Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Ada* (21) and Tolu* (19) met on Twitter, and their relationship blossomed from their first interaction.
However, their relationship began to crack under the weight of their differing expectations, personalities, and a mistake with an ex that changed everything.
Tell me how you guys met
We started talking on Twitter in May 2023. Tolu posted a hot photo, and I commented, “Take my life” under it. A week later, she texted me, and we started getting to know each other.
That’s so cute. When did you guys start dating officially?
It took a while before we became official. We were texting and flirting in the dms for months then I asked her out in June as a way to celebrate Pride Month and of course, she said yes.
You guys were real lovers. What were your early days together like?
We were actually long-distance when we started dating. Tolu went to school outside of Lagos, so we were just communicating over the phone. She would travel from school to come and see me sometimes, but we would always get a hotel because she wasn’t comfortable staying with me at my parents’ house.
Did her discomfort over this cause any issues between you?
If it was just that she didn’t like staying at my parents’ side, it wouldn’t have been a problem, but we butted heads over other issues.
Tell me about them
The first issue we had was our opposite personalities. She was really introverted and liked being indoors, while I’m an extrovert who loves going out and socialising.
She’s also more closeted than I am, so she was insecure about being seen in public with me. This meant all our dates were indoors to accommodate her reservedness. Tolu was also still in university, so that meant I had to foot the bills for all the hotel stays and food we ate, even though I didn’t earn a lot.
Another thing was that she didn’t like to be seen with me. She wouldn’t even go on a walk with me in the street to buy the food we ate at the hotels we stayed at. I didn’t mind it at first, but as our relationship went on, it became clear to me that she wasn’t willing to make any adjustments for me the way that I did for her.
Did you ever talk to her about it?
Yes, I raised the issue several times, and each time, she would promise to do better and put some more effort into sharing my interests, but she never did.
Once, she promised to go to a rave with me, and I was really excited about it. It was going to be the first time that she and I would be outside together at a party. Tolu ended up cancelling on me the day of the rave. She said she had an emergency come up, and I was so disappointed. Her refusal to go on outdoor dates upset me a lot because she didn’t seem to have that problem with her friends.
She went out a lot with her friends?
Yes, o. She and her friends went out a lot and she looked like she had a lot of fun when she did. I just wish she showed that side of herself when it came to our own dates.
When did you decide you’d had enough?
I didn’t initially decide that I’d had enough. I really liked her and I was willing to keep accommodating her excesses but I made a mistake. It was that mistake that made me realise I needed to leave the relationship.
What did you do?
I cheated on Tolu. It wasn’t a deliberate act on my part. I reconnected with an old flame, Sarah*, at one of the raves I went to, and we started flirting. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we were in bed together. I felt awful afterwards because I had never cheated on anyone before.
Did you tell Tolu about it?
Not at first. I was conflicted about what I had done. I asked a bunch of my friends for advice, but they weren’t telling me anything helpful. On one hand, I really liked Tolu, but she didn’t want to be seen with me at all. Sarah, on the other hand, loved being seen with me, touching me in public and all that lovey stuff. I tried to talk to Tolu again to see if we could find a middle ground between my outgoing personality and her reserved one, but she wasn’t willing to compromise.
After thinking deeply about it, I decided to up with Tolu.
How did she take it?
She didn’t take it well at first. She sent a two page apology promising to change and do better. Then she started expressing concern for my health and asking to meet up but I stood on business.
Did you move on with Sarah?
Yeah, we started seeing each other regularly, but that’s a story for another day.
Would you get back together with Tolu if she showed you she had changed and was willing to go out on dates with you?
No, I think she’s in my past now. I’ve moved on to other people and other experiences and I don’t want to be disappointed if she decides to go back to how she used to be.
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