Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Dunni* (29) and Emmanuel* (31) met online and became friends. After their first in-person meeting, they both caught feelings and kicked off a whirlwind romance that seemed unshakeable.
However, things shifted when they had to become a long distance couple. Dunni* shares how their relationship broke down under the weight of insecurity, jealousy and a lack of trust all fueled by the physical distance between them.
How did you meet Emmanuel?
We actually met on Twitter in March 2018 when I was in my final year. I made a joke post when I reached a cliffhanger episode of the anime I was watching, and he responded to the tweet with a funny comment. After that, we started DM-ing each other regularly to discuss our favourite shows. It turned out he had graduated from my university a year before, but he had come back for his clearance and convocation in November. So we stayed online friends and agreed to meet in person when he came back to school.
How did that first meeting go?
It wasn’t like meeting a stranger for the first time. From the moment we met in person, it felt like I had always known him. We clicked so easily. We initially planned to meet in one of the school cafeterias for a quick lunch, but we ended up spending the whole afternoon and most of the evening together. I didn’t get home until 11:00 pm, and all we were doing was gisting about our common interests. It was magical.
Wow, that’s so adorable. How did you guys move from being online friends to dating?
I attended his convocation party a few days after our in-person meet, and by that time, I knew I had a massive crush on him. He was supposed to go back to Abuja the next day, and I was so sad about him leaving, but I held my tongue.
When it was time for me to go home, Emmanuel walked me to my bus stop but wouldn’t let me get on a bus. He begged me to wait for the next one while we held hands and talked quietly. He did this until I told him I actually had to go home at some point.
What was his reaction to that?
He laughed and said, “Can I tell you something crazy? I’m pretty sure I don’t want to live my life without you. Will you please be my girlfriend?”
I laughed because I was sure he was joking, but he said he was serious. So I told him I’d need some time to think about it but when I got home that night, I didn’t even drop my bag before texting him my reply. I said yes.
What were your early days of dating like?
It was unbelievably perfect. He postponed his trip back to Abuja for another week, so we just spent the time together. We saw each other every day and we tried to know everything about each other before he left. The day he went back I cried like a baby because I had already started missing him before he left.
So you guys became a long-distance couple?
Yeah, we talked on the phone every day and tried to stay in touch as much as possible.
Was it hard?
At first it wasn’t. In our initial plan, he was going to do his service year in Lagos so we would have been able to see each other often but everything scattered. He served in Abuja instead, which meant we weren’t going to see each other for at least a year. I was devastated.
Oh no, that’s so sad. You guys couldn’t visit each other at all?
Neither of us could afford the plane tickets and we thought going by road was too risky so we kept it online. I managed to visit him about seven months later when I attended a wedding in Abuja. Seeing him was like drinking a cup of cold water on a hot day. However, when I got back to Lagos, we started having issues.
What kind of issues?
We started arguing. Something we had never done before. When I brought it up, he admitted that he felt insecure about the other people moving to me in Lagos, but I tried to reassure him that he was the only one for me. I don’t think he believed me, though.
Why do you say that?
He kept another girl close by. Emmanuel studied medicine, and he had a female classmate who was also serving in Abuja. It was so obvious to me that this babe liked my man, but he kept shrugging it off because they were classmates. After our initial conversation, he started spending more and more time with her. It became a big issue between us when this babe bought him expensive gifts for no reason, or kept trying to spend nights at his place.
We had a big fight on the phone in September 2019 when he posted a photo on his WhatsApp status, and this girl was in the background wearing only a sports bra. His explanation was that “It was a hot afternoon”. I was very irritated.
Whoa, that’s wild. Did you guys manage to resolve that issue?
No, it became a sore spot. He felt like I was trying to screen his friends while I was meeting new boys every day in Lagos. When I tried to tell him I wasn’t talking to anyone else, he told me to send a screenshot of my DMs and WhatsApp conversations. It was while I was sending them to Emmanuel that I realised he didn’t trust me.
I called him after I sent the photos and asked him if he believed me now, but he said that he knew how all long-distance relationships ended and he was sure that I would cheat on him sooner or later.
What was your response?
I got very upset and told him to take it back, but he refused to. I told him that I couldn’t date someone who didn’t trust me and asked to break up. He accepted it and spent the next week posting him and his classmate we’d been fighting about. They were going on ice cream dates, seeing movies and the like. The jealousy almost choked me, but what could I do except move on?
Did he ever try to get back together with you?
Yes. After a few weeks, he sent a message saying he missed us and wanted us to try dating again. He said he would make plans to move to Lagos after his service year so we could be together, but I declined.
Why didn’t you accept?
I had to be honest with myself; Emmanuel’s doubt about my loyalty to him hurt me deeply. I realised that though our connection was great, it wasn’t strong enough to survive a long-distance situation. I told him if he ever moved to Lagos, he should hit me up so that we could try dating again. He agreed, but he never moved; he’s still in Abuja.
Does he ever reach out?
He messages me often. Sometimes he writes me poetry, other times he sends a message talking about how much he’s missed me. I havent replied to any of them since 2020.
Would you get back together with him if he moved to Lagos?
I don’t know; it’s 50/50 for me. I think we match each other’s energy well, but I’d have to see him again to be sure. Regardless of what happened between us, I don’t hate him. I just wish we had more time to build our relationship before we switched to long distance.
Do you see Emmanuel as “the one that got away”?
Not really. Our connection was incredible, but I have explored my feelings for other people since we broke up. I’m not holding on to the hope that Emmanuel and I could work out. Whatever will be, will be.
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