Many times, people reduce men’s emotional needs to stereotypes: sex, food, respect and silence. But beneath the surface, many men quietly crave things they either don’t know how to ask for or don’t feel safe admitting out loud.

We asked these Nigerian men what they actually want in relationships, but rarely admit openly. Here’s what they had to say.

“I don’t want to be seen as an ATM”  — Chima*, 33

Though financially successful, Chima struggles to admit that he’d like to be loved for more than what he can provide.

“In relationships, I always want to feel like my partner is there for me and not for any other reason. Since I’ve become financially comfortable, I’ve noticed that many women focus on what they think I can provide before they even consider whether they genuinely like me or my personality. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love spoiling my partner with gifts. But once in a while, I’d like reassurance that if all the money goes away tomorrow, she’d still stay by my side. “

“I want a partner who won’t judge my weakness” — Dimeji*, 29

Dimeji lives with dyslexia, a learning disability which has made him sensitive about how romantic partners view him.

“School was always hard for me. I repeated classes several times during my primary school education. My parents tried everything: beatings, lesson teachers, rewards and more, but no matter how hard I tried, words and numbers confused me.

No one understood what was happening until university, when a friend suggested I might have dyslexia. Finally, identifying the problem helped me, but it also became a huge insecurity.

I rarely tell anyone I have dyslexia. I’m doing well career-wise now, and I’ve learnt to work around it. I prefer voice notes and verbal explanations to long texts, and most people can’t even tell.

But in relationships, I still struggle with the fear that if I open up about it, the woman will suddenly see me as unintelligent or somehow less capable. So I hide it instead.

I think what I really want is a partner who makes me feel safe enough to be my true self, including the parts I still feel insecure about.”

“I want to hear more words of affirmation” — Michael, 22

Michael craves verbal encouragement in romantic relationships but feels embarrassed asking for it.

“I spent most of my early childhood with my grandmother because my parents were bankers. My granny constantly showered me with praise and encouragement. Anytime she wanted to motivate me, she would recite my oriki or other Yoruba praise poems. 

I didn’t realise how important that was to me until I left her place for boarding school. Since then, I’ve felt the absence of that kind of support. 

I’d love for my girlfriend to encourage me in that way, too. Nothing dramatic, just words of affirmation or motivation when she sees me trying or working towards something. But it feels like such an old-fashioned thing to ask for. I don’t know how to talk to her about it. I’d rather encourage myself in secret than risk being laughed at.”

“I want to be chased, too” — Damilare*, 28

For Damilare, he just wants to feel desired instead of always carrying the burden of 

“The norm in society is that the man chases the woman. Why can’t she chase me, too? I’m a hot cake, too.

It’s not even about ego. I just want to feel desired by the person I’m pursuing. The current dating scene now feels like a constant challenge to see who can act more nonchalantly and emotionally unavailable.

I don’t want aloofness, I want excitement and mutual desire. Chase me, and I’ll chase you back.”

“I want someone who sees through my pain” — Shedrack*, 31

Shedrack wishes someone would notice when he’s struggling instead of waiting for him to ask for help.

“It’s difficult to open up when I’m in pain or need help. I grew up believing that men must always be strong and be the stewards of the home. So, outside that role and admitting vulnerability feels unnatural to me.

 Most people in my life assume that if I’m quiet, then I must be fine or have everything under control.

It would be amazing to have a partner who’s considerate enough to notice when things get too heavy for me and help before I reach my breaking point.”

“I want a woman I can surrender control to ” — Joshua*, 28

Joshua was taught he always had to lead. Now, he wants to experience a relationship where he doesn’t always have to.

“I think many people assume men, especially Nigerian men, always want to lead in relationships. Everywhere you turn, masculinity is tied to control. People expect the man to take charge, make decisions and never appear soft.

But honestly, I’m tired. Sometimes I genuinely want to switch my brain off and let somebody else take control for once.

I like confident women. Women who are decisive, emotionally assertive and know exactly what they want. 

The problem is that I don’t even know how to communicate this without being misunderstood. The few times I hinted at it, women dismissed me or assumed I was joking. One ex told me, “So you want me to become the man in the relationship?” That comment alone made me retreat into myself because that wasn’t what I meant.

I don’t want to stop being masculine. I just want a relationship where I don’t constantly carry the emotional weight of being ‘the man’ every second of the day. 

I recently joined a BDSM community and learned about doms and subs. It’s something I want to explore in the near future.”

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