Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Debby* (27) and Aisha* (26) hit it off at a 2018 house party, but things changed when Aisha started seeing Debby’s friend, Femi*.
In this Sunken Ships, Debby opens up about the secret situationship that came between them and the friendship she still misses.
What were the signs that your friendship with Aisha was going downhill?
I accepted our friendship was over in 2021 when she stopped responding to my calls or texts. I was worried about her until I reached out to our mutual friends, only to find out she was intentionally avoiding me. It would’ve hurt more but I thought her reason was silly.
Okay, first, how did you guys meet?
We met at a house party in 2018 through a mutual friend. I discovered that we both shared a love for the same movies and anime, and our friendship blossomed from there.
What were the early days of your friendship like?
They were great. We spent a lot of time at the beginning just getting to know each other. I told her all about my family, my hobbies and my personal life, and she did the same. We helped each other with advice when we had issues as well, so we became very close quickly.
Where would you say the cracks in your relationship started showing?
It was late 2020. Aisha had shared that she wanted a boyfriend earlier in the year, but she didn’t know where to meet people, so I offered to introduce her to some of my single friends. That was the main reason everything unravelled.
Tell me about that.
In August, one of my friends threw a house party, and I invited Aisha because I knew a lot of my friends would be there, and I hoped she would find a spark with one or two of them. At the party, I made sure to introduce her to two of my male friends, who I knew would make great partners.
Did she hit it off with either of them?
No, and that was the problem. Instead, she spent the whole night flirting and talking to my other friend, Femi*. I didn’t like it at all.
Why not?
Femi was a good friend; he’s fun and kind. But romantically? He had the worst romantic record out of all our friends. All his past exes had him blocked for either cheating or being completely emotionally absent in their relationship. I didn’t want that for Aisha.
Ah, I see. Did you talk to her about it?
Yes. As soon as we left the party, I told her all about Femi and how he wouldn’t be the best match for her, but I don’t think she believed me. Femi is very good-looking and charming, so perhaps she thought I was trying to block her from enjoying a good thing.
So what happened after?
They started seeing each other secretly. I didn’t know about it at the time, so I was still trying to introduce her to other people. This went on until January 2021, when things between Femi and Aisha scattered.
How did you find out about them?
Femi texted me to say that Aisha was pressuring him to be in a relationship with her and wanted my advice on how to tell her he wasn’t interested.
Ah.
I was surprised too. I asked him how they got to that point, and he confessed that they started a situationship after they met at the house party, but he thought they were going to remain casual.
How did that make you feel?
It really hurt that Aisha would keep her relationship with Femi a secret from me. I thought we were closer than that. I told Femi that I couldn’t weigh in and he had to speak to Aisha about it himself.
Did you tell her when you found out?
No. I felt that if she didn’t tell me about it, then she didn’t want me involved at all.
Okay, what happened next?
Femi hard launched a girlfriend during Valentine’s in 2021. It surprised all of us, most of all Aisha. I think she thought I knew something about it because she stopped responding to my messages after that weekend. I had to reach out to our mutual friends to find out how she was doing.
Did she reach out to you after you spoke to your mutual friends?
Yes, and she accused me of not doing enough to discourage her from seeing Femi as a potential boyfriend. I got upset and told her off. Not only had I warned her about this boy, but I only found out about her and Femi in January when he told me. It ended up being a big argument, and we stopped being close after that.
Have you guys spoken since then?
Not really. We occasionally run into each other because we have mutual friends, but we’re just cordial now. It stings for me because I can’t believe we lost our friendship because of a guy.
What about Femi? Are you guys still friends?
No, I cut him off. His emotional irresponsibility cost me a good friend, and I just didn’t feel safe introducing anyone else to him. I don’t have that many friends, so losing them actually disrupts my life.
If Aisha wanted to get close to you again, is that something you’d be open to?
I’m not sure. I miss our friendship, but trying to blame me for her own choices was a bright red flag for me. Also, giving up on our friendship because a relationship with a guy that went sour is a flimsy reason. I want friends who I know will stick with me even in dire situations. I’m not sure that’s who Aisha is.
Hey, if you’d like to share your own #SunkenShips story with Zikoko, fill out this form!
