Ivan* (39) has been married for five years, but he dated his wife for six before that. He always promised he wouldn’t change after marriage, but between grief, job loss and fatherhood, everything has shifted, especially his desire to grow their family.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he talks about parenting through depression, losing the playful version of himself and how he’s learning to show up, even when it’s hard.
This is a look into Ivan’s marriage diary.
I’ve always seen marriage as a partnership
My idea of marriage has remained the same throughout my life—two people coming together, united in their decision to navigate life as a team. For me, love is just one part of the equation; dedication and commitment to riding out life’s challenges together are equally vital. This mindset isn’t rooted in cultural or societal expectations or religious teachings about marriage. Instead, it’s rooted in my personal experiences.
Growing up, I had a childhood that was equal parts tough and beautiful. I didn’t have the luxury of innocence, and from a young age, I watched my parents face some of the harshest challenges together — joblessness, hunger, poverty. Yet, they never once wavered in their commitment to each other. Instead, these trials seemed to resolve their dedication to seeing each other through to the other side. I saw, time and again, how they put each other’s needs before their own, displaying a selflessness that I found remarkable.
As a result, the idea of being responsible for someone else didn’t intimidate me at first. I felt it was only normal to inconvenience yourself for the other person’s benefit, as long as you were certain they’d do the same, or even more, for you. This experience shaped my perspective on marriage and relationships.
I promised her I wouldn’t change, but I did
When we were dating, my wife sometimes said, “I hope you don’t change after marriage.” And I’d always laugh and reassure her, “You’ll get the same version of me, don’t worry.”
But nearly nine years later — six years dating and five years married — I’ve become someone else entirely. A lot has happened that forced me to grow up faster than I planned. I lost my parents. I went through periods of joblessness. I struggled with depression. You don’t come out of that unchanged. But the biggest shift has been how I feel about having more children. We have one son now, and honestly, I don’t think I want another.
Back when we were still dating, we used to say we’d have three kids, maybe even four if our finances allowed. But after my son came, everything changed. I lost my job around the same time, and suddenly, I was burning through savings just to survive. Hospital bills, diapers, formula, school fees, and a chest infection that recently cost us ₦450k in hospital bills.
Even now that I’m getting back on my feet, the spending hasn’t stopped. The economy is mad. I’ve mentioned this to my wife several times, but we haven’t talked about it properly. She still hopes we’ll have at least one more because she wants our son to have a sibling. I understand where she’s coming from, but I don’t know if I have the emotional or financial capacity.
Sometimes I feel guilty, like I’m robbing her of the big family she always dreamed of. Maybe things will change in the future. But right now? I don’t want more kids.
Nothing prepares you for fatherhood
One of the scariest moments of my marriage was when we had our child and I didn’t have a job. It didn’t feel like a crisis at first. My wife had to do a CS, and that surgery alone cost nearly a million naira. I had savings, so I paid. I told myself I’d get a new job in a month or two. But a month turned to three, then six.
Every week, the money in my account kept dropping. Each debit alert for food, baby items, or rent felt like a punch in the gut. I started spiralling. At one point, I genuinely considered asking my wife to go to her parents’ place with our baby, just until things stabilised. It wasn’t about not wanting them around. I just felt like I was dragging them into my failure.
Then, one day, she walked in on me alone in the room. Instead of being upset, she prayed for me—a proper, heartfelt prayer. It broke something in me. I felt so bad for even thinking of sending her away. Her prayers didn’t magically get me a job, but they helped steady me. I stopped panicking as much. It reminded me that we were in it together.
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Your family will always need you, and you have to be there
One thing no one warned me about marriage is how much you have to show up, even when your world is falling apart. There were days I couldn’t get out of bed. I was depressed and broke. I felt like a failure, but our baby didn’t care. He needed to be fed, changed and rocked to sleep. He’d cry until I picked him up and gave him my full attention, especially when it’s just us two in the house.
There were times I shouted at him or ignored him out of frustration. But through all of that, one truth remained: I was still his father and had to show up. I couldn’t let my emotions dictate how I parented him. I learnt quickly that marriage, especially with a child involved, doesn’t give you the luxury of shutting down. Your partner can love you through it. But your child? They just want their daddy. It’s a daily lesson in sacrifice.
I think I’ve lost the child in me
Before marriage, I was the playful guy, the one dancing on the street with kids, playing football in the dust, clowning around for no reason. My friends used to say I had the heart of a child. But that version of me? I think he’s gone.
These days, I feel like I have a permanent frown on my face. My wife even mentioned once that I don’t smile like I used to. It wasn’t a fight; just an observation. I hadn’t even realised it. I think all the hardship of the past few years — the job loss, the grief, the pressure of fatherhood — has taken something out of me. It’s like my mind constantly whispers, “What’s funny? People are suffering.”
I miss the simpler times. I miss laughing without thinking about bills. But I love my wife and my son. And I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I just wish I could hold on to both joy and responsibility at the same time.
My only advice to my younger self? Don’t tie your worth to your pocket
If I could go back and give my unmarried self advice, it wouldn’t be about saving or preparing financially. Don’t get me wrong, money matters. But I’ve lived through a season where even my savings couldn’t carry me. What then?
So here’s what I’d say: don’t attach your self-worth as a man to how much you’re providing. Easier said than done, I know. But your ability to be a good husband and father doesn’t vanish because your bank balance is low. You can still lead with love, kindness and presence. The money will come. But don’t let the fear of not having enough money make you lose the family you’re doing it all for.
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