Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

For more than two decades, Ebuka* (29) was one of the most constant people in Ada’s* (28) life as they grew up in the same neighbourhood and shared the same tight-knit friend group. But in 2021, a disagreement about Ada’s relationship cracked the foundation of their friendship. 

In this Sunken Ships, Ada shares the argument that revealed the gaps in her friendship with Ebuka, how they handled their disagreement and why she thinks they’re better off apart.

How did your friendship with Ebuka begin?

We’ve been friends since 2001. We grew up in the same neighbourhood with a tight-knit friend group. All our parents worked at the same place so we had a lot in common.

How would you describe your friendship with him?

It was great while it lasted. We went through every new phase of our lives together from primary school till after university. Our years of playing together and conversations grew a friendship that was full of honesty and support.

When did you notice the cracks in your friendship?

It was in 2021. I had just gotten back together with my long-time boyfriend after a six-month break, and Ebuka didn’t like that.

Why was he against it?

At the time, I wasn’t sure why. We had been dating since I was seventeen and he had even become good friends with Ebuka and the rest of our childhood friend group. We initially broke up because he was moving out of the country, but decided to try again when he realised he would be visiting home often. 

Did you ask Ebuka why he disagreed with your decision?

Yes, I did. He said that my boyfriend wasn’t good enough for me and that our relationship would probably not work out because of how long we’d been together. He said I’d be stupid if I actually rekindled my relationship with my boyfriend. That upset me, and we stopped speaking for a while.

What happened after that fight?

I reached out to him a few days later and asked him to accompany me on a walk to try and talk things through. I made it clear that I didn’t like the way he spoke about my relationship but I appreciated his honesty. I thought he was worried about me getting hurt, but his reaction made me angrier.

How did he react?

He was very cold. He didn’t even respond to me at all; he just turned around and walked back to his house. I kept asking where he was going, but he ignored me. I felt very disrespected.

Did you try to speak with him after that?

No, I was too angry but I tried to speak to our other friends about it because I found his behaviour odd.

What did they have to say?

One of them in particular Deola* was surprised. Apparently, he wasn’t as honest with me as I had thought.

What did you discover?

Apparently, Ebuka had feelings for me that he had kept secret for many years because I had been in a committed relationship since our late teens. According to Deola, he had come clean to her when I was newly single. To him, breaking up with my boyfriend finally gave him the chance to come clean about his feelings, but he was waiting for me to “heal” before he brought it up.

How did that make you feel?

I was shocked. He had never treated me differently from any of the other girls in our friend group. He had also dated many other women over the course of our friendship. I never imagined he saw me that way.

What did you do after you found out?

Nothing. I loved Ebuka as a brother and nothing more. Maybe if he had told me about his feelings, we would have been able to discuss the future of our friendship, but his sudden coldness and the way he disrespected me the last time we spoke made me keep to myself.

Did you ever reach out to him after your last disagreement?

No, but he reached out to me after a month or so. We had been seeing each other on the street when we went to work or ran errands, but we hadn’t said a word to each other. He called me one evening and, after saying hello, he asked, “Are you and that guy still together?” I said yes, and he hung up immediately. That was when I knew that my friendship with him was completely over. We haven’t spoken to each other since then.

How has this affected your relationship with your mutual friends?

It’s a bit awkward when we all hang out together, but it hasn’t affected my other friendships. I talk to the rest of the group normally. I just don’t speak with Ebuka anymore. 

Did the end of your friendship with him make you sad?

Yes, it did, but I was more upset that he would be so rude to me just because we weren’t on the same page about our feelings. I’m sure if the tables were turned, I would have treated him more kindly.

Did you tell your boyfriend about what happened?

Yes, I did. He tried to talk to Ebuka, but he also got ignored, so we’ve decided to move on.

Do you think there’s a chance for you to reconcile with Ebuka if he asks for your forgiveness?

I don’t think so. My boyfriend and I might get married in the near future. I don’t believe it’s wise to maintain a friendship with someone who doesn’t think highly of my relationship with my chosen partner. Maybe we’re better apart than as friends.

getting into another serious relationship.

*Names have been changed for anonymity.

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