Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 20-year-old bisexual woman who talks about her initial struggle with the shame of masturbation, discovering her kinks and chasing sex fuelled by danger.
What was your first sexual experience?
When I was 14, Fergie’s “MILF” had just come out, and I was curious about what MILF meant so I went to watch the video and kept watching other suggested videos until I stumbled on one that had the word MILF in it. In it, an older woman was playing stepmother to a younger woman, and it was sexual. I continued down this rabbit hole until I got to a lesbian porn site. I was so intrigued. There was this particular video. Nothing has ever made me feel the way that video did. That was the first day I ever masturbated in my life.
So you knew you were attracted to women.
I didn’t know what I was then. I was in SS1 or SS2 at this point. I was still very religious — I was an usher in church. So you can imagine how the post-nut clarity hit me. I felt so much guilt. I deleted all the 15 videos I had downloaded that day alone. I just kept praying to God for forgiveness because they’d taught us in school that masturbation was a sin. I even took a chastity vow at some point.
A vow to remain pure for my husband, LOL. It was a whole production. They brought a guest speaker to talk to us about remaining virgins and how masturbation would make it hard for anything to satisfy us in our marriages.
That’s a lot to take in.
It fucked my brain up! They told us masturbators would become useless. Nobody wants to be useless.
So that was the end of masturbation then…
Not quite. After praying to God and crying about the sin I committed, it continued. I’d be going through my day and feel stressed. So it’s like, “Okay, I’m stressed. I know what relaxes me.” I ended up doing it two to three times a week.
When did things change for you sexually?
I was in an all-girls school battling with my attraction to women. You know how women can be very touchy-feely, so hugging and getting undressed in front of each other was not an issue. I was so stressed trying to hide how I felt. This continued till I was out of school, and I started to tell myself that I needed to start finding men attractive so that I could get married and make my parents happy.
I wasn’t even having sex or thinking about sex because everything I’d heard about sex was boring. Guy, girl, penetration… like what else?
Then the 50 Shades of Grey books dropped and curiosity would kill my cat again.
I was in uni now. I googled 50 Shades after reading the book and found a lot of people bashing it because it was abusive and didn’t represent the BDSM community well. I followed more links and read up on BDSM, and I discovered something about myself that day…
I like iranu. I genuinely like nonsense.
LMFAO. So about this nonsense…
I first discovered that I liked degradation. Being degraded and being the degrader.
So like insort?
Yes, but at the same time, I had a praise kink. One time this guy I was talking to told me I was being a “good little girl”, and I swear my body had never reacted as violently as it did that day. I encourage my partners to tell me how good I am.
Keep in mind, all these were mild discoveries.
After degradation, I discovered I liked pain too. I linked with this babe once and while we were having sex she slapped me across the face. Hot slap. I was so turned on, I told her to do it again.
Something tells me we’re not at the end of this list of events…
I like danger. The more adrenaline a sexual situation gives me, the hotter the orgasm.
I met my girlfriend on Twitter. It was the first time I was seeing someone proudly put “lesbian” in their bio, so I followed and we got talking. The first time she visited me, we kissed. I knew my mother was home and could walk in any minute, but I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to see how far I could go.
Once I know I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing, my body gets a thrill. This is why I like to sleep with people in relationships.
All that sneaking around, I love it.
Have you ever gotten caught?
Well the last time, I wasn’t caught red-handed. In my defence, I met her when she was single. We used to vibe, she slapped me a couple of times, degraded me sometimes; it was fun. Then one day she springs on me that she has a girlfriend and asked if it would change things — it did not. If anything, it made me more interested. One day after I left her house she sends me a text and says her girlfriend passed me by the gate as I was leaving. This same girlfriend would catch us again with this babe’s hand under my dress.
How did that go?
She gave me the dirtiest look I’ve ever gotten in my life. But the story we told then was that her hand was under my dress because it was cold.
Did you feel some type of way about being caught?
Remember I enjoy being in these risky situations. There was even this one time I masturbated in front of a cross.
I was staying with this Catholic aunt of mine, and I was alone at home. I wanted to masturbate on the balcony because I wanted people to see me — I discovered I liked being watched when I was at home, my windows were open and I got aroused from the thought of people watching me masturbate.
Anyway, as I was going to the balcony, I looked to the right and saw these pictures of Jesus. I asked myself, “Random strangers watching me, or our heavenly father watching.”
Let me guess. No guilt this time?
Nope! I was in such a good mood for rest of the day. I got such a high from doing it because it was something I wasn’t meant to be doing. But if myself of five years ago had seen me, she would have died.
Understandably. I’m curious about how your kinks have affected your relationships.
In my search for adrenaline-fuelled sex, I try to find the easiest ways to get it, and luckily for me, my first girlfriend was open to trying things. We did a lot of exploring without any judgement because we knew that even though I was being degraded or slapped, it didn’t extend beyond the realm of sex. All my initial sexual experiences were with women.
My current partner is a man, but it’s an open relationship. He’s on the asexual spectrum, so he’s not as open to trying things as I am.
If you had to rate your sex life out of 10?
Well, I did a threesome in May and had sex with someone’s partner last week. I’d say an 8.7 if we factor in the fact that I’m not having the sex I want to with my boyfriend. Exploring kinks with someone requires a level of trust I can’t share with someone I’m not in a relationship with. So this means that I don’t have sex as often as I want to in the way that I want to.