Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Damola*(23) met Tinuade*(23) in church in 2021, and they began a friendship that blossomed into a two-year-long situationship. Things were going smoothly until one day, she stopped responding to Damola’s calls or messages.
He still sees her in church every Sunday, and in this week’s edition of Sunken Ships, he shares how their relationship started, how Tinuade’s actions made him feel, and how it affected his experience of romantic relationships.
Tell me how you and Tinuade* hit it off.
Tinuade and I met in August 2021 and formed a quick friendship. Her father is a pastor, and at the time, he was transferred to head our branch of the church. At first, I spoke to her just to be polite, but as we spent more time together each Sunday, our bond began to deepen. Soon after, she confessed her feelings to me, and I asked her out on a date. By December 2021, we were seeing each other regularly, though we didn’t want to put any hard labels on what we were doing.
That’s cute. What were the dynamics of this situationship?
Quite frankly, it didn’t feel like a situationship while it lasted. I wasn’t seeing anyone else, and neither was she. We just didn’t want to label our relationship with anything that would draw unnecessary attention.
I liked her a lot. It helped that we attended the same school, so we would run into each other sometimes on campus. Or I’d visit her at her hostel, and we’d talk for hours. We were close, and we shared everything.
So what went wrong?
Hm, if you ask me, na who I go ask? I was having a great time. It’s not like our relationship was perfect. We had some fights over jealousy or poor communication, but it never shook our connection.
One day in December 2023, I called her because I hadn’t heard from her, and she didn’t pick up. I left several messages, and she still didn’t respond. Meanwhile, she was keeping our snap streak alive. It was so confusing.
I waited until the next Sunday to confront her, but she treated me like I was an acquaintance and all of our history was a joke. She was so cold. After church, she sent me a simple break-up text, “I’m not the one for you.”
That’s awful, I’m so sorry. How did that make you feel?
I was really hurt. She was one of my closest friends. My family and hers even knew about our friendship, not that we were seeing each other, but they knew we were quite close. I considered responding to her message and asking her why she thought she wasn’t the one for me. We hadn’t fought, and she didn’t seem to be speaking with anyone new; her decision came out of nowhere.
Did you ever ask her what happened or what triggered it?
I wanted to, but I was too proud. We’re adults, and we’ve been together for two years. I felt that if she was going to be mature about it, she’d give me her reasons. She never did.
Wow. What’s your relationship with her like now?
We barely speak. To avoid scrutiny, we still say hi to each other at church sometimes, but that relationship, that friendship, is dead and buried. I’ve blocked her everywhere we used to talk, sef.
Has this affected the way you navigate romance and relationships?
Absolutely. For more than a year after Tinuade and I split up, I became extremely nonchalant and emotionally avoidant. I feel bad when I look back at that version of myself because I hurt the people I had flings with. And it was all because I hadn’t healed from that break-up.
How do you mean?
I would frustrate them by not caring or communicating. They would try to reach me emotionally, but I would be far away. I didn’t care if they stayed or left. I wrapped myself up in the safety that comes with the absence of emotion. While it’s true that I didn’t get hurt, I hated that other people did. And above all, I found that it wasn’t sustainable. I had to change.
What has it been like since you changed?
It’s been great. I’m currently dating someone with whom I feel safe, and I realised I really missed being in touch with my emotions. She gets me, is very open about her feelings, and allows me space to do the same. Being with her has gone a long way in healing the emotional wound Tinuade gave me.
Would you ever consider getting back together with Tinuade if she came to apologise?
I used to fantasise about a situation like that when we had just split. I imagined her saying it was all a mistake and she was sorry. In that scenario, I took her back. But now, after all the growing I’ve done, I think it would be best if we stayed as we are now— apart.
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