum which houses the biggest collection has insisted on hanging on to them. They keep telling Nigeria:

Maybe King Charles will press the museum’s neck to return them in an attempt to earn some low-hanging goodwill?

Buhari has a trip to plan

Buhari can’t allow a good excuse to travel to the UK go to waste, and the queen’s death is a reason as good as any. Expect our travel blogger-in-chief to hop on a plane anytime soon to go console King Charles.

ALSO READ: Operation London Bridge: Queen Lizzie Is Dead
General Sani Abacha died 24 years ago, but he’s still Nigeria’s OG sugar daddy in 2022. The evidence of his massive stealing of Nigeria’s assets in his five-year military regime continues to outlast him.

On August 23rd, 2022, the United States agreed to return to Nigeria the sum of $23m which Abacha stole over two decades ago. The US alone has returned more than $334.7m linked to the former dictator.

But as nice as it is for Nigeria to get some of its money back, there’s been a lack of transparency in how the returned Abacha loot is spent. Nigerians just aren’t feeling the impact directly enough.

For example, the government wants to spend the fresh $23m on projects like the Abuja-Kano road, the Lagos-Ibadan Expressway and the Second Niger Bridge.

But we have other ideas on more tangible ways to spend it:

Giveaway, obviously

It’s not easy to be a Nigerian these days. You just need to look at the state of the economy to agree everyone needs some credit alerts.

Call it hardship allowance or allowance for igbo and shayo, but everyday Nigerians need to personally feel touched by the Abacha loot.

Give it to ASUU

The Academic Staff Union of Universities (ASUU) has been on its annual ~~leave~~ strike for the past six months because of its unending conflicts with the Federal Government (FG). The two parties have left thousands of students stranded at home while they battle over money and control. FG should think about throwing the $23m ASUU’s way to end the strike… for now.

Compensate Nigerian students

Speaking of those stranded students, there have recently been conversations about how they should be compensated. This $23m from ~~our sugar daddy~~ Abacha should do some leg work in appeasing them for the time lost at home without education.

ALSO READ: Why Nigerian Students Deserve Compensation for ASUU Strike

Bribe the national grid

The national grid has been a relentless opp to Nigerians, especially in 2022, with many breakdowns and blackouts. The government can make it stop by bribing it to chill or something.

Jollof rice festival

The way to anybody’s heart is through their stomach and what better way to feel the impact of Abacha’s recovered loot than for the government to feed everyone?

$23m feels just right enough to throw a Guinness World Records-breaking Jollof rice festival. Everybody gets a taste of the national ~~cake~~ rice!

Expensive sacrifice at a T-junction

Transparency International estimates that Abacha may have stolen up to $5 billion from Nigeria between 1993 and 1998. We’re yet to get half of that money back.

We can use this little $23m to offer an expensive sacrifice to the gods to help in the recovery of everything that took flight under Abacha’s watch. You spend money to make money.

Pay bounty on oil thieves

Buhari recently complained that oil thieves are partly to blame for Nigeria’s revenue-generation issues. Some of these thieves are “big men” cashing out from robbing Nigeria. We can use the Abacha loot to place bounties on their heads to encourage citizens to help security agencies to find them more easily.

Tithe

It’s important to always give unto Caesar — and unto the Lord — in style.

ALSO READ: There’s a Place for Animals in the Nigerian Public Service
The average age in Nigeria is 18 years old, but the country’s affairs are mostly run by baby boomers born between 1946 and 1964.

Nigeria’s “leaders of tomorrow” have been waiting for eternity to take over as promised and take charge of their own future but the queue isn’t moving fast enough.

And even though you can be too young to run for office in Nigeria, you can never be too old.

So, in honour of Baby Boomers Recognition Day, we look at the Nigerian leaders holding up the queue and keeping the leaders of tomorrow out of the room.

Muhammadu Buhari, 79

Nigeria’s current president is the oldest to ever sit in the top seat. He was a military dictator between 1983 and 1985 when he was booted out. He must have forgotten something in that office because he returned 18 years later to contest presidential elections four times before he finally won in 2015. He’s set to finally retire to his livestock farm in Daura when his second term ends in 2023.

Theodore Orji, 78

Theodore Orji served as Abia State governor for eight years and could have retired immediately as he was already 70+ when his tenure ended in 2015. But he jumped straight to the Senate and contested again in 2019. Thankfully, he says he’ll retire when his current term ends in 2023 to make way for younger people.

Senator Abdullahi Adamu, 76

Senator Abdullahi Adamu hasn’t had a moment of rest since he actively joined politics in 1977. He’s worked with many political parties and was a minister under General Sani Abacha.

He later won an election as the governor of Nasarawa State in 1999 and served two terms until 2007. He became a senator in 2011 and remained in the Senate until he was elected the national chairman of the All Progressives Congress (APC) in 2022.

Atiku Abubakar, 75

Atiku is one of the favourites to win the 2023 presidential elections, but he’s been playing that game since 1992. If the former vice president wins, Nigeria would go from one septuagenarian to another. And if he loses, history shows there’s nothing to stop him from running again in 2027.

ALSO READ: Atiku Can’t Stop Running for President Despite His Record

Bola Tinubu, 70

Bola Tinubu is another favourite to win the 2023 presidential election who could continue Nigeria’s septuagenarian line of presidents. He was a senator in the 1990s and served two terms as Lagos State governor before settling into an alleged godfather role for the next three governors. He now has his sights on the Aso Rock Villa as his retirement home.

Ahmad Lawan, 63

He’s not exactly 70+ but he’s a baby boomer and one of the longest-serving lawmakers in Nigeria. He’s risen from being a House of Representatives member to becoming the Senate President and ~~landlord~~ head of the National Assembly which makes him the third most powerful person in Nigeria currently. And he’s already started targeting the number one position.

Nicholas Mutu, 62

He’s also not 70+ but Nicholas Mutu is another baby boomer who’s clung to power in Nigeria. At the age of 39, he was elected the representative of Bomadi/Patani federal constituency of Delta State in 1999. He’s simply never left since then and is a proper National Assembly landlord himself.

Femi Gbajabiamila, 60

He’s the youngest person on this list but as the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Femi Gbajabiamila is currently the fourth most powerful person in Nigeria. And he’s climbed all the way over there by nailing down a seat in the chamber since 2003.

ALSO READ: The Dramatic Impeachment Stories of Nigerian Governors
When terrorists attacked a train on the Abuja-Kaduna rail line in March 2022, it represented a new low for the Buhari administration. The terrorists bombed the rail line, killed nine people and kidnapped dozens of passengers.

The attack made a mockery of President Buhari’s supposed success in tackling insecurity. What Nigerians didn’t know at the time was that the government’s incompetence didn’t end there.

Buhari’s bold face

On August 11th, 2022, President Buhari met with representatives of the hostages in his castle in Abuja. He assured them that he was doing his best to ensure the release of the 31 hostages still left with the terrorists over four months after the attack.

The president also noted that the release of some of the hostages over the past few weeks was due to the efforts of his government.

The face of someone that’s proud of doing his best even when his best isn’t enough

But then, all the tea about how the terrorists continued to fool the president after the attack came from the mouth of his own senior special assistant, Garba Shehu.

What we thought was happening

Weeks after the train attack and abduction of the passengers, the terrorists demanded the release of their comrades in the government’s custody.

One of their known leaders, Abu Barra, also demanded the release of his children. He accused the government of forcefully keeping them in custody in Adamawa. The government didn’t respond publicly to these demands and maintained a bold face. This was in line with the government’s policy of not negotiating with terrorists and defeating them in press statements instead.

But the terrorists kept demanding ransom from the families of their hostages and lined their pockets with hundreds of millions of naira. This led to the release of some of the hostages in different batches over the past four months.

But new revelations show Buhari could have secured the release of the hostages without their families having to lose money in ransom. The only problem was the president tried and failed quite spectacularly.

ALSO READ: What Happens When Nigerian Police Officers Clash With Soldiers?

What really happened

The release of the hostages for ransom has attracted more ridicule for the Buhari government. To fight back against the accusation that it’s done nothing to help the hostages, Shehu spilled the beans on some details that should have probably stayed inside the pot.

In an interview with BBC Hausa on August 12th, 2022, Shehu said the government cooperated with the terrorists when they first took the hostages. They reached an arrangement that would allow the terrorists to get what they want so the government could get the hostages back. What could possibly go wrong?

For its part of the gentleman’s agreement, the government took care of the pregnant wife of one of the terrorist leaders. On the government’s watch, fully-funded by taxpayers, she delivered twins.

The government, feeling very generous, handed her over to her husband’s parents, fulfilling the demand of the terrorists for her release. This was the first time the government scratched the back of the terrorists and you’d expect the terrorists to scratch back. But what’s a little oath-breaking for terrorists?

When it was time to fulfil their own part of the bargain, the terrorists said:

Still marinating in his humiliation and (probably) concerned about the poor hostages, Buhari succumbed to more demands from the terrorists. Remember those children Abu Barra said were in detention in Adamawa? Well, the government sent a plane to pick them up and gift-wrapped them to the terrorists.

But did the terrorists give the president a reacharound for his troubles?

Instead, they started asking him for money. And this was the point Buhari realised the terrorists were hustling him like a JJC in Oshodi Underbridge.

We assume no one was holding a gun to Shehu’s head when he made these revelations, so why did he make them despite being very embarrassing to Buhari?

Well, he did it so that he could say, “People shouldn’t say the government is doing nothing.” And this only proves that if there’s one thing Buhari hates, it’s insult. But public humiliation is fine.

ALSO READ: Buhari’s Old Tweets That Have Aged Like Fried Rice
No one knows tomorrow, but Nigerian politicians are fond of talking like they have a crystal ball and know how the future plays out. As long as the goal is to get them into office, they can use mouth to build an ocean in the middle of the desert or command $1 to be the same as ₦1.

This is the case of Muhammadu Buhari before he became president and his tweets that have aged as well as fried rice.

An important question in 2015 and 2022

After seven years of Buhari, Nigerians can still be attacked travelling by road, rail, or air.

Bubs, we’re also begging

The unemployment rate was 6.4% at the end of 2014 but is now 33% after seven years of Buhari.

ALSO READ: Buhari’s Weirdest Decisions We Thought Were April Fool’s Day Jokes But Weren’t

Incompetence Pro Max

This was tweeted by a man who, years later, can throw a dinner party in the thick of a national tragedy.

Fuel queues yesterday, today and forever

Those fuel queues haven’t disappeared. If anything, they’ve worsened dramatically.

Laughs in subsequent medical issues

Went on to spend over 200 days abroad on medical leave.

Who is Boko Haram?

Buhari has gone on to claim many victories over Boko Haram even though nearly 100 Chibok girls are still missing.

The more things change…

This is even more valid in 2022 than it was in 2015. After seven years of the tweet’s author being in charge, death tolls have only skyrocketed. But we can agree with Buhari on one thing: Nigerians do deserve better.

ALSO READ: The 2023 Presidential Campaign Promises We Already Find Laughable
It’s well-established by now that it’s dangerous to leave the Buhari government to think about anything by themselves. So, it’s no surprise that the president is now considering a nationwide ban on okada operations. Why? To fight insecurity, of course. The logic is that banning motorcycles makes it harder for terrorists to operate in the manner they currently do.

The government believes banning okada is a small price for Nigerians to pay to finally say goodbye to killings across the country. This got us thinking about how many more things the government should ban to achieve its goal.

If we were allowed to be part of the National Security Council (NSC), here are the things we’d recommend for banning so that peace can reign.

Poverty

Poverty undoubtedly provides a steady supply of recruits for terrorism and crime in general. It’s easier to convince someone that has nothing going for them to enlist for a life of destruction. Building a more prosperous country for all automatically blocks this pipeline and insecurity would quickly reduce as a result. It’s simple maths.

But the only reason it’d be hard for the government to ban poverty and build a prosperous country is that they’d have to actually put in stellar work to pull it off. But alas….

Amnesty programmes

“Go and sin no more” has become a strategy that the Buhari government has perfected for the worst sinners. The Federal Government has its Operation Safe Corridor programme for repentant Boko Haram terrorists, and some state governors have also offered amnesty deals to terrorists in their territories. Even a wanted terrorist with a ₦5 million bounty on his head recently scored a chieftaincy title in Zamfara.

There’s nothing to show that these peace deals for terrorists are working, so it’s time to put an end to them. Send terrorists to prison or to God.

ALSO READ: Zamfara State Gives Award for “Best in Terrorism”

Prison breaks

Speaking of prison, Nigeria has been failing miserably to keep criminals in prison while they await trial or serve their prison terms. More than 4,000 prison inmates who have escaped since 2020 are still on the streets. It’d be nice if the government actually focuses on excelling at things within its control. No more prison breaks, please.

5G

It’s already been blamed for a global pandemic, so what’s one more thing in Nigeria? 5G has actually had a tough time finding a home here, and we may as well just ban it so that terrorists don’t have access to even better connectivity to make the government look even more incompetent.

Firecrackers and knockouts

Since we’re just banning anything now

Firecrackers have already tasted bans in some states so it wouldn’t even be shocking to fully ban them. Firecrackers already sound like guns and explosives. If you’re thinking like the Nigerian government, you want to ban them now before they develop minds of their own and grow to become guns and bombs.

Lai Mohammed

You can’t defeat insecurity with lies and propaganda. And there’s something about Lai Mohammed always claiming Nigeria’s security is improving that feels like it’s adding to the problem. To do better at tackling insecurity, we need to stop people who may hide the truth about the situation. And who better to start with than Lai?

Ban it

ALSO READ: Buhari’s Weirdest Decisions We Thought Were April Fool’s Day Jokes But Weren’t
24 years ago on June 8th 1998, General Sani Abacha died five years after he launched a military coup to take over Nigeria. What caused his death? It depends on who you ask. The official cause of death was that he died of a heart attack. But word on the streets was that he was poisoned by prostitutes who used an apple — you know, the same device that logged us out of the Garden of Eden.

Abacha’s death caused a ripple effect that altered the course of Nigerian history. But what if he never died? What would Nigerian history look like then? Let’s find out.

He’d be president for life

Before his death, Abacha’s government was transitioning Nigeria from military rule to democratic rule. But the kind of democracy Abacha planned to transition Nigeria into was as democratic as a mushroom is a fruit.

For starters, he arm-twisted all five political parties he approved at the time to nominate him as the only presidential candidate on the ballot. If he’d stayed alive to win that election, you’d expect that he’d have written the Nigerian constitution on his toilet seat and kept himself in power for life.

Nigeria would run a monarchy system

Sani Abacha didn’t come off as a guy that’d just be content with a life presidency. You just get the feeling he’d want his image to continue to loom large, long after he was gone. In 2022, it just so happens that his oldest surviving son, Mohammed Abacha, is on the ballot for the 2023 Kano governorship election. So it’s very likely he’d have wanted to directly transfer power to his children.

ALSO READ: Is the Abacha Stove Making a Comeback?

Twitter wouldn’t exist in Nigeria

President Buhari banned Twitter for seven months because his controversial tweet was deleted and everyone was mad about it. But Buhari is learning work where Abacha was, because the first person to make an inevitable joke about President Abacha’s tribal marks would easily get Twitter a permanent ban in Nigeria. VPNs wouldn’t work too and we’d have to sneak into Cameroon to tweet amala slander.

Buhari would be Abacha‘s Lai Mohammed

It’s hard to see a path that leads Buhari to become the president he is today if Abacha stayed alive. But despite Abacha’s terrible human rights atrocities and the well-documented fact that he was a big-time thief, Buhari is a strong defender of Abacha’s legacy. This makes it easy to imagine that in an Abacha lifetime presidency, Buhari would be his Lai Mohammed.

NTA would be Nigeria’s only media station

It’s no secret that Abacha wasn’t a great fan of the media. So, if he didn’t die 24 years ago, there probably would be no Channels TV to win “Best Station” for 12,000 consecutive years. All Nigerians would have would be an NTA remote-controlled from Abacha’s bedroom. The inflation rate and unemployment rate wouldn’t even exist.

General Sani Abacha’s place in Nigerian history cannot be forgotten for better or for worse, but it’s probably best for everyone that he left when he did. May affliction not rise a second time.

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