Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Tina*(27) and Richard*(37) met while she was writing her exams in 2017. Their initial friendship bloomed into romance, but Richard’s distrust and desire to control her marred their bliss.
Tina shares how what started as sweet, hours-long phone calls quickly turned into endless fights and constant explanations. She tells Zikoko how everything unfolded and how being with Richard taught her that what she really wants is peace.
Tell me about how you met.
Richard and I met in September 2017. He spotted me while I was writing my 200L exams and asked his friend, one of the invigilating lecturers, about me. After the exam, my lecturer introduced us and we got talking. I was 19 at the time, while Richard was 29.
How did you guys become an item?
There wasn’t any official conversation about the start of our relationship. We just naturally transitioned from a platonic relationship to a more serious romantic relationship in early 2018, and that was fine with me.
What were the early days of your relationship like?
Initially, it was really nice. I schooled in Calabar while he worked in Zamfara, so we were a long-distance couple. To connect, we would spend hours on the phone just talking about our lives and interests. He was really interested in my activities and would ask about my friends, my whereabouts and more.
How often did you see each other?
He would visit me once or twice a semester when he had business in Calabar, and we would spend time together. Travelling that distance made me feel like he was just as invested in our relationship as I was.
When did you start noticing any red flags?
A few months into our relationship, I noticed Richard had started to become overbearing. If I missed his calls, I would have to explain where I was, what I was doing and who I was doing it with. I also had to explain why I didn’t call back immediately after I saw I missed a call from him.
Wow. How did you handle his overbearing requests?
I took it in stride. I admired him, and I felt that it wasn’t unreasonable to ask me for more responsibility when it came to communicating with him. I tried to be more open and shared my school timetable with him so he could be aware of my schedule. But we still fought over my activities.
Can you say why?
He didn’t like it when I did anything without telling him in advance. For example, there was a time I didn’t attend the morning mass and, on a whim, decided to attend the evening mass instead. When he called me that evening, I sent him a hasty message that I was at church and couldn’t take the call. It turned into a huge fight, and I told him he could either trust me or leave me alone.
What was his response?
He said it wasn’t that he didn’t trust me, but he knew what the other girls my age in school were doing, and since he couldn’t see me every day, he couldn’t help but worry I was doing the same things. Then he apologised and we made up.
Was that the only time you had a fight over this issue?
No, this was a recurring sore spot in our relationship. Things would go back to normal for a short while after I complained, then he would go back to being overbearing again. I didn’t mind reassuring him because we were in a long-distance relationship.
When did the cracks start appearing in your union?
I started noticing we had bigger issues about a year into our relationship. I had to do a year’s internship at a school as a requirement for my degree, and did it in my home state. Richard felt that being out of school would mean I had more free time for his calls or to travel to him for a visit. When I told him that wasn’t the case, it caused some friction between us. I still tried to visit it whenever I had some spare time, but then we started having sex- related issues.
Tell me about those.
When we started talking, I let him know that I had a strict religious upbringing, and so didn’t want to have sex until we were married. I was terrified of an unplanned pregnancy interrupting my education because abortion wasn’t an option for me.
Richard was cool about it at first, but a year into our relationship, he started asking more often. When I refused, he would fume and say I wasn’t committing fully to him. He insinuated that I was doing it with other boys instead of him.
Did his requests make you feel pressured?
Yes, and I disliked it a lot because I had explained to him about my faith and fears regarding sex. Sometimes we’d make out, but he’d cross certain boundaries I had set, and it made me very uncomfortable. The worst part was that after I let him cross those boundaries, he would fling it in my face when we fought about his trust issues.
I told him that if he waited for me to finish my degree, we could get married and start our lives together. Richard agreed, and for a while, we were good, but then we had a huge fight in December 2019.
What happened?
A close friend of mine was getting married, and I was on her bridal train. This meant that I was constantly on the phone with her and my fellow bridesmaids, sorting out one thing or the other. One day in December, I missed one of his calls because I was speaking to the bride.
I called him back immediately after, but nothing could convince him I wasn’t speaking to another man. I tried to explain myself, but he wasn’t having it.
What did he say?
He said many hurtful things, called me a liar, and said he was done with the relationship. I tried to communicate with him, but he said he couldn’t keep up with my “attitude.”
What did you do?
I tried to call his bluff by accepting his request to break up. It was like a joke to me at first, but he actually stopped taking my calls. I waited a week, and when he didn’t respond or reach out, I called him to ask if he was being serious. He said he was, and I had to accept that our relationship was over.
How did you take the break-up?
I was gutted. Everyone in my life knew we were together, so for the next year, while trying to heal, I had to field questions from random people about how my relationship was doing. It was a gut punch each time I had to say we had split up.
Did you guys ever reconnect?
Yes, Richard reached out to me at the end of 2020, saying that he missed me and wanted to give us another chance. I hadn’t gotten over him, so I gladly took him back and made an informal introduction to my family.
How did this second attempt at making it work with Richard go?
Honestly, it was so much worse than the first time we dated. He became even more overbearing. During the time we were apart, I had finished school, so I had done some growing and felt I could be more opinionated. Richard disagreed. He kept trying to control aspects of my life, like who I was friends with and where I was going. When I refused his control, we fought.
He said he couldn’t have a woman in his house, he couldn’t talk to. I tried to tell him there was a difference between talking about things and controlling me, but we just couldn’t agree. Regardless of our internal issues, we were planning our wedding in 2021.
How was that planning process?
We fought every step of the way; we couldn’t agree on anything. Our biggest fight happened towards the end of 2021. His older brother was getting married in Kogi, and at the last minute, he asked me to attend with him. I was doing my service year at the time, so I couldn’t drop everything I was doing to be with him. He said he was fine with it and immediately withdrew emotionally as a way to punish me.
I tried calling him and checking in on him during his trip but he didn’t respond at all. For the entire trip I kept trying to reach out to him but heard nothing back.
How did this make you feel?
I was so angry. Even after we had gotten back together, he was constantly accusing me of infidelity, but when it was convenient for him, he stopped taking my calls. I mentally checked out of the relationship and asked for a break-up.
Whoa. How did Richard take this?
He called my family to intervene, but I had already made up my mind. The longer we spent together, the more toxic our relationship became. I didn’t want to start a family with that energy, so I opted out. We didn’t speak to each other for more than a year after that.
What made you guys reconnect?
He reached out to tell me that his dad passed away in 2023. I decided to try for a friendship with him because I knew how much he admired his dad. After the burial, I went to visit Richard twice, and both times, he tried to persuade me into his bed. I didn’t want to deal with the sexual pressure from him anymore and ended things finally.
How has your love life been since then?
It’s been very hard for me to connect with other people since I broke things off with Richard. I was seeing someone once who joked that I was “talking to other boys abi?” when I missed his call. It made me so afraid of repeating what I had with Richard that I ended things.
Any hint that a man wants to control me or wants to know my every move makes me run for the hills. I want a partner, not a boss.
Has Richard reached out to you since your last split?
Yes, he calls me every three months to say he misses me and keeps trying to look for an opportunity for us to get back together.
Is getting back together with Richard something you’re considering at all?
No. I can’t stand how controlling he is. I’m afraid that if we try again, nothing will change, and we’d just be going back to the same problems.
Sometimes, I’m afraid I made the wrong choice by leaving him, but when I think about it deeply, I know that my peace of mind is worth far more than any companionship I had with Richard.
Are you open to dating in the future?
Yes, I just need to be reassured that he’s someone who won’t doubt me and has no desire to place me under his thumb.
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