Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Tora* (21) and Tọ́lání* (23) met on a dating app in March 2025.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about how a shared love for hugs turned into something deeper, navigating polyamory when it’s new territory for one party, and what it means to fight for a relationship your family doesn’t know about.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Tora: March 2025; the day we matched on the dating app. I saw her profile, and something felt different. Her bio read: “I like hugs, spicy food, and sweets. I’m also asexual, but still figuring out what I’m open to and I can get awkward with flirting and compliments. That said, I prioritise emotional connections. I appreciate long conversations and a genuine interest in the mundanity of each other’s lives.”
Everything in that bio was me. I love hugs, spicy food, and sweets. I’m also asexual. Her eyes had this warmth I don’t see in other people. I didn’t expect her to match with me because I thought she was out of my league. But it happened.
Tọ́lání: I remember finding her profile and thinking she looked amazing. I swiped right first because I wasn’t expecting her to swipe back. But she did. Even after the match notification, I was hesitant to send a message because of previous dating app experiences. I was living in the Azores at the time, dating apps were not kind to dark-skinned girls. I encountered many racists. It didn’t help that I was asexual. As a rule, I’d always wait for the other person to message first.
Tora: I had a “Do not message first” rule. I wanted people to actually show interest because I was tired of always making the first move and getting ghosted. So I stopped making the first move altogether. But when I saw her, I was convinced we’d be compatible. After about an hour of deliberating, I broke that rule and said something. Thank God I did.
Tọ́lání: Tora’s bio said she was a professional cuddler. My bio said that I loved hugs. I found it adorable. At the time I met Tora, I had almost given up on dating apps.
Sweet. How did the conversation go when you reached out, Tora?
Tora: My first message went like this: ”Like spicy food: check. Like hugs: check. Likes sweets: check. Asexual: somewhere under that umbrella. How was your week?”
She replied the next day. From there, we talked about anything we could think of. I broke the ice by asking about her hobbies. She told me she liked reading. Keep this in mind because it planted a seed in my mind that would eventually prompt me to write her a book.
Tọ́lání: I don’t usually befriend people quickly, but we got to talking about our interests, our families, recipes we wanted to try, and so on. These conversations would go on late into the night. Our first conversation lasted three hours. Soon, I found myself getting excited with every notification from her. One thing I found fascinating about how we met was how easily the conversations flowed.
Must have been nice. How did things progress from texting to meeting in person?
Tora: One day, we were talking about our favourite shows and genres, and at some point, I randomly texted, “My day just keeps getting better. Genuinely, I think it’s been like the best couple weeks of my life lately. Knock on wood, but my anxiety tells me it’s about to be ripped away from me for character development.”
Then I said, “I feel like if I ask you on a date, I’ll be pushing my luck because there has to be a limit to how awesome a life can be.”
Tọ́lání: I replied: “Only one way to find out.”
That was how she asked me out. This was still pretty early in April, and she had a trip coming up, so we scheduled our date for after she got back. The date was set for later in the month.
Tora: Before we met in person, we discussed boundaries and comfort level with physical touch. I asked about her preferences, if she was a hugger or a handshake kind of person. We both agreed to give each other elbow bumps at our first meeting, as a homage to COVID-19.
That all flew out the window once we actually saw each other. We flew into each other’s arms.
Awwn. Tell me more about your first meeting.
Tọ́lání: It was spontaneous. It happened the day before our official date. My brother was having an exam near Tora’s place, and I was going to wait at a garden. Tora offered to keep me company. She had a formal event, so she was dressed nicely in a long black dress. When she saw me, she did a little jog in her heels. When she got to me, no elbow bumps or handshakes. We ran into each other’s arms.
Tora: I nearly winded myself with the crash-hug. It felt nice to get the pre-date jitters out of the way. Tọ́lání noticed I couldn’t stop watching her. I’m an expert speedcuber, but even though I’d been solving Rubik’s cubes for nine years, I forgot my algorithms because I couldn’t think straight. She also immediately started playing with my hair. I let her.
What about the actual first date? How did that go?
Tora: Our date was fantastic. We had our first kiss. She brought me flowers. I’ve never been given flowers before. We talked over coffee, shared a pistachio cronut, walked around the gardens, and held hands. On our first date, I told her I loved her in Yoruba. I studied to tell her that in her native language. The pronunciation wasn’t perfect, but she could tell how much effort I’d put in.
Tọ́lání: It was beautiful. She also taught me how to ride her waveboard. I had an embarrassing fall, and she came over, squatted with me, and hugged me. The damage to my ego was worse than any physical pain, but she knew how to comfort me in the sweetest way.
Tọ́lání, how did you feel about Tora’s declaration of love on a first date?
Tọ́lání: Honestly, I took a bit longer to come to terms with my feelings. For one thing, I felt it was a little too soon. We’d only been talking for about a month when she said it.
Also, there’s something I need to mention. Tora is polyamorous. She has a husband.
Oh.
Tora: I never hid it. Before we had any romantic interest in each other, I’d casually brought my husband up. Tọ́lání knew I’m poly. It’s in my bio. It says “ethical non-monogamy.”
Tọ́lání: At first, I paused when she mentioned a husband. Yes, her bio had “ethical non-monogamy,” so I knew she might have other partners. A husband was a whole different ballgame.
I almost ghosted her, but I valued the friendship we’d built, so I continued. I was struggling with the guilt of feeling like “the other woman” in a marriage. I brought up my feelings with Tora, and she told me that love is not a finite resource. She loves her husband and loves me; that being married to him doesn’t make their relationship any more important than ours. Her words were: “I’m committed to you, and I’m committed to Carlos. Married or not, I love you both.”
It was then I realised what had been holding me back, and I finally let go.
Nice. When did you officially become a couple?
Tora: May 10th, 2025. She told me she loved me for the first time. I asked if that meant she was ready to make it official. She said yes. Then she went back through our chat history and replied to each instance where she really wanted to say “I love you” but had resisted. It made me cry.
Tọ́lání: We had a couple more dates of just us being cute and silly together. It was one of the happiest times of my life. The day after our first date, I attended a conference Tora was hosting so I could support her from the audience. Being there really grounded her and made her do a better job at hosting. The conference was a great success. I also met her husband, Carlos. I sat next to him in the audience, and we chatted about Tora while she was on stage.
What was it like meeting Carlos for the first time?
Tọ́lání: Carlos was sweet but shy like me. We didn’t talk much, and it was hard to get a read on him. I wasn’t sure if he liked me, but I desperately hoped he did. At first, it felt like a ”meeting the parents” moment. Afterwards, Tora encouraged us to get to know each other a little more, assuring me that Carlos did not, in fact, hate my entire existence and was just shy. So Carlos and I began sending each other reels on Instagram, and we slowly built up a friendship from there.
Tora: One of the things that really solidified their friendship status as metamours was the day they planned to surprise me with a brunch, their treat. They met up at the central bus station and got on the bus together to the restaurant where we’d planned to meet. They sat at the back of the bus chatting away, discussing how they thought I’d react. Then I walked into the same bus. I sat at the front, luckily, and didn’t notice them. But they were at the back of the bus, giggling and hiding, trying to keep out of sight. They recorded my clueless self getting on the same bus. It was a complete coincidence, but I’m ashamed I couldn’t detect their cuteness with my sixth sense.
How would you describe the dynamic between the three of you now, Tọ́lání?
Tọ́lání: I enjoy the metamour dynamic more than I thought I would. Carlos is easy to talk to and gives good advice. We have quite a few similar interests as well. I never thought it’d be so fun scheming to love-bomb a partner, but it is. Right now, I would say he’s my best guy friend.
Right. What were the early days of your relationship like?
Tora: They were really nice. But in May, she told me she’d be leaving the Azores. I was heartbroken, but I decided I was in too deep to back out. Before her, I thought I’d never be in a long-distance relationship, but I wanted to try for her.
Tọ́lání: That was also one of the reasons I was hesitant to share my feelings.. This was my first relationship, and the speed at which we were drawn to each other surprised me. I was selfish and didn’t want to tell her I was leaving, as I thought she might ghost me. I should have trusted her more. I eventually told her when I realised I was in over my head. I told her I understood if it was a deal breaker. She was sad but said she’d be willing to try for me. So we had to come to terms with long distance pretty early in the relationship.
When did you leave, Tọ́lání? And what was that transition like for both of you?
Tọ́lání: I left in July 2025. Before I left, we wanted to have one last fun event with my friends. We organised a karaoke night and had a great night singing songs together and getting tipsy.
Tora: When she told me she was leaving, I was with Carlos cooking for him, and I started to cry. He comforted me. Tọ́lání and I made plans through tears on how to maintain the relationship over distance. We said we’d do a weekly movie night, check in every day, and be intentional about times of high stress and busyness. The transition was difficult, incredibly so. But before she left, I opened a savings account to save up to see her. We both don’t make much money, so we can’t see each other often. I put 100-200 euros a month into it, and we made it work.
Tọ́lání: The early days of long-distance were rough. I missed her terribly and was depressed for a while. But I was still living with my parents, so I had to be careful. We called and texted often, and we had our Friday movie nights, but it was still tough. I wasn’t careful enough, though, because my parents got suspicious of my constant calls and wanted to know if I was dating anyone. My parents are staunch Christians, and I haven’t come out to the. So I discussed with Tora that I had to lay low for a while. Those days were hard. We couldn’t talk to each other much at all.
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How did Carlos take Tọ́lání’s move?
Tora: He was sad too. They became friends quickly because my husband was open to making new friends. But now that she’s away, they still have game nights and keep up with each other. He didn’t break down like I did, though. He’s stronger than I am. I think he was more worried about me since he knew how hard it hit me.
Sweet. Have you guys talked about reuniting?
Tọ́lání: We actually spent some time together in December 2025. The reunion was both carefully planned and spontaneous. Tora had suggested it, but I didn’t know what I’d tell my parents. That was until I had some valid reasons to travel. Then the alibi pieces fell into place. Soon, I had a flight booked. The trip itself was magical. Those four days were the highlight of my 2025.
Tora: Wecould only afford four days. Day one, she arrived late, so we had dinner at a Lebanese restaurant. Day two, we slept in to cuddle, got street food, went ice skating, and ate churros in the grass. On day three, we went on a hike with friends and ate at a Nigerian restaurant, where I tried Malta Guinness for the first time. Day four, we spent the morning together and went to the arcade with friends in the afternoon. On day five, when we had to part, we spent the morning holding each other in tears, trying to delay the inevitable. But it’s okay. Whether or not we’re together, we’re both committed to each other.
Fair enough. So it’s been almost a year together, have you had any major fights or arguments?
Tora: Nothing relationship-threatening. I’ve had some trouble listening and zoning out when she’s talking about her interests. She also had a problem with me calling her ‘chocolate’ or things similar to that earlier in our relationship. It bothered her, so I stopped.
Tọ́lání: Yes. I get really upset about the zoning out bit. But she’s apologetic every time and is making the effort to be more intentional with listening. We’ve started organising“intentional listening” time slots where she eliminates distractions so I can talk about anything.
What’s the best thing about being with each other?
Tora: She is my perfect match. Nobody I dated before matched my energy levels. I’m very open about my love, outwardly affectionate, and super loving by nature. I’m loud and excitable, and most people haven’t been as vivacious. I thought I was weird for it. But after I found Tọ́lání, I finally had someone who could love me the way I love them. Unapologetically, affectionately. We match each other’s energy.
Tọ́lání: She makes me feel seen. She sees and accepts all parts of me, even the cringe bits. With her, I never have to worry about doing too much or being annoying. I can just be. She’s consistent, kind, loving, and extremely expressive. I love her vivacious, free-spirited energy. She lifts me up and inspires me to keep improving myself.
How do you see the future of this relationship, considering the reservations from Tọ́lání’s family?
Tora: I understand where her family is coming from. I fully support their beliefs and respect their religion and their background. Same with Tọ́lání. I respect her beliefs and religion, even if I am not of that religion. I have no intention to drive her away from her faith or her family.
Tọ́lání: Honestly, it is uncertain. I do not know where life will take me or what my future holds, but I do know that I want her in my future, and I will fight for a future together. Whatever that may look like. That’s the reason I gave her the Oriki Adukẹ: One you fight to care for.
As for coming out to my parents, I plan to do that as soon as I have some financial safety nets. I love my parents dearly, but I do not think they will accept my relationship. I am mentally, if anything, prepared for the possibility that I will be cut off once that day comes.
Tora: It is such a wholesome feeling of love and acceptance to be bestowed an oriki since I am not Nigerian myself. Her best friend also approved of me and gave me a Nigerian name.
Sweet. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?
Tora: Numbers are not appropriate to measure my love for this woman. A scale of 1 to 10 implies there’s a maximum amount of love I can experience for her, but even after almost a year together, I keep loving her more each and every day. For her, I changed. For her, I improved. For her, I committed to long distance, despite my reservations. For her, I get up in the morning. For her, I work hard to earn money so I can see her again. For her, I’d do it all. It’d be easy to say ’10’ here, but it wouldn’t be adequate. Every time I make her smile, it makes all the pain of this distance worth it.
Tọ́lání: I wouldn’t rate our relationship because I feel it is too complex to assign a number to. I would rate the situation an 8.9 out of 10, because of the forced distance and the alienation of having to keep the relationship secret from my parents. But even at that, I would go through the pain of leaving her and the stress of homophobic parents a million times over for a chance to hold her hand again.
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