Marriage proposals are one of the biggest steps in any relationship. For some, it’s a gesture anyone should be free to make. For others, it’s a role tradition has firmly assigned to men. But why do people feel so differently about it?
To find out, we asked Nigerians across gender identities and age groups whether they think women should propose.
Men
“I’m glad my wife proposed” — Usman*, 46
My wife proposed to me, and I’m glad she did. We had a beautiful relationship, but I was unsure about taking the next step. I loved her, but the responsibility of building a family felt heavy, and I was scared. When she proposed that we get married and promised we could figure things out together because she didn’t want to wait anymore, it helped me make the decision.
For me, her taking that step was an act of love. It showed me how much she wanted our life together. Men aren’t used to having things done for them, and we’re rarely on the receiving end of grand gestures, which is sad. Five years later, I can say it was the best decision we made.
“A man would agree because it’s convenient” — Chuka*, 30
I’m on the fence because it really depends on the nature of the relationship. It only makes sense when you’re sure your partner genuinely loves you and wants to be with you. Men sometimes say yes out of convenience, and that kind of “yes” doesn’t always last.
Women, on the other hand, are usually more deliberate when accepting proposals, which is why it often works better when they’re the ones making the final call.
I wouldn’t advise a woman to propose if she isn’t completely sure about how invested her partner is or whether he’s ready for that next step. But if she’s certain they’re aligned and she knows he wants to marry her, then she can go ahead.
“I’d love to be proposed to” — Akin*, 25
Yes, a woman can propose. As a man, I’d actually like to be proposed to. There’s a kind of love and desire that comes through in that gesture. Most couples would’ve already discussed marriage and be on the same page before anyone proposes, but the proposal itself is the final signal that says, “I think things are stable enough for us to make this real.”
The person proposing wants to feel financially, emotionally, and mentally prepared, which is why the timing can vary significantly. At the end of the day, a proposal is really just someone saying, “I’m ready to get married to you.” It shouldn’t matter if they’re offering the biggest diamond in the world or just proposing over a private discussion.
Proposals should be about wanting to initiate a romantic gesture to your partner, regardless of gender.
“Culturally, women proposing isn’t a problem” — David*, 23
Anyone should definitely be able to propose. It’s your life, and it feels unfair to sit around waiting for someone to make that decision just because we’ve turned it into something shameful for women. If you look at it culturally, there were times when a bride’s family could approach a man’s family to suggest marriage, or the groom’s family could initiate things. Nobody was shamed for taking the first step.
Now that individuals make these decisions for themselves, why should it suddenly become one-sided? I’d honestly be glad if someone considered me enough to propose.
Women
“I was shamed for asking a man out” — Molara*, 55
No, I don’t think it’s a woman’s place to propose. It’s simply not how our society is built. In theory, it shouldn’t be a bad thing, but men are raised to take the lead.
I once asked a guy out at university. He agreed, but the relationship didn’t go well. Anytime we argued, he’d throw it in my face that I was the one who begged him into it. I learned from that that when you make the first move, some men start to disregard you or treat you like you’re easy.
If a woman wants things to move forward, she can hint at it or ask friends or family to talk to him. If he decides not to pursue it further, then you have your answer.
“Women should be able to direct their future” — Sophia* 28
Yes. As a radical feminist, I don’t like marriage because it’s patriarchal and often takes away women’s agency. But since many women will still choose to marry, I believe they should be able to direct the future of their relationships.
No one should kneel to propose, and public proposals feel manipulative. But women should be able to tell a man they want marriage instead of waiting for him to decide. The shaming of women who propose keeps many women stuck in long relationships, living in “pause mode,” hoping a man will eventually ask.
It’s also hypocritical that the same people who shame women for proposing are the ones giving men ultimatums. That double standard gives men room to be manipulative and discourages women from being assertive.
Marriage may be patriarchal, but women shouldn’t be mocked for initiating it when men are praised for doing the exact same thing.
“It only works in theory” — Brenda*, 28
I don’t think women should propose. For me, the answer is no. I was once open to it, but that changed after an incident I witnessed in 2017. A woman proposed, and the way people spoke to her and talked down to her afterwards was terrible. It made me realise it’s not worth it. Men can be cruel in how they present things, and their egos can worsen the situation.
In theory, I don’t have a problem with the idea, but with the way things are now, and how men behave, I can’t support it. Our society isn’t at the level of understanding or equality where a woman proposing would be taken well or benefit her in the long run.
I think couples should talk about marriage before any official proposal happens, but as for the actual act of proposing, I don’t think women should be the ones doing it.
“I need men to beg” — Cynthia* 23
No. I need men on their knees begging to marry women. Honestly, women proposing looks good on paper, but it’s not a great idea in practice. If you’re the one chasing a man, he might just go along with it because it’s easier. Plenty of men admit this.
People say it’s a way for women to show initiative or get the kind of proposal they want, or maybe to push things forward if the man is hesitating. But why would you want to be in any of those situations to begin with?
I know there’s some internalised misogyny in how I feel, but women already do the most emotional labour and deal with more pressure in relationships. Adding proposals to the list just feels unnecessary. Personally, it gives me the ick.
Non Binary
“Proposals are a social construct” — Tolu*, 33
Generally speaking, yes, women can propose. For me, proposals shouldn’t have a gender attached to them. The whole idea feels like a social construct. If two people are making life decisions together, why should one person have to wait for the other to initiate it? That’s why you see couples together for years, wanting to move forward but feeling stuck because they “can’t” ask.
Marriage is a serious decision that should come from conversations about goals and compatibility. For someone like me, who doesn’t conform to most societal norms, any partner I’m with has to be open to sitting down, discussing things, and reaching a conclusion together. That’s why I don’t believe in proposals at all.
The whole “Will you marry me?” moment feels like a performance. What matters is the discussion behind it, not who kneels first. If we deconstructed the idea of proposals, relationships would be much healthier. People would make decisions based on readiness, not by society’s expectations.
My partner and I talk about the future and whether marriage is something we want. I’m not ready yet, but those conversations are important because marriage shouldn’t be one person’s decision. As an institution, it often favours one gender over the other, and proposals can even become a form of emotional blackmail.
“The bolder person should propose” — Iman* 28
In my opinion, the bolder person in the relationship should be the one to propose. We shouldn’t assign roles based on gender, but it does make sense to consider each person’s unique personality. Who’s more masc-presenting? Who’s more straightforward? Who naturally takes the lead, and who’s more laid back?
I’m a very laid-back person, even with my current partner. I can’t see myself walking up to someone to say, “Would you marry me?” It would most likely go the other way around. I have a lot of anxiety around that kind of moment, and it’s just not in my nature. I also tend to date people who are more firm and forward, so I’d genuinely love to be proposed to.
I know men and women who struggle with decision-making, so saying it’s strictly a man’s or a woman’s responsibility doesn’t make sense. Anyone whose personality leans toward taking initiative should be the one to propose, and we need to stop shaming people for doing what fits their relationship dynamic.
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