Every week, Zikoko spotlights the unfiltered stories of women navigating life, love, identity and everything in between.
What She Said will give women the mic to speak freely, honestly and openly, without shame about sex, politics, family, survival, and everything else life throws our way.
For Bekky*, a 25-year-old content creator based in Ibadan, a casual reconnection with an ex turned into a nightmare that involved unwanted advances, a creepy admirer, and a defamation lawsuit that came out of nowhere.
(*Names changed for privacy)
Let’s start from the beginning. How did you meet your ex?
At a rave. I was maybe 19, and Tarabi*, 26, was everywhere on the scene. If there was a party happening in Lagos, she was there. She had this energy that just pulled you in, you know? We started talking, and it was a fast conversation. Like, really fast. One week we’re exchanging numbers, the next we’re inseparable.
It was intense. The kind of relationship where you’re texting constantly, hanging outalmost every day, staying up till 4 a.m., talking about everything and nothing. I’d never felt anything like it before. But it was also volatile. We didn’t fight often, but when we did? It was dirty, especially on her side. She knew exactly what to say to hurt you, and she wasn’t afraid to go there.
There was a lot of jealousy, too. She’d accuse me of things I wasn’t doing, and get upset if I went out without her. I was young, so I thought it meant she loved me. Now I know it was just possessive behaviour.
How did it end?
Badly. The jealousy got worse, and one day we just exploded. I can’t even remember what started it, but it ended with her saying some really hurtful things, I can’t repeat. I was done. I blocked her everywhere and focused on finishing my final year at school.
We didn’t speak for a whole year. Honestly, I needed that space. I was healing, focusing on myself, trying to figure out who I was outside of that relationship.
So how did you end up back in each other’s lives?
I returned to Lagos after school, and suddenly we found ourselves in the same circles again. Mutual friends, same parties, same spaces. It was unavoidable.
At first, we’d just acknowledge each other with a nod from across the room. Then one day, she sent me a DM. A casual “Hey, how have you been?” I replied because I’m not one to hold grudges forever, and I thought maybe we could be civil.
The conversations became longer and more personal. It was almost like we were circling each other, testing the waters. Part of me was intrigued, but I was also very cautious. I remembered how things ended.
When did things take a turn?
She’d been trying to get me to come over for weeks. I create content, and she wanted to collaborate or just hang out; I wasn’t sure which. I kept saying I was busy, which was true. But one day, she was like, “Just come. Bring your stuff, stay over if you need to. Let’s just see each other.”
I thought, okay, it’s just a shoot. We’re adults. We can handle this. So I went.
At first, it was normal. We shot some content, caught up, and laughed about old times. It felt good. Like, we could actually be friends. Her place was nice, and she was being really hospitable. I started to relax.
Then bedtime came. She showed me where to sleep, and I lay down facing the wall. I was tired, ready to knock out. Then I felt someone getting into the bed.
Wait, what?
I turned around, and she was fully naked. And there were vibrators and other toys scattered on the bed like she’d been setting up a whole scene.
I turned back to face the wall so fast. My brain was just screaming, “What the fuck? What the actual fuck?” But I didn’t say anything. I just lay there, stiff as a board, until I eventually fell asleep. She didn’t say anything either. That’s what made it even more bizarre. She just got into bed like it was normal. Like we were still together, and this was something I’d be into.
What happened the next morning?
I woke up and she acted like everything was fine. She made breakfast and asked if I had slept well. I played along because I didn’t want to make it awkward. I just wanted to leave.
Then her boyfriend came over. I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend until that moment. He came through, very friendly, very chill. We watched a movie together, all three of us on the couch. He left after a while, and I thought that was the end of it.
But she started asking me if I was okay. Over and over. “Are you sure you’re okay? Did he make you uncomfortable? You can tell me.” I was so confused. I said yes, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?
Did he come back?
The next night, yes. We watched another movie. Everything seemed normal, then I started hearing sounds. Like, pla pla sounds. Kissing sounds.
I was so absorbed in the show that I didn’t even notice at first. But when I turned to look, they were full-on making out. She was on top of him, right there on the same couch I was sitting on, and they were going at it.
I tried to ignore it and act like nothing was happening. But it got louder. Moaning, touching, the whole thing. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I got up to leave. The problem was that the way the parlour was set up, I had to walk past them to get to the room.
As I did, I felt two different hands on the back of my thigh. I turned around, and they were both looking at me, gesturing, giving me eyes. Like they were inviting me to join.
I pulled my body away so fast and went straight into the room. I locked the door and didn’t come out until morning. I was gone before either of them woke up.
Did you ever talk to her about it?
No. I blocked her again and tried to move on with my life.
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So when did you see her again?
Months later, at a party. I was there alone but met up with friends, just trying to have a good time. She came up to me, all smiles, like nothing had happened andtalking to me. I told her straight up, “I have a boyfriend. I’m not interested.”
You know what she said? “We’re girls now. We’re girlssss.” Like it made it okay. Like the fact that she’s a woman meant my boyfriend didn’t matter.
Then she started with, “Is he paying your rent? Is he doing this for you? I can do all of that. I’ll buy you this, I’ll pay for that.” Just going on and on. I was so uncomfortable.
On top of that, someone overheard this conversation and used it as ammo for the next things that followed.
Someone overheard your conversation?
Yes. There was this guy I’ve known since secondary school. Chukwudi* was a few years older, and he’s been obsessed with me for years.
He followed me home once after a hangout with friends. He sent constant messages. He showed up at places I’d be. At first, I thought he was just persistent, but it got creepy. I told him off in a big way once, and really warned him to leave me the hell alone . He rested for a bit. But then it started again. I had to tell my older sister, and she got involved. She’s a principal with friends in high places, so she has this way of handling things that makes people back off. I think she even contacted his parents. After that, I didn’t hear from him again.
But at this party, he was nearby, and he overheard everything my ex was saying to me.
How did you find out?
Through mutual friends. Apparently, after that party, he and my ex linked up. I don’t know how they connected, but they did. And they just fed off each other’s resentment. I think they were lying to each other, too, hyping each other up about whatever narratives they’d created about me.
Next thing I know, I’m getting an email saying I have 30 days to appear in court for defamation, or I will be fined.
Defamation? For what?
I still don’t fully understand. The claim was vague, but from what I gathered, it was a mix of things. The email stated that I’d been “spreading false and malicious statements” about her, which allegedly damaged her reputation and business relationships.
There was something about me revealing to mutual friends that she tried to force me into sexual situations without my consent. Another thing about me warning other women about her. And then there was a whole section about me allegedly “accusing her of homosexuality” to clients and brands we both worked with.
The email mentioned specific instances where I supposedly told people about our past relationship and what happened that night with her and her boyfriend. It said these statements cost her business opportunities and damaged her standing in our industry. I was also working with some brands at the time, and we had mutual clients, so maybe she thought I’d said something that affected her money.
Honestly, the whole thing felt like they just threw everything at the wall to see what would stick. I just know I got that email, and I was furious.
What did you do?
Nothing. I was mad, scared, and confused, but I also knew I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t respond. I didn’t show up. The court date came and passed, and nothing happened. Shi shi.
I think it was all just to intimidate me, and when I didn’t react, they moved on.
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What about your boyfriend at the time? How did he handle all this?
Terribly. When I told him what happened with my ex and her boyfriend that night in the parlour, he turned on me. He said I must have wanted it. Maybe I did sleep with them, and I was just lying. It was disgusting. He basically victim-blamed me for something I didn’t even do.
And when I didn’t beg him or grovel, his ego couldn’t take it. He started blowing up my phone, sending long messages, and showing up at places. Then it turned into threats. I don’t even remember exactly what he said, but it got bad enough that I had to tell my parents. My dad called the police, and they warned him to stay away. My dad even paid some boys to beat him up. I’m not proud of that, but I was scared, and my family was just trying to protect me.
That’s a lot to deal with at once. How did you cope?
I didn’t for a while. I was angry, exhausted, and just done with people. I felt like everywhere I turned, someone was trying to manipulate me or control me or make me feel like I owed them something.
But I’d always planned to leave Lagos eventually. I’ve never been crazy about the fast life there.It was always too much, too loud, too everything. So when a remote digital marketing job came up and then I got another physical job in Ibadan, I just took it as a sign.
Not long after all of this, I moved. And it helped. I haven’t seen her or Chukwudi since. They never reached out again, and I have no business with them.
How do you feel about relationships now?
Very cautious. I’ve realised that I tend to attract people who become obsessed with me. I give too much too quickly, and they become possessive in a way that’s not healthy. So now I’m like, I’m goooooood. I’m very single. No girlfriends, no boyfriends. I’m learning to take things slowly, to give less of myself upfront, to really watch people before I let them in.
Do you think you’ll date again?
Maybe. But not anytime soon. I’m 25 now, and I’m just focused on myself. Building my career, healing, and figuring out who I am, all without the chaos. No girlfriends. No boyfriends.
I wish I’d never met her, to be honest. However, I also learned a great deal from that entire experience. I learned that people will try you if you let them. That boundaries are everything. That sometimes walking away is the most powerful thing you can do.
Last question: Are you happy now?
Yes. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be. I’m not looking for anyone to complete me or validate me. I’m just… existing. Peacefully. And that’s enough.
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