Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Tomi* (22) and Lami* (22) met in their first year of university, and their connection was instant. They told each other everything, leaned on each other, and built a friendship Tomi believed nothing could shake. Even when Lami got into a rocky relationship, Tomi stayed by her side, determined to be a person she could always rely on.
In this Sunken Ships, he shares how one moment forced him to question everything he thought he knew about loyalty, and his friendship with Lami.
What moment made you realise your friendship with Lami was never going to be the same?
When I was in the police station, being grilled by two officers, she looked at me as if she wasn’t the person who had given me the information I was being questioned about. I knew then that our friendship was probably over.
Let’s go back to the start. Where did you meet?
We met at university in our first year in 2021. We shared a class and a passing acquaintance quickly deepened into a close bond.
Tell me about the early years of your friendship.
We told each other everything. I felt like I could be myself with her and saw her as my sister. I thought she felt the same way about me.
Okay, what about her boyfriend? What was the dynamic there?
Lami started dating this guy in our set, Layo*, when we were in 200L. He seemed to genuinely care about her and was pretty chill during the few times we hung out as a group. I was happy for my friend and the love she had found, but my perception of him changed negatively only a short while after they started dating.
Why?
Because we were close, Lami would often confide in me about her relationship. From our conversations, I found out that Layo was controlling. At first, I thought that was the extent of it, but as their relationship continued, Lami’s reports became more and more disturbing until she finally told me that Layo was being physically abusive.
That’s awful. Did you try to confront him?
No, I didn’t. I didn’t want him to think that Lami was discussing their relationship with outsiders and possibly punish her for it.
Did you ever encourage her to leave him?
Yes, several times. I wasn’t sure how best to help her since I’m a student too, but I encouraged her to speak to someone with authority or at least break up with him.
Did she try to?
No. She would promise me each time that she would either split up or talk to someone, but she wouldn’t go through with it. Instead, she made excuses for him and stayed with him because she really loved him.
How did this make you feel?
I felt powerless. I hated seeing my friend go through something so terrible, so I decided not to abandon her and continue to be a safe space for her. But then I heard a rumour that shook me to my core.
What did you hear?
One day, one of the boys in my hostel came to me and asked if I’d heard that Layo’s boyfriend was beating her. I was alarmed. I thought Lami had only confided in me and one other friend. I didn’t want to give up her secrets, so I tried to play it off as an unfounded rumour.
Did you tell her about it?
Yes. As soon as he left, I texted Lami and told her about the rumour. I was also worried about what I’d heard, so I asked her if she was okay and if she needed me.
What did she say?
She asked who told me, but I wasn’t willing to name-drop my friend as the source, so I tried to be vague about it. I was focused on trying to see if she needed my support, but she was more worried about the fact that other people might be talking about her relationship. We ended the conversation there and promised to speak better when we ran into each other.
Okay, what happened after that conversation?
The next day, I was relaxing in my hostel when I got a call from my friend. He told me that Layo was going round our hostel asking about the rumours. He even called me, but I didn’t pick up because I had dozed. The next thing I knew, there were two police officers knocking at my door.
Police ke?
I was so shocked. They were with Layo and said they wanted me to follow them to their station to answer a few questions.
That’s crazy!
Too crazy. I asked for a warrant and their intentions because I was scared, but they reassured me there was no big issue and said they only wanted to ask some questions. Even Layo was reassuring me that there were no problems and they only wanted to clarify some issues, so I eventually went with them.
What happened at the station?
They started asking me about the rumours; where I’d heard that Layo was abusing his girlfriend and who was spreading them. I was reluctant to rat my source out to the police, so I told them I only heard it in passing in the hostel. While they were questioning me, our mutual friend was also brought to the station. Apparently, Lami had called her to ask about the rumours the day before as well.
Omo. Where was Lami in all this?
Surprisingly, she was at the station with Layo, but she kept acting like she had never told me anything about her relationship, so I kept quiet too.
Why didn’t you call her out?
I’m not sure. I didn’t know if she was pretending out of fear or for some other reason. It felt as if I said she was the one who told me about the abuse, it would mean I was betraying her trust. So I pretended that the day before was the first time I had ever heard about it.
Wow. What happened next?
My friend and I were at the station for hours and were forced to write statements about the rumours. It was very upsetting. When we were left alone, we talked about how Lami was the person who told us she was being abused, but we agreed not to oust her at the police station. They eventually let us go without doing anything to us.
I’m so sorry about that. Did you get to talk to her after this happened?
Thanks. Yes I did. I texted her that evening and asked why she was pretending at the station. She seemed apologetic and said that Layo had gone through her messages and knew to harass me and our other friend because he suspected we were the ones telling people about him.
Did you ask why she didn’t stand up for you?
No, I was exhausted from the drama of the day. Besides, I figured Layo threatened us to isolate her from the people she could run to, so I wanted to remain a safe space for her.
How did that work out?
He must have continued to pressure her because after that day, she pulled back completely from both me and our mutual friend, whom she used to confide in.
Did you try to reach out to her?
I tried several times. But when it became apparent that she was keeping her distance, I decided to respect myself and fall back. That was the end of our friendship.
How did her withdrawal make you feel?
I felt betrayed when she pulled back. I refused to expose her in the face of the police, but because of a man, she threw away our friendship. I was upset, but I’m over it now. I’ve removed myself from that situation, and I’m focusing on me. I still care about her, but she has made her choice clear.
Do you know if she and her boyfriend are still together?
Oh yes, they are. The rumours are still circulating, but it looks like they’re still trying to make it work.
Do you think you’d rekindle your friendship with Lami if she leaves her toxic relationship?
Honestly, no. I can’t help but think about how easy it was for her to throw me under the bus and stand by a man who hurts her. I don’t think I’d be able to trust her again fully. I’m afraid that if she had another opportunity to betray me for her benefit, she’d take it, and I only want friends I can be sure of.
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